06-03-2012, 01:33 PM
Join Date: Feb 2012
| | Update 3 months out - Still have my days
Just past the 3 month point at the end of last month and I guess the best way to summarize is there are good days and bad.
My biggest struggle right now seems to be competing emotions and triggers. I thought it would get easier when my H's A stopped consuming my every waking minute but what I have learned is that it actually feels harder. Now instead of feeling constantly sad, or preoccupied with what happens, I could be going on my life at work, or at the gym, or with friends and then BOOM - "He slept with her". That has got to be the most mind blowing and pervasive thoughts a person could ever relieve over and over again about their husband. Even now it still takes my breath away. I don't know how many times in a social setting I have had to excuse myself to cry privately in the bathroom, or around the corner. I've even had a few pretty big melt downs, thankfully around good and understanding friends.
We are going to MC every week and my H is doing about the same in IC. He is still very much so battling his own depression and now dealing with some anxiety issues as well. It has been about a week of him staying over every night he isn't working, but he is still effectively living elsewhere because all of his things are still there. I have no faith or trust that this isn't a temporary transition. He has been so unpredictable over the last 3 months that I just never know if anything is permanent.
I am still majorly struggling with trust issues with him. He has become increasingly more transparent with details, text messages and passwords so that is helping but I very easily get my back up when I see him slipping in to old patterns like hanging out with friends who are girls (which has always been his way, although until the A I would never have worried about it)
I am struggling with own feelings of disappointment/resentment and wanting to feel emotionally fulfilled by someone who never put me second. I want to work things out with my H, and we are working on that, but I wonder if there has been a flop in a sense, where in the beginning he was the one with one foot out the door, and now I am.
I've heard it through the grapevine that the OW is struggling. I have never been this type of a person but to this I say "Karma is a B*tch". It actually breaks my heart that I could ever feel so much hatred towards someone but I find pleasure in the fact that she is currently (apparently) off work on stress leave, begging her BS to take her back (he is now dating someone new), and has gained 50lbs. They have a kid together so I am very angry at my H for screwing up that poor child's life, but I feel no sense of commitment to the OW who has been nothing but cruel to me since Dday (and even before)
Is anyone in the same boat as me? Struggling with similar issues? Any advice from those who have?