My husband and I take trips without each other. I see my friend in California that I met online at a parenting forum for a 3-4 night stay. He goes hunting/salmon fishing in Alaska for 10 nights. Never once have we questioned or accused each other of cheating.
I'm actually planning a trip to see my friend soon. Since I'm disabled with a neck injury, it is tough for me to go. It's quite an experience to travel alone, but well worth it. We have so many free flights, so cost is not an issue. Our points keep on racking up we have 6-8 full round frequent flyer tickets depending where we go. I'll be paying for the full nights hotel since my friend is a single parent. Last time we stayed on the Queen Mary.
Actually, my husband is coming home today from a fishing trip in the Boundary Waters Canoe area, he left Friday. He actually gets phone reception and calls me every night. These trips without me are getting harder for him.
You don't have any hard facts that she is cheating. If your so worried, like the poster said above, hire a private investigator. Let her go and have fun. My best friend I met online is single, but she also is a parent and making it on her own. We do fun things when together and have the same interests, except this year will be a more relaxed vacation, maybe on the beach. I'm all for vacations with and without the family. If you don't have a marriage built on trust, you don't have a good marriage and have many things to work out. Let her go and have fun. The excitement is based on seeing her friend and seeing a band she loves. I show excitement too! It's like a kid going to Disney World.
I KNEW someone was going to beat me to it. And I should have known it would be E3K.
No freakin' WAY she goes to Florida to party with her newly single, hard-drinking toxic friend to a Jimmy Buffet concert. I hate Buffet, but my understanding it is mostly men who go to his concerts. The toxic friend has some hard partying planned for her and your wife with the boys.
GUARANTEED she'll never be able to say "well, not in Florida" again. Not while looking you straight in the eye anyhow.
My husband and I take trips without each other. I see my friend in California that I met online at a parenting forum for a 3-4 night stay. He goes hunting/salmon fishing in Alaska for 10 nights. Never once have we questioned or accused each other of cheating.
I'm actually planning a trip to see my friend soon. Since I'm disabled with a neck injury, it is tough for me to go. It's quite an experience to travel alone, but well worth it. We have so many free flights, so cost is not an issue. Our points keep on racking up we have 6-8 full round frequent flyer tickets depending where we go. I'll be paying for the full nights hotel since my friend is a single parent. Last time we stayed on the Queen Mary.
Actually, my husband is coming home today from a fishing trip in the Boundary Waters Canoe area, he left Friday. He actually gets phone reception and calls me every night. These trips without me are getting harder for him.
You don't have any hard facts that she is cheating. If your so worried, like the poster said above, hire a private investigator. Let her go and have fun. My best friend I met online is single, but she also is a parent and making it on her own. We do fun things when together and have the same interests, except this year will be a more relaxed vacation, maybe on the beach. I'm all for vacations with and without the family. If you don't have a marriage built on trust, you don't have a good marriage and have many things to work out. Let her go and have fun. The excitement is based on seeing her friend and seeing a band she loves. I show excitement too! It's like a kid going to Disney World.
I'm sure he appreciates your input. But the situation you describe is so polar opposite to what he is facing, that this description of what a wholesome vacation w/o your spouse SHOULD BE LIKE will make him run for the hills. It should anyhow.
I'm sure he appreciates your input. But the situation you describe is so polar opposite to what he is facing, that this description of what a wholesome vacation w/o your spouse SHOULD BE LIKE will make him run for the hills. It should anyhow.
thank you for your replies...........this has been the mental challenge of my life. My wife is the nicest, sweetest, most goodhearted, good mom, heart of gold person you could meet so the thought of her having some sort of double life is almost unbelievable but i have thought it. her email and phone etc is all open to me until i tried to hack into her bank account she put a new password on her phone but i guessed it so i have it. there are just a couple of questionable texts on it where she is telling a parent of one of her kindergartners that she has some funny stories for him over a beer and he was inviting her for beers too. i think she got emotionally involved with this person because his wife died while she had the kid as a student there are numerous texts between them mostly school related but there is a shared sex joke and the invitations for happy hour. when i asked her about him during one of my grilling sessions she just burst into tears and left the room she did the same thing at the counselors office too when i said his name she just burst into tears i dont know if there is something or if she is just emotional over the death of the mom... . as i said before there is no proof or major signs of an affair, no change in hours, no change in wardrobe, she has never even acted guilty.........the statements about boundries are correct....i quit drinking in 1998 but my wife has continued to do so. she loves live music and dancing but i hate it so i dont go... so when she goes, she goes with mutual friends or one of her friends from work or even my little sister who lied to me about the two of them going backstage at a concert. i caught my wife in a lie about it too.....after a concert with my little sister she told me they went backstage then a few months later she was going to another concert i told her not to go backstage she said i have never been backstage i said well you told me you and my sister went backstage at such and such then she said i have only been backstage once....then during a recent heart to heart she told that they gave a couple of the band members a ride back to thier hotel and went up to the room. would a wife cheat with your little sister there? she said weird stuff about this too.....she said one of the guys in the band was older and he had gray hair and she liked him and it was 2007 and she wasnt sure about our marriage.....if i talk to my sister she will be right on the phone to my wife.....she lied about having phone numbers too because i checked her ticket stubs and there were phone numbers (california, what good is that if you live if Florida?) on them i asked her if she talked to anyone from that night or had phone numbers she said no but she did.......another weird thing she did and she told me this.... is that she called this number since this has been going on....why the hell would call a number from five years ago? especially if nothing happened.....again would a wife disappear to another room with your little sister there? another weird thing is that about this same time she attacks me with oral sex and does it in such a way that she has never done before to the extent that i noticed it. then about five six seconds into it she just stops, pulls away, has a thought and goes back to the old way. i remember thinking at the time damn thats how she did it to someone else....when i asked her about it during this she said it was because she had a cold sore ive never seen one on her and why continue if you have cold sore....... ? also in 2007 she was at house of blues in orlando 10 times its on her statements two times with my daughter eight times with who knows. she has always told me that she was going with so and so or so and so but who knows........sometimes i think that she has been out many times telling me she is going with a friend but really has gone by herself........at concerts she loves to dance. im thinking she goes right down front and dances and makes goo goo eyes with the band in the hopes of getting backstage.......she says she doesnt have a thing for musicians but she does. ive been married to her 21 years so i know. when she dances its almost like statement dancing.... look how cool i am. i can dance without stopping hopping up and down for the whole show, hooting and hollering even when im with her she does this acts like a teenager in this regard she is 45.......this concert thing is just one of many instaces i am concerned about........in the interest of full disclore i have not been been the greatest husband...grumpy, busy , emotionally aloof etc...and she has self esteem issues (better now) and some daddy issues because her parents were divorced when she was ten so her dad moved out of the house then two years later he moved out of the state. they have a good relationship now but when your dad leaves you twice at 10 and 12 cant be good and at least twice during some tearful heart to hearts it always ends up on her dad.......also i confessed to cheating on her 3 times all way back when i was still drinking all drunken hook ups..... which is why i know what goes on at the bar . if i hadnt stopped drinking id be divorced or dead.... maybe both.......holy crap it will take a year to tell this whole story.....im going to end this post with a question.........when i ask my wife questions , serious questions she laughs or giggles before answering....eg the other night i was thinking too much so i got up from the table and went outside she came out to check on me and asked me what was wrong i asked her again about my friend mentioned in my first post and she laughs and says nothing happened........i think she has long talks with guys she meets while walking the beach the other night she was way overdue for the shortwalk so i went over.... just as she was coming over the walk i asked damn what took so long are you down there talking somebody she does that nervous little laugh and says nooo......this small laugh is making me crazy.......if she is talking to someone electronically its with something i dont know about like a private facebook account and there is one with her name but no picture. she says its not hers but before all this started she had me search facebook for her name and this same account came up but no way to to tell if its hers......she took upon herself to go to counseling she went three times alone before i went......does taking it upon yourself to go to counseling mean anything?? plus the stupid counselor is putting all of this off on me........but my bell got rung for a reason.........im finally arrived somewhat naturally at the 180 point.......so in sum there is no proof just twenty years of accumulated strangeness that i never said anything about until now.........
I'm all for vacations with and without the family. If you don't have a marriage built on trust, you don't have a good marriage and have many things to work out. Let her go and have fun. The excitement is based on seeing her friend and seeing a band she loves. I show excitement too! It's like a kid going to Disney World.
I used to feel this way.
I am a recently betrayed spouse and now I regret allowing such trips. They raise so many doubts now that my husband was caught cheating.
He, too, called me every night. He always said he was with a friend. Ironically that wasn't a lie.
He was with a friend, just not a guy friend.
In any case, he used those trips to boff his lover. He used boy's nights out, too.
I thought it was strange when one of his friends was insisting to me that the guys did not get together often enough. I was thinking what do you mean? You guys are getting together for boy's night out once a week?
They weren't. Boy's night out for my husband was a date with his lover? I can't believe I was so trusting and naive that I actually missed that clue.
I read a study that showed that suspicious, less trusting spouses are far less likely to be cheated on.
I also read that no one should ever trust a spouse 100 percent.
In addition, I read that one guy told his wife he cheated because she made it in his own words: "so darn easy".
My wife is the nicest, sweetest, most goodhearted, good mom, heart of gold person you could meet so the thought of her having some sort of double life is almost unbelievable but i have thought it. .
I have an acquaintance whose husband cheated while her brother was with him. So the sister thing means nothing.
As for being the nicest sweetest, heart of gold person, yadda yadda yadda.
This is what I thought of my husband. He likes to see himself that way, too, and others are always saying what a nice guy he is.
Still, he cheats on his wife, lies about secret phones, computers, bank accounts, trips, credit cards, etc., so he is not so nice.
I used to think he was so much nicer than I because he never shows anger at other people and he is even nice to people he claims to dislike.
Me, I am the type of person that can't hide my emotions. If I am angry you know it. If I dislike someone I can NOT socialize with them.
I used to think my husband was a better person than I because he could dislike someone and act nice around them. Now I realize he is just a phony.
The good thing is I now realize that just because I am an open book and not a phony doesn't mean my husband is a better person. It means I am the better person because I don't try to deceive people into believing I like them, when I don't.
yes sara8 thats my daughters name by the way spelled the same.......... its important that we trust people in life the problem is that people are untrustworthy. its just life. we live in a small town so if there were an affair seems that something would drop.....if she is cheating she is doing it opportunistically......and if she is not sexually cheating then she is doing something else that is giving off the same signals like having long conversations with men or flirting and teasing i dont know probably never will... the only way for me to investigate would be to gps the car.....
she put a new password on her phone but i guessed it so i have it. there are just a couple of questionable texts on it where she is telling a parent of one of her kindergartners that she has some funny stories for him over a beer and he was inviting her for beers too. i think she got emotionally involved with this person because his wife died while she had the kid as a student there are numerous texts between them mostly school related but there is a shared sex joke and the invitations for happy hour. when i asked her about him during one of my grilling sessions she just burst into tears and left the room she did the same thing at the counselors office too when i said his name she just burst into tears i dont know if there is something or if she is just emotional over the death of the mom...
This does sound like it has the hallmarks of an emotional affair. Confiding in him, inappropriate discussion of sex, and using a password perhaps to hide this (or other things) from you. Bursting into tears and completely unable to speak about it at all? yes it could be emotionally linked to her mom but it sounds like she doesn't even try to defend or explain the relationship. Red flags.
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then during a recent heart to heart she told that they gave a couple of the band members a ride back to thier hotel and went up to the room. would a wife cheat with your little sister there? she said weird stuff about this too.....she said one of the guys in the band was older and he had gray hair and she liked him and it was 2007 and she wasnt sure about our marriage.....if i talk to my sister she will be right on the phone to my wife.....she lied about having phone numbers too because i checked her ticket stubs and there were phone numbers (california, what good is that if you live if Florida?) on them i asked her if she talked to anyone from that night or had phone numbers she said no but she did.......another weird thing she did and she told me this.... is that she called this number since this has been going on....why the hell would call a number from five years ago? especially if nothing happened.....again would a wife disappear to another room with your little sister there?
You know why you don't want her to go backstage. You know what band members do with the women they meet backstage and take back to their hotel rooms. And she is still apparently in contact with someone from that band after all this time? Huge red flags
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another weird thing is that about this same time she attacks me with oral sex and does it in such a way that she has never done before to the extent that i noticed it. then about five six seconds into it she just stops, pulls away, has a thought and goes back to the old way. i remember thinking at the time damn thats how she did it to someone else....when i asked her about it during this she said it was because she had a cold sore ive never seen one on her and why continue if you have cold sore....... ?
Another red flag.
And yes, constantly finding strange men with whom to have long conversations with is another red flag. There's friendliness, and then there's bottomless neediness that is fulfilled through inappropriate behavior that tests or breaks marital boundaries. This alone is a serious issue that needs addressing, let alone everything else.
She and your little sister took drove band members to their hotel rooms and went up to their rooms to visit?.....What is wrong with this picture? Married women do not do these things.
I think that she does regularyly cheat on you. It may or may not be intercourse, but she is often unfaithful to you.
Inappropriate behavior -- check. The problem here is that you enable it. The fact this part of her life you choose to not be part of is a big mistake. Why it is ok for your wife to go out drinking AND dancing without you is beyond me. I would go for the sake of my marriage not just to c0ckblock but to actually enjoy time with my wife. Not caring enough to go gives her the green light to be less than completely monogamous. The fact that you have cheated has in her mind given her a free pass I am afraid.
Unfaithfulness -- While you are ok with her dancing and drinking without you, you are not ok with her other activities. She has blatantly lied to you. That is being unfaithful. Lying period is a deal breaker for me. Add to this what the lying is about and you have all the information you really need. Yes she has done things that would upset you. There is little doubt that this has been at least making out and being felt up with some possible heavy petting. She may have very well had oral sex with other men. Sounds like it. She very possibly has had intercourse with other men.
Her comment about not feeling good about the marriage and liking this guy with gray hair she brought back to the room is pretty much a confession. I think this alone is a deal breaker no matter what she actually did, but there is little doubt here. This is just my thinking on the matter.
Where are you boundaries. What is a smoking gun to you? What activities are you not ok with? Again, some folks are believers in a fairly rigid monogamy. Other folks live in the contiuum between this and an open marriage. This can be essentially dating other people with "trust" that they do not have sex or that the spouse just never finds out. Not sure where your boundaries are here.
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Last edited by Entropy3000; 05-29-2012 at 10:03 AM.
I can't help you except to say that your radar is spot-on. She likes to party with the boys. She likes it A LOT. And she does it a lot more than you've caught her doing it. And there's no way someone that likes to party so much with the boys stops at flirting and conversation. How many times has she gone partying without you?
NO FREAKING WAY does she go to Florida. NO WAY. That is a hard line in the sand deal breaker. From your recent description, there is going to be A LOT of face time with strange men. A LOT of drinking, dancing and flirting. THAT'S WHY SHE'S GOING! If she can't enjoy being married to you without all of these hookups with strange men (that's what they are, sorry to be so blunt), you need to walk. Consequences be damned.
You want proof? Say you're sorry for accusing her and beg her to go to make you feel not so bad about it. Have a PI get some cell phone footage. I can GUARANTEE you it will pay for itself. I can GUARANTEE he will get some serious footage.
Good luck stopping her though. This trip is PRIME TIME for a woman who likes to party with strange men in a drinking, partying crowd. I'll bet she's even gotten horny thinking about this trip. And it's an overnight trip, right? She'll get to bed at about 9:00 the next morning. Wait. Scratch that. She'll get to HER bed then. It is going to be one powerful weekend for her. I may fly down and look for her myself.
there is much more........of this type of behavior....and strange happenings....ie, one day several years were were checking out of a local restaurant one we frequent so the owner knows us or at least recognizes us..on this particular day my wife and i were paying at the register and the mid thirties owner was behind the register......he was sooo nervous he couldnt contain himself he was coughing and clearing his throat repeatedly he was so nervous he was getting ready to come out of his skin.....it was over the top nervous no eye contact no thanks for coming in.. nothing........i never said anything about it until recently. when i asked her about it she said she didnt know why he was so nervous and that it didnt have anything to with her... i continued to grill her about this and she said she had never seen him outside of that building so i asked her if she had spent time alone with him in the restaurant she said no.. i asked her did you go in the office with him or maybe you filled out an application she said i dont know if i filled out an application or not........then a few weeks later we were back in there he didnt even look at us when he brought us the menus........would a wife take her husband back to the scene knowing full well we would see each other.......??? she still takes our daughter there......and even (she told me) pointed him out to our daughter and told her that daddy thinks i had something to do with that guy........then she said he didnt even look at her........a similar thing happened one night when me, my wife and my little sister were coming out of a local bar...as we were leaving this guy was standing there waiting for her to walk by.... he looks straight at her and says hows it going not in a this is the first time i saw you way but in a remember me way....again if my wife had something to do with this guy would she take me back to the same bar? knowing that its possible he may be there??? i thought i saw this guy just the other day so i said to my wife i saw your boyfriend.... she did that little nervous laugh and said where? ......would taking your husband back to the scenes be abuse especially when she knows for sure that i will see the restaurant guy and possibly see the guy from the bar? and i just read the affection part of "his needs her needs" thats me to a t lots of sex.... no affection. what a nightmare.....how can you divorce with no proof??? i like being married she likes being married...im awakening to the fact that she has been getting her affection elsewhere when all she probably ever wanted was to get it from me.......and to make matters worse she is a gorgeous petite brunette with a killer smile...so you know who to look for mrk.....
on this particular day my wife and i were paying at the register and the mid thirties owner was behind the register......he was sooo nervous he couldnt contain himself he was coughing and clearing his throat repeatedly he was so nervous he was getting ready to come out of his skin.....it was over the top nervous no eye contact no thanks for coming in.. nothing........i never said anything about it until recently.
Do you think it is possible that you are/were being paranoid? I don't mean that in a nasty way, I have been there myself.
That bit about the restaurant owner seems a bit over the top to me. If I was in the same situation I would assume that he was ripping me off, or had just had a call from the cops or something, how do you figure nervous guy = he is banging my wife? Am I missing something? Was something else happening?
Another thing, could you break your posts up into paragraphs, they are tough to read.
there is much more........of this type of bon this particular day my wife and i were paying at the register and the mid thirties owner was behind the register......he was sooo nervous he couldnt contain himself he was coughing and clearing his throat repeatedly he was so nervous he was getting ready to come out of his skin.....it was over the top nervous no eye contact no thanks for coming in..
Yes, sounds odd. I haven't had an OW do this to me, but I have had this with people who knew of the affair and saw me with him after seeing him and the OW together frequently
It was the same exact behavior.
Also, twice after DDay, I met people my husband knew who never met me.
I met them when my husband was not there and when I introduced myself as his wife, They both looked at me surprised and said I thought you were taller and heavier and did you dye your hair?
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