My wife is the nicest, sweetest, most goodhearted, good mom, heart of gold person you could meet so the thought of her having some sort of double life is almost unbelievable but i have thought it.
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Originally Posted by mickey1
my nice, sweet, beautiful wife has probably been cheating on me the entire time we have been married to some degree because she has felt from the begining that i never really wanted her
And that's what a nice, sweet, goodhearted person does?
I think your term of reference for what a "nice, sweet, goodhearted" wife is needs to be readjusted.
im at the point where if i let go i stay married if i start grilling her again in order to get the truth which she will never tell me we get divorced..........with no tangible proof of anything.
Use voice activated recorders (VAR) and hire private detectives?
Unless there is something we haven't been told about the situation, to me this sounds like an obvious case of infidelity. Elusive answers, questionable comments with senseless timing, etc...
I agree with trusting your gut, but I am also surprised that you let this single lifestyle type behavior go on for all these years. Were there clues earlier?
im at the point where if i let go i stay married if i start grilling her again in order to get the truth which she will never tell me we get divorced..........with no tangible proof of anything.
So what? You're wife has already shown indisputable signs of disloyalty - she's a chronic lier. She avoids answering questions directly, she's been caught in lies in the past, and she has done some extremely inappropriate things while married to you. Even if she didn't have sex with the band when they went back to the hotel together (which I think is astronomically unlikely), she is behaving like a teenage girl, not like a woman grown and married.
The issue stems from your lack of enforcing boundaries and rules in your marriage - you state that you gave her little attention, that you married her because she was pregnant with your child. You were distant. It seems like you behaved this way until you realized she may be cheating on you a few months ago.
The question is - do you want to stay married with her? Can you lay down some ground rules and enforce them, as her man? Or will you allow her to carry on and do as she pleases, and play the part of meek, non-threatening cuckold?
I fear that Entropy is entirely right - you cannot (or refuse) assert yourself, and your wife has absolutely no respect for you as a man. Sure, she has sex with you due to marital obligation, but she doesn't love or respect you as her partner and mate. She dislikes being confronted with divorce because you are threatening her comfortable living conditions, not because she's afraid of losing you as her husband.
If you will not assert yourself and lay down some rules and boundaries, and if you refuse to spend time with her and keep her focused on you and you alone, then divorce this woman. Just do it.
In truth, I'd say divorce her even if you are willing to assert yourself, as your wife sounds like she has a very questionable lifestyle.
im at the point where if i let go i stay married if i start grilling her again in order to get the truth which she will never tell me we get divorced..........with no tangible proof of anything.
Don't grill her, she's lied to you for years and years, and it's worked for her. Why on earth would she tell you the truth this time? Stop asking her about your marriage...tell her about your marriage. What she does is unacceptable, and in fact makes me ill if I put myself your shoes.
My XW started doing the same stuff, drinking and fooling around at bars and parties. And then lied and minimized just like your wife does to you now. Left her cold once I realized what my future would be with her. (with much help and 2x4s to the head from the nice folks ere at TAM). Don't regret my decision one bit.
Kick her out if you care about yourself at all. It shouldn't be her decision what happens next, she's been in the drivers seat too long, see where it's gotten you? So don't ask her anything anymore...just act in your own best interest. Guessing that doesn't involve being cheated on and lied to by a woman that would clearly rather be a single barfly who's good to go.
I say tell her she can't go to the concert - for OBVIOUS reasons. If she goes anyway, have her stuff packed when she gets home and stand up for yourself. Not about control, it's about taking charge or YOUR life. Posted via Mobile Device
Divorce must be a possibility every single day for both spouses. You have to believe that you can divorce her. It must be something you find within the realm of what you can live with.
If not, she will abuse you as much as she wants. She will lose all respect for you and she will stray far and wide.
The possibility of divorce is what makes both partners work on the marriage.
I don't think your wife believes that you will divorce her for any reason.
Whether or not she goes to see Buffet, you need to see she goes to a polygrapher. That way, you'll get your proof. Tell her you're not sure you believe her answers, so you're going to play the lie detector game with her. See how she reacts to that.
look, the red flags have been flying your whole marriage. So why are you here now ?? You are a grown man, so when that friend from long ago introduced himself to her and ignored you, why didn't you speak up then ?? Or follow him outside and ask him why he did that. I think you was afraid he would tell you she was making eyes at him, and you didn't really want to have your suspicions confirmed. I mean, what did your other friends think of this ?? If no one said anything, maybe they know about her and never told you. Also, which is it ?? You said she don't do to well when D is mentioned, then say she will D you if you grill and demand. 20yrs, and you still playing catchup. So make up your mind. Do you want the truth, or do you just want somewhere to vent?? The VETS here have told you their best guess from experience, now what you decide is up to you. We can only advise on what you want to do.
[QUOTE=OldWolf57;784340]look, the red flags have been flying your whole marriage. So why are you here now ?? You are a grown man, so when that friend from long ago introduced himself to her and ignored you, why didn't you speak up then ?? Or follow him outside and ask him why he did that. I think you was afraid he would tell you she was making eyes at him, and you didn't really want to have your suspicions confirmed. I mean, what did your other friends think of this ?? If no one said anything, maybe they know about her and never told you. Also, which is it ?? You said she don't do to well when D is mentioned, then say she will D you if you grill and demand. 20yrs, and you still playing catchup. So make up your mind. Do you want the truth, or do you just want somewhere to vent?? The VETS here have told you their best guess from experience, now what you decide is up to you. We can only advise on what you want do. Posted via Mobile Device
A couple of questions..... She has already let me look at one of her statements but I want to look at them again and there is another card I havnt looked at but she said I could so I took that as there being nothing suspicious but now I want to look at that one too.... If ask and she she gets all defensive about it what do think my response should be???
And I appreciate everyones comments but I am filtering them as coming from people who have been betrayed I only know for certain that I am being lied too...
And for those of you who are married why are you reading and posting on these threads? Posted via Mobile Device
I also meant to ask if I do come across something suspicious on her statements she will not tell me the truth so is it worth it just to be lied to? Posted via Mobile Device
And I appreciate everyones comments but I am filtering them as coming from people who have been betrayed I only know for certain that I am being lied too...
And for those of you who are married why are you reading and posting on these threads? Posted via Mobile Device
I can only speak for myself--my husband and I are reconciling after his long-term emotional affair. I joined the forum a few months ago. I've finished individual counseling and am recovering well from the experience, we have found a marriage counselor trained in infidelity and 3 sessions in it's been terrific. I find posting here cathartic, it isn't something I'm planning on continuing forever (especially at the rate I've been going) but it is something I need right now.
You seem to doubt the quality of advice from people who have experienced betrayal. But I can tell you from where I sit, your wife has already done a hundred things I'd never tolerate from my husband and if he had done them we probably wouldn't be married any more.
The boundaries in your marriage are some of the loosest I've seen on this forum, so it isn't particularly surprising that you are feeling tremendously insecure about your wife and that you find it increasingly difficult to trust her.
In strong, healthy marriages, the partners don't test or flaunt the boundaries the way your wife has done (and you've allowed her to do--not as if she's a child, but in terms of massively disrespecting YOU as a human being). The reason for this is that--just like you are finding in yourself--it causes the other partner hurt and it also causes them to begin to fall out of love with you.
The point of marriage is to find a life partner you can trust because life all by itself is a difficult road. It is the responsibility of each partner to agree and compromise on appropriate marital boundaries and then call the other partner on it when those boundaries are crossed. Your issue is, you don't really have very many boundaries, so now you find it nearly impossible to enforce them.
What is stopping you from telling your wife:
"I know you want to go to Florida to see your friend. Over the years I've come to realize that some of the things that you've done, going to bars alone, going to concerts and going backstage with the band members, meeting strange men and striking up long conversations wtih them, etc.--none of this is appropriate for a married woman. I love you very much and I've decided that this trip will be harmful for our marriage. I am asking you not to go. Instead, let's spend some time together doing XYZ" where XYZ is something fun, maybe a weekend away together to a beautiful (inexpensive) place within an easy drive of where you live.
Divorce must be a possibility every single day for both spouses. You have to believe that you can divorce her. It must be something you find within the realm of what you can live with.
If not, she will abuse you as much as she wants. She will lose all respect for you and she will stray far and wide.
The possibility of divorce is what makes both partners work on the marriage.
I don't think your wife believes that you will divorce her for any reason.
I came her by linking from another site, the experience project. yes I was betrayed in my 1st marriage, but hold no bitterness from it. after finding myself here, and reading some posts that caught my eye, Iv'e stuck around. Now you have to remember this " if a cheaters lips are moving, they are lying." I noticed you never answered my ???. But never mind. If you want to see the statements, tell her so, but be prepared for the end around,, ie,, you should trust me, you are trying to control me. I shold have some privacy. These are the one most used by cheaters. they try to put you on the defence. Don't buy into it. You say you KNOW you are being lied to. Then tell her that, and give her some examples. But don't let her go into trying to explain them at this time. They are just to make a point !! You want to see the statements and want answers if there is something suspicious. And say "if you love me like you say you do, and have nothing to hide, you would be doing all you could to put my worries to rest. But since you are attacking me and acting shady"'' YES SHADY"", then that just tells me my suspicions are right". Tell her privacy is for the bathroom, but you both go in there at the same time, so how is this more private then that. This is more like secrecy, and there should be no secrets in marriages. But have you throught of where you want this all to go ?? Or, what you would do if you found out she has been and still is playing. Why didn't you ask her why she didn't introduce you to the old friend. Basically, if a guy walk up to my wife, I would step between them, YES STEP, because he has just disrespected me and her !! Also, once you saw how she behaved out with you, you should have stopped her unless you went also. No you, no her. deal with it wife. I mean, if she acts this way with you, how do you think she acts without.
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Re: freaked out with strong gut feeling 
