Will_Kane

From your point of view, it's a horrible way to live.

You know he wants her.

You know she "had feelings" for him.

You know they see each other every day, apparently all day.

Temptation for both of them will be there constantly.

You get to constantly wonder about whether something funny is going on behind your back until one of them leaves that job - which doesn't sound like it will be anytime soon, if ever.

How do you live like that? Come home after work every day, and ask, "Did other man try to hit on you today?" Or wonder it, and keep it to yourself, every day?

iheartlife

Speaking of what to expect from her, I forgot to mention another book in addition to Not Just Friends, which is Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend.

If you opt for marriage counseling, make sure you choose one who is educated about infidelity. We wasted 6+ mos while my husband was still secretly in contact with his emotional affair partner with a supposedly well-respected MC. Waste of money! You can't fix a marriage with 3 people in it, and you can't be sure that 3 people aren't in it as long as two EA partners have contact.

That's the hard truth that's tough to swallow.

__________________
Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass

Turning the Mind Into an Ally

jnj express

You will do what you do, it is your life after all----

2 things to do in re: her potential lover---contact his wife, tell her what kind of crap he is pulling with other women, go to HR, where your wife works, and tell them, he is hitting on multiple women, at work, and trying to break up their mge,s---they will deal with this cuz, what he is doing will mess up the work environment---and could cause them to lose good employees, such as what you are being forced to suggest to your wife, and possibly be involved in law suits if THEY do nothing.

As to you and your wife----She has already told him she likes him at some level, now he is like an unleashed dog---and he IS gonna keep on trying---he knows what he wants

Your wife is not protective of her mge/family, in that she will not agree to NC, which requires her to find another job-----offer her a one time solution to that, and put a tight time limit on it

She herself goes to H R, at work, and complains of sexual harassment----if they do not act on it, quickly, then she must leave---This is a middle of the road solution, that she should have no trouble with---if she refuses, then your mge., has a major problem

You need to find out where your wife's head is, and you better not wait very long----happily married wife's/mothers may feel an urge in re: other men---anyone who is normal, has urges---BUT THEY DO NOT ACT ON THEM---your wife has told this guy she likes him, and set him loose, he WILL PURSUE, till she weakens and he gets what he wants, cuz she refuses NC.

To protect your family/mge---you better start putting your foot down and HARD-----she needs to know from this day forward, there will be actionable consequences to her acting on her "like" for him

Lastly you MUST deal with your wife, in that she is telling other men, that she likes them---that can help NOTHING, it has/is tearing you apart, and either she doesn't care or understand, and that ain't good for this mge. either----SOMETHING DOES HAVE TO BE DONE, YESTERDAY

Shaggy

Look at the history you laid out and see how slowly, despite your wife saying she is enforcing boudaries with him, he pushes and pushes and moves those boundaries.

Right now you wife has negotiated a situation in which a man with whom she has stated she has feelings for is allow to maintain and even embracing having a ongoing relationship with. This is a man who has openly offered to have sex with her, and she didn't say she didn't want to. She said she's married.

In essence, your wife has another male that is openly competing for her affections - emotional and physical - with you her husband. And instead of walking away from him and rejecting him, she has chosen to actually keep him close and allow him to continue to try and convince her to cheat.

He's already getting her to emotionally cheat: To see him as a viable alternate choice to her husband. He's in the fold, now he only has to get in deeper with her.

And he now has daily unrestricted access both in the office and out of the office to work on her and woo her.

AND you know she actually has desire to physically be with him. You're wife has shown, that if it weren't for being married, she would be in his bed.

And she wants you to accept this, and "trust" her.

Bad bad plan on her part and yours.

You need to end this friendship of hers completely with him. Both out of respect for your marriage, and for you. She is allowing a man to pursue and woo her.

ALL contact with him must end, and if that means changing jobs, then she needs to do that.

She doesn't want to, and has lots of reasons why she shouldn't because: 1) She doesn't want to admit how far she cross boundaries already 2) She doesn't want to loose him. She wants him to pursue her.

You need to expose the OMW. It's critical to getting him to back off her.

You also need to get her to choose: You or him, and show it with real action, not the meaningless stuff she's given you so far.

Shaggy

You're wife needs to be told that it's not OK for a married woman to have a emotional BF. There are many boundaries and types of infidelity other than physical infidelity.

She has already betrayed you emotionally by first developing feelings for the OM, and second by choosing to continue a relationship with a man with whom she has those feelings.

bryanp

YOU MUST INFORM THE OM'S WIFE IMMEDIATELY.

By not doing this you are sending a clear message to him that you do not mind him asking your wife to have an affair with him. Your wife needs to look for another job if possible. It is clear that she is jealous when he flirts with another woman. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would be so accepting as you have been?

I am sorry to say that she is disrespecting you and your marriage. No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

Shaggy

You might think informing the OMW is escalating things, but this is a man who has openly propositioned your wife. He has told her will sleep with her, but she must be the one to come to him.

And she didn't knock him to the floor. She deflected and blamed the fact that she is married as why she couldn't. That's not a rejection, that's an excuse.

keko

ninja please read this part and think about it. It translates into, she wants you to stay as a husband at home to her while she bangs another man at work.

Ask her if the work or marriage is more important to her. If she says work show her the door, if she says marriage tell to quit right now if not show her the door again.

Will_Kane

From JNJ: go to HR, where your wife works, and tell them, he is hitting on multiple women, at work, and trying to break up their mge,s---they will deal with this cuz, what he is doing will mess up the work environment---and could cause them to lose good employees, such as what you are being forced to suggest to your wife, and possibly be involved in law suits if THEY do nothing.

This is some leverage to get the other man to leave the job instead of your wife having to leave. Most companies have an extreme, almost irrational fear of lawsuits, even unfounded ones, and will take decisive actions to correct situations potentially giving rise to them.

lordmayhem

I'm normally all for exposure, however, in this case, it's still a little premature - because in this instance, all ninjatastic has at this point, is his WWs word that OM is pursuing her. For OM, everything's deniable right now since there's no real evidence, and with the OM denying it, the OMW isn't going to believe a word.

And get this..for all we know, it could be ninjatastic's WW pursuing the OM. This has happened before with others, including myself. My WW tried to make out it was the OM pursuing her, when in fact, I found it was the other way around. We all know how the WS will often try to paint their own self in a good light to their BS.

So get the proof first if you plan to expose.

__________________
Welcome TAM CWI newbies- please read this
Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights
The Betrayed Spouse Script
Just Let Them Go

jnj express

Hey Mayhem----excellent point---and if that is the case---then OP, has a lot more to worry about, cuz it would then turn the other way, with his wife actively looking to cheat.

So now the real question becomes---How much CAN you trust your wife---Is she truthful---You have lived with her in this mge., are you able to tell when she is lying------all people have ways about them that show up when they lie---do you know your wife well enuff to look at her and know when she is lying?????

AngryandUsed

How are you sure about this?


Feelings for each other is a marriage killer.



Dont take blame, so easily. Have you objectively evaluated your own conclusions?



Danger.

No contact is a condition here.

jnj express

Hey Ninja---You got 2 things to deal with---1st----your wife decided that you, her vows and kids, are not that big a deal, so she went outside her mge, and told another man she likes him, which immediately brought a response from him to her---"I want you to spread your legs for me"----In all reality---she knows this guy from work only----SHE DOES NOT KNOW ONE THING ABOUT HIS PRIVATE LIFE---HE COULD BE ANY SORT OF SCUM----and he is scum, for wanting to destroy his own wife---

--he hits on other women, so he has no scruples, and your wondrous wife---opened the whole can of worms up, by saying to him, I like you--

---so you know, he is gonna keep trying till he gets what he wants----BE ASSURED --HE WON'T GO AWAY---unless MADE to do so----you have a ton of advice on what/when to do---and BELIEVE ME when I tell you, you need to move on that advice----he is with her everyday---and no matter what you wanna believe, or she tells you---there is a spark there, and it could ignite just like that----if they go physical---what you are feeling now---magnify by a million.

2nd---- I f you do wish to stay in this mge---you need to find out why you have a wife, who tells other men, she likes them---Happy, satisfied, Married wife's and mothers do not invite that kind of destruction to reign down on their families

She is way more than, "in like" I fear, as she is jealous of him showing attention to other women----I don't know what your mge., is actually like, but if for no other reason than your kids, and if, as I said above, you wanna try R---then you must find out why your wife is INVITING, another man into her/your/your kids lives.

She told him I like you----those were the words she told you---the real question is WHAT DID SHE ACTUALLY SAY TO HIM

I fear you have a bigger problem on your hands, than is showing up on the surface---and if you do not want a major storm to hit your life, and your kids lives---you MUST DEAL WITH IT, and deal with it in a manner, that leaves your wife knowing full well, there will be ACTIONABLE CONSEQUENCES---should she violate her vows/desocrate the mge/destroy the family----Ninja---like it or not---this is deadly serious business, and you better treat it as such!!!!!!!

akashNil

Perhaps this may not help, as OP has already said that "... he is having a struggling marriage and talked to my wife about it sometimes." (Although that can be a lie just to get sympathy from other women)

akashNil

Does the OM know that you are in criminal justice field? Probably not - or he would have thought twice before contacting her so often.