Ok so I'm going to start this out by saying that I'm haven't been a very good husband in the past. For most of our marriage I've been more happy "being with myself" than having a sexual relationship with my wife. We'd go month with no sex and I think at one point even more than a year. I'm not an emotionally intimate person and over time she hasn't really been one either.
Now over the past several years we have had problems mostly stemming from her anger over me losing my job and not being able to get a new job. She had to pick up a second job at night (important part of the story) and was putting in some serious hours trying to keep us afloat. I finally got a job but it's working with her at her day job. I'm making good money but I think it's hard on her having to see me every day.
We've been married for going on 9 years and have been together for 19 year.
Now onto my story. She has always been pretty much an open book, I've always known her passwords but never had reason to check any of her stuff. A few months ago I started noticing that she'd always be on Facebook, when I'd use her iPad she'd make sure to log out which I thought was odd because I never log out of FB. Then I would notice her texting this guy for long periods at a time right in front of me. As it turns out the guy she was texting she worked with at her night job. Whenever she would talk to me about her night job she wouldn't mention his name but would mention other people's names which would again me suspicious. So on nights she wasn't working she would fall asleep on the couch and wouldn't come to bed around 2am and still be messing around on her phone in bed. I'm starting to get angry but I never say anything about it to avoid the confrontation.
I finally start trying to log into her Facebook account but it's not a password she usually uses. I figure out the password and I see messages between her and this guy with her saying what she would like to do with him, words she's never used with me in our 19 years together. I get furious and confront her about it that night but I don't tell her what I found and she never admits anything but turns things around on me saying that I've known we've been having problems for a long time. I let it go and do what I probably shouldn't do and try to make things better between us. I'm made a concerted effort not to "be with myself" and improve our sexual relationship. In the back of my mind I still think something is going on so after a few weeks go by I confront her again only this time I tell her what I saw. She says it was just a fantasy but won't say anything else, she says she hasn't slept with anyone else.
So again I let it go but still every time her phone goes off I'm wondering what's going on, whenever I wake up in the middle of the night and see her on her phone I'm wondering what's going on.
I don't know what to do. Other than the thoughts constantly in my head things haven't been this good sexually with us in years. But how much do should I bite my tongue?
Sorry for the long rambling post, just needed to get this off of my chest.
When you wake up in the middle of the night and she is on the phone, don't say a word at any point, snatch the phone (have your keys ready), go get in your car and drive to some place so you can park. Then check her phone.
When you go back and she wants to give you hell. Explain that she has given you every reason to think the worst and you had to find out for yourself
You need to tell her how her sexual talk with this man hurt you and if she is serious on working on your marriage she needs to lay it all on the table and if you can make her happy now or is it too late, ask her that. I went thru something similar with my h, keeping it bottled in made it worse, and my anxiety grew. She needs to make a no contact with this guy both at work and not at work, if she is serious and sorry. Posted via Mobile Device
She's definitely into that guy at work, although I couldn't guess how far that has gone. It will turn into a physical affair soon if it hasn't already. She's certainly thinking about it...the fantasies.
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Ok so I'm going to start this out by saying that I'm haven't been a very good husband in the past. For most of our marriage I've been more happy "being with myself" than having a sexual relationship with my wife. We'd go month with no sex and I think at one point even more than a year. I'm not an emotionally intimate person and over time she hasn't really been one either.
To me, this sounds like the two of you already had lots of issues and distance between you. Why do you choose to masturbate rather than have sex with your wife? A year is a very long time. Many couples start to fall apart when their sex life is close to zero.
I'm not saying you don't have a right to honesty from her - if she is thinking of other men, she needs to tell you so that you two can figure out what you want to do with your marriage. She shouldn't be starting affairs behind your back (or in front since she's texting him right there next to you!).
But if you prefer masturbation over sex with your wife, and you aren't emotionally intimate either, then maybe you don't really want to be married?
I thought about the keylogger but got frustrated looking for one that wasn't a virus. Any one that is recommended? Also she uses her phone and iPad far more than her laptop.
She's using an android phone but also using fb messenger on there.
Her night job is at a restaurant so plenty of people but I do know she'll eat dinner with him at the end of the night. That she told me before I brought anything up.
To me, this sounds like the two of you already had lots of issues and distance between you. Why do you choose to masturbate rather than have sex with your wife? A year is a very long time. Many couples start to fall apart when their sex life is close to zero.
But if you prefer masturbation over sex with your wife, and you aren't emotionally intimate either, then maybe you don't really want to be married?
Here's the thing, I love having sex with my wife but I have a bit of a porn addiction and I was having a hard time "completing". It's sort of embarrassing as a man when you can't finish or even start at times. I was masturbating to the point where I could not be with my wife.
I've had to make a concerted effort not to watch porn but by not doing it it's made being with my wife far easier.
I thought about the keylogger but got frustrated looking for one that wasn't a virus. Any one that is recommended? Also she uses her phone and iPad far more than her laptop.
She's using an android phone but also using fb messenger on there.
Her night job is at a restaurant so plenty of people but I do know she'll eat dinner with him at the end of the night. That she told me before I brought anything up.
Most if not all keyloggers will get stuck on the anti-virus side. You might want to disbale them temporarily. Try desktopshark, they have a free trial or a very cheap version.
Here's the thing, I love having sex with my wife but I have a bit of a porn addiction and I was having a hard time "completing". It's sort of embarrassing as a man when you can't finish or even start at times. I was masturbating to the point where I could not be with my wife.
I've had to make a concerted effort not to watch porn but by not doing it it's made being with my wife far easier.
Your marriage is feeling the repercussions of this. Your wife is going elsewhere for the attention she hasn't been getting from you.
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I get furious and confront her about it that night but I don't tell her what I found and she never admits anything but turns things around on me saying that I've known we've been having problems for a long time.
She's not turning things around on you when she says you've known that you've been having problems for a long time. She is stating a fact - your marriage has been in trouble for a long time, and is still in trouble. That she's paying so much attention to this guy is just one more sign highlighting the trouble your marriage was already in.
She was probably feeling unattractive, unsexy, unwanted, hurt, disappointed, angry that her own husband didn't want her enough to have sex with her...and then this new guy came along and started treating her like he thinks she is something special. I'm sure that felt very gratifying and appealing to her. Flattering. She started feeling sexy again.
If you two aren't good at communicating and aren't emotionally intimate, I really don't know how you'd work through this to get to a better place. I don't think you can turn this around just by starting to have sex with her more often now. That's a start, certainly, but you have to address her years of feelings and frustrations and resentments about your porn addiction, and the effect it's had on her self-esteem and your entire marital dynamic before you can have a healthy marriage. I'm sure she's lost some respect for you, and made her feel like she was alone in the marriage...which makes it easier for her to turn to someone else.
Read some of the threads here written by the women married to men with porn addictions - they are deeply sad at what has happened to their husbands and their relationships, and struggle a great deal. It might help you understand your wife's perspective a little better.
She's not turning things around on you when she says you've known that you've been having problems for a long time. She is stating a fact - your marriage has been in trouble for a long time, and is still in trouble. That she's paying so much attention to this guy is just one more sign highlighting the trouble your marriage was already in.
The reason I highlighted my faults was to show that I'm not blameless here. If I'm such a bad guy though what's stopping her from being honest with me? When I ask what I've done to deserve this she wouldn't answer me. Even trying to guilt her by saying that spending 20 years with someone should at least grant me a little honesty didn't work. If she blames it all on me I'm fine with that, I just don't like being lied to.
Tell her to end the contact with him. Then get into marriage counselling.
Why aren't you having sex with your wife?
If you do not think you will have sex with her in the future nor do you truly want to have a sexual relationship with her, be honest with her. Then let her decide if she wants to stay in a sexless marriage.
The reason I highlighted my faults was to show that I'm not blameless here. If I'm such a bad guy though what's stopping her from being honest with me? When I ask what I've done to deserve this she wouldn't answer me. Even trying to guilt her by saying that spending 20 years with someone should at least grant me a little honesty didn't work. If she blames it all on me I'm fine with that, I just don't like being lied to.
I don't know why she won't come out and say it. How have you reacted in the past when she's talked with you about your porn addiction and the effect it's had? Or other touchy issues, like your difficulty finding a new job? Do you open up to each other, or does it just turn into an argument?
It seems what's happened is: sustained porn addiction and lack of sex has led to emotional distance has led to a shaky marriage has led to her opening up to another man who makes her feel good about herself. How would you react if she told you that? Maybe she doesn't want to open that whole can of worms that leads back to sex, intimacy and porn? Or maybe she has tried to work on this with you but has given up?
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Is she cheating? 
