OW is neighbor
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Coping with Infidelity Relationship recovery from the destructiveness of infidelity.

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Old 03-28-2009, 09:32 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Default OW is neighbor

Hi I'm new to this site.. Long story but to make it brief my H's A ended in May 2006 to a women who was my friend and still is a neighbor. I conceived in the middle of the A. I go through periods of being OK and then days were I still have issues. Spring time is not a wonderful time for me since I then see OW outside. My H and I have gone to counseling but I wasn't real satisfied with it. I always felt our MC thought I needed to drop the issue and move on. We have looked into moving but I don't think it's possible this year. Finances for both familys are tight. Since I thought she was a close friend I knew how there finances were as well. She has added two more children to there M since the A. Which brings up another issue for me. The baby I conceived during the A and her last two will want to play together as they get older. The thought of this totoally sucks. We both had two older children who would play together. Sometimes they hang out or play ball out front but not too much. They are in their early teens and have grow apart.

My H doesn't want to talk of the A anymore but I still have questions. I don't know how or even if it's possible to get past it. See for one year my H denied the whole A, saying she made it up. He confessed in June of 2007. Our communication has always been bad. He just doesn't like to talk and me being a women, I want to talk. Apparently most of there encounters took place in our home while I was at work. My H and I work opposite shifts. My H even said the first time they had sex was in our shed while I was in the kitchen. Our shed is almost directly outside the kitchen window. I don't get it, how could anyone do that? The A lasted for 7 months. Funny thing was I had two dreams during this period about an affair but never had a clue that my dream was actually reality.

From what I understand what she told her H and what my H finally told me don't add up. Hopefully she has since told her H the truth but who knows. Her H originally told me that A was one month long and they had sex 3 times. Must shorter than my H's version. I do still think that we will run into each other and talk. I'm at a point where I'd like that so I can hear what she has to say. Of course, I briefly spoke to her...I mean I drove up beside her one day as she was walking and asked her why she thought she loved my H... both her H and mine confirmed that she thought she loved him.. She just said "you should have left him"

Anyway, much more to say but my morning is getting crazy... hope I didn't have too many type o's..
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Old 03-28-2009, 10:00 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Could your child, and one of her new children be half siblings?
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Old 03-28-2009, 10:09 AM   #3 (permalink)
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No, that I'm sure of. She conceived almost exactally one year from the A ending and I've briefly seen the baby and he looks like her other kids.

It was something I was concerned with in the beginning but my H had always said absolutely not and I can believe that now.
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Old 03-28-2009, 10:24 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Your husband needs to continue to look for another job. Something that his hours will be the same as yours. Even in making the effort, you will be reassured. Consider looking to trade houses with someone.

Last edited by Initfortheduration; 03-28-2009 at 10:29 AM.
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Old 03-28-2009, 11:51 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I'm not interesting in my H getting another job and trust me he'd never find one and make what he does now. He has very little education and he's lucky to have the one he has now.

I have never had a partner work the same shift as me and honestly I know I wouldn't like it if he was home the same time as me. He'd drive me and the kids nuts. I'm pretty independent and I know that kind of situation is definately not for me.

Moving is what I need to do and in time I know it will happen just not this year.
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Old 03-28-2009, 02:32 PM   #6 (permalink)
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So fairydust, does your husband know how you feel about him being around with you? Does he feel some how disrespected, or his place diminished. Allow me to get up in your grill a little on this. Do you realize just how horrible what you said is? One. You don't want him around you and the kids during the day, because he would drive you nuts. Two, you don't want him to get another job because he couldn't make the same money. So then his only value to you is the bank balance he provides. HOW F-ING CALLOUS ARE YOU?!

Your poor husband. Did you ever think, your husband drives you guys nuts because he feels lonely and excluded. That maybe he feels like HE IS ONLY A PAYCHECK TO YOU. That he feels unappreciated. That his wife is happy to share both, what she likes most about him (his provision) and what she likes least about him (his presence). You said the other woman and you were friends. Did you ever deride your husband to her? Did you talk smack about him behind his back? PUT IT THIS WAY, DID YOU EVER SAY TO HER WHAT YOU JUST SAID ON THIS BOARD, ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND?

Could she have in some way gotten the idea that you "weren't all that in to your husband"? Could she have looked upon him with compassion and felt bad for him that his wife would talk about him that way?

You said she was a close friend, if you shared with us, just a fraction of what you shared with her. I pity your husband. I am not defending infidelity, but if your husband was led to feel less valuable by you. And to be more of a tragic figure by her, because of what you said about him to her. Then shame on you.

All a man wants, is to be a hero to his wife and family. Is he your hero? He will work like a dog to earn his wife's respect. Does he have your respect? He will give his very life for his wife and family. What is that life worth to you? He may be an uneducated and simple man. But he is worthy of respect.

You say you want to sell your house. Well fairydust, Just remember. Wherever you go there you are. Do him and yourself a favor. Work on your attitude about your husband before you put up the for sale sign. You would only be improving your location, not your marriage.

Last edited by Initfortheduration; 03-28-2009 at 02:48 PM.
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Old 03-28-2009, 08:13 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Prior to my H's last A I was the ONLY one being a responsible parent. He was out drinking and doing drugs after work. In which he lost jobs and spent time in jail and rehab. I was the ONLY one every here for him during all this time. None of which helped his addictions.

What did I get from all I ever did for him??? Probably several A's that I didn't know about and finally the one that hurt the most. This is what I got from him when he finally decided to grow up and try to quit what he was doing.

I stayed with him because I felt the need to fix him. Which didn't work. Much love was lost in the process.

As I've told him I'm trying to get the love back but I need him to help me.

Yes, he's finally improving but is it too much to ask for some communication???? We've never had it and I desperately need it from him.

My H has a job that he likes and pays well for him. Neither one of us is looking for him to change jobs and he likes the shift he works. It's also best for our youngest as we don't have the funds for daycare. We live paycheck to paycheck because of bills he created with his habits. He's always worked these types of shifts and enjoys it.

My H doesn't see a problem with our relationship but I do. If you ask him everything's fine. I just want serious communication.

Sure OW could have felt compassion for him but why then would she risk ruining a good husband that she had. My H also said plently of things around here in front of me that many women would have found disrespectful. I was called many overweight names (and I'm only slightly overweight)and also about how stupid I was right in front of OW. He's right, I was stupid... I didn't see them f'ing right under my own nose.
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Old 03-28-2009, 10:41 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I am sorry if I was harsh. Serves me right for commenting before I had the whole story. I was speaking of that specific post. If he has had multiple affairs and is a serial cheater. Why do you stay? If you don't mind. What is the back story, yours and his. Marriages, growing up and such.
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Old 03-29-2009, 04:13 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Hi fairydust,

i feel so much for you...me at my end also stood by my H...after 10 yrs of debts repayment..and his probably multiple affairs..

he shouldn't demean you like saying you are overweight etc..

i think between couples there should be communication..

i tried to justify my H's infidelities as him trying to get back his "pride" becoz infront of me...he has zero pride...he's only making enuff to take care of himself...i shoulder the household..and i also call him useless bump etc..he juz listen and dare not talk back

the OW is terrible to say such things...but can you read further into it?? perhaps..she pitied dat its happening to you? or maybe your H haf sad sumthing lousy about you infront of her...?

did you do anything to improve yourself when he calls you fat?

by asking that i am totally not agreeable to infidelity becoz its utter disrespect for you. i am guilty of not changing to be more loving to my hb when he told me...and it became a viscious cycle..he cheated again and again..

but should you decide dat you can be financially independent and give the best to your children. which doesn't look like it at the moment.. then make a decision to leave.
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Old 03-29-2009, 08:48 AM   #10 (permalink)
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My H doesn't call me names anymore. That's one thing he did stick to in MC. Actually when he would call me names I didn't let it bother me. I knew he had issues and it wasn't me. It was his own insecurities. I was just really hurt when he called me all the names of being stupid when he was cheating with OW.

He has only confessed to two A's but trust me it was like pulling teeth. He denied,denied, denied until I had the proof that he could no longer deny it. About 2 or 3 months before this last A I called a phone number on his cell phone because he told me about something that happened in the bar the night before about a couple getting into a fight ect,ect and that's why he was late coming home. I called and the story checked out but then the girl told me that my H has been seeing her friend for the last two weeks and the girl gave him a BJ. Well when I confronted my H--absolutely NOT and then I said do you want me to call this girl back... finally confessed. We both cried and cried. I then became even more sexual with my H, pleasing him in anyway possible. Making sure he was happy then BAM, 2-3 months later A with OW.. WTF..

So now when I think about all the times he was out late,didn't answer his cell phone, hearing females in the background ect,ect.. I know truely believe he has cheated many, many times but I don't have the proof and he swears these were the only two. I use to think it was just drug related but my heart and head is now being realistic telling me different. I just want the honest truth. I'm not leaving because of it I just want to hear the truth.

My H was always a liar. It was just ridiculous the lies he'd say. He really must have thought I was really stupid. I was in a way. I wish I could go back in time and caught him alot sooner.

I have always stayed for the kids. My H made me feel like they'd hate me if I took there dad away. He has 3 children from prior relationships and didn't have contact with them until just recently. But there again, Communication comes up...he won't even tell me what's going on with them.. He just doesn't like to talk about any issues. Sure sports, car he'll talk about just not the important stuff.

Gotta go,he's coming downstairs.
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Old 03-31-2009, 03:36 AM   #11 (permalink)
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I am sorry for your situation and I do not agree with the earlier post...which was later retracted. Your H had no excuse. Nothing in your post was an excuse for him to cheat. I do know about your situation because I was in it. The OW was a neighbor. Actually she still lived at home while going to college. Her parents found out and came and saw me and told me "we can't afford to move but we will find a way". They did and they moved. I am grateful to them for this. If not, I am not sure my marriage would have survived. After I found out and he cut all communication with her, she began to harrass me.

But I am in no position to move. I couldn't sell my house if I wanted too, couldn't rent it, couldn't trade it. Home values have plummeted and I couldn't get a loan. I wouldn't be homeless for her. How would I rent with this mortgage payment? My H's job gives him a lot of freedom and it also pays the bills. So does that make that his only value. No. In fact in your case, your H made a lot of the bills. The earlier poster was right about one thing, a man wants to feel he provides for his family so if he gave that job up, he'd surely plummet in to depression so he needs the job. So I get what you are feeling, a bit trapped.

What can you do in your circumstance? Well first of all your H has to learn better communication. Sit him down, ask him if he really wants this to work. If so he will have to work harder at it and communciate with you and listen to yo when you want to talk about this. If he can't, I don't see how you can make it even if you could move. Next, he has to live a completely transparent life, he needs to build that trust back up. For us, I didn't "lay down the law" or anything controlling like that but I know he met the OW during the day and they had lunch together. I told him that I feel like he is still doing this. So when he finds he will be longer than expected he is really good about calling and/or texting also he frequently texts me throughout the day. It helps but he could still be doing it...I don't completely trust him.

What is your H doing to rebuild that trust?
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Old 03-31-2009, 05:42 PM   #12 (permalink)
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AZMOMOFTWO I'm happy to see that someone finally understands that moving isn't always possible when you'd like it to happen.

I did tell my H again yesterday about our communication problem. He knows I still want to talk about the A and he says he has other issues to deal with at the moment. His cholesterol is very high and is to be taking medication but won't do it. I tried telling him that keeping things inside will only add to the cholesterol problem that he needs to talk about things. He started to open up only a little about issues with his son from a previous relationship. His son had contacted him just last month and they didn't have much contact prior to that.

I feel bad wanting answers about the A when he's dealing with other issues but how long do I have to wait? I'm ALWAYS waiting and not getting. I'm put on the back burner.

I had asked him about one of the women he has children with but he says that doesn't pertain to me that I don't need to know anything. I realize they will probably never see each other as they are on different continents but still why can't I know how long the realationsip was?? why did it end?? He just says I don't ask you about your X husband.

I feel like so what??? Just tell me whatever I want to know. This is from a man that has never once asked me how my day was. If it was up to him we'd probably never talk about anything important. Of course, that's how I lived for the past 17 years but I'm getting REALLY tired of it now.

He had left home at a early age and has no contact with his family. They know where we live and I use to send his mother Christmas cards with the kids pictures but never got anything from her so I stopped sending things years ago... This is the type of family he comes from.
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Old 04-03-2009, 11:12 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I feel bad wanting answers about the A when he's dealing with other issues but how long do I have to wait? I'm ALWAYS waiting and not getting. I'm put on the back burner.

I had asked him about one of the women he has children with but he says that doesn't pertain to me that I don't need to know anything. I realize they will probably never see each other as they are on different continents but still why can't I know how long the realationsip was?? why did it end?? He just says I don't ask you about your X husband.

I feel like so what??? Just tell me whatever I want to know. This is from a man that has never once asked me how my day was. If it was up to him we'd probably never talk about anything important. Of course, that's how I lived for the past 17 years but I'm getting REALLY tired of it now.
This is not a good sign. I guess he can say that you knew what kind of person he was when you met him (not good with communication) but you also have a right to decide its no longer enough...

My H was not a good communiator. He doesn't have ex-wives or children from other marriages and I've known him since we were kids so I know all about him and knew who his ex-girlfriends were. He also was interested in hearing about my day. In other words we had and still have a great friendship. I knew he had a big flaw, he is an avoider. If its confrontational, he'll avoid. I accepted him as he was.

It was fine for many many years. Of course that meant I have the burden of finances, taxes, and tough decisions. He avoids and is happy to let me decide. From day 1 "here is my paycheck..." always willing to work hard and contribute but don't make him manage bills. Then when life got a little stagnant and stressful he cheated. He could have communicated these issues but he avoided until he had a full blown affair. I confronted, he avoided. In fact he left in the middle of the night because I confronted him when he went to a strip bar with the neighbor and his wife and the OW. That's a date! No its a drink with a buddy and the girls jumped in the car. He got irate with me and left. Guess who stayed home with the kids, held them while they cried because they didn't understand...

So now its not good enough. I won't fall in to a repeat pattern. I won't allow him to treat me and our children this way. So upon reconciliation when he said "I want what we had" I said I don't! If that's all you have to give, then I don't want to be a part of your life. Wow! When did I learn to do that he wondered I explained how I wanted a partner and not someone like he was. He'd have to grow up and be a better husband. Pretty harsh huh?

So can he? I don't know. I know he is trying. As hard as it is though, he does communicate. It was hard at first, he got angry when I brought up the A. Then our counselor said he was avoiding again and its because he was ashamed so he'd better face it because he is the one who made me feel that way. He did a turnaround at that point, and I have to say if he hadn't I would have left him. I refuse to not be allowed to talk about it. I don't ever throw it in his face..that was in the beginning when I had anger...now its calm discussion at the right moments. Sometime I don't want to talk about it and he knows something is wrong he has started to ask and has supported me.

So I'm not telling you what to do but I just don't think its possible to get past this with how he is handling it and I'm sorry he's just making excuses. Its like you don't want to bother him with the pain you feel. Excuse me, he's the one who caused it and he's asking you to make a huge leap of faith to trust him again. In your shoes I would tell him that in order to have a happy marriage you do have to put this behind you but you aren't being allowed to do that. Its going to be tough but you can work through it together. If he won't accept that then you have a decision to make.
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Old 04-05-2009, 09:04 AM   #14 (permalink)
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he said "I want what we had" I said I don't!
Amazing - I so agree. I remember telling my wife this. I was unwilling to accept what we had. I told her it had to be spectacular. At the time, I couldn't even explain what I wanted.
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