How did you find out about the infidelity?

johnnycomelately · 05-29-2012, 04:08 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by morituri

especially about her tragic rape, and her broken psyche, how it lead her to almost doing herself in, and seeing her from a distance while she was briefly institutionalized. A brief wave of sadness would probably be my only emotional response.

To be compasionate under those circumstances makes you a much better man than me. Her loss.

frozen · 05-29-2012, 07:24 AM

After about a month of clues from behavioral changes I bugged her Android phone to forward me her GPS and text message data. At first I only was able to get incoming text messages but in conjunction with the gps it was enough to confirm something was UP. At that point I confronted her but did not tell her what info I had. I just pushed and pushed until she admitted everything which took about 24 hours of ever changing lies. SF was on or about 11/22 and we have been in intense MC. Things are much better but we both are committed to trying to make the life a had originally planned on. Its very painful for the both of us because after wringing the truth from her I spilled my beans one day later.

MattMatt · 05-29-2012, 06:42 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by frozen

After about a month of clues from behavioral changes I bugged her Android phone to forward me her GPS and text message data. At first I only was able to get incoming text messages but in conjunction with the gps it was enough to confirm something was UP. At that point I confronted her but did not tell her what info I had. I just pushed and pushed until she admitted everything which took about 24 hours of ever changing lies. SF was on or about 11/22 and we have been in intense MC. Things are much better but we both are committed to trying to make the life a had originally planned on. Its very painful for the both of us because after wringing the truth from her I spilled my beans one day later.

I wish you both well in your recovery efforts.

Shaggy · 05-29-2012, 06:48 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by bandit.45

Aspergers is a bizarre disorder. Aspies can be very friendly and kindhearted, and then turn around and do the most insensitive acts you can imagine, all because they lack empathy to a certain extent.

So if MattMatt went out and had sex with another woman,mhis wife would be cool with it? Especially if he told her before?
Posted via Mobile Device

MattMatt · 05-29-2012, 07:04 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Shaggy

So if MattMatt went out and had sex with another woman,mhis wife would be cool with it? Especially if he told her before?
Posted via Mobile Device

She has since told me that, in principle, she would not mind. I have not taken this idea up as I do not want to have an affair and my life is complicated enough as it is, to be honest!

And I am pretty certain there have not been any other affairs since that one time.

Complexity · 05-29-2012, 07:09 PM

Has she been remorseful at all? does she regret hurting you like that?

MattMatt · 05-29-2012, 07:18 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Complexity

Has she been remorseful at all? does she regret hurting you like that?

Very much so. But the affair happened 15 years ago.

Darth Vader · 05-29-2012, 08:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by morituri

I nearly did and had even considered suicide - briefly thank God Almighty - but then a friend from long ago came to my rescue and told me the story of his ex-wife's betrayal. I knew that I was not alone in my pain and grief. He told me that I would heal in time but to seek therapy immediately and gave me the name and phone number of his therapist, a professional with experience in treating victims of infidelity and PTSD. I can never repay my friend for his help in my time of need. Maybe my time here is my way to "pay it forward".

Please tell me/us, you Divorced the B I T C H! I mean, how could anyone want to live with a trigger like that?!

OMG! She'd have to go! Who could stand to live with and look at someone who did what they did, only to find out the way you did? Besides, how could she be with you still after what she's done?

iheartlife · 05-29-2012, 08:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Darth Vader

Please tell me/us, you Divorced the B I T C H! I mean, how could anyone want to live with a trigger like that?!

OMG! She'd have to go! Who could stand to live with and look at someone who did what they did, only to find out the way you did? Besides, how could she be with you still after what she's done?

I believe that he did.

Sara8 · 05-29-2012, 08:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by morituri

but then a friend from long ago came He told me that I would heal in time but to seek therapy immediately and gave me the name and phone number of his therapist, a professional with experience in treating victims of infidelity and PTSD. I can never repay my friend for his help in my time of need. Maybe my time here is my way to "pay it forward".

Where can you find a therapist with experience in PTSD from infidelity?

Darth Vader · 05-29-2012, 08:59 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iheartlife

I believe that he did.

Ok, I thought I caught something like that later in the thread. Anyway, that had to be some serious S H I T seeing that! OMG! How does someone get over seeing all that? She should have to pay for his counseling or something!

Affaircare · 05-29-2012, 09:44 PM

I had that "gut feeling" that something was up between my exH and his wistress but for months he told me it was me, I was jealous, I had trust issues, etc.

Then one day I got a letter from a very, VERY expensive hotel we had done some computer work for but which "we" had never been able to afford to go to. The letter had an intimate item in it, and said "When you were here the other night, you left this in the room." Needless to say, I had not been there, so I went to the hotel, asked if I could see the registry and saw "Mr. and Mrs. <our last name>" on such and such date. Then I went to the computer room and looked through the security video for that date (hey being the PC person has certain benefits) and got a copy of him and her going INTO the hotel at night, signing in, and coming OUT OF the hotel the next morning with smooches and whatnot.

I went to our office, showed him the video, and slapped him across the face so hard that his glasses broke. He asked me "How did you do that?" I said..."Do what?" He said "Doctor that video to make it look like I cheated on you."

Then he called the police on me for physically assaulting him.

I would have reconciled with him too if he had even once admitted what he had done and made an attempt to work on his own issues. He refused to address any of them, so I refused to reconcile ... and the rest is history.

**********

For my own infidelity, I was discovered when my Dear Hubby got the OM's email address and emailed him a letter that effectively said, "I am her husband and I do not intend to let this marriage go without resistance. She's my wife and I intend to honor my vow" and frankly that scared the OM away.

God...it's so humiliating to even remember how I acted--plus I KNEW BETTER!! BUT it just goes to show that infidelity is insidious and can happen to anyone if the mix is right. I did it and thank God Dear Hubby had the balls to stand up or I may not be here in my right mind today!

BigLiam · 05-29-2012, 09:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MattMatt

She is not cold and uncaring. That's the screwed up part of this.

She has three degrees (all firsts) an MA and two -or three doctorates.

Yet she lacks common sense.

She is a 'logical' person and her thought processes are sometimes somewhat off.

I was once reading an article in a magazine about a woman who was diagnosed as being autistic, but only when she was an adult.

I read her list of symptoms and it was like a check-list for my wife. When I realised why my wife sometimes acts like she does -she does not understand irony, for example and will say things that make me think HUH????- there were some tears in my eyes.

Good Lord. That's something else I have never shared before.

Asperger's?

BigLiam · 05-29-2012, 09:56 PM

I've been throug it in two marriages.
First one , my wife was gone a t night a lot, lying about her whereabouts. But, I beleived her. Her sister turned her in.
Second, I recognized the signs a lt sooner(this was 13 years later and I had internet help).'Anyway, once I had some evidence, I took it to a friend who is a PI and he busted her right away.
FWIW, PIs are a very good investment, IMO.

MattMatt · 05-30-2012, 12:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigLiam

Asperger's?

I am as certain as I can be that this is the case.