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How Long Were You In The Fog?

176K views 261 replies 50 participants last post by  lifeistooshort 
#1 ·
To people who had affairs and left your significant other for the affair partner; how long were you in your fog? I used to think of my affair partner as perfect. I left my husband of seven years for him about three weeks ago. I blamed my husband for our marriage falling apart, I told him I didn't love him anymore, and hurt him tremendously. I am now starting to see my affair partner for who he is, and realize that it was my husband all along who I was in love with. Is three weeks to short of a time to come out of the fog? Should I see if things work out with my affair partner before making any further decisions, or should I go back to my husband and try to work on our marriage? Will my husband even take me back?

To spouses hurt by your significant other having an affair, how long was it before your wayward spouse started coming out of the affair fog?
 
#2 ·
To spouses hurt by your significant other having an affair, how long was it before your wayward spouse started coming out of the affair fog?
Don't know, she didn't come back for me to find out. She may be in it still, or not, who knows and who cares (not me any more). The fog didn't make her decide to leave, it didn't cause anything, it is simply a consequence. When you start applying reason again, then you will see out of the fog.
 
#4 ·
I'm not a big believer in the fog I don't understand why logic doesn't win out over the emotion.

I guess there is a different between a true affair partner and a one night stands!! There is no fog in a ONS............ I can relate to that, but not a trure AP.
 
#160 ·
This is typical. Cheaters always rewrite the marital history to make the faithful spouse feel bad and to make them feel responsible for the cheater's bad behavior.

Three weeks is not too short of a time. Once you two got into a real relationship instead of a dating relationship, you really got to see each other for who you both are.

Most affairs are fantasies. Most people have affairs because they are unhappy within themselves.

They blame the spouse for everything wrong in their life.

When they wake up often it is too late. The faithful spouse is long gone.

My cheater spouse told me he hated me too. Prior to being outed he acted like everything was fine.

Now, he does not want the divorce.

I don't know if your husband can forgive you. Some can.
 
#7 ·
I thought I wouldn't. I thought our marriage was over. Now, I'm not so sure what I'm feeling anymore. I thought our marriage was terrible, but now I really see that our marriage was terrible since I started seeing my AP in January. Before that I was actually very happy. I honestly couldn't see that until this morning. I was happy in our marriage...I can't explain it.
 
#12 ·
First let me say welcome and you have alot of courage to post on this site. Many people have been hurt and will no doubt takes shots at you.

Can you tell your story from the beginning -- not all the details -- but the important ones that made you act and make decisions along the way from being in a happy marriage to moving in with your AP.

Also, what happened this morning to help you see your ex husband in a different light ?
 
#9 ·
My H was having an EA with a co worker for months on and off. Within 3 weeks of the EA being exposed by OWH, the EA turned PA ans finished! H realised he didnt love her and didnt want her and finished it.

He now tells me he never loved her and that it was all fake. He tought he loved her, but when the fantasy became the reality it just wasnt what he wanted at all.

So no, 3 weeks isnt too soon. If you realise that you have made a big mistake, then stop your A right now and go and speak to your H or write him a letter if its easier. I always told my H, dont ever be too proud to come and speak to me if you think youve made a mistake.

My H came out of his A fog pretty quickly!
All i can say is please dont mess with your Hs emotions. Finish your A first and then see how you feel.
 
#14 ·
That is exactly how I feel! Like I was in a fantasy! Some negative things happened pretty quickly... on December 23rd I told my husband I wanted him to be more intimate, he told me he would. Then a short while later he was so caught up with work that he forgot our anniversary. It shattered me. But, he felt horrible and tried to make it up to me. Then in January I started an emotional affair. Now that I look back on things...I think my AP could have been anybody! I just had low self esteem and felt like my husband didn't care about me, but now that I look back I realize he really did care about me. He has done so much for me. People forget anniversaries right? He made an honest mistake, and again he felt horrible about forgetting. After that I put up a wall to him. He was trying to make things better...but I just couldn't see it. I thought it was too little to late...
 
#11 ·
There no harm in asking for forgiveness but since you said that the marriage was great prior to the affair and you made him believe he was the cause of all your grief, he'll harbor a lot of resentment towards you and in fact, will be a little skeptical about taking you back since being good to you yielded him a cheating wife, what's there to make him believe you won't cheat when things actually get bad?
 
#13 ·
There is no time table for when a DS/WS (disloyal spouse/wayward spouse) comes to his/her senses about the affair. The reason why you are no longer sure of your decision is because reality has intruded upon your fantasy based perception of the OM. Now that that you have been living with him, you see things about him that you were not aware of when the two of you were sneeking around. The rose colored glasses have come off and what you see is not better than what you left.

What do you want? Do you want to return to your husband? If this is the case then end your affair with the OM and start making small steps at opening a dialog with your husband to see if he still loves you and would be willing to give you another chance. Keep in mind though that if you are not truly remorseful for having betrayed him, then he may not want to take the risk of taking you back.
 
#20 ·
You may as well face it DA, the reason you left your husband for another man, told him you didn't love him and failed to see anything he was doing right is not a fog. You simply lost interest in him. The fact that you're now in "buyers remorse" doesn't mean you were blind to the husband's value. If things would have worked out with your new love, you wouldn't be talking about the fog. You'd be making plans to live happily every after with the new guy. You are where you are because you got snookered by the new guy and you want a soft place to return to.
 
#31 ·
You are probably right. I should just leave him alone. Should I at least apologize to him, and tell him that all the hurtful things I said to him weren't true? I know he was going through a hard time for the first two weeks, but my best friend has told me that he seems to be pulling himself together now, and that he seems kind of happy again, and has started going out with friends and things lately...
 
#44 · (Edited)
Exit OM's apartment and bed pronto, cut all contact with OM. Go stay with your friend or find a hotel.

Return to you husband and tell him everything you just said here with an emphasis that OM is in the past.

If H wishes to pursue the D that is something you can't change, but you can present him with the option of R as well. Do not expect a warm welcome, you may need more than one attempt with your H.

Right now, your H only believes that D is his only option. He has the right to choose a different path if you are truly willing. You have much work to do if that is the case.

Good Luck
AM
 
#54 ·
Tells husband more intimacy is needed ... husband working hard to support family, under a lot of financial pressure, forgets anniversary, apologizes profusely, which leads to ... wife's affair. You don't sound very stable.

The marriage vows say "for better or worse."

If this little blip of a problem caused you to have an affair, and "trade down" for your affair partner over your husband, and re-write marital history from a good marriage to a terrible marriage, what's going to happen when you really have a problem in your marriage?

Husband will have to walk on eggshells for the rest of his life for fear that, with one small slip-up, his dear wife will get mad, forget they had a good marriage, and run off and cheat with the first loser she finds.
 
#58 ·
I don't think that's it. My best friend has been dating a guy for five years. Husband and him are very close. Also, my best friend told me that my husband was interested in someone at work, was going to ask her out, but that he felt weird about it because he was still married to me. She also said he has been reading a lot and trying to improve himself and that he wanted to wait awhile before dating again (after the divorce maybe) to get his head on straight, fully get over our relationship, etc. He didn't want a rebound relationship, and he didn't want to potentially hurt anyone because he hasn't completely gotten over our relationship yet. She said that he read somewhere, that it take over a year to get over something like this, and he's willing to wait until the time is right.
 
#77 ·
I agree, the person I am cheating on is pathetic and lonely. He was left by his fiance about three years ago which really hurt him. My best friend said if he was any kind of person he would have learned from that hurt and wouldn't wanted to hurt anyone in the same way, but he didn't learn...

I am also a loser...


You are out of the fog. Cheaters who are still in the fog always find something good to say about the other man.

How much of wanting your husband back coincides with:

(1) you finding out that he is no longer pining away for you, he is moving on without you and, thus, he can no longer be your backup plan to go back to in case things with the other man don't work out (it must have been very comforting for you that while you initially were with the other man, you felt that your husband would take you back if you decided to return; unfortunately for you, that situation changed with the passage of time)

vs.

(2) you realizing that your husband is actually the better choice over the other man

vs

(3) you truly do love your husband, not just that you realize he is better than the other man
 
#79 ·
Dopeamineaddict,


I was were you are at a year ago. It does take a while to come out of the fog. I suppose each person is different. For me, several months - and that was during our reconciliation. I had to live with the burden of the fog, as well as the pain I caused my wife well, even to this day.

The fog has lifted. The pain is still there. The memories, the feelings, all the confusion of the fog - still frightfully present. When I first confessed to my wife of my affair, I only had logic to rely on that the fog was an illusion. I still felt for my AP, I still wondered if I had made a mistake in confessing instead of running off with the AP...but it all came clear after the fog lifted.

In the reverse, while I was in the fog, I knew that if I had ended it, I would have missed my wife. I would have trashed my life for what? A fantasy?

Because, that's what the fog is: fantasy.

Just like you, I started to see the cracks in the foundation of my AP: she didn't like the music I liked - she just pretended to. I don't even think she likes music. She would tell me my daughter would be alright through a divorce and I would think, "How the 'F' do you know?" I had a startling realization while separated from my wife and before I confessed my affair that 'I have my AP person now, but what next?' I mean, really...what was the point of all this again? Was the AP really an equal or better than my wife? HELL NO! She too was a trade-down. I realized I was the problem, not my wife. And I knew, no matter where I went (or with whom I went), I...in all my disgustingly shameful behavior and actions, I WAS THERE. I knew running from my marriage would doom me - AP or not.

So, what I'm trying to get across is right now, you really need to listen to your internal reasoning - cut the emotional crap. Think very hard about what you will miss of your husband, your family, and your friends. Yes, you will lose much more than just your husband. The ripple effect rides far further than you expect. You're caught up in your selfish fantasy, confused, in pain to see what and who you're really hurting.

Unlike you though, I returned after five weeks before my wife knew what was truly wrong. I confessed my affair. The moment I confessed, a huge weight was lifted (and then unfortunately foisted upon my wife) and then the true horror of what I'd done came to light.

If you want your husband back, you need to tell him. Of course, his acceptance of reconciliation is COMPLETELY his choice and you must accept his decision. However, he too (and probably is) in a fog of his own. He probably sees your whole relationship as a farce. A big lie. An illusion. He will be entering into his own dark period soon, if he chooses to take you back. And, this is also part of your burden now: watching him suffer. YOU DID THIS! Accept it.

He will say things out of anger and pain which he probably doesn't mean. Accept it. He will swing wildly from wanting to forget it all happened and be happy again, to terribly depressed where nothing will ever be the same again. Accept it.

Your mission, if your husband chooses to accept R, is to do a thorough soul search. You must know why you did this. You must know how you got to a point of falling so low. You must be honest with yourself. You must be honest with your husband. And, get your a$$ into counseling, pronto! Yes, it costs money, but it's cheaper than divorce and it will help both of you see and deal with the reality of your situation.

My wife have been in counseling every week for over a year now. I have come to the root of my issues. I also attend weekly Alanon meetings. I talk to my wife about my emotional state now. I didn't before. And even after a year, there are those triggers, those moments where she's asking once again, 'how could you?' I ask myself daily as well.

Find a higher power. Find God, in any form you wish to see Him. You are out of control and you need help. Surrender to the fact that you have defects you wish God's help to remove. Get to know yourself better - for you. Your husband will also benefit with a more authentic you.

In all of this, if your explanations start with "you", as in referring to your husband, you're going down the wrong path. This is all you. You need to own this now. You need to accept the consequences. Rebuild your honor and dignity by lifting your head, and to all those you've hurt through this, say "I did this. I was wrong. Forgive me." and accept whatever comes your way.

Yes, you did wrong. You betrayed your husband. But for yourself, hold your head up and be accountable. At least, if you can look everyone in the eyes admitting to what you have done, you can reclaim a bit of honor for yourself.

I do wish you well. Open your eyes. Wake up!

I wrote a song and made a video for my wife explaining myself. I hope you find some light at the end of the tunnel.

Sleepwalking - The Advisors - YouTube
 
#80 ·
Just my opinion here. Because of the nature of your thread, you put a lot of emphasis on how good your husband was, or how he didn't meet your needs while his job was busy, but you don't talk about how you were as a wife before you did what you did to him. Again, that's not what this thread is about, so its understandable. But if you want to eventually win him back, it might be worthwhile to really look yourself in the mirror, and tell him about what you learned through this about yourself. Did you value his needs as highly as your own? Did you give him the benefit of the doubt as a human when he stumbled as a husband? Did you see that your own happiness was something you owned, requiring you to go the extra mile in helping him learn how to meet those needs? Can he ever come to the place where he can really feel like a marriage to you was worth it all, or will he always be looking back, realizing that his one shot of a great lifetime of marriage "just wasn't in the cards"?

I don't mean for this to come across as disrespectful, but when you describe how he has responded to what you did, his philosophical view of it, and the music, he sounds like someone who believed in things that are bigger than life, like the dream of marriage, and how two imperfect people can navigate it together. Unless I'm missing it completely, I'd recommend really stressing these intangible, hard to define dreams that you want to build with him if he gives you another chance. Mean it. It seems like you are focusing more on how you felt at a time in moment, and that is not what he will want to hear. He may need something permanent to grab ahold of if you make your change of heart known. Show him how you want him to live the rest of his life feeling like he is never alone, and you might touch on some strong feelings within him. With the way he initially responded, he sounds like someone who made a permanent decision when he made you leave. Speak the same language, if this makes any sense.
 
#87 ·
Good advice. I was just talking to my bf, and she told me some things that my husband told her. They were both just sitting back waiting for a train wreck, but they both came to the conclusion that it would be about six months before the train wreck happened. They could both see that my AP and I were not compatible. They have a nickname for him... "****-boy." She says my husband hasn't come up with a nickname for me, but I would deserve it if he did...
 
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