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Faking remorse

77K views 266 replies 54 participants last post by  MattMatt 
#1 ·
My WW appears to be very sorry for her 3 year A, but I can't help but think it's all just a big act. How hard/easy would it be for a WS to fake being remorseful? I figure not that hard since they all have mastered the art of lying. How do I know she's truly sorry? I haven't posted my whole story yet because it's still unfolding. She admitted that she had been having an A for the past 3 years but has claimed NC since March. I talked to her the other day about the NC letter I read about on this site and she refuses to write or send one to the OM. I have been keeping a close eye on her but I'm not sure she has completely cut ties with the OM, she won't tell me much about him. Should I push her for more Info?
 
#168 ·
The point of returning the ring to her with the short statement is so that she can see that he is no longer going to be her backup man and that he is putting an end to the sham marriage once and for all. He is saying, "The OM can have you with my blessings, good riddance".
 
#174 ·
Your situation is unfortunate. I have followed these threads, and I'm sure that completely lost won't do a damn thing. I have much sympathy for him, but I have seen this train wreck many times. It has become a victim's place to vent, but are too scared to do anything for whatever their fears possess. Your wife is no good and you should have divorced her a long time ago.
 
#181 ·
I'm not making light of his situation. And I also don't claim to understand what he's feeling right now. But as he stated, doesn't the fact that she's not opened up about the affair show that she doesn't have an ounce of remorse for her actions, even if he wanted to go to counselling at this point it'd be like entering the MC's office with three people him,wife and the other man.

I understand that when you're betrayed you look for a sense of closure about why a person betrayed you, but the thing is he's just exposing himself to more heart break as the days go by, digging for the truth and maybe not finding it.

And while he's doing this his wife is still stuck in her fantasy world.How about him actually going through with the divorce, maybe she'll snap out of the haze and admit everything(and by this i mean showing him all the records and emails ), they can start the process of reconciliation in earnest, if she's still in her fantasy world this is pretty good an indicator that she's really not remorseful for the hurt she's caused him
 
#182 ·
I hear what you're saying--you aren't going to believe he'll go through with the divorce until he actually does it. And maybe before I came to CWI I had a little bit of pollyanna left to believe that of COURSE he'd divorce. But some people (maybe not the OP) will stick with their abuser and apparently this is a gender-neutral choice despite the stereotypes. So only time will tell whether you will be proven right about this.

The fact that she wouldn't open up was the jumping off position for his seeking advice. I know that a VAR seems obvious now, but it isn't the first thing that springs to mind to people who actually make a POINT of not lying to human beings they love deeply.
 
#183 ·
Why set yourself for more flak when you can actually make concrete decisions into ending the marriage, its already bad that she cheated on him but hearing for himself that she loves the other man is just too painful i imagine.

The reason why he can't be decisive right now is his emotional state being fragile which is understandable and extremely sad.

But only he can stop thinking with his emotional brain and start thinking logically in order to protect himself
 
#185 ·
This is sad this is really sad. Ah but I'd recommend reading No More Mr Nice Guy by Robert Glover. This will help you man, maybe not for this relationship but for the future...its a pretty good investment i'd say.

No More Mr. Nice Guy

Just ask yourself one thing man.....what is she doing for this relationship to recover? what is she giving back to you?

Don't delay the divorce man
 
#186 ·
I am so sorry for your pain. Infidelity is not for the faint of heart.

It is hard to make rational decisions while enduring trauma and the destruction of your life and my heart goes out to you.

It is hard to see now (I have been there) but you will be happy again someday. I truly believe that the BS, who wants to R and who has been faithful, is often willing to put more into a M than the WS who chooses to run away from their problems and hurt those around them. In the end, sanity, compassion, dedication and strong values and morals will prevail and you will be happier in the long term. Your W on the other hand is heading for disaster.

While I agree with the other posters that in that you should expose the A, I understand your hesitancy. However, I urge you to tell your children at the very least. They have the right to know what their family's legacy is....Perhaps it will help them not make similar mistakes in their marriages. I don't think hiding the truth benefits anyone aside from your cheating W and she's already reaped enough benefits in all of this. I don't believe she should be protected from the consequences of her cruel and selfish actions.

Again, I am so very sorry for what you're are dealing with... ((()))
 
#187 ·
I agree with zanna , expose the affair but don't bring the children into it unless they're majors. Children suffer from major trauma this especially because it involves unfaithfulness on their mother's part.
That's something they hardly ever recover from.

Tell the in laws ,the OM's wife and her friends and yours if they don't know about it already but whatever you do don't involve the kids. She might be selfish don't stoop down to her level just to get back at her

File for divorce, don't let your indecisiveness ruin your future friend
 
#190 ·
reasons for exposure-


1) to help destroy an affair to get a WS out of the fog

moot reason here as he is proceeding towards divorce

2) to inform the AP's SO as they deserve to know

moot reason here as AP is single


3) to protect the WS from spreading lies about why the relationship ended

moot reason here, OP has no care about what friends and family think

4) to present consequence to immoral actions

WS is already getting the consequence of D, but if there's a reason for OP to expose then this is it

5) revenge

a bad reason, revenge is better served by showing his WS he will be fine and dandy without her, indifference is a much better reaction and more effective





thus I won't harp on OP to expose nor will I think he is acting scared
 
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