Is getting my wife fired really going to help my marriage? I can see lots of negative consequences in my wallet if I pull this one.
A subject of at least a couple of arguments here that I've been involved in. I'd put it like this: her losing that job could very well go a long ways towards helping your marriage. Her losing her job could very well hurt you financially in a divorce. So, I guess it depends on what you want, and how you see this working out.
Here's a question I really need advice on: I've told her she must leave her job or I will leave. She said "I am not leaving my job." I'm doubling down on this strategy by sharing with her family: and sharing that my intentions are to get her away from OM so we can rebuild, and that if I leave her it will be because of a choice my wife made. This way I can hopefully get her family to say "Liz you really need to choose your family."
So my question is: what do I do now? She won't move out. If I move out I've been suggested by someone who's been there it will amount to giving up custody of my kids if it goes to divorce. So where do I go from here? Please don't say file for divorce unless theres nothing else. I don't want to do that unless I absolutely have too.
You don't move out. If she won't quit after some date known only to you, you file.
So my question is: what do I do now? She won't move out. If I move out I've been suggested by someone who's been there it will amount to giving up custody of my kids if it goes to divorce. So where do I go from here? Please don't say file for divorce unless theres nothing else. I don't want to do that unless I absolutely have too.
DO NOT move out of the home. You did nothing wrong why should you move? Want to take a guess who will fill your place once you move out?
You can't legally kick her out but do as I said earlier and that might be her last wake up call or if she leaves for good it'll help you in child custody if it goes to D.
What is your wife saying about divorce? She doesn't love you but she wants to stay married?
Maybe you should download your states divorce packet and leave it where she can see it. You mayhave to pick the packet up at the court house if its not available online.
You should also open a separate bank acct.
Do you think it will help you sitch if she sees you are serious about moving on?
Supposedly, the gentlemen in the affair thought I knew about the exchanges as she was his support during a difficult time.
This guy is NOT a gentleman, he's a slimeball.
-- He should have been leaning on HIS wife for support, not on yours. If he can't talk to his wife, he should be talking to a counselor.
-- He's trying to make it seem like you're jealous and petty to throw you off the scent and make it about your complicity, when it isn't. He knows he was over the line and is now trying to say that you were okay with it so it was your responsibility. Bull-S***.
-- He's used his so-called grief to bond with your wife; that's really skeezy (and sadly, it isn't uncommon). Maybe he feels sad about losing his sis, but he's using that as an excuse to bond with your wife.
Quote:
Originally Posted by wrsteele1
I don't know whether to believe. My wife is pretty convincing that she ended it.
Why do you think it is "likely" that the affair did not end? And how should I deal with that possibility?
Cheating spouses lie, even when the cheating is just an emotional affair. They behave like addicts. She says that before this guy came along, you guys were fine. However, she is clinging to her crush instead of feeling love for you. She is emotionally and romantically checked out because she has bonded with this guy. Being someone's savior is a powerful feeling and she likes feeling important to this guy. Whether or not she is still in active communication with the guy, the bond is still there and until that bond is broken, she can't bond with you and will only see you as the wet blanket and killjoy of her fun.
Do not take her word or his word about whether or not it's over. They would most likely lie to protect their "friendship". You should read "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass. You should do some independent surveillance to see if they are still in communication or not. While she is still attached to the OM, it will be very difficult to restore your marriage.
Stay in counseling. Figure out what was missing for her that she chose to attach to this guy; did she not feel she was important to you or needed by you in a way that she does with OM? Figuring out why she strayed is the first step to preventing it from happening again or from remaining a source of conflict. Figure out whether you can forgive her for what she's done. Most of all, find out for yourself if she is truly no longer in touch with this guy. Only after she has let him go will you guys be able to rebuild. She needs to go full No Contact, be transparent about her intentions, and if she isn't really in the marriage or remorseful about her behavior then you should let her go because if she feels like you're trapping her in the marriage, she will want to go after OM even more. 180.
Good luck, buddy. I'm sorry you're in this situation. I know what it feels like and it doesn't feel nice.
If you did what she admits to doing, would you agree to look for another job elsewhere in order to save your marriage?
Cheaters lie. Believe their actions, not their words.
Your wife says she wants to work on the marriage and is going through the motions, but she is taking no real actions.
Again, if the roles were reversed, wouldn't you try to have sex with your wife if you knew that might help save the marriage, even if you weren't "in the mood" or didn't "feel it"? Wouldn't you try it just for the sake of the marriage, especially with nothing else working and your spouse saying that it would help?
She is saying one thing to you, but doing another. Her actions don't support her words.
She won't quit the job because that's where she is able to see the other man.
She won't have sex with you because that would be a violation of her fidelity to the other man.
SHE SAYS SHE WANTS TO SAVE THE MARRIAGE, BUT SHE REALLY STILL WANTS THE OTHER MAN AND IS RESISTING ALL TANGIBLE ACTIONS THAT COULD HELP SAVE THE MARRIAGE.
I can almost guarantee that the other man is stringing your wife along, telling her that someday he will divorce his wife and he will be together with your wife, but first he has to get his financial ducks lined up in a row, wait until his oldest graduates grammar school in June, wait for this, wait for that, etc.
Your wife is planning in her head to be with the other man, but until that day comes, she is waiting it out. Her affair with the other man is all fantasy, no real life hardships or responsibilities, just her and him together forever in an idyllic future that doesn't really exist.
Your most potent weapon against the affair at this point is exposure to the other man's wife. If the other man's wife can find evidence of the affair or turn up the heat on her husband to get him to end contact with your wife, your wife will start to come out of the fog when she sees the other man has thrown her under the bus.
Your second most potent weapon against the affair, if the first one doesn't work, is filing for divorce. After you file, your wife will be forced to start planning for the future. You will talk of splitting up assets, new living arrangements, child custody issues, etc. Your wife will begin to see the reality of the situation, that life will not be so idyllic with the other man after all. This could start to snap your wife out of the fog.
There is no guarantee that any of this will work. You may lose your marriage no matter what you do. You could do nothing, just go on as you have been before posting here, and still lose your marriage. The choice is yours. The collective experience of the posters here seems to be the actions we've recommended. I don't think anyone has recommended staying the course you were on before coming to this forum.
She won't believe it but you need to keep reminding her that men go into affairs for one thing, a piece of a$$. Also remind her that only 1 in 10 cheating relationships make it past three years. On top of that 97% of cheater relationships break up eventually.
Tell her to google infidelity statistics for her self.
Also ask her if she doesn't know nurses and doctors are among the top five proffesions that cheat. I asked a nurse friend if it was as bad as "Greys Anatomy" portrays it and she said real life was way worse, especially on the night shift whe things get slow.
Is getting my wife fired really going to help my marriage? I can see lots of negative consequences in my wallet if I pull this one.
Last case option. She is going to divorce you any way. Might as well give her enough time to think clearly about the marriage without the OM in picture. It might also create some stress between them
What is her reason for not quitting the job? Any genuine reasons?
So a lot has happened. I had lots of (tasteful and moral) fun on Friday and got myself purposefully tagged on FB. Had fun and had some success in generating a little jealousy too. Then I had a intervention with her family and told everyone everything and how bad it was.
Then I called OM's wife: and that's when s*** hit the fan. I found out lots of details about ongoing issues, continuous lies, and unbelievable yet undeniable facts about an ongoing relationship with OM, including several bold faced lies from my wife being exposed from just 2 DAYS AGO (initial confrontation was 5 weeks ago).
So I did what anybody would do when they learn their spouse has had an affair. I confronted her. Catch is: she was at work when I found out. She wouldn't let me give it to her tactfully by leaving with me during the workday. So I shouted the story at the top of my lungs at the hospital and got myself escorted out by security.
I want everyone to know that I AM NOW CALM. I know this has now changed and that I must control my emotions for my kids. There is a different spin now. I intend to file for divorce. I'm not saying she couldn't stop me from divorcing her but I give her no guarantees.
There is a different spin now. I intend to file for divorce. I'm not saying she couldn't stop me from divorcing her but I give her no guarantees.
After you file for divorce make sure to notify your family/friends and most importantly people that care about your wife and have influence over her. It'll be hard to say the same thing over and over again but write a simple paragraph and read the same line for every person you call/text. Hopefully this will be a wake up call for her.
So a lot has happened. I had lots of (tasteful and moral) fun on Friday and got myself purposefully tagged on FB. Had fun and had some success in generating a little jealousy too. Then I had a intervention with her family and told everyone everything and how bad it was.
Then I called OM's wife: and that's when s*** hit the fan. I found out lots of details about ongoing issues, continuous lies, and unbelievable yet undeniable facts about an ongoing relationship with OM, including several bold faced lies from my wife being exposed from just 2 DAYS AGO (initial confrontation was 5 weeks ago).
So I did what anybody would do when they learn their spouse has had an affair. I confronted her. Catch is: she was at work when I found out. She wouldn't let me give it to her tactfully by leaving with me during the workday. So I shouted the story at the top of my lungs at the hospital and got myself escorted out by security.
I want everyone to know that I AM NOW CALM. I know this has now changed and that I must control my emotions for my kids. There is a different spin now. I intend to file for divorce. I'm not saying she couldn't stop me from divorcing her but I give her no guarantees.
I am so, so sorry.
I know there are various BSs on the boards right now in various stages of denial about whether or not their spouses are still in contact with their APs.
I know that you have gone from a bit of denial, because your wife (JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE'S SPOUSE, SHE WAS NO DIFFERENT!) was a very good liar, to investigating and not being able to ascertain the truth. But you kept at it.
No one wants to expose, but you can see how it was the right thing to do. You see how timing it ensured the best outcome--you told the family FIRST so she could not spin this against you, then you told the OMW...and now the truth comes out.
Those jobs where the OMs and WSs still meet up are a f*cking b*tch. I hope that the MANY people on the boards in this situation read what happened to you because maintaining contact is a FAIL in emotional affairs. Again, console yourself that your situation is no different, your wife wasn't in any way unusually weak nor the OM especially attractive or anything of that nature.
As you realize, getting arrested is not a way to help your kids. But none of us is going to sit in judgment over the very human way that you reacted.
I am so sorry. Get the papers to her as quickly as possible.
For whatever reason, I am still rooting for R for you, but for that to happen the OM needs to throw your wife under the bus. That may not happen. And if that were to happen and she comes crawling back, you have to think long and hard about what exactly you've "won."
I hope you called the therapist and kept them up-to-date. If the therapist expresses deep surprise after this I'd fire them on the spot, because it means that they just aren't up to snuff when it comes to handling infidelity in a marriage.
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Re: Trapped in a bad marriage, help! 
