My husband said I should come on here to get some support since he is on here too. I don't think it would really help, but I'll do just about anything to save our marriage. It all started when I moved to help take care of my Mom after her surgery. My nursing license took several months to switch over. We needed money so my sister took me in as her apprentice in her business working as a dominatrix. At first I was very reserved, but my sister kept pushing me to be more dominate and sexy for the clients. BTW my husband knew I was doing this job. It doesn't require me to be naked. No sex or blow jobs. Eventually I became dominate. The job became exciting. Guys were telling me how beautiful I was; something my husband stopped telling me a long time ago. The guys loved the sexy outfits I wore. I thought my husband didn't like me wearing lingerie. I began to feel empowered and sexy, but the job slowly ate away at my soul. Soon it wasn't any fun. I hated doing it. I dreaded getting calls for work. I needed something more to feel better. I essentially felt like a ***** without the sex. I want so badly to get a nursing job but everyone who was interviewing me said sorry kid you don't have enough experience. I became depressed despite being on antidepressants. Then one night I walked into a bar and a guy started talking to me. He told me his ribs hurt. I told him I was a nurse and I could examine him if he wanted me to. We went back to his place and after I examined him and finding a large lump on his left ribs I suggested he get it checked by a doctor. He looked at me and kissed me. I panicked. I didn't know what to do. I asked him what are we doing?!?! I'm married! He said we're just having fun. I was taken back by this, but I immediately went into work mode. I refused to have sex with him that night. However, the next time I saw him we were both drunk (not an excuse) and we ended up having sex. I figured he had already touched me. My fate was sealed. I was officially a cheating wh*re. I had no one I could talk to about it. I was lying to my whole family and friends. After I got over the initial shock it started to feel good and exciting. I was sneaking around like I was in high school. And with my job I was living two completely different lives. I noticed the sex wasn't as good as the sex I had with my husband. I just rationalized the ok sex as he didn't know me well enough sexually. Soon I started going to see him even though I didn't want sex:trading sex for compliments, cuddles, and attention. I knew the relationship wasn't going anywhere and it never would go anywhere because I didn't want to leave my husband. I planned on ending the affair as soon as my husband moved in with me. The relationship with my lover became crappy. He was always terrible at communicating. He wouldn't reply to texts for days and he wouldn't return my phone calls. Then he didn't want me to be over at his house because his parents were getting mad. (yea I picked a winner 33 y/o and living at home still) We started getting into fights. I notice he was becoming rougher in bed. Sex started to hurt sometimes. I started to fake orgasms. I realized we were just f#cking. It meant nothing to me or to him. I broke it off with him twice but I kept going back because he'd apologize. It was at this point that I begged my husband to move to where I was. He refused saying we couldn't afford it and he had to keep working his current job to cover bills. I felt rejected. My secret life continued. I started seeing my husband in my mind when I was having sex with my lover. I stopped seeing him as much. the relationship was dying. I went back home to see my husband for a few days. I was planning on ending my affair when I got back. My lover texted me at 4 in the morning a sexually explicit text. My husband was pissed. I panicked. I didn't want my marriage to be over so I did what I thought was best. I lied. It worked, or so I thought. Later that morning he searched my computer and found incriminating evidence. How could I be so stupid as to not remember to clear my messages? When he confronted me I felt faint and like I was going to vomit. I finally told him the truth. A piece of me died. I hated to see him in pain and I caused that pain. I wanted him to punch me. I wanted to jump off our balcony and land painfully three flights down. Later I contemplated throwing myself in front of a train. Our son needed a mother so I dismissed that idea. Plus attempting suicide would hurt my husband again. And what better punishment than to live through the pain and suffering I so rightfully deserved. I contemplated cutting. I needed to hurt myself, punish myself. Cutting would only upset my husband more so I started to internalize the pain. Horrible thoughts of him leaving me, how I poison ever relationship, how I don't deserve anyone, how he should divorce me, and how I should die kept going through my head. I went from not eating to eating too much. I started chain smoking. I hid out in my room. I didn't want to go to the bars because they reminded me of my ex-lover. After I came back to my sister's house I confronted my lover. I asked him what would possess him to text me such an explicit text at 4am when he knew I was with my husband. He said he didn't know what he was thinking and that he was sorry. He said he was drunk. I was disgusted. I wanted to punch him. I told him my marriage may be over. I said it was just as much my fault because I forgot to delete my yahoo IMs but I should of never been with you in the first place. He apologized again. He said he knew there was nothing he could do to make it up to me. I told him we were over because if my husband catches me cheating again he will take my son and leave. I told him I loved my son and my husband more than I cared about him. He apologized but then he asked if I wanted to go back to his house. I said you are terrible. Again I wanted to punch him. I turned around and walked away. I changed his name as do not answer in my phone. I had already deleted him on yahoo. I had deleted him from my facebook two weeks earlier after a fight. So now my husband and I are trying to fix our relationship. We are trying to have sex more often. He is moving where I am in 21 days. I'm busting butt to find a different job. The interviews are flooding in all of a sudden. I can't wait to stop working as a dominatrix. I feel pain and remorse for what I did, but my husband doesn't think I'm miserable and remorseful. Thoughts of him leaving, never being able to trust me again, and contemplation of suicide keep going through my mind. Will it ever get better? Is our relationship doomed now? I'm a cheating piece of sh!@ wh*re. Now I understand why they stoned adulterous women.
and that wall of text is the story. Its everything she has told me, I've been to busy being mad at her to ask how she was feeling the last couple days. All she would respond with was "sorry, i dont know what to say".
Seeing as your husband has agreed to reconcile, you need to do your utmost to transfer your self pity to genuine remorse. Make your husband see that you're sorry for hurting him,not for letting yourself down, that comes later. You need to address why you decided to hook up with random men at bars who have undiagnosed, potentially serious illnesses which could've harmed you and your husband. You also need to address why you repeatedly kept sleeping with this man in your sober state knowing your husband was away trying to make a living for the both of you.
If you really, really liked us, can you please ask for paragraph breaks? It's very early here in England, I have just drunk a very strong cup of coffee (is six teaspoons of instant in a mug normal??) and my eyes nearly fell out with the wall of text!
Jokes apart, this is a sad story.
I just hope you chaps can have a happy ending. -And yes, people in England do use words like "chaps" and the phone boxes and post boxes are red, just like in the movies. Why not arrange a trip together to visit England to watch the rain?
Iowaboy Your wife needs help. She is panicking quite a bit. She is not thinking clearly at all. Suicidal thoughts, cutting herself up, stoned to death, abusing herself.
Wannabenurse, you husband is already dealing with the huge amount of betrayal and pain because of you. Now he has to be worried about your mental and physical well being. Give him one less thing to worry about.
Iowaboy, she is wracked with guilt. That said there are a few warning signs in her post.
She stayed in contact with the OM after the D-day.
There seem to some kind of parasitic relation between both of them where they feed of each other. they are likely to contact one another again. He knows her buttons all too well.
She still seems to be upset at him that he wasn't into her as much she was into him.
I think she is sugarcoating some of the stuff to make you feel much better TBH. She enjoyed the affair but is having a hard time confessing it(out of guilt I guess)
I'm sorry; but, I have no sympathy for you. Why the heck would you meet with the other man after the discovery? You should have No Contact whatsoever! Quite frankly, your job now should be to show your husband, in everyway, that you are truly remorseful and not just sad that you got caught. I am not convinced you are remorseful. You need to get out of the sex business and you need to start looking at yourself and sort out why you are so damaged that you could break your marital vows. This will not be a quick process and you need to understand that no matter what you do your husband may decide the relationship can't be saved.
dday was sunday, she went home tuesday, talked to him that night to drop off something and as she said left, her sister wasn't willing to do the drop for her.
Yeah, when she was talking to me about it that day, and she found out he tried to hook up with her sister while she was gone. She seemed surprised and upset that he would do such a thing. I was not.
Also, with our financial situation as it is we dont have any extra funds except to pay, rent, utilities, my student loans, her student loans, her car payment, and our cell phone bill. so MC is out of the question tell she gets a nursing job, as she has said she has had 3 calls this week lining up jobs, though they are in old folks homes wich is a job she has been fired from before.
You seem to be very upset that you got caught. Your reactions seem to be all about how crappy it was to get caught because you were planning to end it. It doesn't really matter that you were going to end it, because you didn't end it. You got caught. And then you contacted your lover again to gripe about him facilitating you getting caught. Hopefully, you really are remorseful and not just regretting that you got caught.
Your husband seems to want to reconcile. There are some great resources here to help you with that if you are sincere. You are in for a long, painful road. Well, at least your husband is. Good luck to you both.
Thanks for posting. Not to nitpick, but please use paragraphs breaks next time - walls of text make for difficult reads.
Alrighty. Now, picking through the annoying self-pity, I can say this: stop calling yourself a "wh@re." No one was paying you. You made some very stupid decisions. You are an unfaithful woman. A cheating spouse. Put-downs won't earn you sympathy here - remorse and devotion will.
- Dates. When did this sexual affair start and end, exactly. No BS, please. How long have you been seeing your lover.
- Have you tested yourself for STDs? Don't kid us with "I wore protection." You make no note of it, and posters here all know that affairs almost never involve condoms.
"I noticed the sex wasn't as good as the sex I had with my husband. I just rationalized the ok sex as he didn't know me well enough sexually"
I see this often. "Sorry babe. I cheated, but he sucked. he was no where near as good as you." Listen. You may be telling the truth. But you may also be trying to stroke your angry husband's ego. There had to be some reason why you had sex with this man repeatedly, so this statement doesn't hold any water.
Why, oh why, did you not just talk to your husband before things got bad? This is probably the stupidest thing about affairs, and what always sets me off. Why can't you communicate with your partner?
You claim that your lover was a bad sexual partner, but you made love to him repeatedly, even when he was supposedly harming you and when you were supposedly not enjoying the experience. You broke it off twice, and you admit it was a purely sexual relationship, but the sex sucked and you kept coming back because he said "sorry"?? I find this incredibly difficult to believe. It just makes no sense. How do you explain this?
You're clearly upset. Let me be a tad sympathetic. Instead of trying put efforts into putting yourself down, why not put effort into trying to help your husband recover.
You sound like an intelligent girl. You need to sit down with your husband and sets some rules and boundaries for your marriage. Posters here will be more than happy to direct you to books, forum posts and the like that can help you structure your marriage into something you will be proud of.
Also, make note that reconcile is a long and difficult process. Your husband will have to work on rebuilding the relationship, yes, but you will be doing most of the leg-work. You need to show him that you are completely and utterly devoted to him. You must be his partner in all things.
First of all, do not contact your lover ever again. Ever again. Send him an email/letter of no-contact, stating that you will be working on rebuilding your marriage. That you will not be corresponding with him ever again, and that any contact he attempts you will show to your husband, You will never, under any circumstances, respond to your now-ex lover.
Inform all of your family members and friends of the affair. Yes, you read that right. Tell your mom you cheated on your husband. Tell your sister, your friends, your dad, your in-laws, everyone. They need to know. Have your husband contact your lover's parents and have him tell them. Put everyone on the same page. This will stigmatize you and your lover. That's good. The farther you two are from one another, the better. It also puts you and your spouse back at square-one. You rebuild a marriage from this point on.
No more secrets, no more lies. He must have access to all your social life-lines - your phone, your email accounts, facebook, etc. All of it. Don't delete anything, and tell him everything.
There are some books that I think will help you and your husband in putting your marriage back together.
The first one is “Surviving an Affair” by Dr. Harley. The others are linked to in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage.
I'll look into the surviving an affair book for sure, the passion part wont be hard, our sex has always been good just not that frequent for the last couple years, do to chiild birth and unemployment issues. We just haven't had time to really romance each other. =