OK, first post here - forgive me if I get things wrong! Thanks for being there people. The last few weeks have been hard but you have helped a lot.
Me: 45
She: 38
Married 13 years
Together 17 years
Two Children 9, 6
Wife had EA for five/six months, revealed middle of April 2012
I am doing well. Signed up for exercise classes, doing weights, concentrating upon myself. Being the best dad I can be, and the best husband. From flat out on the floor with my whole world shattered eight weeks ago, I am starting to like who I am again. We are in counselling which is hard but good.
WW went no contact almost immediately following discovery and after one relapse in the first week (involving a few text messages which she stopped with a 'no contact' text) has been true to that.
Last week she (very honestly) told me she wanted to contact him again to say 'well done' for a radio show he did that she listened to. Saw my face and promised not to.
Things are going pretty well, one day at a time, but two things concern me, with which I hope you can help.
Firstly, although she is sorry for the pain I am feeling, WW has not said she is sorry for the EA. I do not want to push that (early days). Nevertheless, I feel anger that I am the one expressing regret over my part in where we went wrong while WW gets to be confused and working on herself rather than us. Perhaps that will change with time.
Secondly, the no contact thing. OM is a musician with a number of albums out. With the radio show and with his stuff on her iPod, WW clearly still has him in her head. But, no contact remains the case.
I can look at this as emotional investment which should be directed at our marriage and which will delay reconciliation, or I can look at it as a natural and necessary part of her own healing. I guess it could be both!
Should I make an issue of either at this stage or just see where things go?
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 5,641
Re: No Contact Rule and Being Sorry
The lack of remorse is not unusual for an EA. In some cases the WS actually thinks we should thank them because it didn't go physical. In short, they don't fully realize the damage they have done giving their heart to another especially in the short term. She is still emotionally disconnected from you and won't likely feel that remorse until she reconnects. As far as do you push the issue, that's up to you to have that discussion with her if you need that for closure. In my case, I didn't, I understood how my wife got there and saw the pain in her eyes when she really understood what had occurred. I didn't need a formal self induced flogging to get on with life.
As far at the musician twist, that's a new one for me but I'd suggest you set your boundaries that she needs to totally disconnect form anything associated with him. His music is part of his allure for her.
Keep up working on yourself physically and as a father.
The lack of remorse is not unusual for an EA. In some cases the WS actually thinks we should thank them because it didn't go physical. In short, they don't fully realize the damage they have done giving their heart to another especially in the short term. She is still emotionally disconnected from you and won't likely feel that remorse until she reconnects. As far as do you push the issue, that's up to you to have that discussion with her if you need that for closure. In my case, I didn't, I understood how my wife got there and saw the pain in her eyes when she really understood what had occurred. I didn't need a formal self induced flogging to get on with life.
As far at the musician twist, that's a new one for me but I'd suggest you set your boundaries that she needs to totally disconnect form anything associated with him. His music is part of his allure for her.
Keep up working on yourself physically and as a father.
Perhaps in her mind the OM is singing to her. The music could be her way of remaining connected to him. It would certainly be advisable that she disconnect that particular connection with him.
We have very similar stories in certain ways, although I'm the wife.
Your wife is going to break contact again. I don't know how to put it any more bluntly than that. She is still infatuated with him, it's a powerful emotion.
I would tell her she can't listen to his music any more. I know that sounds extreme.
Her fantasy with him was (and is) a very powerful compulsion. Every tiny bit of contact is a hit for her. She will never go through true withdrawal and exit the fantasy as long as she gets her whiff here and there. That is all that's required for her one-sided obsession to continue indefinitely.
I would get the book Not Just Friends (google excerpts in my signature) by a nationally recognized infidelity researcher, Shirley Glass. You need to fully comprehend how emotional affairs function.
Then you need to ask your MC if they've read the book and give them a copy if not. Your MC better be 1. pro-marriage and 2. trained in how to deal with marital infidelity, because a shocking percentage of well-respected MC's are not.
I lost 3 years of my life, 6+ mos in MC, because unbeknownst to me my husband re-contacted his affair partner within weeks of breaking it off. I was not as familiar with infidelity as you seem to be now, however. Realize that MC is WORTHLESS with 3 people in the marriage. It is hard work, and people who are still in the thick of the fantasy don't bare their souls and do the heavy lifting to fix the marriage--they are saving their heart for someone else.
Here are some more books to read once you're satisfied she is going through withdrawal (it takes at least a couple of months of ZERO CONTACT for this to happen, and I would include listening to his music and radio show, unfortunately).
His Need / Her Needs by Dr. Harley (take free website questionnaire)
Love Busters by Dr. Harley (ditto)
5 Love Languages (ditto)
The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
We have an MC now well-versed in infidelity, it is like night and day, particularly since my husband ended contact with his AP.
Given the depth of this EA, a natural suggestion is for you to immediately get into IC, then for her to agree to and the both of you to fastly get into MC.
Without any discernible sign of genuine contrition on her part, I really don't think that things, as they are now, bode that well for you! Best of luck to you, my friend!
It took me upwards of six weeks for withdrawal. This took full NC. I think in this case it is going to take much longer as she has not disconnected. She needs to cut him completely out of her life. That includes the music and radio shows.
It took me longer than Entropy - months for me. And like everyone else I'll tell you the music has got to go. I normally tell people that no contact has to be effectively like the OM died. In your wife's case though it has to be like the OM never existed - he has to be erased and first and foremost that includes the music. I can just picture her listening to his music and reading hidden messages to her in the songs - vomit.
No contact is just that - and the music is still contact because it connects her to him.
__________________
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Last week she (very honestly) told me she wanted to contact him again to say 'well done' for a radio show he did that she listened to. Saw my face and promised not to.
She is fishing , NC means NC in every aspect including his music, and anything else that reminds her of him.
Thanks, all. As I thought. I have just downloaded Not Just Friends, iheartlife. Thanks for that too.
I will discuss the music with WW. At best it is a distraction from working on us. The no contact aspect was originally suggested by WW which gives it strength. I said nothing, she just did it. I am also gratified that her at times brutal honesty about her feelings over the past weeks leads me to think she would at least tell me if she did contact OM. I think we came to the point where dishonesty became utterly pointless. We were within one comment and two seconds of both of us giving up.
I also know that it is 'just' the music now. He has a considerable internet presence but WW has not looked him up for a couple of weeks having been looking daily before that. I have mastered the art of snooping and in all respects other than the music there is no issue.
That couple of weeks coincided with me being able to make a few revelations about OM having done some very detailed research from very credible sources - like the fact that his daughter and step daughter refuse to speak to him, that he has Narci*sistic Pers**ality Disord*r (Just keeping Google out there), and that he is a serious control freak. When I told WW that and presented the evidence, she went into a four day long serious bout of depression - not eating, sleeping, looking like death, hardly speaking, etc.
I saw that very positively (ha!) as a sign of mourning for a shattered fantasy and I do think it formed a major turning point. Since then, WW has been slowly coming back to me - hugs, wanting to spend time, falling asleep in each other's arms and even one incident of really lovely sex.
In short, I do not want to derail the good, but am aware that the bad needs addressing at some point. My wife is also a musician and OM has helped her a great deal in that area. That is just part of the picture, not a route to a particular view.
MC is excellent, BTW. Highly trained and very experienced with infidelity. We both rate her highly and feel better about each other after each visit.
Just so you know, in Not Just Friends Shirley Glass says that the one-sided obsession following the ending of an affair can be very, very powerful, almost more powerful than the affair itself. That is because no definitive rejection has occurred from HIM to her. Unfortunately, there is no "safe" way to get him to reject her as I'm sure you can see.
I wish I had more advice about ending one-sided obsessions. It is sadly something that crops up here on the forum now and then and there aren't any good answers except maintaining no contact.
dont worry about editing NPD, it's mentioned on this board at least 10 times a day
the music is a trigger for you and allowing your wife to connect to him emotionally through his music and lyrics (hell, wouldn't surprise me if he writes a song about her), therefore it should be removed
explain more about what she is doing to help you heal-
you have NC (add the removal of the music)
is she being transparent? allowing you access to all phones, facebook, email, etc?
she still isn't showing true remorse obvious and that needs to be done for R to even begin.
Iheartlife, I'm not sure I understand the one sided thing. It was reciprocated both ways and he did most of the running. Apologies if I misunderstand.
Transparency is there completely - and I have access to accounts etc, including access to OM's thoughts on the matter through a particularly successful bit of hacking!
I put the music thing to WW. Her position is that the EA was nothing to her (denial, I know) and that the problems we have pre-dated it, which is true. She should be able to listen to what she wants is the line. The key question for WW, from her perspective, is whether she wants to be married at all not whether she wants another relationship. She certainly does not want to jump into a full on relationship, just a bit of fun - and preferably with me still at home to come back to for most of the time.
I explained that it was a big deal to me. Her response was that for a long time she has not wanted to put effort into her marriage. 'If it works out then great, if not then it doesn't'. Big pattern for us: Me seeking intimacy, her pulling away from it. Not just our relationship, that is how she is in life.
So now I am checking the separation board thinking her denial of the importance of the EA has substance.
Not that I am confused here! Posted via Mobile Device
Location: Temporary Resident of Earth Lord Only Knows Where Next
Posts: 5,641
Re: No Contact Rule and Being Sorry
Quote:
Originally Posted by Seesaw
Her position is that the EA was nothing to her (denial, I know) and that the problems we have pre-dated it, .......... from her perspective, is whether she wants to be married at all not whether she wants another relationship. Posted via Mobile Device
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No Contact Rule and Being Sorry 
