<sigh> I don't understand this place. I am VERY confident it only happened the one time, made her feel terrible, and it never happened again. I don't see how that is not a possible or even plausible scenario.
It was like this: Wife gets a job managing this store. Her assistant manager is a gay guy who threatened to quit the day she came to work because he was worried about his own job security after seeing the previous manager get fired. Wife convinced this coworker of hers that if he stuck around and got to know her, he might actually enjoy working for her. As the next few days pass, wife tried to encourage her assistant to stay by "being cool" with him. This encourages her assistant manager to talk openly to her about his gay-ness and how attractive he finds a lot of the guys that come into the store. He has worked there for years and knows the beer guy fairly well.
Beer guy, who usually only came in once a week to do the orders, starts coming in every morning to buy a redbull and something for breakfast. Wife does not realize he is doing so because he is attracted to my wife. She also finds him attractive, but neither one of them talk about it to each other. One day, my wife tells her assistant manager (during one of their "look at that cute guy" sessions) that she thinks the beer guy is cute. This is the only guy she has said is cute to her assistant manager. To rib her a bit and make her feel uncomfortable (for fun), assistant manager goes up to beer guy and says he can hook beer guy up with my wife. This is when assistant manager finds out that beer guy also thinks my wife is attractive. He tells assistant manager that he likes my wife, but he thinks she is "happily married."
Assistant manager goes back to my wife and tells her that the beer guy also likes her. This gets my wife excited, and she starts thinking about it. She begins to come home and initiate sex with me on a daily basis. Finally, beer guy -- deciding to give it a shot -- approaches my wife and asks her if she would like to hook up. She says, "I's like to talk about it first, but yes." He says "Great", gives her his number, and leaves. She calls him later to talk about it -- tells him that she loves her husband and doesn't want anything to develop between her and beer guy other than just sex. Beer guy tells her he understands, he's been married for 10 years and has never done anything like this himself, but has been attracted to wife since the first day she started working there. They don't make any definite plans to hook up, only they talk about how people know his van and would know if it was where it wasn't supposed to be. That was on a Friday.
On Monday, beer guy comes into the store and -- you know the story. After Monday, my wife gets really depressed -- then tells me what happened a few weeks later.
It seems possible AND plausible that this is how it went down. I don't understand why practically everyone here is thinking she must have been boning her assistant manager, too, and that she must have done beer guy more than once. According to wife, beer guy also felt bad about it and called off any more "encounters" with her before my wife had a chance to (which she was going to do when she approached him the Friday after the event).
Is it not possible ... has it not EVER happened ... that two married people learn of their mutual crushes on each other and get caught up in some fantasy that turned out not to be what they fantasized about? And they feel horrible afterwards? I think it happens quite a bit.
As for my attitude -- yes. I may have been ice cold and overly-confident in my role in my marriage before this affair. My wife had always told me that the thought of me being with another woman made her physically sick, and when she caught me browsing porn on the internet (more than once), her ego was destroyed wondering why I would look at other women when she was right there. I could not honestly tell her that I had ever been sexually aroused by another woman. I thought that maybe there was something wrong with me -- for finding other women attractive when my wife had convinced me she only had eyes for me. I didn't want to hurt her again by telling her that just because I am married does not mean I am blind.
My wife was equally surprised by her physical reaction to this beer guy. The whole situation she got caught up in, coupled with my aloof demeanor and unwillingness to be emotionally open to her -- it almost seems like she HAD to do what she did. And, in all honesty, I believe that her having this affair has really opened my eyes to the way I treated her and is forcing me to get back in touch with my feelings towards her and to express them to her regularly.
Of course, it does bother me that -- even though I, too, have been propositioned by other women at times, I never acted on them. I could not ruin my marriage like that. And it hurts to know that my wife did not give me the same consideration before she went through with it herself.
As for the OM's wife -- that is a really touchy situation. I agree that she needs to know what he did. But at this stage in the game, I am more concerned with repairing my own relationship rather than having to get involved in somebody else's. If he chooses to tell his wife, great. If not -- great. I really don't care either way. I want nothing to do with him or his family. Besides, I don't want to do anything that could get my wife fired for what she did.
You might be right. I don't know his last name. Don't know if my wife knows his last name. I don't know how his wife would react -- I don't want his wife storming into my wife's job and causing all sorts of havoc with her which might ultimately get her fired if (and when) her company finds out what she did while "on the clock."
Trust me. I want him to hurt as badly as I am hurting. I am just unsure exactly how wise my getting his wife involved would be.
As for the OM's wife -- that is a really touchy situation. I agree that she needs to know what he did. But at this stage in the game, I am more concerned with repairing my own relationship rather than having to get involved in somebody else's. If he chooses to tell his wife, great. If not -- great. I really don't care either way. I want nothing to do with him or his family. Besides, I don't want to do anything that could get my wife fired for what she did.
you say you dont get us, well I dont get you
Your wife sees OM all the time and even IF she is being true and OM is avoiding her it will destroy your sense of security somewhere down the line and thus ruin your hopes of saving the marriage
trust me on this
I've been exactly where you were, I thought I could trust my wife again so shortly after Dday and she worked with OM as well
IT NEARLY KILLED ME
the paranoia you will soon get is bad enough, just imagine knowing she has contact almost daily with OM and can easily do more things undetected and unverifiable by you
Your best hope to save the marriage is to definitely kill any possibility of the affair still lingering by exposing to OM's wife and have your wife find another job ASAP
the 5 "rules" I posted prior will help repair the marriage, you need your wife to start working her butt off to save the marriage and help you heal
you cannot do it alone by merely being a super great husband
you can listen to the years of experience that I have now or not, your choice
but I have seen so many cases just like yours over and over again and they all have the same patterns, the same ways BS's react and the same themes, each and every one of them
You might be right. I don't know his last name. Don't know if my wife knows his last name. I don't know how his wife would react -- I don't want his wife storming into my wife's job and causing all sorts of havoc with her which might ultimately get her fired if (and when) her company finds out what she did while "on the clock."
Trust me. I want him to hurt as badly as I am hurting. I am just unsure exactly how wise my getting his wife involved would be.
Your reasoning not to tell the OM's wife can be found in the BS fear script. Have no doubt you are making excuses not to tell his wife. Stop; call his wife and let her know the truth and let the chips fall .
Your marriage can be secured if the OM is forced to keep his distance Posted via Mobile Device
<sigh> I don't understand this place. I am VERY confident it only happened the one time, made her feel terrible, and it never happened again. I don't see how that is not a possible or even plausible scenario.
It was like this: Wife gets a job managing this store. Her assistant manager is a gay guy who threatened to quit the day she came to work because he was worried about his own job security after seeing the previous manager get fired. Wife convinced this coworker of hers that if he stuck around and got to know her, he might actually enjoy working for her. As the next few days pass, wife tried to encourage her assistant to stay by "being cool" with him. This encourages her assistant manager to talk openly to her about his gay-ness and how attractive he finds a lot of the guys that come into the store. He has worked there for years and knows the beer guy fairly well.
Beer guy, who usually only came in once a week to do the orders, starts coming in every morning to buy a redbull and something for breakfast. Wife does not realize he is doing so because he is attracted to my wife. She also finds him attractive, but neither one of them talk about it to each other. One day, my wife tells her assistant manager (during one of their "look at that cute guy" sessions) that she thinks the beer guy is cute. This is the only guy she has said is cute to her assistant manager. To rib her a bit and make her feel uncomfortable (for fun), assistant manager goes up to beer guy and says he can hook beer guy up with my wife. This is when assistant manager finds out that beer guy also thinks my wife is attractive. He tells assistant manager that he likes my wife, but he thinks she is "happily married."
Assistant manager goes back to my wife and tells her that the beer guy also likes her. This gets my wife excited, and she starts thinking about it. She begins to come home and initiate sex with me on a daily basis. Finally, beer guy -- deciding to give it a shot -- approaches my wife and asks her if she would like to hook up. She says, "I's like to talk about it first, but yes." He says "Great", gives her his number, and leaves. She calls him later to talk about it -- tells him that she loves her husband and doesn't want anything to develop between her and beer guy other than just sex. Beer guy tells her he understands, he's been married for 10 years and has never done anything like this himself, but has been attracted to wife since the first day she started working there. They don't make any definite plans to hook up, only they talk about how people know his van and would know if it was where it wasn't supposed to be. That was on a Friday.
On Monday, beer guy comes into the store and -- you know the story. After Monday, my wife gets really depressed -- then tells me what happened a few weeks later.
It seems possible AND plausible that this is how it went down. I don't understand why practically everyone here is thinking she must have been boning her assistant manager, too, and that she must have done beer guy more than once. According to wife, beer guy also felt bad about it and called off any more "encounters" with her before my wife had a chance to (which she was going to do when she approached him the Friday after the event).
Is it not possible ... has it not EVER happened ... that two married people learn of their mutual crushes on each other and get caught up in some fantasy that turned out not to be what they fantasized about? And they feel horrible afterwards? I think it happens quite a bit.
As for my attitude -- yes. I may have been ice cold and overly-confident in my role in my marriage before this affair. My wife had always told me that the thought of me being with another woman made her physically sick, and when she caught me browsing porn on the internet (more than once), her ego was destroyed wondering why I would look at other women when she was right there. I could not honestly tell her that I had ever been sexually aroused by another woman. I thought that maybe there was something wrong with me -- for finding other women attractive when my wife had convinced me she only had eyes for me. I didn't want to hurt her again by telling her that just because I am married does not mean I am blind.
My wife was equally surprised by her physical reaction to this beer guy. The whole situation she got caught up in, coupled with my aloof demeanor and unwillingness to be emotionally open to her -- it almost seems like she HAD to do what she did. And, in all honesty, I believe that her having this affair has really opened my eyes to the way I treated her and is forcing me to get back in touch with my feelings towards her and to express them to her regularly.
Of course, it does bother me that -- even though I, too, have been propositioned by other women at times, I never acted on them. I could not ruin my marriage like that. And it hurts to know that my wife did not give me the same consideration before she went through with it herself.
As for the OM's wife -- that is a really touchy situation. I agree that she needs to know what he did. But at this stage in the game, I am more concerned with repairing my own relationship rather than having to get involved in somebody else's. If he chooses to tell his wife, great. If not -- great. I really don't care either way. I want nothing to do with him or his family. Besides, I don't want to do anything that could get my wife fired for what she did.
Hey, if thats good enough for you... then great. It seems you came here asking for unbiased advice, and to an unbiased rational outsider, your wife's behavior is absolutely unacceptable and it certainly doesn't appear to be a one-time thing. I'm not married, but if I were, and my wife decided to blow the beer guy in the closet, I already know that would be the end of our marriage. It seems like you really want to believe it was a one-time thing, so we'll just leave it at that.
Its your relationship, and if you choose to forgive her, and believe its a one time thing, then great! We certainly hope it was, and that you can have a great marriage.
I've been exactly where you were, I thought I could trust my wife again so shortly after Dday and she worked with OM as well
IT NEARLY KILLED ME
the paranoia you will soon get is bad enough, just imagine knowing she has contact almost daily with OM and can easily do more things undetected and unverifiable by you
Your best hope to save the marriage is to definitely kill any possibility of the affair still lingering by exposing to OM's wife and have your wife find another job ASAP
The paranoia when they go to work every day is the worst in the world. It never gets any better. Or when you think everything is fine, something goes back to being peculiar...
Please listen to the advice on this thread. You do not want to be where I am right now 5yrs into R...ugh
And where did coworker get this idea? She's done this more than once and everybody knows about it. Think about it. Hell, she might have even banged this coworker by the brazen way he suggested it to OM.
Really? Some people just know when a co-worker has the hots for a colleague. "Gosh. He/she is so cute" is all that needs to be said for some stuff to get started...
The co-worker is a marriage wrecking POS, in my opinion.
I wish you and your wife and your daughter the very best for your future/s.
I think you need couples counselling.
The co-worker is not the problem. The problem was already there in your marriage before the co-worker came into the picture. If she were happily married, there would be no reason for her to blow the beer guy. By the way, I hope you force her to get an STD test.
The co-worker is not the problem. The problem was already there in your marriage before the co-worker came into the picture. If she were happily married, there would be no reason for her to blow the beer guy. By the way, I hope you force her to get an STD test.
I can remember something similar happening at a place I worked at. A female co-worker set up a tryst between two colleagues and wondered why the whole thing blew up in her stupid face.
The reason you are exasperated with us is because we find it deplorable and also a little hard to believe that someone would risk their job, spouse and family for a one time f**k. It is almost always an affair.
And by the way, if it was only one time and there was no affair? I would be even MORE concerned (not less concerned) that my spouse was so easily able to blow someone off at work.
But as another poster said, if this is ok and you believe her, then why are you here? Go and enjoy your marriage!
Definitely seek a marriage counselor. Definitely ask her to start sending out resumes to other places. Definitely get tested. Definitely stand up for yourself.
So other than telling people that she decided to cheat , and went ahead and did it your wife hasn't had to do anything different in her life or behavior? She says My Bad and just goes back to work, back to hanging with the scum bag coworker that encouraged her and set it up, and back to the job where she gets to see the OM on a daily basis.
Sounds like she really leaned her lesson, which is she can choose to cheat, heck it wasn't even a drunken mistake, and nothing bad happens. Nothing. And she won't do it again with him or some other guy because???
First, take care of the OM and contact his wife. Use his contact info your wife has for him to track down his name and the rest of it. Don't warn your wife you are doing this.
Btw. OM no doubt has bragged to hs coworkers about nailing your wife, so I bet word has already gotten around to other drivers that she's available and willing. Guys like that love to brag about stuff like that. Your wife is well known by now. Posted via Mobile Device
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Re: My fault?? 
