Her suggestion to back off and let her finish cheating on her own time is insane. Think about it, what she is saying that after she is tired of being used by the OM, she might return to you.
Seriously? Why would anyone accept that offer? On the other side, why would a woman want to be with a man with so little self respect that he would accept such an offer.
The only at you are going to have any chance here is to go nuclear on the affair and humiliate her to family and friends for doing it. To shock her completely and show her that you too have a choice and it is to refuse to accommodate or accept her cheating. Posted via Mobile Device
Expose the A. Expose it big time. You want the A to end the best chance is to expose it. Exposing the A may not always work to your advantage but in more cases than not it does end it.
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Originally Posted by Shaggy
Ask yourself how you actually doing exposure could make this worse?
This sort of advice is rampant on this board and very reckless. While it may be true that exposing affairs usually end them it doesn't typically result in the wayward spouse wanting to reconcile. Especially in cases when the affair is no secret and the wayward spouse has no intention of stopping it. All exposure will do is increase the conflict in the impending inevitable divorce and increase strife and legal fees. Any chance of settling this through mediation will likely be lost forever. Do not, I repeat do NOT expose the affair, this is poor strategy!
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Originally Posted by Thorburn
I would threaten D but only do this if you plan to do it.
My advice is not to do this. You think she'll respond to a threat of divorce by giving up the other guy and running back into your arms? That's ridiculous and even if it happened it's for the wrong reasons. At this point it's damage control and cutting your losses. Your marriage is over. Go get a lawyer and file for divorce, maintain the upper hand which you will do with the element of surprise.
So you are willing to live for decades in a one-sided open marriage for your kids sake? How nice, how noble of you. I'm sure that you'll be very proud when your daughters turn into cheating wives themselves and your sons into happy cuckold husbands. Oh and don't forget the kids your wife will be having with the OM and that you will babysit while they go have their fun. But hey, it's for the kids sake, right?
@donders , you say take charge, but them advise against actually doing anything. What would you suggest he do? A strongly worded hallmark card?
When it is at the point of your wife looking you in the eye, admitting she is having sex with another man, and she unabashedly refuses to quit until she is good and ready, quite seriously there aren't any other options apart exposing/D and bring a cuckold. Because there really isn't any middle ground.
I suppose her could inform her that the marriage is now open and he is going to find his own sex partner to replace her. Posted via Mobile Device
@donders , you say take charge, but them advise against actually doing anything. What would you suggest he do? A strongly worded hallmark card?
Please reread my post. I DID suggest that he see an attorney and file for divorce, and move back home:
Quote:
Originally Posted by donders
At this point it's damage control and cutting your losses. Your marriage is over. Go get a lawyer and file for divorce, maintain the upper hand which you will do with the element of surprise.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaggy
@When it is at the point of your wife looking you in the eye, admitting she is having sex with another man, and she unabashedly refuses to quit until she is good and ready, quite seriously there aren't any other options apart exposing/D and bring a cuckold. Because there really isn't any middle ground.
I agree there is no middle ground, but that's not the point.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Shaggy
I suppose her could inform her that the marriage is now open and he is going to find his own sex partner to replace her
That won't accomplish anything at all.
The goals here (as I see it) are to get out of this failed marriage as smoothly and as cheaply with as little emotional damage to himself and his kids as possible.
That means not doing anything to escalate the conflict.
P.S. Yes to all the advice from other posters as to taking steps to protect finances in terms of joint credit cards, bank accounts etc.
Also by you volunarily moving out she has better grounds to ask the courts to forbid you to return to the home since conflict is high and you have already found an alternate residence.
The goals here (as I see it) are to get out of this failed marriage as smoothly and as cheaply with as little emotional damage to himself and his kids as possible.
Do you consider allowing to wipe feet on your back not incurring emotional damage?
Do you consider allowing to wipe feet on your back not incurring emotional damage?
It sure is.
Which is why I have suggested he get an attorney, file for divorce and move back home (to maintain a legal advantage).
Exposing the affair is not going to bring her back, it's only going to escalate the conflict. Threatening divorce won't bring her back, it will only cause him to give up the element of surprise and another possible legal advantage.
Isn't not exposing her affair enabling the behavior? Exposing proves that it is indeed shameful behavior she is indulging in.
CF, believe us. Just take this leap of faith. Don't engage the wife. She is evil. Expose to her family first. Then yours. Then mutual friends. If the OM is involved , his family and parents too.
If she comes back after that, you might have a chance to repair. This marriage is already dead. You already lost this marriage and she does not have one tiny bit of respect anyway.
Her suggestion to back off and let her finish cheating on her own time is insane. Think about it, what she is saying that after she is tired of being used by the OM, she might return to you.
Seriously? Why would anyone accept that offer? On the other side, why would a woman want to be with a man with so little self respect that he would accept such an offer.
Isn't not exposing her affair enabling the behavior? Exposing proves that it is indeed shameful behavior she is indulging in.
Enabling? She's going to do it anyway. Or she'll decide to stop on her own. Or she'll stop after it's exposed. People may find out about it after "exposure" and point their fingers and say "tsk tsk that's shameful behavior". So what?
Meanwhile she'll be furious and the divorce attorneys feed that and 5 years and 10's of thousands of dollars later they finally settle the divorce for what the parties could have agreed to if they remained civil and amicable rather than taking shots at each other.
The marriage is OVER.
The goal is to get out of the marriage as quickly as possible not to do things to show other people how shameful she is. What they think doesn't matter.
I am not advocating "inaction" I am advocating the "right" action.
..and wait while she ****talks him to everybody who'd listen? You know she would, because people will ask for the reasons they split up, and you can bet it will be a different story.
Does one's dignity cost less than a *possible* legal battle?
Enabling? She's going to do it anyway. Or she'll decide to stop on her own. Or she'll stop after it's exposed. People may find out about it after "exposure" and point their fingers and say "tsk tsk that's shameful behavior".
Meanwhile she'll be furious and the divorce attorneys feed that and 5 years and 10's of thousands of dollars later they finally settle the divorce for what the parties could have agreed to if they remained civil and amicable rather than taking shots at each other.
Could you provide some links to those stories here where exposure made things worse and the divorce more costly? Or are you just speculating?
By the same token, I can tell you that those of us in R used exposure, which ended the affair AND made the WS come back to the marriage. Exposure may not work in every instance, especially the walk away wives, but its better than to just sit there and be a chump and suck it up. And in many cases, the WS has already demonized you to some people already. Exposure sets the record straight.
Even in cases where exposure did NOT result in the spouse coming back to the marriage, I have not read where it made the divorce worse. Want some examples? How about our famous Shamwow, bandit45, shooboof(?), ing, etc.
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Re: dont know what to do 
