I really need some advice, but this is a long one...
I'm 22, my girlfriend is 21, but we have been together since she was 14 and I was 15, high school sweethearts. we were each other's firsts, and waited 9 months before we gave each other to ourselves. Part of me regrets it because of what has happened recently, but I don't know if we would have lasted this long without sex anyways, since we were going to wait until we finish college in 2 years to get married.
But here is the issue. We have been together all of these years, and so we have grown up together only knowing what its like to be with each other. That is fine with me, I love her dearly, and she means everything to me. The problem is, over the last 6 months we have had a couple arguments and she has mentioned that she is interested in "taking a break", and she even told me that she never planned on being the type of person who only ever slept with 1 person. She said she loves me, but at the same time, she has always wondered what it would be like to have sex with other people. When she told me that I started crying because of the obvious reasons; 1. Does this mean she really doesn't love me? 2. Does this mean she doesn't find me attractive anymore? 3. Have I done something wrong sexually to drive her away? etc, etc.
This all started in January, I had been away at college, about 30 minutes from home, and she was still attending a local CC with the intention of joining me at the college in the fall. things were going well, or so I thought, and one morning I was on the phone with her and things seemed off and she seemed unusually distant, so I asked if things were ok, and she told me she didn't know, and so I asked if she was mad at me and what I had done and she again stated she didnt know, then she revealed to me that she had recently met another guy and had been talking to him. She claimed she had met him at a starbucks, but then I found out that she had in fact met him on a dating site and she told me that she had only talked to him a few times but she was interested and this is when she brought up the situation I mentioned earlier about wanting to have sex with someone else. We talked it out and I told her she needed to decide what was more important, the life we have built together so far or trying sex with some random guy. She made the logical choice and chose me, but we both admitted that we needed to work on our relationship since she said she only did it because she felt she wasn't getting the same attention as I used to give her, very valid, so I promised to fix it.
things were rocky but improving and then about a week after I moved back home, things seemed off again, so I asked her and she told me right away that that guy had texted her again two days ago and she had been talking to him again. I was extremely upset, but she assured me that he had initiated the conversation and that she wasn't talking about anything sexual with him, like she had discussed with him before, though it never went past just talking about it before. I insisted that if she wants to stay with me she can't talk to him. She agreed and we talked it out.
It turns out this whole thing, she claims, was sparked by something that happened when we were still in High School, about a year and a half into our relationship I was very close to infidelity, and we actually split up for a few hours because I did not want to cheat on her, but as soon as I broke it off I realized how stupid I was for doing so and begged her to forgive me and take me back. She did but told me I had to regain her trust. Apparently, I hadn't done it well enough because this was why she had done what she had done.
So we agreed that we had trust issues and we both promised that we would start this all over again, full trust, don't break it, and I would promise to be nicer and more romantic like in the beginning.
So last night, she fell asleep after I stimulated her, and received nothing in return. While she slept, I slipped up and broke the trust and snooped through her phone. the night before she had slept over at a girlfriend's house and she had told me that night that they were on ChatRoulette talking to 2 guys. Her friend pretty much is on there 4-5 times a week, in her words, it's her own personal porn. When my girlfriend told me, I made her promise that she wouldn't give out her number because her friend has a bad habit of handing out my gf's number on these sites. But when I checked my girlfriends phone I noticed a contact in her message history that said CR Jason, meaning ChatRoulette Jason. I read through some of the messages and it was nothing but talk about sex, ****s, boobs, etc. There was even a picture exchange of his **** and my gf's boobs(though they were covered in a bra), it was a picture she had sent me months before. I woke her up and started yelling and asking her "what the **** is this ****?" she claims that it was her friend texting the guy and that she had fallen asleep by the time her friend had done this, which correlates with what she had told me the night before when we talked before she went to bed, but it's still bugging me because it was on HER phone. I asked about the picture and she said that her friend knew that her and I had sent pictures back and forth, so she just got one without her face in it.
Pile of that up and top it off with this, she is having issues getting tuition loans so she is considering enlisting in the Air Force, which would take her away for basically 4 years. I love her so much, but I couldn't handle her being away, is this because she wants to get away? or does she really feel she has no other options left, she has never mentioned the military until about 3 days ago.
I just don't know what to do, given the past 6 months of what you just read about. Things were going great again until last night, she seems like she is telling the truth, but it scares me to think that she could be cheating. She even told me that things were getting much better and that I was doing so much better to make her love me again, until all this happened, because now she feels like I don't trust her because I looked through her phone without asking, and that the timing was just bad because she claims it was her friend using her phone to text this guy(she claims she allowed her friend to use her phone because her friend is still on a phone plan with her parents so she doesn't want her parents to see she is talking to random people when the bills come). I love her so much, but I don't want her to be with me if she is going to cheat because of stuff she warned me about
She wants to spread her wings and date other guys, and why not, at her age? You aren't married, and I hope you are not even remotely considering marriage.
If you love her, I think you should break up. If you guys are meant to be, you'll find your way back to each other, but she wants to see other guys. That's just the way it is, and honestly, there's nothing wrong with that-- she's not even old enough to order a beer yet, she's hardly old enough to make a wise choice re a life partner. The Air Force sounds like it would be a good choice for her -- both financially and education-wise, and I hope that you wouldn't stand in her way because of your "love".
2 things...We have been together for 7 years now...so marriage has been in the cards, but we were waiting 2 more years to finish college...and this is a technicality, but shes 21 and im 22...both of us can order alcohol...though I have obstained from it for the past 6 months because of the damage it had done to my lifestyle
my problem also, is that if we break up, I don't know if I could handle the process of reconciliation. It would always tear me up inside to know that she had slept with someone else...this is not to say I would only date virgins if we split, I'm well aware that too many people do not keep their virginity until marriage anymore, but there would just be something about knowing that she slept with me, went and slept with a few other people and then came back to me...I just don't understand why she feels the urge to have sex with multiple partners...isn't sex supposed to be for people who love each other?
Well, she's young. She wants to know what's out there.
Whether you could ever reconcile is a question for the future. Right now what you need to think about is the present, and I would strongly urge you to think about what it would be like to marry a woman who was always wondering what she missed out on.
I don't mean to be unkind to you, but I think she is clearly not ready to make a commitment to you. That doesn't make her a bad person, but it does make her a bad choice for marriage (or even engagement) right now.
totally agree with Lamaga here - you've been together since you were 15, neither of you have really experimented and she's realised that there's a whole world out there she wants to explore
an attitude like yours is quite a rare one these days - not a bad thing per se but you need to find someone who feels the same about love and relationships and sex as you do. Your girlfriend clearly doesn't
x
But what does this say about me though? Doesn't it make sense that if someone has only one type of experience and it is a positive one that they wouldn't want to risk losing it? does this mean I am a poor lover? Admittedly, I dont always give 100%, but I do try very hard to ensure that she is satisfied...as I mentioned, last night I made sure she was plenty take care of and then I received nothing in return, though we have both had this happen a few times, though probably 99% of the time, we both return the favor
Scared, no, it doesn't say anything about you. You could be the sexiest, wealthiest, buffest guy in the world, and this girl right now would be wondering what else was out there. This has nothing to do with you, and I'm sure you are loving and delightful. This has to do with her maturation process.
Is it possible that she can come around and see things from my perspective?...I'm a hopeless romantic, so anything than can be done to make the love stay I am willing to do. I love her so much, and I'm willing to make any moves in order to keep our love alive! She changed my life forever, I always planned on being fairly promiscuous until her and I got together and got serious and I knew what we had was real love
I don't mean to patronise but you really are too cute
listen to us, we are wise old birds - there is nothing wrong with you, but she might be feeling a bit smothered by you
The smother comment though. Very valid, and that becomes another question, she had mentioned that, and it is a valid claim, is there a way to give her the space to prevent the smothered feelings while also keeping her from sleeping around? because thats the other fear I have is that she goes to sleep around to see what other people are like, and more than finding someone else, I fear she doesn't rationally realize how risky sex can be...what if she sleeps with someone and isn't careful and ends up with a STD or pregnant with someone who wasn't supposed to be anything more than a 1 night stand. To me, sex is to risky and intimate to do casually with random people
Newstip -- you cannot keep her from sleeping around if she wants to sleep around.
That's a really hard thing to face, and the sooner you get to facing it, the better. And if you have any suspicions at all, you should be using condoms.
we always use condoms...I am not suspicious of her actually cheating on me, she has always promised me that she would never cheat, she has always maintained that if she were to ever actually do anything she would make sure we broke up first. My suspicion is more in the fear that she lines something up and breaks up with me and is already sleeping around the next day...and i feel an emotional affair can be almost worse than just a random hookup...i dont know if any of that makes sense...lol
Well, she's young. She wants to know what's out there. Whether you could ever reconcile is a question for the future. Right now what you need to think about is the present, and I would strongly urge you to think about what it would be like to marry a woman who was always wondering what she missed out on.
I don't mean to be unkind to you, but I think she is clearly not ready to make a commitment to you. That doesn't make her a bad person, but it does make her a bad choice for marriage (or even engagement) right now.
I wish you well.
Sure, but this doesn't give her the right to cheat.
There's a difference between not wanting to settle down with the OP and actually cheating on him.
I'm not saying she should get married to the OP or keep on with the relationship but WHY THE HELL CHEAT ON HIM?!!
She should have broken up first and then she would be free to date whoever she wanted to.
The relationships that have started off at a very very young age and which have lasted for many years are prone to break ups because both parties grow up, they are in a constant changing and they learn new things about theirselves/desires and so on.
There's nothing wrong with that.
But cheating is wrong and what she did was very unfair.
You should have let her go and she should have been more honest with you.
__________________ Davelli0331:If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
Last edited by lovelygirl; 06-03-2012 at 02:44 PM.
Lonely Girl, thank you, I feel you truly get me, though she never ACTUALLY slept with anyone else, and I agree with you, as we grow older, we change who we are, and I feel though her and I are very different people, it is our differences that make the relationship fun...though this differing belief that we share about having sex with only one person in your lifetime is apparently different...and where my questions come in also, is the fact that she used to think the way I do...which is why I question my role...have I done something wrong sexually to make her change her desires? Our sex life has always been inconsistent because of either distance of me being away at school, which limited our time together, or when I wasnt at school, we had to deal with parents being in the home, which limited how often we could have sex...We have never had sex anywhere but in a bedroom, and maybe once in a living room...
Before you do anything , save those text messages and gather more evidence . Do notsort on that your snooping , what you required is undeniable proof of what she is up to, while snooping find out as much information as you can about the OM, parents, wife , siblings , where they live, access his Facebook page and save his friends links and names.
Get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and hide it in her car , test it first . Waywards view the car as a secure place to make calls . Posted via Mobile Device
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So confused!! 
Re: So confused!! 
