About a month ago a close family member of my wife confessed to my wife that she had an affair. This caused my wife to start talking to me about a guy she has worked with for several years that has been flirting with her. She said that he had been making nice comments and that she liked how it made her feel. She also said that he was good looking. She didn't go into much more detail but I became a little suspicious that there was more than what she led me to believe. She said that she told him to keep the conversations work related however he is having a struggling marriage and talked to my wife about it sometimes. She said that after telling him to keep it work related that he started being flirty with the girl who sits next to her. My wife said that it made her want to quit. I thought it was out of disgust for the infidelity the married man was showing however I feel it was more out of jealousy that my wife was experiencing. This was about a month ago.
Around a week ago I confronted my wife and asked if anything else was going on. She said that she had stopped talking to him but he continued to ask her what she was mad about and why she wouldnt talk. She told him that she thought he was having an affair with the other woman and he denied any involvement with her. They continued to talk on the phone and both admitted that they had feelings for each other. My wife told him that she was married and could not act on it. He said that he would cheat on his wife with my wife but she would have to make the first move. The phone records showed that it was a 23 minute conversation so I imagine it was a little more in depth than this. She has answered every question I have asked. I asked her if she still had feelings for him and she said "yes". I told her that she needed to confront him at work and end the relationship/friendship. She said that she spoke to him and said nothing was going to happen and everything needed to stop. She said that he accepted this and even offered a suggestion to help limit their contact. She did not end the friendship though. She said since she works with him it would just be awkward.
The fact that she developed feelings for him has crushed my world. I know that I worked alot and didn't fulfill my role as a husband but I'm having such a difficult time with this. She wants to keep her job and wants to remian friends with this turd. Everyone has told her to get out of the situation. A few days later she said that it is over and doesn't seem as appealing anymore. I just can't get past her still being around him. I've been flip flopping on her keeping her job. She has been stubborn about it. Its a good job, she has been there 8 years, and if she leaves I know she will be unhappy. I love my wife and hate to see her unhappy.
Can anyone give me any advice. I'm hurting and struggling so much with this. If she keeps this job will I ever heal and trust her again knowing that she still works with this guy and has contact on a daily basis. Am I being selfish asking her to leave her job? If she does leave her job will it make things better?
Call and inform the wife immediately. Ask your wife to choose him or you. Tell her that you cannot be in a marriage that has 3 people in it.
Make you get the entire truth about their affair. You may have to snoop to know the complete extent of the affair to make a proper decision. Install a key logger on the home computer. Office affairs are very convenient and can escalate quickly. If it was a physical affair, you would need to get tested for STDs.
How was your sex life during this time?
She will have to start looking for jobs at other places. She broke your trust and changing the job is a consequence. If she cannot/won't do that the affair will most probably resume and if it won't, it will not help the marriage
I have told her that she needs to chose between two married men. She said that she chooses me no contest. As for what went on I feel like she has been honest. I'm in the criminal justice field and the first few conversations went more like an interrogation and I am comfortable with her truthfulness. I'm confident that it came out before anything physical happened. The only deceptiveness I have seen was the morning after she told me I asked her to call in sick to work and stay home which she did. I then left and went to work. The next morning I checked the phone records and saw that he sent her a text, she replied, then he sent another shortly after I went to work. I checked her phone and they had been deleted. I confronted her and she said that his said "you alive?" since she called in sick. She said that her reply was "yes" and his reply was "ok". I have no way to look at the texts but I bluffed her and said that I could. She remained adamant thats all they said. This conversation took place while she was getting ready for work on the day that she told him everything was over.
She has fallen into an infatuation with him. He's in her head now. This is bad.
Watch her like a hawk. Install a keylogger on the computer she uses to see if she is e-mailing him. Plant a VAR under the seat of her car. If she is calling him, she is doing it while she is driving.
If you are in criminal justice, see if you can get a friend who runs criminal checks to run an NCIC on him. See if you can dig up dirt on this guy.
I'm in the criminal justice field and the first few conversations went more like an interrogation and I am comfortable with her truthfulness.
I won't bother you with this again but she is your wife, so she knows you. Don't let your profession blindside you. Every poster that was cheated upon and posted in this forum considered themselves and their spouse a special case. It often isn't. So, don't be naive. After the first time, the lying and deception become easier.
What kind of phone does she have? You can recover texts if it is a smartphone. Smart phones have in application chat programs that don't show texts on your account. They can chat over the internet. You should try to recover the texts somehow(the older texts too)
Inform the guys wife on what he did. It should kill the affair pretty fast..Have you confronted the guy? Threaten to expose the guy to HR. If you wife sides with what she told you, they will have a potentila sexual harassment case at hand and he will be a liability.
They continued to talk on the phone and both admitted that they had feelings for each other. My wife told him that she was married and could not act on it. He said that he would cheat on his wife with my wife but she would have to make the first move.
Your wife should not stay at that job or maintain a friendship with another man (OM) now that she has expressed her feelings to him, and now that he has told her that he is open to sleeping with her if she makes the first move. I find it interesting that your wife was thinking about quitting her job and was willing to be unfriendly with the OM when she though that the OM was cheating with another coworker, but does not want to give up the job or the friendship with the OM for you (and her marriage) now that the OM has assured her that he has not been cheating. Her loyalties are out of alignment. Her relationship with the OM is way over the line.
You must put your foot down now and take whatever anger goes your way over this. If it continues you may not be able to stop it later and you would rue the day that you did not take action when you still could. The downside of taking action now pales by comparison of what could happen if you let it continue. And remember it is not your fault that she needs to change jobs and end the friendship. It is 100% on her. Do not let her try to make you feel otherwise. She is in an EA fog that has made her lose her moral compass. Do not let her be your guide as to what is the right thing to do.
Finally, install a keylogger on your home computer if you own it. Again, you marriage will be at risk if she stays at the job. That is her consequence for betraying the marriage. Give her a time limit to change jobs of her choosing. You cannot have her work at the same place as the OM. Either he quits or she quits. This is go bad unless you react fast.
Also continuing the friendship should be a deal breaker. Continuing a friendship with the guy who proposed to cheat on you is highly disrespectful. Tell her that she has more problems in her life like the marriage ending than to worry that things might get awkward at work. Actually that statement is pissing me off. You need to establish strong boundaries here. Ask her if she would like it if you remained friends with a woman who proposed to cheat with you.
Find a good marriage counselor. Your marriage is in deep sh!t
Ninjatastic I'm in your world right now. Maybe a couple of weeks ahead. No contact is a must get her to leave her job. I had big rows about no contact but hang on in there. Whatever happens to you or me I wish you well - stay strong.
If your like me your thinking why bother - I'm trying for the kids.
You need to get a copy of the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.
Infatuation is a powerful emotion, it is no joke. It only takes two or three weeks for someone to feel this way.
Confiding in someone about the troubles in your marriage is probably the #1 way that people fall into infatuation with someone outside the marriage. The two people play the role of "rescuer" for each other and they are off to the races.
Do not think your marriage is different or that your wife is special. Cheaters learn to lie to themselves first about the nature of their relationship and then start to hide things from their spouse. Eventually they learn to lie better and better. It is the nature of the beast.
Infatuation and emotional affairs are very powerful. Many married people haven't felt this way for quite some time and they will do all they can to protect their fantasy. Learn from the mistakes of others, do not think you are superior and that none of these incredible efforts to hide their 'precious' don't apply to you.
I have recently been through a similar situation. Happily married for 18 years. H started a 'freindship' with a co worker and within 3 weeks he was in love with her and my marriage was in pieces!
EAs are powerfully things. They are brainwashing. Listen to the people here. They know what they are talking about! I didn't listen, I didn't expose, the EA went underground, my H moved out and the EA turned PA. the OWHs exposed the A and within 3 weeks it was over. My H finished it and now we are R .
She must stop working there
You must expose to OMW!
Trust but verify
And remember your W is probably still deep in her A fog,
Read up on the stickies
Good luck Posted via Mobile Device
Ninjatastic I'm in your world right now. Maybe a couple of weeks ahead. No contact is a must get her to leave her job. I had big rows about no contact but hang on in there. Whatever happens to you or me I wish you well - stay strong.
If your like me your thinking why bother - I'm trying for the kids.
But you should be trying for you and your wife, so should she. Your kids will be grown and gone one day and what will you do then? Happy parents, happy kids, it's not the other way around.
Don't mean to sound harsh, that's not my intention. Posted via Mobile Device
I can tell you what I had to do. You have two choices you do not have to make the decision now but it will all come down to this one decision.
You can get a divorce (I think that just immediately making this decision is a poor one) I think that its a poor one because it closes the other door immediately
You can choose to try and reconcile, you can still change your mind at any time and opt for the other answer. If you love your wife and want to try and stay together you need to tell her what you expect from her. If she is not willing to do the things that you need then go to counseling a couple of times and ask again. If she is still not willing to meet the demands that you need in order to get through it then start thinking more about the divorce side.
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emotional affair advice 
