Complexity: I also think that was a cry for something as well. Given that hug and the fact that she has had ample opportunity to leave, even with me telling her that I would leave and continue to pay for the house and bills (don't bash me here, I have kids to think about too) she hasn't said anything other than "I don't know how to process all this" or "Why do you only want to work on it when I have thrown in the towel"
warlock07: She should because she knows she is loved. But that is her decision to make, I can't make it for her. As far as my breaking point.. Through this whole thing, I am surprised I haven't found it yet. I used to have a VERY short temper.. I would have thrown her stuff out the window the first time I found out what she had done. Mentally, I have passed my point, emotionally, I am still hanging on although I don't know how or why anymore
warlock07: She should because she knows she is loved. But that is her decision to make, I can't make it for her. As far as my breaking point.. Through this whole thing, I am surprised I haven't found it yet. I used to have a VERY short temper.. I would have thrown her stuff out the window the first time I found out what she had done. Mentally, I have passed my point, emotionally, I am still hanging on although I don't know how or why anymore
Se wouldn't because she does not need to. You seem to put up with it and the inconvenience is minor. Cry some more once in a while and shift the blame on you.
GhostRydr: I sure wouldn't nominate myself for man of the year. Maybe I am a walking definition of insanity. Her first marriage ended because her Ex was a complete a**hole. An alcoholic, treated her like crap and would come home and pass out. (I knew him, so it isn't just her side)
warlock07: after the first PA, I will admit that I shielded her from the backlash of friends and family. But that was the extent of it. I was concerned that people would not see her the same or look down on her. I did it out of love, and looking back, probably shouldn't have.
Ok, I just went over your story again. You have a very serious problem showing attention to your wife. I think you've downplayed just how important it is to her and I notice she's repeatedly warned you about it. Don't take this the wrong way, but I think you went into this marriage with a very immaturish attitude, not in relation to being a provider but to what you're expected of as a husband. I think alot women connote lack of attention with a lack of love and that has built up a lot of resentment and probably brought back memories of her ex.
She also played the friend card.. I thought I handled it pretty well.. She said, Even after all this, I still want you to be my friend.
So, I replied.. considering how things have gone between us so far, why would I want to be friends with you? I am ran through the gutter and am taken advantage of. Friendship is not about what you can get from someone. That didn't go over so well..lol
Complexity: I would agree with that.. She has brought it up numerous times.. and I thought I was giving her the attention she needed. You're right, I didn't give her what she needed, and she looked for it somewhere else. She found it, and when I told her I could do it and lets try again, I still didn't do it right. It isn't that she expects too much from me, it's that I don't understand what it is she needs. If I would have realized that years ago, I don't think our marriage would be in the state it is in now. That leads to the communication that she isn't getting from me. I wish she would, and have told her to, grab me by the ears and say "LOOK, THIS IS MY PROBLEM, THIS IS WHAT I NEED!" but she hasn't. She still says that I don't do them.. I just don't understand how I am supposed to. And she doesn't want to tell me what I actually need to do to be the husband she needs. That's where the counseling would help. But, now she refuses to go. I think that if I started going and invited her each time, she would eventually come around and go. But, I am not willing to turn a blind eye to the fact that she still talks to this guy and may have plans to meet up again.
I refuse to be a plan B and I also refuse to move forward with our relationship if she is going to have someone else as a plan B.. it's all or nothing.
I also told here a week ago that we either start working on our marriage or we cut it where it is and walk away.
So long as there's a 3rd person in this relationship and she refuses to give him up then there can never be any reconciliation. I think you should begin the divorce proceedings (which you can cancel at anytime) and see if she comes around then. If she doesn't, then there's no point flogging a dead horse.
Agree completely on the 3rd person.. and will not be willing to work on things if she says she wants to if he is still lingering around, better hidden or the same.
But, Like I said before.. I don't know that I am ready to be the one that pulls the plug on this. No matter what happens If we work things out or walk away, I have be a better man when I come out on the other side. Either for her or someone else.
Part of my problem might be because I don't understand the cheater mentality. Numerous times I have had the opportunity, when times were good and when they were bad at home. I have never even thought " hey, this is a good way to get some pleasure. My response is "No, I'm married and I love my wife." It has never been "Sorry, I am married" In that situation, the sorry sounds more like "I would, but don't want to get in trouble"
Maybe it's just me, but I don't even think about how life would be if I hadn't met her or got married. I don't see life that way. There are only forks in the road in front of you.. the road behind is always straight.
And I am sorry that I am hashing every thought on here.. but honestly, I have nobody else to talk to about it. Wife isn't rational about it, she can only see her side. Mother in Law wants to stay out of it and a friend that I could talk to has the mentality of "screw them before they screw you". You guys are complete strangers and have more input than any of them.
So, I am glad this board is here and that members here are taking the time out of their own lives to listen to mine. It actually means a lot to me that someone is out there, listening and can understand where I am at and can lend advise at to where I should head.
and I thought I was giving her the attention she needed. You're right, I didn't give her what she needed, and she looked for it somewhere else. She found it, and when I told her I could do it and lets try again, I still didn't do it right. It isn't that she expects too much from me, it's that I don't understand what it is she needs.
PM, have you ever thought that maybe you can't give her what she needs. Some women just need the attention of lots of men. It appear she is one of these and unfortunately she got her hooks into you. One guy isn’t enough for her. But you need to remember one thing that will always be true no matter what you're lead to believe. When a woman commits adultery, its always her fault.
There are millions of spouses, men and women, who have not have had their "emotional needs" satisfied by their spouses in a very long time and yet they never cheat on them. Why? Because they have refused to cross marital boundaries which would have left them vulnerable to having an affair. Now in your case, you could have come to being the perfect husband and yet your wife would still have cheated on you because she is a woman who doesn't care about violating marital boundaries. Blaming yourself for her serial cheating is ludicrous.
I have said before.. I do not accept the blame for her cheating.. and I never will. That was a decision she made without me. The only thing I can accept blame for are my own short comings that pushed her away. When she fell into another guys bed, that isn't my fault. It is possible that no matter how perfect a husband I was or wasn't she would have strayed anyway. Naturally, I would like to believe that she wouldn't have. But that is because I love her and want to think she is an honest person. It is obvious that she isn't an honest person, but it is also obvious that I didn't do my part to fulfill her needs as a husband, partner and/or friend.
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Re: My miserable story.. where to go from here? 
