I feel bad wanting answers about the A when he's dealing with other issues but how long do I have to wait? I'm ALWAYS waiting and not getting. I'm put on the back burner.
I had asked him about one of the women he has children with but he says that doesn't pertain to me that I don't need to know anything. I realize they will probably never see each other as they are on different continents but still why can't I know how long the realationsip was?? why did it end?? He just says I don't ask you about your X husband.
I feel like so what??? Just tell me whatever I want to know. This is from a man that has never once asked me how my day was. If it was up to him we'd probably never talk about anything important. Of course, that's how I lived for the past 17 years but I'm getting REALLY tired of it now.
This is not a good sign. I guess he can say that you knew what kind of person he was when you met him (not good with communication) but you also have a right to decide its no longer enough...
My H was not a good communiator. He doesn't have ex-wives or children from other marriages and I've known him since we were kids so I know all about him and knew who his ex-girlfriends were. He also was interested in hearing about my day. In other words we had and still have a great friendship. I knew he had a big flaw, he is an avoider. If its confrontational, he'll avoid. I accepted him as he was.
It was fine for many many years. Of course that meant I have the burden of finances, taxes, and tough decisions. He avoids and is happy to let me decide. From day 1 "here is my paycheck..." always willing to work hard and contribute but don't make him manage bills. Then when life got a little stagnant and stressful he cheated. He could have communicated these issues but he avoided until he had a full blown affair. I confronted, he avoided. In fact he left in the middle of the night because I confronted him when he went to a strip bar with the neighbor and his wife and the OW. That's a date! No its a drink with a buddy and the girls jumped in the car. He got irate with me and left. Guess who stayed home with the kids, held them while they cried because they didn't understand...
So now its not good enough. I won't fall in to a repeat pattern. I won't allow him to treat me and our children this way. So upon reconciliation when he said "I want what we had" I said I don't! If that's all you have to give, then I don't want to be a part of your life. Wow! When did I learn to do that he wondered
I explained how I wanted a partner and not someone like he was. He'd have to grow up and be a better husband. Pretty harsh huh?
So can he? I don't know. I know he is trying. As hard as it is though, he does communicate. It was hard at first, he got angry when I brought up the A. Then our counselor said he was avoiding again and its because he was ashamed so he'd better face it because he is the one who made me feel that way. He did a turnaround at that point, and I have to say if he hadn't I would have left him. I refuse to not be allowed to talk about it. I don't ever throw it in his face..that was in the beginning when I had anger...now its calm discussion at the right moments. Sometime I don't want to talk about it and he knows something is wrong he has started to ask and has supported me.
So I'm not telling you what to do but I just don't think its possible to get past this with how he is handling it and I'm sorry he's just making excuses. Its like you don't want to bother him with the pain you feel. Excuse me, he's the one who caused it and he's asking you to make a huge leap of faith to trust him again. In your shoes I would tell him that in order to have a happy marriage you do have to put this behind you but you aren't being allowed to do that. Its going to be tough but you can work through it together. If he won't accept that then you have a decision to make.