Why not simply ask her "Are you sure there can never be R between us?" and if she answers with "I told you before, there can never be R between us" then say "I understand, I'll contact an attorney to file divorce papers".
Most divorces don't happen automatically and may take months - even a year or more depending on where you live - before they are finalized. She'll have plenty of time to decide what she wants before that happens.
Why not simply ask her "Are you sure there can never be R between us?" and if she answers with "I told you before, there can never be R between us" then say "I understand, I'll contact an attorney to file divorce papers".
Most divorces don't happen automatically and may take months - even a year or more depending on where you live - before they are finalized. She'll have plenty of time to decide what she wants before that happens.
I kind of discussed this a bit. I don't have a problem right now with her going out and gaining her own experiences. I just don't want her to fall in love with someone else. But, as for sex...if she needs to go out and do that with someone else, then I am all for it.
I feel like the marriage is over. She feels like the marriage is over. We both feel like there is enough of a bond between us to attempt to date again and reconnect. It will be a new marriage though. She will never trust me again, at least never the way she did, and I understand that.
I am certainly remorseful, and I have been trying to do the heavy lifting. There is still a lot bouncing around in my head about what I want for my future too...nothing is set in stone here. Barely one month past D-Day, I would say that everything is still really fresh on our minds...
Okay. I do think she needs to stop the emotional affair though, at this point.
Mori's advice was good. Ask her to stop now. She had her chance to howl, and to show you how it feels to feel insecure about another person.
You can file and it may take awhile. That may push her either way though. She may work on things more seriously or she may divorce.
That is the fear. I don't want to push her away. I want to keep her as close as possible. Hense the reason I helped pick out the apartment, made sure she was safe. I paid the first month of rent so I knew she had a buffer of cash in her account...all these things I have done to try to keep her close to me, and help me know that she is ok.
If I tell her I am filing for divorce, that will most certainly push her away. That would be the beginning of the very end.
You just said you both think the marriage is over. I am confused. Which is it?
I honestly don't even know!
It is over. There I said it. The marriage ended on May 6th, 2012. What I don't want to do is permanently shut the door on the possibility that she will be mine again. I feel like filing for divorce 4 weeks after D-Day would do that. She needs some time to figure out what is right for her. When her mind is more clear, all I can do is hope that I am the person she feels she would be most happy with for the rest of her life.
This whole situation screws up how you think. I am convinced that this has affected my ability to think clearly and rationally about things...It is going to take a lot of time I think before getting back to some amount of "normal".
If he wants this he has to be willing to take as much as he can possibly handle.
It`s way too soon for him to be dropping D papers and the act wouldn`t be smart coming from the WS that wanted to reconcile.
He essentially has to keep on as close as he can to her while letting her go as much as he can.
After whatever amount of time it takes for BarnOwl to realize he`s wasting time or she comes back.
So ARE you committed to trying to R? Notice I said TRYING. Is she? I know it's early, but you guys should be thinking about this now in order to take the next step. If you're both waffling and she goes out and screws someone else and/or has an EA (which it appears she is) then you're doomed.
If he wants this he has to be willing to take as much as he can possibly handle.
It`s way too soon for him to be dropping D papers and the act wouldn`t be smart coming from the WS that wanted to reconcile.
He essentially has to keep on as close as he can to her while letting her go as much as he can.
After whatever amount of time it takes for BarnOwl to realize he`s wasting time or she comes back.
It`s really his only option.
Sorry BarnOwl
This feels like one of those, "the truth hurts" moments. You are exactly right. I told her this morning that I feel like I am walking a fine line between finding comfort in her new apartment, and setting up shop, while at the same time providing her with space.
I am committed to at least 6 months. If after 6 months I feel like I am wasting my time, or she is wasting her time, then I think we can call it quits. 4 weeks in is way too early to make a call one way or another...
So ARE you committed to trying to R? Notice I said TRYING. Is she? I know it's early, but you guys should be thinking about this now in order to take the next step. If you're both waffling and she goes out and screws someone else and/or has an EA (which it appears she is) then you're doomed.
We are both trying. I mean, we have regular counseling together. I talk to her everyday. I see her everyday still. We went on a really fun date last night which included something we have never done together as well as a new restaurant...(I am really pushing this new beginnings thing). So I do definitely feel like we are both trying. She says hopeful things, but I know that this has absolutely wrecked her in so many ways, that I try not to be too demanding of answers from her. At least not at this point.
I did tell her that if are going to make this work in any real sense then the contact between her and the EA man will need to stop. We have not really discussed that further.
What happens is she feels like I am blame shifting, and down playing my infidelity. We have fought about her texting this other guy (who really is her friend) instead of discussing the fact that I cheated. It is a really weird place to be both the person who destroyed the marriage, and at the same time be insanely jealous of my wife literally just talking to another man.
Maybe I need to talk to the other guy and let him know that my intentions are to fully work towards being with my wife, and if he undermines that in any way, then we may have problems, lol.
There goes the stupid jealous boy thoughts...I can't help it!
I think that you have your head screwed on very well for someone going through this at this stage
I am trying to imagine what I would have thought if, in my situation where I kicked my hubby out on D day, I had started to have a revenge affair and he demanded I stop. I think it would have shown me the level of his commitment, and it would have been a positive mark for him. If you DON'T demand she stop the EA, you're sending a message that you don't care what she does. At least, if I was her, that would be the message I got.
Good call. Thanks for that. I need to hear that. Now, here is the question. She told me that in light of my actions, she has a hard time seeing how she is doing anything wrong. She agrees that I see it as an emotional relationship she is forming, but she does not feel wrong about it.
Should my demanding it stop be conditioned on anything? Or do I just tell her how I feel, and let the chips fall where they may?
Also, she works with this guy, so a no contact is never going to happen. I guess I could attempt to get the texts, calls, and visits to stop. Other than one time, she has always been with this guy with a group of friends. I don't mind that as much, but the one on one is not going anywhere positive in my mind...
But as the cheater in this relationship. I feel like any demands I place on her put me on very rocky ground...I just don't want it to get too far between her and him.
But, as you can see, this topic has a way of overshadowing the fact that I cheated. Already we have spent nearly a page on my wifes potential EA via a few text messages...I am really not trying to shift blame, or move past my own infidelity, but this is a stiky issue for me for sure.
That is the fear. I don't want to push her away. I want to keep her as close as possible. Hense the reason I helped pick out the apartment, made sure she was safe. I paid the first month of rent so I knew she had a buffer of cash in her account...all these things I have done to try to keep her close to me, and help me know that she is ok.
If I tell her I am filing for divorce, that will most certainly push her away. That would be the beginning of the very end.
Barnowl:
It's too soon, IMO, to file for divorce. Take your time. What's the rush.
Right now you sound too confused to make a rational competent decision.
Slooooow down. Take one day at a time.
Reconcilation apparently is possible. There is an entire board here devoted to it and sigma and others have a good R.
No one can give you a firm answer though.
You need to take a leap of faith.
Your wife if she will R is taking a leap of faith that you will never cheat.
So, can you take a leap of faith to wait and see if things work out?
Good call. Thanks for that. I need to hear that. Now, here is the question. She told me that in light of my actions, she has a hard time seeing how she is doing anything wrong. She agrees that I see it as an emotional relationship she is forming, but she does not feel wrong about it.
Should my demanding it stop be conditioned on anything? Or do I just tell her how I feel, and let the chips fall where they may?
Also, she works with this guy, so a no contact is never going to happen. I guess I could attempt to get the texts, calls, and visits to stop. Other than one time, she has always been with this guy with a group of friends. I don't mind that as much, but the one on one is not going anywhere positive in my mind...
But as the cheater in this relationship. I feel like any demands I place on her put me on very rocky ground...I just don't want it to get too far between her and him.
But, as you can see, this topic has a way of overshadowing the fact that I cheated. Already we have spent nearly a page on my wifes potential EA via a few text messages...I am really not trying to shift blame, or move past my own infidelity, but this is a stiky issue for me for sure.
It is a tough spot. Sorry.
I do think you can't demand she stop talking to him about personal stuff, but you can ask her to.
Can you get her to an MC, a different one. Most will say the EA now for her is unhealthy. Find one who disapproves of the EA
Is MC informed about her .... let's say ''special friendship''? I don't get it at all. It's insane. Every MC know you are not to be ibn competition with a new man. Many MC refuses clients engaged actively in affiars or behaviors which go against the mere porpose of rebuiding a marriage (or building a new one, it's actually semantics).Whatever effort you put on winning her back won't go though her. Ever. You have baggage, a long story together full of misunderstanding, resentments... you name the issues plus you infidelity. You can't compete with the newness, the exitement. If a woman shift the focus of her atention and leave another met her emotional needs you have ZERO chances.
ETA
I don't tell you to file but in the next MC session you should tell you can't woe her while she's ''dating'' OM. She will lose any inch of respect she have left for you and you will have no chances at all. You can love her to pieces but you can be reduced to buy her the condoms with a smile.
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Re: A cheater's perspective - 4 weeks past D-Day 
