You are doing well. Continue on the same path. Do not weaken.
Your wife is very stubborn and very deep in the fog, but she is coming out of it.
You can see her deterioration.
The closer she gets to moving out, being forced to see how lousy it will be financially and the issues involved with seeing and caring for her children, and the fact that the other man is only interested in her as a sex toy, the more she will come out of the fog.
It may need to reach the point where she actually moves out and she sees the other man is not doing the same before she comes back.
Whether or not you want her back is not something you have to decide now. Your goal at this point is to keep that option open.
Having all family and friends know helps ensure she feels the pressure from all angles. They are not in the fog and they can see it for what it is. If her parents question whether or not the affair is physical, let them know you have a tape of her giving the other man a blowjob in the parking lot and let them know the other man is using her as a sex toy.
If she brings up the affair again, ask her does she think the other man is going to leave his wife for her or does she think the other man maybe just likes to text her about having sex and then get blowjobs in the parking lot and maybe is just stringing her along.
If you let her stay in the house and do not force the issue, she would be perfectly happy to continue the affair the way it was forever. Had you not found out and forced the issue, who knows how long your wife would have let you continue on in the pain you were in, wondering what was going on?
Do you feel better about yourself following the path your on now as opposed to where you were a few weeks ago before you knew the truth?
I think I'm done talking to her family. They have enough of their own pain, I've talked to them in an "intervention" like fashion, and I just don't have the desire to do it again. Even if they don't know the full truth.
My plan is to take your advice and keep pushing her out. But I'm not doing it to promote R, I'm doing it because I don't want my wife in my house when she is not committed to our marriage. At this point even if she did commit to our marriage (unfathomable), I would still want her out. When I see her I wish everything was OK, so I would rather just start a new chapter and adjust to a new reality.
Yes I feel better about my path. I got the closure I needed, and I might not know all the answers (ie when did this start), but I know enough. I wish I knew more, but I do know enough to take care of my own psyche.
In taking the path I've taken, I feel I've regained myself. I can allow myself to have fun again (first time in 6 weeks). I can successfully redirect my thoughts when appropriate. I can enjoy my time with my girls. I know she screwed up royally and I know she will regret what she's thrown away. I have pride in the way I've handled the situation. The five darkest days of my life have all happened in the last 6 weeks, yet I'm still alive, and even well.
In taking the path I've taken, I feel I've regained myself. I can allow myself to have fun again (first time in 6 weeks). I can successfully redirect my thoughts when appropriate. I can enjoy my time with my girls. I know she screwed up royally and I know she will regret what she's thrown away. I have pride in the way I've handled the situation. The five darkest days of my life have all happened in the last 6 weeks, yet I'm still alive, and even well.
I still look back in shock to where you were on May 29 and now it's only June 13.
I know it was hard to verify what she was really up to. I know that it was nothing short of traumatic. But this is why, if you can be brave enough to do it, verification is the way to go. Many people don't "get" it. Those are people who would D her over texting; or D her over half-heartedly reconciling. But she was never going to D, or else she was only going to do it when she was good and ready. And she was going to lie to everyone, including her own children, about why you would D her if you couldn't prove the truth. Some people wouldn't care about that, but I know I would.
A lot of people think that cheating is about sex. But it isn't--it's about cruelly lying to you so they can have it all. It takes a level of consciousness and premeditation that takes your breath away when you contemplate it.
The only explanation for it is the psychological compartmentalization that's required to manage this. She is not insane (she knows it's wrong) and she can function in society. If the two halves of her brain met up and fully contemplated what she's done, it would cause something approaching mental breakdown. I may be wrong--but I see that in her future. She's still inside the bubble so the full impact hasn't hit.
On a personal note--I can see my time on CWI winding down. I wondered for a while why stick around at all. But it's been very healing. Many times all it comes down to is someone realizing, as you have, that you ARE a good person and that you WILL come out the other side. There are still more tough times ahead, but you are stronger than you think.
I still look back in shock to where you were on May 29 and now it's only June 13.
I know it was hard to verify what she was really up to. I know that it was nothing short of traumatic. But this is why, if you can be brave enough to do it, verification is the way to go. Many people don't "get" it. Those are people who would D her over texting; or D her over half-heartedly reconciling. But she was never going to D, or else she was only going to do it when she was good and ready. And she was going to lie to everyone, including her own children, about why you would D her if you couldn't prove the truth. Some people wouldn't care about that, but I know I would.
A lot of people think that cheating is about sex. But it isn't--it's about cruelly lying to you so they can have it all. It takes a level of consciousness and premeditation that takes your breath away when you contemplate it.
The only explanation for it is the psychological compartmentalization that's required to manage this. She is not insane (she knows it's wrong) and she can function in society. If the two halves of her brain met up and fully contemplated what she's done, it would cause something approaching mental breakdown. I may be wrong--but I see that in her future. She's still inside the bubble so the full impact hasn't hit.
On a personal note--I can see my time on CWI winding down. I wondered for a while why stick around at all. But it's been very healing. Many times all it comes down to is someone realizing, as you have, that you ARE a good person and that you WILL come out the other side. There are still more tough times ahead, but you are stronger than you think.
She its treating me like crap but won't move out. Wants to move out on July 8. I really don't want her in the house 3 more weeks. Posted via Mobile Device
She its treating me like crap but won't move out. Wants to move out on July 8. I really don't want her in the house 3 more weeks. Posted via Mobile Device
You have read and studied the 180, correct? Now is the time to employ it. Only cheerful self-confidence (but indifference) toward her. It's you time now, being the best person you know how to be, living your life as you will need to anyhow whether she stays or goes.
Yeah. Just pretend she's not there. Don't make her food, don't wash her clothes, don't include her in any activities. Go out and have fun every night when you get off work. Let her see what she's created.
She its treating me like crap but won't move out. Wants to move out on July 8. I really don't want her in the house 3 more weeks. Posted via Mobile Device
First Saturday her family is available to move her. She won't let me move her. Or my friends. And since I get most all the friends in the divorce, she really has nobody. Posted via Mobile Device
She's giving him blowjobs in her car. Helping her move seems like the least he can do.
I pointed this out to her, you should have seen the non verbal communication she sent back. It said something along the lines of "he would NEVER do that and the idea of asking for it makes me sick to my stomach."
Can't say whether he's left his wife but I don't think so. Posted via Mobile Device
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Re: Trapped in a bad marriage, help! 
