I can't lie here beside you, because you steal my soul when you are near.
I hope I can write my emotions in the way they feel inside me currently. We are trying to repair the damage caused by his EA and his general computer addiction. It's a bundled mess.
But this is more about me, the pain of feeling that our marriage bond has been diluted. It sneaks up on you, in the most unexpected ways. I'm tainted, spoiled, less than before. My position is weakened and his EA put him at a "advantage" because he found "love" outside of our relationship and I feel perpetually vunerable that he could do it again if it came so easy this time.
I always thought that to love another while in a relationship would be this epic battle of angel and devil yet for him it was really easy to push his vows aside and dive right into it. He described it as a torturous double life but it doesn't feel that way to me.
Today we were cuddling, birds were singing and then his eyes drifted away, we were silent. I finally asked him what he was thinking about and he just shook his head, so I don't know but feel he was thinking about her. She still haunts our marriage in small ways. I'm still haunted by his lingering feelings for her (frozen in time)
In that moment, I felt incredible sadness and wanted to just give up on us. Can we ever reach that mountain top and put it behind us?
How are we (BS)supposed to manage the pain of knowing they reflect on the AP- It's doing something to me way down deep in soul. I'm feeling erased somehow. Watching your spouse mourn the loss of another is the worst feeling ever.
Sorry if my thoughts seem jumbled but I don't know how to repair this psychological damage his EA has caused me.
Re: I can't lie here beside you, because you steal my soul when you are near.
Well - there are certainly people who cheat who I believe it is not a torturous double life for but I'm not one of them. I know it doesn't do anything to ease your pain or make it better but based strictly on my experience - my online based EA - I can tell you that when he tells you it was a torturous double life he is very likely telling you the truth. Doesn't change what he did, but if his was like mine there was a lot of pain involved even while it was going on.
Re: I can't lie here beside you, because you steal my soul when you are near.
Hugs to you.
I understand what you are going through.
My H and i are also in R and we are doing really well, but every know and again i just feel incredibly sad. Sad that this thing he has done has changed us for ever. Sad that i will never be completely free to love him the way i used too.
But he also has sadness. Sadness that he did this to our marriage and sadness that he hurt me so much.
As Lord Mayhem said, this is the club no one wants to be in, but we are all here to help each other
Hugs
DG
xx
Re: I can't lie here beside you, because you steal my soul when you are near.
We are both in counseling and have been since February- individual and joint. No matter how much space gets between us and d-day, I know it's a traumatic experience that I will carry for as long as I breath perhaps pass the point where it becomes dusty for him.
The worst part is that it's a struggle and pain that I can't share with him anymore because he can't relate to these types of wounds. Yes he can feel remorse, guilt, relief etc but unless you have been on the receiving end of this type of betrayal- when you've been made to feel replaceable and forgettable, it cuts to the deepest center of your identity.
You don't know what is real anymore and everything you thought you knew and had changes into grains of sand that slip through your fingers. Nothing feels solid and safe.
Thank you for all the insight, it helps ease my loneliness and uncertainity.
Re: I can't lie here beside you, because you steal my soul when you are near.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LostWifeCrushed
You are not diminished by exhibiting loyalty and faith in someone. Your heart is just on on guard now, trying to protect you.
How long have you been married? How did you find out?
Married 12 years, two kids. It's really sort of odd how I found out. Looking back I'm sure I picked up on subtle clues but it happened so fast. He was sitting on the couch and I walked up to him to show him something and he quickly minimized a window on his laptop and I jokingly said, " are you chatting with a woman?" which he denied, then he went upstairs to tuck the boys in bed ( meanwhile he was deleting evidence) which I didn't even think about. When he came down he avoided me, so I pounced. He confessed it all ( long distance online EA of two weeks, so rather quick event over all).
One minute I'm oblivious and the next it all came crashing down. Like a car accident I suppose.
* I don't want to minimize that the shortness of his EA meant it was less threatening because HE felt he was deeply, madly in love with her...... and that was the biggest threat to our marriage, he was neck deep in the fog and it was beyond powerful- so I treat it as such.
Re: I can't lie here beside you, because you steal my soul when you are near.
If he remains true to you and shows it and proves it then in time things will heal for you. It is a process and each person processes it in their own time. One day you may wake up and say it is a beautiful day and the pain may come back from time to time but it will become less and less.
__________________
This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”
Re: I can't lie here beside you, because you steal my soul when you are near.
Quote:
Originally Posted by daggeredheart
Married 12 years, two kids. It's really sort of odd how I found out. Looking back I'm sure I picked up on subtle clues but it happened so fast. He was sitting on the couch and I walked up to him to show him something and he quickly minimized a window on his laptop and I jokingly said, " are you chatting with a woman?" which he denied, then he went upstairs to tuck the boys in bed ( meanwhile he was deleting evidence) which I didn't even think about. When he came down he avoided me, so I pounced. He confessed it all ( long distance online EA of two weeks, so rather quick event over all).
One minute I'm oblivious and the next it all came crashing down. Like a car accident I suppose.
Amazingly similar to how my EA came to light. You can get through this. My wife and I are very successfully reconciling. There's a link to my story in my signature, you may find some insight in it as to what your H is dealing with. My wife is also here on TAM although not very active. Her screen name is better than before.
Re: I can't lie here beside you, because you steal my soul when you are near.
I feel for you because your emotions sound like mine, they are so similar, thank you for sharing because it makes me feel less crazy. This is so hard, I want it to stop.
Re: I can't lie here beside you, because you steal my soul when you are near.
Quote:
Originally Posted by daggeredheart
Married 12 years, two kids. It's really sort of odd how I found out. Looking back I'm sure I picked up on subtle clues but it happened so fast. He was sitting on the couch and I walked up to him to show him something and he quickly minimized a window on his laptop and I jokingly said, " are you chatting with a woman?" which he denied, then he went upstairs to tuck the boys in bed ( meanwhile he was deleting evidence) which I didn't even think about. When he came down he avoided me, so I pounced. He confessed it all ( long distance online EA of two weeks, so rather quick event over all).
One minute I'm oblivious and the next it all came crashing down. Like a car accident I suppose.
* I don't want to minimize that the shortness of his EA meant it was less threatening because HE felt he was deeply, madly in love with her...... and that was the biggest threat to our marriage, he was neck deep in the fog and it was beyond powerful- so I treat it as such.
Oh My Gosh, DH, you must have been crushed.
It was only 2 weeks long? How do you know that for sure?
Re: I can't lie here beside you, because you steal my soul when you are near.
Well, he knew her online for a month, during the game they were playing but it turned "romantic" and really intense for two weeks. They were chatting round the clock, while he was at work etc....I just thought (stupidly) that he was playing that game obsessively. He's always been a night owl, so I thought nothing of him staying up past me. I foolishly thought he was begin so considerate to stay downstairs on his game so as to "not keep me up" with his computer light.....funny how we can be so trusting
it's only in hindsight that we put all the pieces together. Another odd thing, he decided to exercise to get in shape ( about two days before I busted him) ....even thought the odds of meeting her ( she lived overseas) were very slim, yet he had hopes of meeting her so he was trying to look better. She was a young college student etc.
Even when I busted him and asked him to leave the house, he was entertaining the serious thoughts of leaving me and the boys to "wait" it out for her till they could meet in a year or so.
He said that he never doubted his love for me but questioned the "strength" of that love......that part haunts me too. He didn't know if the life he had was what he wanted.
I wonder if he will always question that.
*Sigma* I've read your story and your experience has been so helpful to me...the way your write reminds me so much of my spouse and your story is perhaps the closest to his experience. Your sharing of your perspective helps me a great deal in understanding what he goes through. Especially the thread you started a year ago about the OW still haunting you. I think you described it as a yard sign or scar?
Re: I can't lie here beside you, because you steal my soul when you are near.
Quote:
Originally Posted by daggeredheart
Well, he knew her online for a month, during the game they were playing but it turned "romantic" and really intense for two weeks. They were chatting round the clock, while he was at work etc....I just thought (stupidly) that he was playing that game obsessively. He's always been a night owl, so I thought nothing of him staying up past me. I foolishly thought he was begin so considerate to stay downstairs on his game so as to "not keep me up" with his computer light.....funny how we can be so trusting
it's only in hindsight that we put all the pieces together. Another odd thing, he decided to exercise to get in shape ( about two days before I busted him) ....even thought the odds of meeting her ( she lived overseas) were very slim, yet he had hopes of meeting her so he was trying to look better. She was a young college student etc.
Even when I busted him and asked him to leave the house, he was entertaining the serious thoughts of leaving me and the boys to "wait" it out for her till they could meet in a year or so.
He said that he never doubted his love for me but questioned the "strength" of that love......that part haunts me too. He didn't know if the life he had was what he wanted.
I wonder if he will always question that.
*Sigma* I've read your story and your experience has been so helpful to me...the way your write reminds me so much of my spouse and your story is perhaps the closest to his experience. Your sharing of your perspective helps me a great deal in understanding what he goes through. Especially the thread you started a year ago about the OW still haunting you. I think you described it as a yard sign or scar?
Yes funny how you can trust implicently prior and then after every little thing sends your mind in a tizzy.
H after DD#2 6 weeks ago tries and tells me nothing is going on...yet those words were spoken for 6 months and I believed him after DD#1...surprising how I find it hard to believe him now. Sometimes I wonder if there is too much damage done to ever have my marriage work....this is somebody I thought would never hurt me..(been together 24 years..since I was 19) and now I look at him and know that yes he could hurt me. Plus the fear of it happening again..it is such a terrible feeling I find it hard to not be on guard all the time...
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I can't lie here beside you, because you steal my soul when you are near. 
