I have been keeping my distance and letting her control the level of communication. Her mom told her that she feels the marriage is worth saving. That feels like a huge blessing from her, and I was very thankful to my mother-in-law for saying that. The lines of communication are still open, but I am not being as pushy. We may be going to dinner tonight. Just trying to keep things on her timeframe and let her decide what she feels comfortable with in spending time with me. It is hard to be hands-off, but I think it is for the best.
I have been keeping my distance and letting her control the level of communication. Her mom told her that she feels the marriage is worth saving. That feels like a huge blessing from her, and I was very thankful to my mother-in-law for saying that. The lines of communication are still open, but I am not being as pushy. We may be going to dinner tonight. Just trying to keep things on her timeframe and let her decide what she feels comfortable with in spending time with me. It is hard to be hands-off, but I think it is for the best.
I think as long as she keeps communicating, what you are doing will give her a sense of "control"...but in a good way. Like she can feel that you aren't begging for her but that you are respecting her emotions.
Exactly what I am going for. Not "going dark" on her, or moving on, or even letting her go, but rather giving her the control in the communication department. It feels like all I can do.
I certainly created my own hell. And I am not certain she will come back either.
We are definitely in some alternative universe and not in the "friend zone". I don't want to end up in the friend zone, and she told me that given our long hitory if she is going to leave then we will not be friends because it would be too hard. We are in a transition right now. Not sure to where, but it will eventually be to a better place.
Counseling last night was not good. It was actually the first session we have had where we didn't both leave feeling better.
The counselor talked a lot about the "why" question. Why would I cheat, and what led me to cheating. I told her honestly how I felt. I did not offer justifications. I led out with the fact that I am a very selfish person, but I also told her that I resented being turned down for physical affection months at a time. I met my physical need in the wrong way not thinking that anything in our marriage would change, instead of working on the marriage. I own that. I own that choice, and I am working through that with the counselor and with my wife.
My wife did not like that answer at all. She felt blamed for my cheating, which is not what I said at all, but it is how she will forevor take those words...I have seen it on this site time and time again. The cheating is 100% my fault, but the problems in the marriage are 50/50. I don't think she will ever admit to being 50% of the problem in our marriage. I don't think we will be able to rebuild anything if she can't at least say that our physical side of the marriage was terrible. I am willing to admit that I was emotionally detached from her. I own my 50% of the marriage problems, and the 100% of the cheating...she needs to step up to the plate here a bit if she wants anything to work out for us.
We both left couseling last night feeling that things were pretty much over, and we went home to separate houses, separate beds, and hardly even said good night on the shortest phone call on record in our marriage. She felt entirely blamed for the infidelity, and I feel like she will never accept that we both are at fault for problems in the marriage. She does not want to admit that not having sex with her husband for literally months on end was a problem in the marriage...I don't get it. I probably don't get it because I am the cheater, and I see things differently. Who knows.
Things kind of feel like they are at a stand still. Not really sure where to go from here.
Counseling last night was not good. It was actually the first session we have had where we didn't both leave feeling better.
The counselor talked a lot about the "why" question. Why would I cheat, and what led me to cheating. I told her honestly how I felt. I did not offer justifications. I led out with the fact that I am a very selfish person, but I also told her that I resented being turned down for physical affection months at a time. I met my physical need in the wrong way not thinking that anything in our marriage would change, instead of working on the marriage. I own that. I own that choice, and I am working through that with the counselor and with my wife.
My wife did not like that answer at all. She felt blamed for my cheating, which is not what I said at all, but it is how she will forevor take those words...I have seen it on this site time and time again. The cheating is 100% my fault, but the problems in the marriage are 50/50. I don't think she will ever admit to being 50% of the problem in our marriage. I don't think we will be able to rebuild anything if she can't at least say that our physical side of the marriage was terrible. I am willing to admit that I was emotionally detached from her. I own my 50% of the marriage problems, and the 100% of the cheating...she needs to step up to the plate here a bit if she wants anything to work out for us.
We both left couseling last night feeling that things were pretty much over, and we went home to separate houses, separate beds, and hardly even said good night on the shortest phone call on record in our marriage. She felt entirely blamed for the infidelity, and I feel like she will never accept that we both are at fault for problems in the marriage. She does not want to admit that not having sex with her husband for literally months on end was a problem in the marriage...I don't get it. I probably don't get it because I am the cheater, and I see things differently. Who knows.
Things kind of feel like they are at a stand still. Not really sure where to go from here.
I'll be interested to see what others have to say, especially those whose spouses cheated on them. I admitted to cheating on my wife and I do agree with what you said about the marriage and it being 50/50. I'm glad you are owning up to 100% of the infidelity.....I feel the same way with my situation.
Since my wife and I haven't even been able to get to this point of talking about the incident due to her not communicating at all, I don't have much advice other than to keep telling her that you own up to the infidelity. I think she will start to understand. I will take this as a work of caution if/when I'm able to discuss this with my wife.
I'll be interested to see what others have to say, especially those whose spouses cheated on them. I admitted to cheating on my wife and I do agree with what you said about the marriage and it being 50/50. I'm glad you are owning up to 100% of the infidelity.....I feel the same way with my situation.
Since my wife and I haven't even been able to get to this point of talking about the incident due to her not communicating at all, I don't have much advice other than to keep telling her that you own up to the infidelity. I think she will start to understand. I will take this as a work of caution if/when I'm able to discuss this with my wife.
I feel really bad for your situation eman. I am so grateful to my wife for speaking to me throughout this. Zero communication would either cause me to resent her, or slowly eat me alive inside. I am not sure where you are on that scale...good luck, and stay positive!
I feel really bad for your situation eman. I am so grateful to my wife for speaking to me throughout this. Zero communication would either cause me to resent her, or slowly eat me alive inside. I am not sure where you are on that scale...good luck, and stay positive!
Although I would replace resent with "starting to get feelings of bitterness", you are dead on. But, like you've stated before, I've created my own hell. I do try my hardest to push those bitter feelings away though.
Counseling last night was not good. It was actually the first session we have had where we didn't both leave feeling better.
The counselor talked a lot about the "why" question. Why would I cheat, and what led me to cheating. I told her honestly how I felt. I did not offer justifications. I led out with the fact that I am a very selfish person, but I also told her that I resented being turned down for physical affection months at a time. I met my physical need in the wrong way not thinking that anything in our marriage would change, instead of working on the marriage. I own that. I own that choice, and I am working through that with the counselor and with my wife.
My wife did not like that answer at all. She felt blamed for my cheating, which is not what I said at all, but it is how she will forevor take those words...I have seen it on this site time and time again. The cheating is 100% my fault, but the problems in the marriage are 50/50. I don't think she will ever admit to being 50% of the problem in our marriage. I don't think we will be able to rebuild anything if she can't at least say that our physical side of the marriage was terrible. I am willing to admit that I was emotionally detached from her. I own my 50% of the marriage problems, and the 100% of the cheating...she needs to step up to the plate here a bit if she wants anything to work out for us.
We both left couseling last night feeling that things were pretty much over, and we went home to separate houses, separate beds, and hardly even said good night on the shortest phone call on record in our marriage. She felt entirely blamed for the infidelity, and I feel like she will never accept that we both are at fault for problems in the marriage. She does not want to admit that not having sex with her husband for literally months on end was a problem in the marriage...I don't get it. I probably don't get it because I am the cheater, and I see things differently. Who knows.
Things kind of feel like they are at a stand still. Not really sure where to go from here.
My only advice is to keep saying the affairs is 100% your fault. You made a bad decision. Don't bring up the why again when discussing the cheating. Just take ownership of it.
But you need to talk about her rejection. In a separate discussion about reconciliation. You need to make a decision if you want to reconcile.
My only advice is to keep saying the affairs is 100% your fault. You made a bad decision. Don't bring up the why again when discussing the cheating. Just take ownership of it.
But you need to talk about her rejection. In a separate discussion about reconciliation. You need to make a decision if you want to reconcile.
Keep the two discussions separate.
Thats a good way to go about it as long as she allows it.
Thank the Lord that you have another ****ing chance. My wife cheated and left- I was given no opportunity to salvage things. I was afforded no luxury of a second chance, even when it was she who committed the sin.
You count your goddamn blessings and lick that woman's toes for the rest of your life.
Counseling last night was not good. It was actually the first session we have had where we didn't both leave feeling better.
The counselor talked a lot about the "why" question. Why would I cheat, and what led me to cheating. I told her honestly how I felt. I did not offer justifications. I led out with the fact that I am a very selfish person, but I also told her that I resented being turned down for physical affection months at a time. I met my physical need in the wrong way not thinking that anything in our marriage would change, instead of working on the marriage. I own that. I own that choice, and I am working through that with the counselor and with my wife.
My wife did not like that answer at all. She felt blamed for my cheating, which is not what I said at all, but it is how she will forevor take those words...I have seen it on this site time and time again. The cheating is 100% my fault, but the problems in the marriage are 50/50. I don't think she will ever admit to being 50% of the problem in our marriage. I don't think we will be able to rebuild anything if she can't at least say that our physical side of the marriage was terrible. I am willing to admit that I was emotionally detached from her. I own my 50% of the marriage problems, and the 100% of the cheating...she needs to step up to the plate here a bit if she wants anything to work out for us.
We both left couseling last night feeling that things were pretty much over, and we went home to separate houses, separate beds, and hardly even said good night on the shortest phone call on record in our marriage. She felt entirely blamed for the infidelity, and I feel like she will never accept that we both are at fault for problems in the marriage. She does not want to admit that not having sex with her husband for literally months on end was a problem in the marriage...I don't get it. I probably don't get it because I am the cheater, and I see things differently. Who knows.
Things kind of feel like they are at a stand still. Not really sure where to go from here.
Good for you for owning up your cheating 100%.
Hopefully your wife will come around and understand that withholding sex is a form a emotional abuse. I can understand that she might have felt that something was missing in your marriage. So she pulled away from you. But she had as much responsibility as you did to work on the marriage when a problem occurred. If she felt that you were not meeting her needs, then she needed to tell you what needs were not being met and how she needed them met.
I have read that a lot of affairs take the form of a pressure release for the marriage. The cheater goes outside the marriage so that neither spouse has to deal with the marital issues. Once the affair is discovered, generally the couple is forced to either split or to deal with their issues finally.
Counseling last night was not good. It was actually the first session we have had where we didn't both leave feeling better.
The counselor talked a lot about the "why" question. Why would I cheat, and what led me to cheating. I told her honestly how I felt. I did not offer justifications. I led out with the fact that I am a very selfish person, but I also told her that I resented being turned down for physical affection months at a time. I met my physical need in the wrong way not thinking that anything in our marriage would change, instead of working on the marriage. I own that. I own that choice, and I am working through that with the counselor and with my wife.
My wife did not like that answer at all. She felt blamed for my cheating, which is not what I said at all, but it is how she will forevor take those words...I have seen it on this site time and time again. The cheating is 100% my fault, but the problems in the marriage are 50/50. I don't think she will ever admit to being 50% of the problem in our marriage. I don't think we will be able to rebuild anything if she can't at least say that our physical side of the marriage was terrible. I am willing to admit that I was emotionally detached from her. I own my 50% of the marriage problems, and the 100% of the cheating...she needs to step up to the plate here a bit if she wants anything to work out for us.
We both left couseling last night feeling that things were pretty much over, and we went home to separate houses, separate beds, and hardly even said good night on the shortest phone call on record in our marriage. She felt entirely blamed for the infidelity, and I feel like she will never accept that we both are at fault for problems in the marriage. She does not want to admit that not having sex with her husband for literally months on end was a problem in the marriage...I don't get it. I probably don't get it because I am the cheater, and I see things differently. Who knows.
Things kind of feel like they are at a stand still. Not really sure where to go from here.
Never been to a counselor but I think it was a bad strategy to bring it up so early as to what caused you to cheat. I agree that marriage issues wld be 50/50 problem. However this was probably not the best time to pull that thread.
I guess the main thing right now is to heal her pain and bring back the trust and faith little by little. Fixing the marriage issues as they were before cheating should not have been on the radar right now. Any insinuation that she is to blame for what happened would be like ripping off the bandage before the wound is healed. When a spouse cheats, I imagine, not only is the trust and faith lost, but also ones pride and self-esteem suffers as well. The wife should have been kept away from any blame or criticism. Not just that, such discussion focused on the cheating episode would have probably brought back bitter memories for her. Again, probably too early for that..
I think it was a bad move by the counselor. Any "whys" about the cheating is bound to cause some finger pointing, at least little bit. And that should not have been the agenda. I am no expert, so ask for advice from people.. but in my opinion you might want to change the counselor. I think he should be talking more about "How" to deal with this rather than "Why" you cheated and other post mortem discussion.
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Re: A cheater's perspective - 4 weeks past D-Day 
