Originally Posted by lordmayhem
Oh, how I hate it when they fish, it can be something as simple as yours: smiley faces. And that's enough to reconnect and restart the affair. The WS immediately takes the bait, the AP reels them in, and then its back on.
Well here is what is so weird. And I still can't figure it out. By the time she sent that email, they had already been right back at it for at least 4 or 5 months. So I haven't been able to make heads or tails of that. Whether she was testing it to see if I was monitoring it? Or she did it mindlessly one day because they had used that method before? I still can't figure it out.
The most I got out of my FWH was that it was an "oops" moment for the two of them. He doesn't remember it quite like I do. We have MC tonight. I could just ask one last time what the deal was with that. But I doubt I'll get anything more.
As you know as well as anybody, nearly all WSs engage in trickle truth. They do it because they feel guilty and ashamed of what they've done. It is painful for them to face the immorality of their activities. It's unpleasant. They also don't like to see the loyal spouse in pain, but--this is just my view--that is secondary. Mostly it's about seeing the truth about themselves and bringing it to the light of day. So most WSs will try to keep back as much as they can, and the lie they tell themselves (because they've gotten VERY good at that) is that what you don't know won't hurt you.
My FWH explained what happened. That he couldn't recall which of them sent the first fishing email. (Now he says it definitely was him
) She said she was doing fine. Then a week (read: a day or two
) went by and they exchanged another set of "are you ok" emails. Then not too long after that, they were back in communication, just like old times. My FWH claims we went to at least one MC appointment before they broke NC. I find this extremely difficult to believe and he concedes he can't remember. I asked him what it was like to sit in MC and LIE that the affair was over and he said he felt like sh*t. Whatever!
But here is my perspective on "DD#3" (I don't call it that any more). Which would I prefer--to have my H be in a strong fantasy / compulsion where despite WANTING to end NC, he wasn't able to resist it and went back to it within weeks? Or that he went through many months of MC, then said, the heck with that, and recontacted her THEN? I decided that the way I THOUGHT it had happened was even more hurtful than the way it actually unfolded.
And here is where CWI has helped so much. You get the perspective of what nearly all APs do. They are kicking up their heels in an affair (not meant literally...necessarily). They created this alternate universe they're in because they either don't want a divorce or they're too chicken sh*t to file. This is their coping mechanism, whether it's due to their damaged, broken selves or the depressing state of their marriage, or both. While they are still human beings with free will, and no one is holding a gun to their heads, most of them do not have the strength to walk away.
I had never brought any affair breaking methods to bear after DD#1. I never verified ANYTHING. I searched our computer thoroughly for any stray emails he had not deleted, but that was about it. Certainly I noticed his phone was attached to his hand, but he was careful not to contact her when I was around (and the phone records bear this out).
I had never exposed the affair to anyone. Part of this was that he had been her superior. I was very concerned that she would sue him, frankly. Or maybe lie to her husband about the situation and he'd sue for her, or something.
So there had been no outside pressures to bear, of the kind that break the fantasy. We all want our tears to be enough, but they simply are not. We should not be surprised by this; they KNOW they're doing something that will knock us flat if we were to find out. Our anger, sadness, and hurt are not enough of a disincentive to cut off their favorite escape from reality.