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Infidelity is a violation of the most basic condition of marriage. In most wedding vows, “forsaking all others,” is the only real promise that’s made. When you marry, the overriding condition that is mutually accepted is that you won’t have an affair. When that condition is broken, the marriage is threatened at its very core. That’s why spouses who have recovered after an affair should make new vows to each other, in effect reestablishing their marriage.
So when a betrayed spouse asks for advice, the position taken is that infidelity is the greatest betrayal of all. After an affair, trust -- an essential ingredient in marriage -- is dashed. If the unfaithful spouse is offended by being exposed, so be it. Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. From experience exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."
In your case there is no reason to hold back , your wife's coworkers probably suspect, know and your wife may be gas lighting you to them.
Your marriage can survive her anger, her embarrassment , her shame it cannot survive the presense of the OM. Posted via Mobile Device
as I already suggested, get the book Not Just Friends ASAP.
If you go to MC, you need to do your research and make sure they are pro-marriage and trained in infidelity. Use the book Not Just Friends as a litmus test, it was written by a nationally recognized researcher in infidelity and is a soup to nuts explanation of how affairs start, function, and end. Ask your counselor if they've read it and if not (and you don't have other good options) hand them a copy.
Our excellent MC pulled his copy of the shelf for my husband to read (I was already familiar with the book).
MC is worthless if there are 3 people in the marriage, however. She would in all likelihood have to be out of contact with the OM for as much as 6 to 8 weeks for the strong effects of their attraction to wear off. They are not "in love," because love is an emotion you have for someone in a relationship that has been tested by the trials of real life. Infatuation, on the other hand, is all about avoiding conflict, finding your supposed commonalities, and endless affirmation and validation.
MC is HARD WORK. It requires the two parties to bare their souls and expose their vulnerabilities to each other. Fantasies are a ton of fun and way more fun than MC. She has every motivation to maintain the fantasy and to string you along. She is yanking you back and forth because she wants to have her cake and eat it too, the security of marriage to someone she took life-long vows to remain faithful to, while the fun and frolic of a BF on the side.
My own painful first-hand knowledge involves 6+ months of my husband secretly maintaining his affair while we went to MC. That MC, while expensive and well-respected, never once asked my husband if he was still in contact nor did he suggest that I verify NC nor did he ask my husband the hard questions of why he thought it was appropriate to breach marital boundaries by becoming involved with someone outside of our marriage.
Our marriage only got back on track, and made leaps and bounds in improvement via MC (to where it's the best it's ever been) once the AP was entirely out of the picture.
Apparently they got into a fight a few weeks ago on chat because she thinks he has a gf or ex still living with him and he wasn't honest about it. I told her she is probably just a side project for him...In any event, I can't find any evidence if he does have a gf or not...
Looks like she is almost in a "committed" relationship with this other guy. Why else would the existence of a gf/ex bother her so much. She probably perceives it as "cheating". That is the reason I asked "are you sure its not PA yet?"
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Originally Posted by Colorado Chris
But she admits that when we have been fighting, the OM has been trying to pressure her to leave the marriage, etc.
And yet she continues to stay in contact with him!!!!
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Originally Posted by Colorado Chris
I'm at my wits end with her but at the same time I dread the thought of being alone indefinitely.
Let that not be a reason to tolerate this non sense. You got to put your foot down and give her an ultimatum. And if she doesn't listen ... ask yourself if you really want to continue taking this and stay with her?
With respect to exposing her on FB, I think it you are considering working it out with her, this would be a bad move. It can get her in trouble and she will loose any interest to get back with you. It could get ugly. However, in my opinion you can contact the other guy and give him a piece of your mind. Tell him who the H is and ask him to stay away from your W. You might want to tell him that you are capable of exposing HIM if he doesn't leave your wife alone.
Oh yeah a man should really be afarid of upsetting the OM who is trying to bang his wife.
And whatja do about the next OM, or the one after that. Blame it on the other man if you like, but the wife the one that's apparently lost interest in her old man. Guys always attack the other man in these situations. They forget that their wives led the other man on. The wives didn't tell the other man, "look I appreciate the compliments, but I'm in love with my husband, so you need to get lost". She is digging the excitement. Hence, if your wife cannot resist the attention of another man, you've got bigger problems than the another man. If your wife's involved in an affair, it means she doesn't love you.
And whatja do about the next OM, or the one after that. Blame it on the other man if you like, but the wife the one that's apparently lost interest in her old man. Guys always attack the other man in these situations. They forget that their wives led the other man on. The wives didn't tell the other man, "look I appreciate the compliments, but I'm in love with my husband, so you need to get lost". She is digging the excitement. Hence, if your wife cannot resist the attention of another man, you've got bigger problems than the another man. If your wife's involved in an affair, it means she doesn't love you.
It's not about blaming it on the OM.
It's about getting the spouse to exit THIS affair so that quality marriage counseling and individual counseling can occur.
You could dump your current cheating spouse and move on. But if you contributed to vulnerabilities in the marriage, you're taking your problems with you.
You could try to go to MC while the affair is on. Anyone who would like to do this, I can send you my paypal account where you can deposit the money for several months' sessions of MC, rather than go to MC--because the effect will be precisely the same.
Break up the affair--as I did with my husband--and then MC can truly be insightful and the marriage can vastly improve and yes, be happy again.
edited to say, of course everyone doesn't get the fairytale ending (me either) but if the OP wants to try for R, then they should get that chance.
And whatja do about the next OM, or the one after that. Blame it on the other man if you like, but the wife the one that's apparently lost interest in her old man. Guys always attack the other man in these situations. They forget that their wives led the other man on. The wives didn't tell the other man, "look I appreciate the compliments, but I'm in love with my husband, so you need to get lost". She is digging the excitement. Hence, if your wife cannot resist the attention of another man, you've got bigger problems than the another man. If your wife's involved in an affair, it means she doesn't love you.
Dude. Stop it. This is not about fear. It is about taking the steps to save his marriage. Her AP is not his friend. He owes him nothing but pain. He cannot work on the relationship while the affair goes on.
They are both culpable. Not sure why some folks are always defending predators.
It does take an understanding of EAs.
I am actually being very nice about this on this forum. Forum guidelines.
Trust me in real life I would be all pale horse with this guy. This does not take blame from the wife however. Would I take her back? I don't know. I have tighter boundaries than most here. Life has taught me this. But I would not put up with this for another minute. I would blow it up and sort it out afterwards. On my terms. All carnage is on the affair partners.
Oh and if there is a next OM. She is history. In fact if this is more than an EA, I would not R personally. The intent is to stop it from going on to a PA.
And whatja do about the next OM, or the one after that.
I would hope the humiliation of having been exposed to everyone: friends, family, co-workers, would be enough to keep my spouse from doing it again. Had my first EA been exposed to everyone, instead of my husband rug-sweeping, I don't believe I would have become involved in another EA. No, I can't speak for certain, but I believe that to be true.
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Blame it on the other man if you like, but the wife the one that's apparently lost interest in her old man. Guys always attack the other man in these situations.
Same can be said for women attacking the OM. However, as much as it hurt that a woman I believed to be a friend made a play for my husband, I blame him for letting her continue it. I blame him for taking our marital woes to her instead of talking to me about them. And, yes, I blame myself for doing the exact same damn thing to him. Tho the EA partners knew we were married, they still went in for the kill. They exploited our vulnerabilities. Yes, I know, we were willing participants, but I don't believe any of it would have happened had we just spoken with each other about our problems instead of going outside the marriage, seeking help from those who didn't have our best interests in mind.
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They forget that their wives led the other man on. The wives didn't tell the other man, "look I appreciate the compliments, but I'm in love with my husband, so you need to get lost". She is digging the excitement.
Yes, she is. I know the attention I was craving from my husband was lacking. So, I accepted the attention of other men. All online, never in real life. It was very exciting to have someone tell me I was beautiful, that I was a sweetheart, etc. I wasn't getting that from my husband. I'm not saying this is the case with Chris (the original poster), but that is how I was feeling when I went thru this. It is a high, much like a drug. She feels euphoric. Someone finds her beautiful. It is VERY exciting.
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Hence, if your wife cannot resist the attention of another man, you've got bigger problems than the another man. If your wife's involved in an affair, it means she doesn't love you.
Yes, there are bigger problems. The OM is just a symptom of those problems. And they need to work that out, if they want any chance of fixing their marriage, they need to get to the root of the problem.
About the not loving tho... you are saying I don't love my husband. And that couldn't be further from the truth. I love that man more than anything. I was stupid. I didn't cope well with diagnoses he received. It was all on me, yes. But if I didn't love my husband, there is no way we could be working things out NOW. And the same goes for him and his EA. And, no, I am not calling the EAs "mistakes". They were conscious decisions, even if we didn't recognize where they were leading in the beginning. But, hey, it's been only two months since my husband and I both opened up about the EAs. We still have a long way to go. I'm just glad that fog lifted before we ended our marriage.
It's about getting the spouse to exit THIS affair so that quality marriage counseling and individual counseling can occur.
Break up the affair--as I did with my husband--and then MC can truly be insightful and the marriage can vastly improve and yes, be happy again.
I'll go along with that. I had two observations. First, if you try to end the affair by embarrassing the two, it can come back on you. I was implying that a notification to 20-30 of their co-workers may result in "private" email and pictures to 20-30 co-workers. You may or may not care. A better approach would be private communication with the other party.
Second, calling the OM a scumbag loser who goes after married women could be correct (hasn't happened on this thread but it has happened). But remember who went for his advances and who may have well been the aggressor.
This is why we suggested he go to HR and maybe contact some folks at work privately.
Not sure what could come back on him. The fact is that he is losing his wife now. That trumps all else IMO. He will be just fine if he takes action. If he has no fear. Just purpose.
Second, calling the OM a scumbag loser who goes after married women could be correct (hasn't happened on this thread but it has happened). But remember who went for his advances and who may have well been the aggressor.
This is a valid point I was going to mention myself. Don't be too sure your wife isn't the aggressor.
That means that you have to be very careful how the email is worded. But that's all it means.
Cheaters take advantage of BSs being embarrassed and ashamed--when they are the ones who are loyal and true to their vows! Cheaters COUNT on this. They expect it. What they don't expect is being called out by the simple unembellished truth. Not histrionics or exaggerations or emotional pleas. A sentence or two suffices. There is no "blowback" from this except fury from the WS.
And I told my husband more than a couple of times,* that if he even dared to think that exposure was in the same league as what he'd done, the marriage was OVER and he was not to waste another minute of my time.
*(Just to clarify--this was obviously after the affair ended for good. My husband was very deeply affected by exposure. BTW, he didn't care and still doesn't who of MY friends I tell. He mainly cared about the opinions of his family and protecting the AP.)
her co-workers already know - sending them any correspondence will have no effect whatsoever, they won't want to get involved (who would??)
HR probably already know - my director of HR told me they know ALL SORTS about affairs that happen in the workplace and we have over 6000 staff. You sound like you're talking about a pretty small organisation
me? I'd dump her - I find the thought of an emotional affair worse than a physical affair anyway. Once the trust has gone that's it for me
you won't be alone indefinitely, you'll find someone else, someone who respects you and deserves your respect in return
And whatja do about the next OM, or the one after that. Blame it on the other man if you like, but the wife the one that's apparently lost interest in her old man. Guys always attack the other man in these situations. They forget that their wives led the other man on. The wives didn't tell the other man, "look I appreciate the compliments, but I'm in love with my husband, so you need to get lost". She is digging the excitement. Hence, if your wife cannot resist the attention of another man, you've got bigger problems than the another man. If your wife's involved in an affair, it means she doesn't love you.
What is the problem with waging war on the OM? It does not mean the wife is off scott free.
This does not seem to be a terribly difficult concept. Expose her and do whatever you can to make his life uncomfortable, as well. Pretty easy, really.
OM are co-conspirators. Who cares if they are viewed as slightly less culpable than the cheater? One can easily attack the OM and still hold the cheating wife responsible.
I find the thought of an emotional affair worse than a physical affair anyway. Once the trust has gone that's it for me
you won't be alone indefinitely, you'll find someone else, someone who respects you and deserves your respect in return
I figure an "emotional" affair is nothing but a euphemism for what should be called a "romantic" affair. Think about it. What's worse, a quick fifteen minute romp in a supply closet or a three month "emotional affair" with hundreds of phone calls and text message, many from your home computer while the spouse is asleep, expressing love, affection, sexual innuendo, and discussing what's missing from your marriage and how you wish both your "situations" weren't fettering you.
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Re: Exposing Emotional Affair - should I? 
