Dopeamineaddict,
I was were you are at a year ago. It does take a while to come out of the fog. I suppose each person is different. For me, several months - and that was during our reconciliation. I had to live with the burden of the fog, as well as the pain I caused my wife well, even to this day.
The fog has lifted. The pain is still there. The memories, the feelings, all the confusion of the fog - still frightfully present. When I first confessed to my wife of my affair, I only had logic to rely on that the fog was an illusion. I still felt for my AP, I still wondered if I had made a mistake in confessing instead of running off with the AP...but it all came clear after the fog lifted.
In the reverse, while I was in the fog, I knew that if I had ended it, I would have missed my wife. I would have trashed my life for what? A fantasy?
Because, that's what the fog is: fantasy.
Just like you, I started to see the cracks in the foundation of my AP: she didn't like the music I liked - she just pretended to. I don't even think she likes music. She would tell me my daughter would be alright through a divorce and I would think, "How the 'F' do you know?" I had a startling realization while separated from my wife and before I confessed my affair that 'I have my AP person now, but what next?' I mean, really...what was the point of all this again? Was the AP really an equal or better than my wife? HELL NO! She too was a trade-down. I realized I was the problem, not my wife. And I knew, no matter where I went (or with whom I went), I...in all my disgustingly shameful behavior and actions, I WAS THERE. I knew running from my marriage would doom me - AP or not.
So, what I'm trying to get across is right now, you really need to listen to your internal reasoning - cut the emotional crap. Think very hard about what you will miss of your husband, your family, and your friends. Yes, you will lose much more than just your husband. The ripple effect rides far further than you expect. You're caught up in your selfish fantasy, confused, in pain to see what and who you're really hurting.
Unlike you though, I returned after five weeks before my wife knew what was truly wrong. I confessed my affair. The moment I confessed, a huge weight was lifted (and then unfortunately foisted upon my wife) and then the true horror of what I'd done came to light.
If you want your husband back, you need to tell him. Of course, his acceptance of reconciliation is COMPLETELY his choice and you must accept his decision. However, he too (and probably is) in a fog of his own. He probably sees your whole relationship as a farce. A big lie. An illusion. He will be entering into his own dark period soon, if he chooses to take you back. And, this is also part of your burden now: watching him suffer. YOU DID THIS! Accept it.
He will say things out of anger and pain which he probably doesn't mean. Accept it. He will swing wildly from wanting to forget it all happened and be happy again, to terribly depressed where nothing will ever be the same again. Accept it.
Your mission, if your husband chooses to accept R, is to do a thorough soul search. You must know why you did this. You must know how you got to a point of falling so low. You must be honest with yourself. You must be honest with your husband. And, get your a$$ into counseling, pronto! Yes, it costs money, but it's cheaper than divorce and it will help both of you see and deal with the reality of your situation.
My wife have been in counseling every week for over a year now. I have come to the root of my issues. I also attend weekly Alanon meetings. I talk to my wife about my emotional state now. I didn't before. And even after a year, there are those triggers, those moments where she's asking once again, 'how could you?' I ask myself daily as well.
Find a higher power. Find God, in any form you wish to see Him. You are out of control and you need help. Surrender to the fact that you have defects you wish God's help to remove. Get to know yourself better - for you. Your husband will also benefit with a more authentic you.
In all of this, if your explanations start with "you", as in referring to your husband, you're going down the wrong path. This is all you. You need to own this now. You need to accept the consequences. Rebuild your honor and dignity by lifting your head, and to all those you've hurt through this, say "I did this. I was wrong. Forgive me." and accept whatever comes your way.
Yes, you did wrong. You betrayed your husband. But for yourself, hold your head up and be accountable. At least, if you can look everyone in the eyes admitting to what you have done, you can reclaim a bit of honor for yourself.
I do wish you well. Open your eyes. Wake up!
I wrote a song and made a video for my wife explaining myself. I hope you find some light at the end of the tunnel.
Sleepwalking - The Advisors - YouTube