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Faking remorse

77K views 266 replies 54 participants last post by  MattMatt 
#1 ·
My WW appears to be very sorry for her 3 year A, but I can't help but think it's all just a big act. How hard/easy would it be for a WS to fake being remorseful? I figure not that hard since they all have mastered the art of lying. How do I know she's truly sorry? I haven't posted my whole story yet because it's still unfolding. She admitted that she had been having an A for the past 3 years but has claimed NC since March. I talked to her the other day about the NC letter I read about on this site and she refuses to write or send one to the OM. I have been keeping a close eye on her but I'm not sure she has completely cut ties with the OM, she won't tell me much about him. Should I push her for more Info?
 
#121 ·
If you have important information at home (paper and digital), retrieve it ASAP to a secure location just in case things turn against you and you can't return to the house.

Please consider conveying the following to her calmly, quietly and respectfully (shows her your inner strength) .

"Look <your wife's first name>, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between the OM and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with him because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with him and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."
 
#124 ·
You're NOT an idiot! She IS the idiot because once the OM has to deal with her sh!t on a day to day basis - instead of banging her for short periods of time - the affair's days will be numbered. She will see how much her lover truly loves her once he throws her to the curve. She'll find herself with no husband and no lover.
 
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#128 ·
On her side , parents, siblings, their children and a few of her good friends. On the OM's side all his family including adult children , friends if you can get to them. If the workplace is being used as the affair then the HR Director , other directors and their bosses.


Actually I think it hurt me more in terms of my reputation. It appears in today's society, things of this nature does not have an negative impact. The only negative impact was on me.
This may appear to be so to you today, I do believe that a significant number of people will have heard you and be silent on the matter. Their silence does not mean they are negative to you.

Unfortunately there is no golden wand, there is a tested process and those who give you the negative attitude should keep any eye out and hope their spouses or SO's are not going to cheat . I have seen this wheel spin before , its amazing their how attitudes change when its their turn.
 
#129 ·
CL,

It is good you know. You are not dumb.

The act of false R happens too often. We see it all the time.

The key now is hat you take back control. No matter whether you decide to truly R or D you need to take back that control from your wife.

Please, please listen to Morituri, Pit and Eli Zor!!!

They know what they are talking about and you will be in a much better position no matter what you decide to do.

You can have her served with D papers. But before that you should expose her A and hit the OM where it hurts. Do not let the POSOM be her fallback. Take that away from her.

Let your kids and family know what is going on for over 3 years.

Your WW needs to feel the heat for her deplorable actions and lack of respect to the marriage/family.

You are strong but you need to act smart as well.

HM64
 
#133 ·
Download the VAR recording to your computer, save it to a WAV file on a flash drive and then if she denies, send the file out to friends and family via e-mail so they can hear it for themselves.

In fact, download all the hard evidence you have onto a flash drive and keep it in case things go south and you are forced to leave the house.
 
#138 ·
Thats the issue, she has very little family and her friends are her friends and that will not change. Most people don't care unless it affects them directly, IMO. I truly believe exposure would be best if I wanted to end the affair, however I don't. He can have her, she's garbage to me. The exposure would hurt me I think more then her, so for now I will use it as leverage.

They have not worked together in 2 years. Also unless there is policy in place abou dating in the wor place there's nothing HR can do. Unless I had proof they were doing it at work which I have no proof of.
Read this as an outsider who is not in the fear or emotional position of a BS. This is you looking for reasons not to do anything .

You do not have to have hard evidence she is using company equipment to conduct the affair, it is very likely she is or was. What happens is if you use the template letter from the newbie thread her company should investigate, that alone tells her you mean business.

Outing the OM is a must, the guy trespassed on your marriage , he declared was on you without you even knowing it, the gloves are off when it comes to dealing with him.
 
#139 ·
:iagree:

Take Bandits email suggestion. Do it before she gets the D papers.

Double whammy then take a picture of her face.

Keep a VAR on you at all times just to protect yourself.

Also get your assets under lock and key as well as valuables and financial documents so you are in control of the D process.
 
#145 ·
I think going very dark on her for a while would be effective by making her unable to plead with you and lie more

I do think you should expose it where you can but it's your choice.

I also think you should send her a message: I win I'm going to be free from the lying and the OM is going to have to put up with living with a liar full time. I almost feel sorry for him.
Posted via Mobile Device
 
#152 ·
I too had a false R; Same sort of deal, she’d just gone underground and faked the rest with me. I call it the second breaking. That is when my gut told me to end it. You are on the right path.

Now, what happened in my story... I had just sort of stopped caring at all. Seriously, a huge weight had lifted and I no longer cared what she did with herself or what the hell she thought of me. She tried all the ‘tricks’ to get me to re-engage back... I just saw them as pathetic or humorous. I laughed at her. And when she got nasty, I had zero problems just going for her throat and ripping apart her self esteem. I just saw her as the awful person she was.

This is when I started seeing real change. She hit bottom. Got suicidal and so forth. And I just stood back... I wasn’t going to catch her and didn’t care. That drove her deeper and deeper. I don’t know what exactly flipped in her mind, but she became different. Sort of a pleady needy thing doing what she could to try and make it right again. She started coming up with things on her own to help me. She went into IC and started working on herself. And I just stayed there and observed out of morbid curiosity to see what would rise out of the ashes.. That was 18 months ago and I’m still in this marriage. No idea if we’ll make it or not or if my choice was a good one.
 
#164 ·
Accumulate all bank and credit card statements. Know how much she has spent on her A. Half of that money is yours.

I disagree with the tell everyone approach - no one cares - especially not the OM's friends or family or colleagues! So, unless you are trying to R (in which case you are not savable), only tell people if it will help you.

It will help you to tell your children before you file and before she knows that you know. Record these conversations so they cannot be miscategorized later. Tell her parents/family and yours before her too. The reason telling these people will help, is because when there is a he said/she said fight later on, they know the truth. Also, she will likely confirm the truth to them now and cannot tell them something different when she's had time to strategize.

Do not leave your house, but record all interactions. She is about to lie to get everything she wants. Think about it. Her actions are such that she is lying to get what she wants - she acts entitled - she will flip out when told she is going to be denied all that.
 
#165 · (Edited)
They are very closse to their mother and she is and always has been a excellent parent.
She would have been a better parent if she was not in an affair.

Do you not realise that when she is/was with your children she was thinking of the OM.

Do you not realise when/if she was having sex with you she was thinking of the OM.

Do you not know on those special family vacations, valentines days, Christmas days that she was sending "I love you's" to the OM and dreaming she was with him.

You do not understand the first thing about how a WW behaves or thinks, your so deep in the BS fog your making excuses for her.

She is NOT a good parent, if she was she would not be in a full blown three year long affair and purposefully destroying her childrens family and home.

What kind of parent goes out of her way that if D occurs she only has 50% of the time with her children. One who is a good parent --please!! see reality for what it is.
 
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