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How Long Were You In The Fog?

176K views 261 replies 50 participants last post by  lifeistooshort 
#1 ·
To people who had affairs and left your significant other for the affair partner; how long were you in your fog? I used to think of my affair partner as perfect. I left my husband of seven years for him about three weeks ago. I blamed my husband for our marriage falling apart, I told him I didn't love him anymore, and hurt him tremendously. I am now starting to see my affair partner for who he is, and realize that it was my husband all along who I was in love with. Is three weeks to short of a time to come out of the fog? Should I see if things work out with my affair partner before making any further decisions, or should I go back to my husband and try to work on our marriage? Will my husband even take me back?

To spouses hurt by your significant other having an affair, how long was it before your wayward spouse started coming out of the affair fog?
 
#233 ·
DA please consider paying your 'friend' back by one day approaching her husband behind her back and telling him how his wife knowingly encouraged you to have an affair and provided support for you in lying to your husband about your whereabouts so that you could meet up with the OM to have sex. Inform him so that he can see what a POS (piece of sh!t) he is married to and to keep his eyes and ears open just in case she is cheating on him. If she later finds out that you told her husband and that now her husband doesn't trust her, perhaps she will think twice about attempting to destroy another marriage by encouraging another vulnerable friend to have an affair.
 
#234 ·
Also, you said you would need to seek out OM. Remember, he can seek you out as well. You need to tell him to stay away and follow up with admin if he does not
Exactly, NC means a NC arrangement. Play different scenarios; he can try from different phones (be ready to hung up once you know who is), he can try thourgh third parties (be ready to tell them to back off, you don't want to hear about OM ever again), he can try F2F...
 
#244 ·
I am going to take a different approach here DA, in the midst of all the criticism being thrown at you right now (some good, some not so good) I commend you. As a HUMAN we all make mistakes no matter how small or large that mistake is, it however takes courage to sit here and take the lumps that some of the members are giving you. Unfortunately there are some members on TAM that have been hurt beyond belief and it comes out in their posts, I am one of them that has survived an affair, my ex left with kids, got to another state and realized a month later that it was a mistake and tried to come back. Unfortunately she never owned up to what she did so it was NOT an option for me.

It sounds like your H is a great guy and you realized that a little late, but I can somewhat sense the sincerity in your posts and you realize your mistake and is trying to make amends. I commend you for not only posting your story but also replying to some of the most difficult questions TAM members have asked. I personally have never posted my story but during my previous marriage issues I found this site to be most insightful.

If you are truly sincere I pray you are able to get your H back. There are many marriages that have strengthened over this issue
 
#245 ·
My R is somewhat like you are trying for. Starting over, dating. I consider her more like a girlfriend. It’s different this time though. That dead inside thing I get. He’ll snap out... but it will not be the same anymore.

As I can best describe it... Before she started looking over that fence... I call it ‘my yearning’. Its overwhelming positive feelings about my spouse. Just watching her sleep and knowing this goddess loves me was enough. The deep rooted romantic in me was strong... I believed in the dream of it all. It was pride in her and myself for landing such a great woman.

This is what she slowly killed inside me. I no longer take pride in my spouse or the marriage. The scars, pain, and wounds will heal over time with or without her... the vision of ‘who she is’ has changed. No matter what you do, your past IS part of how we see you. The pride is gone.

If I could offer you any real advice. Work very, very hard on yourself. Rebuild your severely tarnished image. DO NOT fake it or create a false perception because you are already suspect. I can deal with mistakes, but am less than tolerant of ‘fake’. Be someone your husband can be proud of again. Do not give up. Find your strength and continue to grow (with or without him)... I bet if you can look in the mirror and feel proud about the woman looking back at you, your husband would feel the same. And make damn sure he knows what changes you are doing and your innermost thoughts.... Give him new things about you to think about rather than bikerboy.
 
#246 · (Edited)
Should I see if things work out with my affair partner before making any further decisions, or should I go back to my husband and try to work on our marriage? Will my husband even take me back?
If you are even asking those questions, then please leave your ex husband alone. You don't sound sure about who you want and you're going to hurt him again. You seem mostly concerned with securing your relationship before you make a move and that kind of indecision is not good. You need to figure out what you want on your own. He deserves to be with someone who wants to be with him not just be with him while it's kinda fun and no one else is keeping her entertained well enough.

Edit: Later in your thread, you say that you realized that your marriage was good before you started cheating and you found fault with it only after your infidelity kicked in. I think you sound really unsure of what you want. If you try to reconnect with your husband, please make sure you are totally honest about how you feel, try to find the reason you chose to cheat, so that you won't do it again. If he takes you back, don't ruin it by being dishonest about things; transparency is very important -- even if it means telling someone what they don't want to hear, honesty is better than lies.
 
#252 ·
Your relationship with this man will never blossom into anything but sorrow, because the relationship was born out of sin. I'm sure it may seem exhilarating but a love born out of infidelity is not love. It's selfishness.
 
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#260 ·
I don't dislike you at all ...I just see you as a deeply confused/troubled individual that your husband is better off without.
I understand your husband considering giving you another chance if there were children involved.
But why bother now? Is it because you can't find anyone better at the moment? You only get 3 strikes in baseball.

You didn't appreciate him, your decisions & behavior were selfish, deceitful and cruel. You treat your dog better than your husband.
Your posts sound self centered and focused on yourself. If you truly honestly love him, you'd set him free to find someone that is not as deeply confused/troubled as you.

Does he read your posts?
 
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