Ok, I'll try to make this short and sweet. My wife of 14 years is having an affair. We have 2 kids also. I found all this out about 3 months ago. It has been going on now for about a year. My problem is that I want to try and fix the marriage but she tells me that she dont want to end the affair yet. I told her to fix us, she has to stop it with him, and she keeps telling me not to tell her what to do. I have started counseling 2 weeks ago and have another appointment today. I moved out last week and yesterday she says she wants to try and fix us, but she will not end it with him yet. I feel like such a sucker because I love her so much that I want to try and fix this. I know that we must fix ourselves first, but I feel with him in the picture, that is not going to happen. Am I a sucker???
Welcome to the forum I thought I would never need my self. You will get good advice from the supporters here.
No, you're not a sucker - not because of this at least. You are probably just dependend of your wife.
There can be no working on your relationship as long as her affair hasn't been ended. You need to be ready to loose her in order to save your self and maybe have a chance to win her back, because you have lost her at the moment. She is deep in her affair fog and can't think clearly.
You will need to do the 180 on her (links will flow I am sure). You have started off well by separating - only it should have been her, that moved out, since it is she that wants to live a singlelife.
Take care of your self. Work on your self, eat, sleep, work out and connect with your own self - this is very important. So good that your have seeked IC at this point.
1st things 1st----YOU GET YOURSELF BACK IN YOUR HOME-----If this goes to D., everything will be 1000, times worse on you, as her atty. will nail you for ABANDONMENT---just get your stuff together and go home NOW---live in seperate parts of the home if you want---but you GO HOME!!!!!
You tell her you know you cannot control what she does, but by the same token, you do control what you do.----You tell her if she wants any hope of R., then she leaves her lover, and goes complete NC, right now
If she refuses, you will have no choice but to end the mge.-----when you took vows they were not vows to be involved in a 3some---mge., is 2 people, and 2 only, who want to love/help/enjoy/be with EACH OTHER, and NO ONE ELSE!!!!!!
You are correct, nothing will change as long as he is in the picture.
Move in back, it's your home too. It's not you who's cheating. If she wants out, she can move out herself.
What she does is known here as cake-eating, getting the best from your support and a kick out of her affair. She will drop you as hot potato as soon as OM suggests her anything "serious". Right now she is fence-sitting in hopes it would develop somewhere with the lover.
You are her Plan B.
Remove yourself as an option. File for divorce. This will bring control to your hands.
Move back home. Kick her out. Tell her that if she wants another relationship, go enjoy it, but it has nothing to do with you and your family, you won't stand for a three person marriage.
Stand up for yourself.
All you have in life is your dignity and self-respect. Don't be afraid to lose your marriage, she has already taken that from you (and shown you it's not valuable to her). It's up to you to make the decisions from now on. Live this, mean it.
File for divorce, don't tell her, just do it. Might just break her out of the affair fog. If not, you have your answer already.
IC is good for you. But keep it about you. Why would you want to stay with someone who refuses to respect you as her husband?
God I hate it when wayward spouses think its up to them what happens. Give her a taste of being on her own. See how fast she comes running back when you show some spine. If she doesn't, it's over anyway. Posted via Mobile Device
You may not be able to tell her what to do but you should not stand there and suffer her actions. Move home and contact a lawyer start the paper work for a D.
Stop letting her dance all over you. expose her affair to everyone. If OM has a spouse expose him to her.
If you already told her that to work on your relationship she needs to loose the OM and she won't then you have to do something more then sit there waiting. She heard you and you heard her. So if she can't give up OM then you must react to her choice. She made her choice you need to make yours.
I really hope that she comes around but it might be unlikely if she is flat out telling you she wants to keep her AP. I just hope that I am wrong for your sake.
I really hope that she comes around but it might be unlikely if she is flat out telling you she wants to keep her AP. I just hope that I am wrong for your sake.
She has clearly demonstrated who is a higher priority male in her life. I would venture to guess the only reason she still pretends to "work on the marriage" is that the AP shows no desire to commit.
Yes, I agree with the others. Move back in. There are two children involved. If you move out, she gets the marital home "for the sake of the children" in court, regardless of her affair.
Once you have moved back in, give her the rules. Expose her affair. She must discontinue immediately or she can leave the marital home herself.
Ok, I'll try to make this short and sweet. My wife of 14 years is having an affair. We have 2 kids also. I found all this out about 3 months ago. It has been going on now for about a year. My problem is that I want to try and fix the marriage but she tells me that she dont want to end the affair yet. I told her to fix us, she has to stop it with him, and she keeps telling me not to tell her what to do. I have started counseling 2 weeks ago and have another appointment today. I moved out last week and yesterday she says she wants to try and fix us, but she will not end it with him yet. I feel like such a sucker because I love her so much that I want to try and fix this. I know that we must fix ourselves first, but I feel with him in the picture, that is not going to happen. Am I a sucker???
Yes you are a sucker.
Stop being a cuckold and file for divorce from your wife.
I personally wouldn`t deal with the absolute disrespect your wife is showing you and that is the sole reason my wife will never show such disrespect.
If you really want to fix your marriage hope the divorce papers wake her up and become the foundation of respect she needs to hold for you/
Hope it wakes her up and breaks the affair.
While waiting for her to be served start reading this.
The first thing you have to do is to end the affair.
Expose the affair to the other man's wife/family. Expose the affair to your family. Expose the affair to your wife's family. Tell them your wife is having an affair, she is having it with, she admits to you she has been having the affair, she refuses to end it, you want to save your marriage, and ask for their support in helping you to save your marriage. Ask the other man's wife and family to help you end the affair. DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE you are doing this. Make all your calls brief, line up all the contact info ahead of time, and make all the calls one after another.
Next, have a calm discussion with your wife. You stay calm. Tell her that unless she ends the affair and goes "no contact" with the other man, you will file for divorce. Then, if she refuses, do it. At this point, she has pushed you around so much, she will not believe you are going to actually file unless you do it. Divorce is a long process, you can always stop the process later if she agrees to your conditions. Other conditions for you not filing for divorce include her giving you complete access to all devices and accounts, her letting you know her whereabouts 24/7, and having no contact with the other man ever again.
The first thing you have to do is to end the affair.
Expose the affair to the other man's wife/family. Expose the affair to your family. Expose the affair to your wife's family. Tell them your wife is having an affair, she is having it with, she admits to you she has been having the affair, she refuses to end it, you want to save your marriage, and ask for their support in helping you to save your marriage. Ask the other man's wife and family to help you end the affair. DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE you are doing this. Make all your calls brief, line up all the contact info ahead of time, and make all the calls one after another.
Next, have a calm discussion with your wife. You stay calm. Tell her that unless she ends the affair and goes "no contact" with the other man, you will file for divorce. Then, if she refuses, do it. At this point, she has pushed you around so much, she will not believe you are going to actually file unless you do it. Divorce is a long process, you can always stop the process later if she agrees to your conditions. Other conditions for you not filing for divorce include her giving you complete access to all devices and accounts, her letting you know her whereabouts 24/7, and having no contact with the other man ever again.
As almost everyone has said, step one is move back into YOUR house.
As Will Kane has wisely said, THREATS of divorce and exposure have no effect on an affair. If your anger and pain were enough, there would be no affair in the first place.
Do not warn her about exposure, all it will do is help her get her story straight and make you out to be the bad guy who didn't meet her needs in the marriage, i.e., that the affair is really your fault.
You have only so many cards to wake her up out of this, and you have to play them right.
Get tested for STD's.
Expose the affair to everyone.
See a lawyer to understand your options.
No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change. If the roles were reversed would she be so accepting as you have been? Nobody respects a doormat. She has no respect for you whatsoever. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
ok, I'll try to answer some of the questions. He is not married. I move out because I couldnt deal with seeing her or knowing when she was going out. Also to make it less stressful on my kids. I know it will be hard on them if we do divorce, but I felt it would be better for them now. One thing about me moving out is that things seem different now. What I mean is that she seems to be SLOWLY coming around. Before me moving out, she never said that she wanted to try and work this out. It was always I dont know what I want or, we could try to work it out. Yesterday she said that she want to work this out, which I respond by saying you have to end it. She said that there I go again, telling her what to do. She knew him when she lived here when she was younger. She moved away when she was 12 and came back when she was 17. She reconnected with him on that wonderful site called facebook, which I HATE!!!! She is in contact with him on her phone. Calling and texting him. She see him when she goes out. She told me a while back the old ILYBNILWY and that she wanted her space, which I gave her until I felt she was getting to distant from me. When I tried to bring her closer to me, it seemed like she was pushing even further away. The exposure part scares me A LOT. She is always telling me what happens is between us and no one else. She also tells me that I "boo hoo" to everyone, which I dont. I just need to talk to someone about it. I cant keep this bottled up or I will go certifiable crazy.
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dont know what to do 
