Question to vets: could she be testing to see if he's monitoring by emailing Mr 70 first? Posted via Mobile Device
I wondered that. If she had any thought I am monitoring she would've given it up tonight the way I asked. Easy to say, 'OK, you need to know I set up a gmail account <insert excuse her>. Only contacted xxxxx so far, you know, the old guy who you know all about, he was asking if we all want to go out next week. Planned to send you an email tomorrow, etc.' that would have just got her out of jail. She thinks it is bullet proof and said to old guy OM is gone. Posted via Mobile Device
I think you should monitor a couple more days. Does this old guy know that this is a secret mail? How did she decide to add him on this secret mail all of a sudden.
Confrontation now, she will easily turn it back on you. It might well be a childish immature reaction to feel in control of herself.
I wondered that. If she had any thought I am monitoring she would've given it up tonight the way I asked. Easy to say, 'OK, you need to know I set up a gmail account <insert excuse her>. Only contacted xxxxx so far, you know, the old guy who you know all about, he was asking if we all want to go out next week. Planned to send you an email tomorrow, etc.' that would have just got her out of jail. She thinks it is bullet proof and said to old guy OM is gone. Posted via Mobile Device
I wonder if she is testing you too.
Did you read the wayward spouse instructions with her?
Her immaturity is a problem that needs to be dealt with differently than most here. Think like you said as in dealing with a kid. Keep chipping away at the privacy/secrets issue.
DO NOT CONFRONT OVER SECRET EMAIL> You need to know if this leads to contact with OM. If you bust this before you know she what she set it up for, you may not catch her attempt at other methods.
I would look at this as outside your boundaries but something you can still work with. Keep showing her excerpts of outside material about how secrecy is not possible in a functioning marriage.
Ask her occasionally what she thinks breaking up would do to the kids.
For example , I heard, today, kids from divorce were twice as likely to drop out of school, three times as likely to commit suicide as kids from a family that stays together, etc. Innocently print off statistics about the children of divorce and show her , "Hey honey, look what we have avoided with our kids." And so on.
In short propagandize/teach her how you two have avoided a bullet and if both of you are honest and loving how great you two and your kids will be.
Most importantly now, as Captain Aubrey did, keep your powder and sources dry.
Great advice. Had some sleep and am thinking I pull the trigger this morning.
Rationale:
I gave her every opportunity to come clean on this. I mean, stuck it right in front of her 99% and she still bluffed it out.
If she is fixing to contact OM then she will get the same response anyway. I don't really need a debate on good guy/bad guy with her. If she feels hard done by, welcome to my world WW! I think I am ready just to cut the strings and let her go now. Not sure I want to be the only one putting effort in after her affair. It could be that with papers in front of her she will see the light, perhaps not. Bottom line, we agreed no secrecy, she broke the agreement. Do I want my marriage to follow that story? Emphatically, no. Posted via Mobile Device
" It could be that with papers in front of her she will see the light, perhaps not. Bottom line, we agreed no secrecy, she broke the agreement. Do I want my marriage to follow that story? Emphatically, no."
The bottom line is you know your wife has a secret account , your not there to play games , monitor her in case she contacts the OM etc. deal with the issue now.
You've given her the chance to come clean she declined , ramp it up . This time have the D papers in front of her , tell her directly you know she is lying by ommission and is having secret conversations with another man. Let her know you gave her a chance to come clean and will not tolerate her ongoing deceit .
Switch to conversation to you have D paperwork to review and both of you need to sit with the children and tell them of her adultery .
Walk away, take the kids to the movie and let her mull it over
Even if she comes clean or tries to imply your controlling to "he is an old man" your standard comment is privacy is for the bathroom secrecy is deceit . Posted via Mobile Device
You cannot stop your wife from creating other mail accounts to contact other men, you can ensure she feels the consequences
It would be in your interest to have a plan ready . Once you and your wife have had this conversation mention that both of you need to sit with your children to tell them of her affair and that you may not be remaining together as a family. Regardless if your wife is shocked and suddenly wants to change the children conversation should happen.
I do think your marriage can still be saved , your wife's lies must be dealt with directly without emotion .
Your protecting your marriage and she is crossing the marriage boundaries . Have your phrases ready and avoid any arguments . Posted via Mobile Device
Almostrecovered. Yes, absolutely. BUT did you never pick your battles and choose to log something they did, that they didn't know you know about, for future use? I know I have turned a blind eye with my two once or twice and I would argue it was for the best. E.g. Eldest son picks his nose at the dinner table having been disciplined for hitting his sibling five minutes previous. Normal circumstances = tell him not to. In this instance you want the real issue of the day to sink in otherwise he goes to bed feeling slammed for picking his nose. Sort of where iheartlife was coming from perhaps? Posted via Mobile Device
I've read the rest of the thread and see you've turned around on this but I want to answer this post anyways-
I don't disagree with letting some things go. It is unrealistic to expect your wife to become super R woman overnight and it will create resentment to bash her or go nuclear on every little white lie or minor infraction. In fact, I even understand being patient and waiting on full remorse as long as some remorse is demonstrated and 100% NC and transparency is being done.
However, we're not talking about a minor infraction here, are we? It's a goddamned secret email account!! Even if she isn't contacting OM she's deliberately hiding something from you to communicate with another person. She thinks it's perfectly acceptable to hide such things from you and that flies in the face in what you need to regain trust. It crosses a major boundary.
So I sent an email to her new account explaining how this was outside our agreement and I have had enough so we need to discuss how (not if) we are to split and how we tell the kids. I also dropped her a text message requesting she check her secret account. One hour later (!!) I get a message back saying 'What secret account?' Wow, that took some thinking about as a strategy! Her next step will be she was just about to tell me about it, or hadn't realised it was inappropriate. Jeez . . . do I look one day old?!
I don't see her today due to work commitments, she is out at a gig tonight until late. I will stay at a friends house following a few beers. Will text WW this pm to tell her where I am staying and that I will be home tomorrow.
Not doing this to punish, just looking after myself for a night. Tomorrow I will be back in the marital bed where I belong. She can be where she wants.
don't feel guilty for taking a day or two to get out of the house, I think it can be for the best to remove yourself from the situation for short periods of time.
430Likes
Re: No Contact Rule and Being Sorry 
