I just got home from Target, I purchased two VAR's one for her car and one for the house. I'm going golfing for the weekend so I'm thinking this would be the time to gather info. I still love my wife, I just hate what she did to us. We have two young adult children and I do not want them to know what we're going through. It's incredibly embarrassing, how could I have so blind for so long? Posted via Mobile Device
It's incredibly embarrassing, how could I have so blind for so long? Posted via Mobile Device
Get that out of your head. Right now.
You were blind because you trusted and love your wife, that is what you are supposed to do.
There is absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about. This is not your fault, you could be the greatest husband in the universe and this still could have happened. It is an indication of fault in your wife, NOT you.
If you are ashamed of this, you will sweep it under the rug and you will try to hide it. In doing that you will be enabling the affair. Affairs are like mushrooms, the grow in the dark and feed on bullsh*t. You wany any shot?, don't you dare keep this secret in the dark for them.
I'm not keeping it quiet for my wife'ss sake, I'm doing for my children. They are very closse to their mother and she is and always has been a excellent parent. I think I'm just very numb at this point.
Here's how to flip this around: know that cheaters count on and depend on betrayed spouses being too paralyzed by embarrassment to do much, if anything, to stop the affair. If you let your shame dictate your reaction to what is going on, you are letting your fear turn you into an enabler.
Busting an affair wide open takes inner strength and bravery. You have it in you--dig down deep and find it.
It is very difficult to hate a parent that you have always had an even decent relationship with. Your children may initially feel anger towards your wife, but they will deal with it and resume a relationship with her.
My father was/is a serial cheater. I feel sad for my parents' relationship with each other, but I don't hate him. I had some anger towards him during my teen years, but eventually I realized that it wasn't my place to feel that anger. I accept him, faults and all, because he is my father. We have a relationship that is completely outside of his relationship with my mother. I wish they could have had a better marriage, but their marriage is not about me. I'm sure your children will come to the same realization.
I Know im going to get blasted for this but i really do struggle with the NC letter thing!
Even if a NC letter is written and sent then this is still no guarantee that the A isnt still going on!
Picture the scene WS txts AP - "He's making me send you a NC letter. Take no notice of it. i'm just doing it to get him off my back"
I just dont see how a NC letter is proof that the A is over!
It isn't proof that the affair is over.
What it does (in the words of our very good MC) is it creates an ending ritual. It creates a barrier, albeit small, where the OM / OW is officially rejected and now to reestablish the relationship a bit of face-saving has to be overcome.
It also officially sets up a line where verification starts. It NC is breached, that triggers consequences.
NC letters all by themselves are worthless pieces of paper. It's the hard consequences enforcing them that make them worth the time.
Most people aren't willing to file for divorce or expose, and those are pretty much the only consequences strong enough to make the NC mean something.
Dude you are so screwed. The affair isn't over, its been put on the back burner until the dust settles which is why she refused the NC (she doesn't want to permantly end it). She didn't end it on her own, she got busted.
You can't just walk away from a 3 YEAR relationship like that and not look back at some point. This is not over, not by a long shot and odds are you are going to be dealing with the fallout for the next several months, if not a year or two. She WILL try to hook up with him some time in the future, its just a matter of when.
I agree with iheartlife, how can words stop an affair? They are simply just words, and if she not willing to live by the words on that piece of paper then it is all just a waste of ink.
Yes, but that doesn't mean I don't believe in No Contact letters.
I believe in No Contact letters + swift enforcement.
It's probably because of my parenting style. Cheaters are very much like children. You are shaping their behavior by the way you react to their misbehavior. If you coddle them, they'll do it again. If you confront directly without enough evidence, they'll lie. And if you threaten anything and don't follow through, you are in for a world of hurt because now they will take what they learned in situation X and apply it to situation Y. You are literally training them to cheat on you more and better.
We often use the phrase ACTIONS, NOT WORDS to apply to whether or not a cheater is remorseful.
The same applies double for the betrayed spouse. Words are worthless.
They are very closse to their mother and she is and always has been a excellent parent.
Being a good parent is more than just handling the day to day aspects of ensuring the kids are fed and clothed. It is about setting an example, being a good role model and teaching them right from wrong. In that area, your wife as an absolute crappy parent.
So how are you as a parent in this area? What are you teaching your children? Are you teaching them that this behavior is acceptable and should be tolerated, or are you teaching them about standing up for what is right and providing consequences for poor behavior. What are you teaching your kids to accept in a marriage?
Please take this as intended, I'm trying to help you...
Get your flucking head out of your a$$. This is not going to play out anything like your imagining. Everything you hear, and everything you see is a lie.
Wake up call.
Like it or not, you are about to play a very high stakes game, if you don't make the rules you will be playing by hers... You will get eaten alive.
Your in the eye of a storm. Your reality is rooted on two things right now... What she tells you, and what you feel. Neither one of them can be trusted.
She is lying to you and you are lying to yourself. She is protecting herself and her interests and you are protecting yourself. Your in shock, an thermo nuclear emotional bomb just exploded on your world... There is a basic human reaction that almost everyone experiences in these situations... We are all compelled to 'fix' and we use denial, rationalizations, minimizing and blame martyring to compartmentalize the pain and cope with the crisis.... It's all smoke and mirrors bro... These things are your enemy if you want real reconciliation...
This is the reality she has brought on your family, you are not doing anyone any favors by re-writing it or hiding it.
In my experience, the ones that survive these trials and find the path to true reconciliation are always the ones that stare it in the eyes and find the courage to attack it head on. If your don't own this fight, it will own you.