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Faking remorse

77K views 266 replies 54 participants last post by  MattMatt 
#1 ·
My WW appears to be very sorry for her 3 year A, but I can't help but think it's all just a big act. How hard/easy would it be for a WS to fake being remorseful? I figure not that hard since they all have mastered the art of lying. How do I know she's truly sorry? I haven't posted my whole story yet because it's still unfolding. She admitted that she had been having an A for the past 3 years but has claimed NC since March. I talked to her the other day about the NC letter I read about on this site and she refuses to write or send one to the OM. I have been keeping a close eye on her but I'm not sure she has completely cut ties with the OM, she won't tell me much about him. Should I push her for more Info?
 
#3 ·
Well obviously she is talented enough to hide a 3 year affair, I don't see her having a problem faking a remorse.

Since she is refusing to send a NC letter, why exactly are you still with her? She already gave you an answer as to what she thinks of a marriage with you.

Go through her phone bill, emails, facebook to find out who the OM is and notify his wife/gf, family, friends and coworkers.
 
#5 ·
No NC letter no marriage.

There`s no reason why she wouldn`t send it if she wasn`t trying to keep a door open.

She`ll tell you "It ended months ago, it`ll be stupid to send it now!"

Your answer should be "So what if he thinks it`s stupid, why do you care what he thinks?"
 
#9 ·
How I found out is, a few months ago she was out shopping with her sister. Her sister called to say she left one of her shopping bags in my wifes car but my wife wasn't home yet. A few hours pass and her cell phone goes right to voicemail. She finally comes home all smiles and I say how was your day, she says great. I said where have you been? She says I've been shopping and then my sister and I went out for dinner. I said really she says yes. I said that's funny cause your sister called 4 hours ago and wasn't with you. She went white as a sheet and started crying. She blurted out everything, I was floored. I didn't suspect a thing. I should mention we work didn't hours and I travel for work at least once a month so It was pretty easy for her to carry on the long term affair.
 
#15 ·
no she did not blurt out everything !! it will probably be someone you are friends with. Thats why she is refusing to tell who. May I ask, how old are you ?? Can you look in the mirrow and see the same man that was there a week ago. No, for that man had selfrespect, and your wife and POSOM made sure this one don't. You do know how to get it back right ?? By ridding yourself of the ***** that hold so much contempt for you, that she went and F**Ked all day with you in town. Then came home still leaking to lie in your face and kiss you on the cheek, while looking you dead in the eye. Damn, I bet the CIA could really use her. Well if you are going to keep her, you can at least take pride in the fact, that you have a stone coldhearted woman.
 
#20 ·
It's a waste of breath but....

FWIW... regarding indications of genuine remorse I once put together a short list on the subject of determining if your WS was being genuine and remorseful which some found useful...

____________________________

REMORSE

There is no infallable way to know if what you are seeing is genuine remorse or not.

What I would start with would be your gut... that's where it all begins. No one knows your spouse quite the way that you do. Do you sense genuine remorse?

As with all people that mislead, lie or decieve there are always subtle non-verbal cues (facial expressions) which can give you some indication whether the person is being genuine...

People who fake remorse tend to show a greater range of emotional expressions and swing from one emotion to another very quickly - if the base emotional responses are grouped into three categories; Good (happy) /Neutral (neutral, surprise). /Bad (sadness, fear, anger, contempt, disgust) a person intentionally decieving you will tend to swing from category to category very quickly. Particularly from good to bad or bad to good (skipping nuetral). The phenomenon is referred to as emotional turbulence - They will also speak with more hesitation.

It might also bear mentioning that the saying about people lying not looking you in the eyes, is actually completely false in the case of WS's. You will find that they go out of the way to look you dead in the eyes while lying to you.


There are also some qualities/behaviors to look for when someone is genuinely remorseful...

They are signs/actions that someone will commonly exhibit (coping mechinisms) when internally healing from an action or decision that they have made which they feel was wrong... These are obviously not hard cold "musts" for a spouse to qualify as genuinely remorseful... But, I hope this gives you a "roadmap" of some indicators....

1. A remorseful spouse is willing if not eager to confess everything about the behaviors and mistakes they made. They commonly show a genuine desire to "come clean".

2. A remorseful spouse is openly accountable for their actions and seeks to identify and make changes to insure that this behavior does not reoccur. (They feel genuine pain, therefore they seek to prevent this pain from reoccuring. (normal human response to pain - AVOID IT) (No genuine pain = No reason to seek a solution to avoid repeating that pain).

3. A remorseful spouse will seek to "work", not only on themselves but on general life responsibilities. A remorseful spouse faces the responsibilities of thier day-to-day life and will often show increased motivation to meet those tasks. The work is often approached in a more "humble" way by the remorseful spouse.

4. A remorseful spouse will not object to limitations (i.e. transperency, no contact letters) set by the faithful spouse as a result their actions and in an effort to promote the healing of the violated trust.

5. A remorseful spouse faces the pain they have caused. A remorseful spouse will allow you to express the intesity of the feelings and hurt their actions have caused without justifying, minimizing or blame-shifting.

6. A remorseful spouse seeks forgiveness and respects the process of forgiveness often takes time. They will not be impatient or pressure the injured spouse to say "I forgive you" and will never exhibit a "get over it!" attitude.

Sorry you are all here, but hope this proves useful to you on your journey.
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#25 ·
Lets get real here. Your wife has been in a sexual affair for the past 3 YEARS and you had no clue. She has horribly betrayed and humiliated you for 3 YEARS. She has put your health at risk for STD's for the past 3 YEARS. On top of this she will not even write a no contact letter after 3 YEARS banging her lover.

Are you out of your mind? How much humiliation and disrespect are you willing to endure? The last 3 years of your life and marriage has been one giant lie. If the roles were reversed your wife would have been with an attorney already. Do you think she would have been so forgiving and accepting as you have been? Do you think she engaged in this affair for 3 YEARS because she knew if she got found out you would have immediately forgiven her anyway so she had nothing to lose. If you do not respect yourself then who will.

I suggest the following:
1. Get the both of you tested for STD's immediately.
2. Contact the OM's wife or girlfriend immediately.
3. Expose this affair to everyone.
4. See a lawyer to understand your options.

She humiliated and betrayed you in the worst possible way for 3 long years. Do you feel proud and special that she is your wife? Your anniversaries for the last 3 years she must have been laughing to herself what a fool her husband is. You wish to remain with her? What is wrong with this picture?
 
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#26 · (Edited)
VAR in car and in home where she is most likely to make a phone call.

Real time GPS unit to trak her car. Phone too.

Does she say she wants to save the marriage/ Does she say she loves you? How is/was your sex life?

Kids?

Find his number/name look him up on spokeo.com . If you got the idea he is single from your wife there is a good chance he is married.

Cheaters rarely tell the truth.

Keylogger on her computer/phone.

NC letter or deal is off.
 
#27 ·
completely_lost, While I believe that some cheating spouses can show remorse and can work towards rebuilding a marriage with their betrayed spouse, the process takes a lot of effort, on your part and certainly on her part. Being the cynical person that I am, I generally feel that reconciling isn't worth the effort. I don't want to tell you what to decide, but your situation is not looking good.

With that said - A letter of no-contact is an absolute must. This is not open to discussion. This is the first and most important step in reconcile. That she refuses to do this is staggering. I would have made a mad-dash to my lawyer the moment she said no. Her refusal shows you that she does not want to "burn her bridge" and excise the other man from her life. Which means that she could easily pick-up the affair when you turn the other way, assuming she hasn't already resumed.

As others have stated, a truly remorseful cheating spouse will do everything in their power to make the marriage work, and help you heal. Instead of at least pretending to give a damned about your feelings, she slammed the door on the very first step towards recovery.

No. I do not believe she is remorseful. I believe the affair has been utterly ignored and swept under the rug.

I highly suggest that you expose her disgusting betrayal to her family, friends, and colleagues. If she won't burn the bridge, maybe being stigmatized by everyone she knows will push her to do it.

However, if she is truly not remorseful (and I don't think she is) she will rear her venomous head and fight you bloody hard. Which will show you exactly where her loyalties lie - with her affair partner, whom you've now made inaccessible, and not to you.

I'm sorry mate, but I think you should divorce her. Remember - you aren't "giving up," so don't beat yourself up over the fact that it isn't working out. The marriage is already null thanks to her betrayal. You're simply removing a cancer from your life.
 
#28 ·
Hey CL----How are you able to look at her without vomiting,--how could you even wanna touch her, you would be touching filth, what could the words from her mouth be, but lies

The day you "outed her"------she came home all smiles, she had just spent THREE F'ING HOURS WITH HER LOVER, why wouldn't she be all smiles

Why is she anywhere near you, FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS, YOUR MGE, HAS BEEN ONE LONG LIE----Do you think you will get over this anytime soon, if you do---THEN YOU HAVE NO RESPECT FOR YOURSELF

You may love your wife---but what you have to understand is YOUR WIFE DIED THREE YEARS AGO---who is this person/monster/liar/con artist, that presents herself to you now.

She had three years with her lover, three years, where you were in the backround---go over to cheaterville, and sites like that, and read----and then get sick-----your wife was that person.

Why would you wanna stay with her---BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU, she still LOVES HIM---he is not leaving her mind anytime soon---AND HE WILL BE AN ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM, IN ANYTHING THAT YOU ATTEMPT TO DO, TOWARD R.

Once again how do you stand to look at/touch/talk to her.-----I would think puking would be preferable to anything done with this woman who gave you SLOPPY SECONDS FOR THREE YEARS!!!!!!!
 
#31 ·
I just got home from Target, I purchased two VAR's one for her car and one for the house. I'm going golfing for the weekend so I'm thinking this would be the time to gather info. I still love my wife, I just hate what she did to us. We have two young adult children and I do not want them to know what we're going through. It's incredibly embarrassing, how could I have so blind for so long?
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#32 ·
It's incredibly embarrassing, how could I have so blind for so long?
Posted via Mobile Device
Get that out of your head. Right now.

You were blind because you trusted and love your wife, that is what you are supposed to do.

There is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. This is not your fault, you could be the greatest husband in the universe and this still could have happened. It is an indication of fault in your wife, NOT you.

If you are ashamed of this, you will sweep it under the rug and you will try to hide it. In doing that you will be enabling the affair. Affairs are like mushrooms, the grow in the dark and feed on bullsh*t. You wany any shot?, don't you dare keep this secret in the dark for them.
 
#44 ·
They are very closse to their mother and she is and always has been a excellent parent.
Being a good parent is more than just handling the day to day aspects of ensuring the kids are fed and clothed. It is about setting an example, being a good role model and teaching them right from wrong. In that area, your wife as an absolute crappy parent.

So how are you as a parent in this area? What are you teaching your children? Are you teaching them that this behavior is acceptable and should be tolerated, or are you teaching them about standing up for what is right and providing consequences for poor behavior. What are you teaching your kids to accept in a marriage?
 
#34 ·
Listen to Pit.

Here's how to flip this around: know that cheaters count on and depend on betrayed spouses being too paralyzed by embarrassment to do much, if anything, to stop the affair. If you let your shame dictate your reaction to what is going on, you are letting your fear turn you into an enabler.

Busting an affair wide open takes inner strength and bravery. You have it in you--dig down deep and find it.
 
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