The reason I highlighted my faults was to show that I'm not blameless here. If I'm such a bad guy though what's stopping her from being honest with me? When I ask what I've done to deserve this she wouldn't answer me. Even trying to guilt her by saying that spending 20 years with someone should at least grant me a little honesty didn't work. If she blames it all on me I'm fine with that, I just don't like being lied to.
Your marital problems by no means justifies her infidelity (and yes, I believe she is indeed cheating).
But the question is - is there a marriage to save at this point? You both seem so detached and distant that it will take serious hard work and dedication from you and her to re-establish a connection. Your porn addiction has ruined your sex-life, and the fact that you haven't worked for a significant amount of time has damaged her perception of you as a man.
You may very well be able to end her affair by exposing it to her family and co-workers/friends. But she may not want to reconnect with you. She will need a marriage she wants to come back to if you want to reconcile, and she may not be willing to work things out. You need to be prepared to let her go, and file for divorce if it comes to that.
...and the fact that you haven't worked for a significant amount of time has damaged her perception of you as a man.
I think more than anything else this is the reason. It sucked being unemployed but for someone that has never had to look for a "real" job I don't think she understands how hard it is to find one.
But the question is - is there a marriage to save at this point? You both seem so detached and distant that it will take serious hard work and dedication from you and her to re-establish a connection.
And while we indeed are detached from each other we still do thing together, hell she's planning a summer vacation for us at this very point.
And while we indeed are detached from each other we still do thing together, hell she's planning a summer vacation for us at this very point.
I don't know what to say to that. It may be that there is something in the marriage that she feels is worth saving. Or, it may be that she has grown comfortable with the status quo, and doesn't want to lose her home and lifestyle.
I'm a bit cynical, so I suspect it's the latter.
If you want to reconnect with your wife, you need to expose the affair to family, friends, and coworkers. While suggestive texts will certainly alert them to the affair, they aren't really conclusive - she could downplay the texts easily.
You may want to dig a bit deeper, and do some sleuthing. Hire a PI, or purchase a voice-activated recorder if she drives to work. Bugging her car may give you the smoking gun you need.
Also, she syncs her iPad to your computer, right? iTunes?
I swear I saw a post recently that explained how to recover deleted texts from iPad/iPhone devices. Let me see if i can find that.
Ya, there is a big time detachment going on here, she has someone else to attach to.
#1 rule until the other man is completely out of the picture the dynamics of the marriage will be effected.
In short, you are in a lossing battle until OM is gone.
I have been around long enough to see the red flags man.
Your wife has repalced you and will not hurt you by telling you the truth, She will lie on her childrens lives before admitting to the pain she is causing you.
So I suggest you quitely investigate for your self to see if you are getting screwed. So please protect your self from more pain and deciet and bring this evidence forward and then confront your wife and see if both of you can face this crap and .......what ever the hell it is you guys can offer up a deal that will start up a healthier marriage and new marriage were the both of you can mee t each others needs.
Sorry man, about the job, it sucks and after a while I just got back on my feet. It sucks when they start giving you crap but at the end of the day you jst have to alph male up and treat them like women instead of a wife.
Again until OM is confirmed and admitted to and dealt with and removed your marriage is screwed.
In the end, it's your wife who has to confront herself. You had no job and she lost all respect for you. She is looking for outside validation; and given the lack of respect, the boundaries will move back until they disappear.
They say living well is the best revenge. It's also the best solution. Wash a dish. Plant a rose bush. Put up a new drape or shower curtain without telling her. Don't go buy her something. It won't matter. Don't think talking and reasoning or confrontation will accomplish anything. If she thinks you're lazy and don't care, she's got the "why bother" attitude. If you think it would be better to work somewhere other than with her, find another good job.
It's not just some other guy she's talking with. She's probably got a friend or two she's badmouthed you to and who "supports" her. And she's talking to herself, rewriting the worst kind of history.
So, give her something new to talk about---a new and improved you. It won't happen overnight, but it can and does happen. Posted via Mobile Device
Timber:
it's important that you lay down your terms and conditons for your marriage to successfully proceed .and in the mean time work on yourself making yourself financially secure and engaging in in some good hobbies .Ask her about the shortcomings she feels are there in the marriage and if her points are valid then start working on them selectively.
Good Luck.
I think more than anything else this is the reason. It sucked being unemployed but for someone that has never had to look for a "real" job I don't think she understands how hard it is to find one.
Ah, so it appears that there is some conflict here regarding your job search. What do you do all day while she is working two jobs to keep the marriage afloat? Is it possible that her burden is heavier than you give her credit for? Is is possible that she does not feel appreciated by you?
No, I am not excusing what she might be doing, but seeing it from the point of view of a woman who may feel over burdened, unappreciated, and deprived from the lack of intimacy.
How do you handle marital conflict? Discuss it lovingly with concern and respect for her feelings, or do you brush her off, bully her, try to control her?
You see, while I again do not condone what she might be doing, I can see where she might be searching elsewhere for the validation that she seems to crave. Each of you need to take ownership of the problems in your marriage.
Few points and I'll just try and cover them all in one post.
Yes the OM is married from what I can tell although he fb page is gone now, probably because I messaged him and said I know what is going on.
I know her burden was heavy during my search. I did what I could, I made sure the house was clean, the clothes done anything I could so she wouldn't have to do anything extra at home.
When I confronted her she asked me what I wanted her to do. She said she would quit the second job but I challenged her and said there was no way she would do that. In my mind she has the best of both worlds, she can be angry at me for her working the second job but she can also see the OM by working the second job. I told her to quit or at least cut back the other job to 2 nights a week, she still hasn't done that under the guise of us not having enough money if she does it.
when you get hard evidence, you need to find OM's wife and tell her. It's a good chance that he will throw your wife under the bus to save his own skin and destroy the affair.
when you get hard evidence, you need to find OM's wife and tell her. It's a good chance that he will throw your wife under the bus to save his own skin and destroy the affair.
That's basically what I said when I messaged the OM. I said "I just wanted you to know that I know what's going on. I hope your wife knows as well."
Now they're no longer fb friends and I can't find his account any longer. I find it interesting that she didn't say anything to me about it since one would assume that he told her about it.
Dude, you know she had or is having an affair. You broched the subject with the OM and what does he do? He deletes his account. If he had nothing to hide, he would have been like, " Who the hell is this? There's nothing going on dude!" He wouldn't have to hide.
That's basically what I said when I messaged the OM. I said "I just wanted you to know that I know what's going on. I hope your wife knows as well."
Now they're no longer fb friends and I can't find his account any longer. I find it interesting that she didn't say anything to me about it since one would assume that he told her about it.
dont discount the possibility that he blocked you on FB making it look to you like he took down his account, have you checked on HER account?
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Re: Is she cheating? 
