Btw- right now you are self medicating with alcohol to alleviate the enormous pain
You need to stop
It's making it worse, it is a depressant
Remember how good you felt when you were on that fitness kick? Exercise will help you so much more than than the wine
Thanks for all the posts and for reading. Believe it or not, the above post was 14 pages in Word which I'd whittled down from 21!
I agree that the drinking needs to stop. I'm not quite ready, but I'm hoping once I get through the next few months, I will no longer feel the need. But I appreciate and value the advice.
I did ask around a lot about the other accusations. I found tiny nuggets of truth in two of them, they were just greatly exaggerated but still upsetting. One involved a friend texting a topless photo to my H and my H never telling me. I confronted her but she would not admit verbally...but her body language said it all. She was also a BS so yeah, these women are just crazy! The other was a kiss during the A with a different woman. She admitted and confirmed only a kiss and a 3rd party verified and all apologized and blamed alcohol with stupidity.
So many stories on here have touched me and helped me learn. Posted via Mobile Device
My kids. This has been hard on them. Their solid, patient, reliable, doting mom has been a total lunatic for a whole year. They have no idea what hit them. My oldest probably knows quite a lot...I'm sure he's overheard things and I've often wondered if he knew anything before I did but I don't want to put him in that position by asking. It would break my heart. His grades have been terrible, he quit high school sports, has been in trouble at school, snuck out, drank my alcohol, got caught with pot...all this year. My middle child has been the most stable, but even his grades have gone down. The little one has grown more wild as I've been less attentive to his disciplinary needs. It's hard to put in the effort to save your sanity and your marriage without neglecting your kids.
Legal woes. Early in discovery, a really bad argument spilled into our front yard. It was just telling but some stupid neighbor felt they needed to call the police. By the time they showed, I was in bed asleep. H answered the door still belligerent and irate and mouthed off to the cop. I came to door, told cop we were fine and I was trying to sleep to please leave. H threw a few more choice words in there, pissed off the cop and wound up arrested. Nothing I said would get the cop to let him go. He was booked downtown in our very large city with no shoes and locked in a filthy holding cell. I couldn't get him out til next day. It took no less than 15 court appearances and a couple grand to finally get the recording of the arrest that showed my H had done nothing to warrant an arrest. It was humiliating sitting in the criminal court for hours every couple of weeks on top of everything else going on!! Wow I have some of the worst luck ever. Posted via Mobile Device
Take it from someone who has self medicated a lot in the past due to a bipolar disorder
The drinking is becoming part of the problem, it will retard your emotional growth greatly and your ability to heal
There are better ways of coping, the booze will extend the time you spend in the hell that you are in
as to the possibility of other affairs
I do fear that you will get another dose of trickle truth, you need to lay down that there will be severe consequences (ie divorce) if anything else comes to light
Lots to read! But I did and I'm sorry you've been going thru this. One year too and doing things without advice really. CWI is a great place. Lots of info, help, and support.
Don't let this bring your kids down. They are showing signs already of hurting don't let it! That's like letting her win all over again.
I "get it" That you drink to forget or feel good. My H and I do the same. We are happy drinking margaritas on a patio! But its not reality and it will not my OR YOUR situation go away.
Take it from someone who has self medicated a lot in the past due to a bipolar disorder
The drinking is becoming part of the problem, it will retard your emotional growth greatly and your ability to heal
There are better ways of coping, the booze will extend the time you spend in the hell that you are in
as to the possibility of other affairs
I do fear that you will get another dose of trickle truth, you need to lay down that there will be severe consequences (ie divorce) if anything else comes to light
Yes I agree. I have cut back in the last couple weeks ad will continue to do so. Why add to my problems.
The feeling that more could be lurking out there is awful. I can't take anymore. And I did tell H every time that any more untold things or lies that came out would mean D. But I guess he never believed that and obviously was right since I'm still here. I did kick him out after PA was confirmed. He was gone a few hours and I felt better til I saw his toiletries missing. They've been there next to mine since I was a teenager! I freaked out and called him to come back. He was at the damn movies!!! U believe that?! Amazing. But he came home - after the movie of course. Lol!
The kiss with a different woman was only recently found out. Maybe a month ago. I lost my mind, got violent, really went nuts. But he took it. Said it was all part of the same craziness of that 5 moth period. Amazing how a mere 5 months can destroy 20 years. My one confidant friend says that she thinks in his mind that kiss was him cheating on OW. In his mind at that point, he was thinking and acting towards D and didn't care about the marriage anymore. He says once he said the word D to me - that was his wake up call.
I truly wish I didn't know any of this. Just wish he'd been a man an figured this ish out on his own, ended it, fixed it, and then put all his attention into making us better. But no Mr Selfish Ahole did not.
I often think I'm just biding time here and will eventually D. Wait for the kids to get a little older. Get finances together. Work on myself some. Make sure that I did all I could so I leave with a clear conscience. I dunno...other times I think somehow we'll get happily ever after. Just depends on the day. And sometimes the minute. Posted via Mobile Device
I truly wish I didn't know any of this. Just wish he'd been a man an figured this ish out on his own, ended it, fixed it, and then put all his attention into making us better. But no Mr Selfish Ahole did not.
I often think I'm just biding time here and will eventually D. Wait for the kids to get a little older. Get finances together. Work on myself some. Make sure that I did all I could so I leave with a clear conscience. I dunno...other times I think somehow we'll get happily ever after. Just depends on the day. And sometimes the minute. Posted via Mobile Device
Both of your comments here I felt like earlier this morning too, however later in the morning & in the shower I decided the "old" me would rather not know because I hurt so badly right now. BUT that is wrong and is rug sweeping and the PA information eventually could still come out so better to deal with this now than which is WAY worse.
My H was my high school sweethearts too (dated since 10th grade-close friends prior to that) and we got pregnant my senior year and married as soon as my son was born. I've known no one but HIM. He was my rock and my comfort and my strength. That is gone now and I'm slowly accepting that it will never be the same. Our youngest does leave for college in a couple of months and it will be just us two...it's honestly all I've waited for and now it's here I'm thinking is it what and who I want to be with??? So did I just bid time over the last year- I don't know- but to help StandinginQuicksand feel better you can at least have the knowledge you tried to make it work.
Both of your comments here I felt like earlier this morning too, however later in the morning & in the shower I decided the "old" me would rather not know because I hurt so badly right now. BUT that is wrong and is rug sweeping and the PA information eventually could still come out so better to deal with this now than which is WAY worse.
My H was my high school sweethearts too (dated since 10th grade-close friends prior to that) and we got pregnant my senior year and married as soon as my son was born. I've known no one but HIM. He was my rock and my comfort and my strength. That is gone now and I'm slowly accepting that it will never be the same. Our youngest does leave for college in a couple of months and it will be just us two...it's honestly all I've waited for and now it's here I'm thinking is it what and who I want to be with??? So did I just bid time over the last year- I don't know- but to help StandinginQuicksand feel better you can at least have the knowledge you tried to make it work.
Thanks for your comments. Wow, in your shoes, I'm not sure what I would do. My biggest fear is to spend more years (at 37 I'm no spring chicken anymore) only to find that H cheats again and then I'm x years older and starting over. I'd much rather do that now than later if that's my fate. Posted via Mobile Device
Getting out of your quicksand is a conscious decision on your part.
You handled yourself so well!!! Be proud of yourself.
You should have left your hubby in jail to ponder his behavior a little longer.
You seem to have cleaned up the mess very well. Do not stop your forward momentum and clean yourself up too.
I hope you do not continue your marriage with one foot out the door in the future. You are only cheating yourself and robbing your own marriage.
Quit thedrinking 100%.
Go see an IC to work out your feelings for yourself.
Love your kids 110% because they need it and deserve it.
I hope your husband truly deserves the gift of reconciliation. I hope he shows you his love everyday.
And I hope you get to a place in your life where you feel he is deserving of you again....
Thanks for your great post and story. Do not ever change you because you are awesome!!!
HM64
Wow happy man! Your words were very kind. Not sure I deserve them...I feel like I've been wretched. But in some ways I can't believe I've made it this far. I too hope he's worth it. Time will tell.
I too wish I'd left him in jail longer. It was a horrible and terrifying experience for him. Would you believe he blamed me for the longest? Probably still does although he has said he no longer does. He felt like I was not trying hard enough to convince the cop to let him go. Mind you, he's screaming from inside the car while I'm trying to reason with the cop. I tried everything. I would have even offered favors if the cop would've been receptive -lol! Not really but maybe.
When he finally heard the audio recording from the cop car, heard me pleading and explaining and then demanding and even threatening the officer, he realized I had done quite a lot. The cop was wrong but had H not been drunk and irate, this never would have happened. Posted via Mobile Device
time and time again we see BS's constantly pursuing their WS and jumping through hoops to get them back. More trickle truth comes and more hoops to jump through.
Then finally after the dust has settled the BS then has time to think and ask "why? and was it worth doing all of that?"
and that is where you are at
the affair destroyed
the husband showing remorse
transparency etc
but now you are questioning whether or not you really want that in the first place, the pain sinks all over again but this time in a different way. There is no fight or flight adrenaline here, now you have the eerie calm to actually think and ponder.
And the answer will be different for each and every one of us and the answer will often change day to day or minute to minute
Just realize this-
even though Dday 1 was almost a year ago, you really haven't had a chance to stop and reflect until recently. The trickle truth keeps coming and the drama keeps unfolding.
But you do have time, you are only 37, and that may not be no spring chicken but it is still plenty of time to let your true feelings develop. Heal a little and then make a decision when you are capable of making one. You will know it when it comes to you. I promise you that.
Yes, you have described me perfectly. That's exactly where I'm at.
So now what? How do I get my joy back?
In the immediate, I'm itching to fvck with OW on Friday (anniversary of 1st DD). Being that she was my friend for many years...I hate her immensely. In a recent search I came across emails between her and I and was astounded to see how kind and generous I was to her. I'm such a big meanie now...to everyone...it's hard to accept that my entire being has changed so greatly.
So contact? Yes or no and if yes, what? Maybe shoot her a pic of her own vajayjay? She's surely blocked that memory out of her mind by now. Maybe her phone will be unattended and someone else can add to her shame.
Also, I bought a VAR but have never even opened the pkg. I also do snoop but not that hard. When I do, I always find things but only dating to that same period. God it's hard to look at vacation photos my H took of me with HER acting like BFFs knowing he was fvcking her. How could he ask me and her to stay friends when only EA was confirmed...but he knew it was PA. How could he be so willin to make that much of a fool out of me while professing to love me and want to work things out?
Reading stories here...I realize how little I really know. I have no idea what was said in those tons of calls and texts. I don't know the depth of the feelings other than that once I initially confronted him, he was immediately saying he wanted to stay. But after asking for D days earlier. It's all still very confusing to me.
Just keep thinking I need to leave the past where it is...am I rug sweeping? Posted via Mobile Device
I know you hate her
I know it would feel good (temporarily)
But you don't need the drama and she might even like the attention to think of your husband again
You exposed and as unfortunate as it was that it didn't work as you hoped that really is the only thing to do to her IMO
Indifference and ignoring her is the best way to show her that you are just fine without her in your life. She doesn't deserve any of your precious time being devoted to her.
As for finding joy?
It starts when you come to the realization that you will be just fine no matter what the outcome is (R or D) and that happiness is what you make of what you have.
Right now you are depressed, you can't see a promising future or even a realistic future, all you see is pain and misery. That is not a true reality and your ability to process everyday life is skewed. It's a big reason why I think you should stop drinking and start up the exercise, as that will help lift you out of your dark cloud. Also consider seeing your doctor for antidepressants for a short period of time.
Happiness comes from within. I am sure you know this but you probably do not remember what it feels like to be happy for a little while.
Take the time to work on you. You can be a little selfish with your time to accomplish these tasks. Your husband can certainly take up the slack. He owes it to you.
Get your head in a better place.
Get your heart in a better place.
Get your soul in a better place.
And most certainly get your body in a better place.
You are only 37 so "Whip It Good!"
And "Just DO It!"
Those are my 2 original thoughts for you today......LOL
15Likes
