highwood

It is like the anger has left me and now I feel sad/depressed. All weekend long..I have felt so sad/down in the dumps. I find myself looking at other couples and feeling envious that they are not going thru what we are...(who knows what they are going thru but I just assume in this state that everyone else is happy and content)...

WHere I live the high school had their grad this weekend and I have felt depressed thinking about how 4 years ago our son graduated and how life seemed so much easier than, not this emotional rollercoaster I have been living for the last 8 months or so.

I hate to say it but the anger was easier to deal with than this sadness that has overcome me....

Zanna

I've read that the stages for healing from infidelity are the same as healing from a death. After the anger stage comes bargaining then depression.

I think what you are dealing with is very normal given the circumstances. I'm still in the anger stage myself...

The book "The Journey From Abandonment to Healing" was helpful for me to understand what I've been dealing with...

Even though, my WS never left and wanted the M, I still found the book useful.

notreadytoquit

I read that book too and often refer back to it.

__________________
The karma for screwing over a good girl is the b!tch you end up with

LostWifeCrushed

I think the sadness comes from a broken heart.

I agree that the stages of death theories may be in play, but I also think it is a normal response to betrayal.

Don't beat yourself up for it. Its a good sign that your emotions are progressing away from the anger. As we all know, anger corrodes its vessel. Its good to move from it.

Find something beautiful to focus on. Something that always brings joy. For me, it is playing the piano. Find something that depends on only you. Like planting a new rose? Maybe a veggie that you like? Start making a quilt? Do you paint or crochet or knit? Everyone has half-finished projects....drag one of yours out. If not, maybe go for a long walk at sunset and look at the stars come out?

Any activity is better than stagnation. If you can't bring yourself to be active at the moment, then try a guided meditation (there's a glut of them on youtube)--Or take a long bubble bath with candles and champagne!

The point here is to honor your process, however it is unfolding in your life. And take care of yourself.

(((HUGS)))

canttrustu

HW,

As much as it feels worse-its a good sign. At first I was SO angry. I couldnt speak to him. Couldnt look at him. Couldnt sleep in the same bed. Then came the shouting and fighting. THe hashing it out. ALL of it. The anger stayed for a while. A good while. Its a good cover for the pain. But at some point the anger faded and the pain set in. Once the pain set in- I MISSED HIM. I MISSED US. My heart was broken b/c he gave her something that was mine. His affection. His admiration. His time. So I mourned what I had lost during that time. Its the saddest Ive EVER been. And Ive had some sadness in life. But THIS. THIS. I wasnt sure I'd be able to feel like myself ever again. I felt incomplete w/o him. It was the first step(in me) in deciding to R. He had already shown remorse. He was doing alot but I was giving nothing. I couldnt. But pain allows movement-if you'll let it. Use your pain just as you used your anger. You used your anger to help yourself survive those first months. NOW, use your pain to move closer to HIM.

highwood

It is so hard...I just hate the doubts I have. He is going out of town for work this Sunday for the week...and since DD#2 six weeks ago he has been working in town. I just feel my paranoia setting in imagining him bored in the evenings and feeling compelled to initiate contact with this person. I tell myself that I have no control over his actions while he is away..but if he is stupid enough to do that then it will get caught at some point and our marriage will be over and he knows that.

I hate so much going thru this...I so miss the days where those thoughts never entered my mind because there was no reason for it.

Sara8

Your husband does sound remorseful and you state you were doing nothing

But each case is different. In my case I was doing more work to reconcile.

If the hurt spouse is doing all the work, the reconciliation is a false one.

It is normal for the injured spouse to move away from the source of the pain. Even a plant turns from painful stimuli.

It is not normal or helpful for the disloyal spouse to expect too much from the loyal spouse without giving more back.

The disloyal spouse caused the harm.

canttrustu

Sara8,

I think we all understand WHO caused the harm. NO question about it. I think HW completely understands the same as I do. I know WHO caused the damage to our marriage. With that said HW has chosen R. So sometimes its not productive to keep hammering who is at fault. I think her H seems to be trying. He seems to have remorse. She is going thru the 'normal' stages of grief for infidelity. Im trying to give some encouragement balanced with honesty. None of this is easy.

I am so sorry you have gone thru what you have. Your H sounds like he got what he deserved. And you didnt deserve what he did to you. (((hugs)))