Maricha75

This is what I was trying to point out. When the OW from my husband's (early caught) EA saw that he agreed with me, that our marriage was far more important than remaining in contact with her, she went off on him. She posted about it on Facebook by the time we got home and were able to remove her. He saw what she was REALLY like, based on her reaction to the NC text. We never sent a certified letter or anything like that. We kept it to text. We are 2 months post DDay.

The thing is, it really doesn't matter whether she says it was him chasing her or whatever. What matters is getting her out of your life for good. And, if she does go to these other people... yea, he will likely be embarrassed. But, he got involved with her. He made the choice that he has to live with. Just as my husband did... just as I did. Ultimately, it is up to you. But based on experience, she won't take the hint. She will have to be told, point blank, to no longer contact him. And, like iheartlife, I won't say "i told you so" either. I just hope whatever you choose to do works.

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Rihanna

Thank you for your kind words. This is exactly the kind of help I need. I think you maybe right. He does need to see her in the worst light.

The first time he didn't answer her with the usual affection he talked about his longing to do so. Instead he texted me to try to get passed it. He is coming to see that she treated me very badly and that is not the kind of thing he likes. He said he now sees how sordid the whole thing was but he did not see it at the time. It meant a lot to me that he used the word sordid because it demonstrates a real understanding at it was his word not mine.

Yes, I have to resist my own impulse to "play with fire". It is a real temptation for me.

Thank you for being blunt. I need it!!!
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canttrustu

Rihanna,

Your H may WANT this to end but the allure of an EA is incredible. Equivalent to a drug. You must be more proactive. If its easy to 'fall back' with her- HE WILL. He may full well know what he did was wrong. He may feel sorry. And it may be truly genuine BUT the temptation to push it and get his 'fix' by contacting her and continuing this EA will be huge. He really has to tell her "NO MORE. Im married. This was a mistake. Please dont contact me any further. All other communication will go directly to my wife and bypass me." This is a litmus test of sorts to prove to you that he is done with her as well as telling her that he chooses YOU.

Im sorry but I think you really have to step up here. Ive been where you are and I waited for my H to cut it off. I didnt realize just how unlikely that was. He didnt until faced with possible D. Then he realized the fog he was in and what it was about to cost him but not ONE DAY BEFORE. EA allure is wicked. He cant handle it alone.

JuliaP

I joke around ALLOT....never with "I love you" though.

canttrustu

I really hope you arent flirtatious with married men.

Rihanna

Not tempted to flirt with men. Tempted to show up when the friends are having drinks to show I am the one he wants and make her feel foolish. He is our plan. If she contacts again he sends the no contact and includes me. I realize this is contrary to the collective wisdom and am considering all options. I don't have to commit to a certain path now.
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canttrustu

No, I was asking JuliaP.... She made the comment I quoted.

And no you dont Have to do anything.

iheartlife

Just so you know, it's a BS fantasy that you can make an OW feel foolish. While you think it will put her in her place, she will sit there smugly sure of herself. By all means go. But how is NC going to function exactly if she is frequently in this group? You are going to play cop and show up each time? I don't see how this is ending anything.
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canttrustu

playing with fire here IMO. You cannot shame someone who has no morals. This is your call. As you said "you dont have to commit to a certain path right now." But it seems to me you have- the one of least resistance.

Good luck

Rihanna

You are right it is a BS fantasy. They really have only gone for drinks as a group about 4 times over the last six months. It isn't a regular thing. He is not going to participate if she is involved and I will skip the BS dreaming when it comes to planning.

Rihanna

Am I wrong to be afraid that if he communicates with her and says no more to something that was never verbalized it will make it hotter for her/them. I mean he was into this thing to confirm his masculinity and attractiveness. At the point I interceded he was only realizing she was "probably" into him. It just seems if they confirm this together it is a new level of intimacy for them. I have transparency. We are talking about this daily. I am not accepting his BS denials of being into her. I am still reminding him that he is the one who doesn't have context for this.

It he is BSing me and still in this thing more than he is letting on, there isn't anything to change it. If they haven't been in any contact for weeks, except the one text I approved, is initiating contact seems counter productive. If she tries to contact him again, then yes beIng explicit is in order. If he ignores her, then she won't assume his wife is keeping him from he, she will assume he lost interest. We are not talking about full blown, thing where it was acknowledged they were doing anything wrong.
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iheartlife

Well, now you're getting into the mechanics of the No Contact messages / letters. This is why it's good to get it right the first time. I can completely relate to this dilemma, where the original No Contact wasn't worded properly. I also understand you didn't want it to be an official document notarized and embossed. Even so, I think you'll concede there was a happy medium between "I'm busy" and "f*ck off."

I guess what I'd do is monitor the texting (and also consider if she is contacting / reaching out to him some other way if he continues to ignore the texts). And then come down very officially with the next bit of contact, because there will be a next one.

Obviously, verifying he isn't in contact isn't a permanent solution. Right NOW while he's feeling bad about the situation it's time to fully and thoroughly discuss transparency, particular online / electronic transparency, with you offering it up too. The more you set an example here, the less room he has to argue that he can keep some corner of the online / gadget world off-limits.

I can't recall if they've been discussed before, but I'd get the books His Needs / Her Needs (print off the online questionnaire and get him to fill it out); Love Busters (ditto); The 5 Love Languages (fun quiz, get him to do it); The Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work (Gottman). And last but not least, Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud & Townsend. Each book fills a different role. Check them out of the library (or via inter-library loan if they don't have them) if you don't want to buy them.

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Rihanna

There is no area of gadgetry that I don't have access. I can't access his work computer. I am never around at his office which needs to change. I am trying to take steps to change that and show up there. Maybe I should bug his phone & not tell him. That way when we are back to normal I can see how he really handles himself. He has an Xbox but isn't secretive and doesn't play social games much. He doesn't use the household laptop much but I will check it. I can't monitor his work phone. At this time it doesn't seem like anything more is happening. I am only worrie for the future when we are not talking as much. However, I am making sure we get on the same page about what actually transpired.

I will look for those books & quizzes.

Thank you for helping me with your time and wisdom.
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Rihanna

He knows any more of this relationship or any other means divorce. No more discussion. I have promised to handle divorce fairly as far as putting our child's needs first. Not making it an angry divorce and I don't think the failure of our marriage to be this affair. However, we are in love and closer than we have been in a long time. Anything else happens, that is tainted & I am done. So if he needs motivation to resist he has it. He know I don't f@@k around with this s##t.
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Sara8

This is so true. My STBEH's other woman is truly shameless. She is a married serial cheater who still has the wool pulled over her dopey husband's eyes, despite being apprised of her multiple affairs.

The OW, actually saw my STBEH and me together and gave him the most flirtatious smile I have ever seen a woman give.

She totally ignored me.

I agree with Iheartlife, too. A big part of the problem is my husband never sent a firm no contact letter, and tried to let her down easy.

She likely always thought I was the reason he no longer wanted her, and even though he does not, she continued to contact him until I contacted her husband.