In a change of pace from my anger thread from the other day..I am wondering if anyone has any positive changes that happened to them while R or separating/divorcing. I know it is a terrible time but lots of times good comes out of bad times too.
I love it when I hear people talking about how they got in shape, went back to school, marriage improved greatly, etc. I find it highly motivating seeing what people have accomplished after going thru a rough situation...
For me and my marriage it probably brought on better communication, we talked about our marriage in ways we hadn't for many many years if ever. As well between DD#1 and DD#2 I lost 20 lbs...10 more to go just have to get my butt in gear and refocus.
In coming to this forum, I have learned how to better deal with those who insist on trying to worm their way back into my marriage. Yesterday, I had a former friend contact me. I chose to remove this man from my life because he was a temptation. I never got to the level of involvement with him that I did in my EA, but the potential was there. I was flirty with him, in the past. When I removed him from my contacts, I didn't tell him. I told him yesterday that my husband and I are working things out and I removed many friends because I didn't want to fall back into the old patterns. I left the message short and to the point. I told him that he was one I am removing. He actually tried to give me a guilt trip about it. He said "well, if you want to have no friends in order to work this out, then goodbye forever" I told my husband about it and we agreed...this man was never a real friend to either of us. If he had been, he'd have truly been happy for us and not tried to make me feel guilty. His response strengthened my resolve that I did the right thing. And, I am also glad for this board for helping me keep communication open with my husband.
For me, DDay was the best thing that ever happened to me. In hindsight of course. Just 8 months out, I'm in the best shape of my life. I've started lifting, running, and doing yoga. By the way, Bikram yoga is probably by far the best thing anyone can do for themselves. Helps you out mentally a lot.
Even more importantly than physical fitness though, I've realized in this time that I'm actually much happier now than I was when I was with her. I always thought I need to be in a relationship to be happy, but I actually love being single. It's made me learn a lot about myself and I wouldn't change anything that happened. Posted via Mobile Device
For me, DDay was the best thing that ever happened to me. In hindsight of course. Just 8 months out, I'm in the best shape of my life. I've started lifting, running, and doing yoga. By the way, Bikram yoga is probably by far the best thing anyone can do for themselves. Helps you out mentally a lot.
Even more importantly than physical fitness though, I've realized in this time that I'm actually much happier now than I was when I was with her. I always thought I need to be in a relationship to be happy, but I actually love being single. It's made me learn a lot about myself and I wouldn't change anything that happened. Posted via Mobile Device
Awesome..I heard yoga is great for the mind as well. I am trying right now to concentrate on my breathing and calming myself down. I am reading a book about coping with infidelity right now and it gets into tools you can teach yourself in order to calm yourself down...i.e. breathing, etc.
i learned how strong i was, and that, no matter what or how bad it hurt, i could be a better person. i learned to be classy, not b***ch about it all. i learned to reach out a hand to friends who are having personal trouble, even if they don't want to talk about it, it helps to know someone sleeps near their cell phone and will always love you, even if you call at 3am.
i have also trained for and completed a marathon, and was happy as could be when my entire family hugged me at the finish line.
In a change of pace from my anger thread from the other day..I am wondering if anyone has any positive changes that happened to them while R or separating/divorcing. I know it is a terrible time but lots of times good comes out of bad times too.
I love it when I hear people talking about how they got in shape, went back to school, marriage improved greatly, etc. I find it highly motivating seeing what people have accomplished after going thru a rough situation...
For me and my marriage it probably brought on better communication, we talked about our marriage in ways we hadn't for many many years if ever. As well between DD#1 and DD#2 I lost 20 lbs...10 more to go just have to get my butt in gear and refocus.
The people on this forum know as well as anybody that not all marriages are "made in heaven". So when a bad marriage comes to an end, I OFTEN see people getting back on track, refocusing their lives on what matters to them and starting to surround themselves with better, more positive people.
In coming to this forum, I have learned how to better deal with those who insist on trying to worm their way back into my marriage. Yesterday, I had a former friend contact me. I chose to remove this man from my life because he was a temptation. I never got to the level of involvement with him that I did in my EA, but the potential was there. I was flirty with him, in the past. When I removed him from my contacts, I didn't tell him. I told him yesterday that my husband and I are working things out and I removed many friends because I didn't want to fall back into the old patterns. I left the message short and to the point. I told him that he was one I am removing. He actually tried to give me a guilt trip about it. He said "well, if you want to have no friends in order to work this out, then goodbye forever" I told my husband about it and we agreed...this man was never a real friend to either of us. If he had been, he'd have truly been happy for us and not tried to make me feel guilty. His response strengthened my resolve that I did the right thing. And, I am also glad for this board for helping me keep communication open with my husband.
That man may well have had his feelings hurt by what you did. If so, that's just too bad! Your marriage is more important than some chap's feelings!
That man may well have had his feelings hurt by what you did. If so, that's just too bad! Your marriage is more important than some chap's feelings!
That's my point. By implying that I have no friends now that I have chosen to work things out with my husband, he showed his true colors and I am more certain than I was even before that I made the right decision in removing him.
We both made huge changes in our attitude towards each other during and after reconciliation. Our spark is back, she is the love of my life and we continue to improve.
We talk, even more important, we listen. Our love life is out of this world.
She is my best friend and I am hers.
We both made huge changes in our attitude towards each other during and after reconciliation. Our spark is back, she is the love of my life and we continue to improve.
We talk, even more important, we listen. Our love life is out of this world.
She is my best friend and I am hers.
Love it...I have read your story and it is inspiring.
Sometimes unfortunately you need to go thur crap in order to come out on the other side. Sometimes these situations can awaken feelings and issues that you try to previously buried because you did not want to deal with them.
Honestly I think there are many many marriages in which the people are just exisitng, staying for the kids, financial, etc. Just because there is no infidelity in those marriages doesn't mean that they are good or better marriages than those that have suffered and made it thru infidelity.
The thing is I hadn't come across this forum 7 years ago when my wife had an affair.But I took all the right measures and we went through a pretty grueling recovery stage of almost 2 years with me treating her like crap for the most part, but here we are 7 years later can't say i've ever been this happy with how my life's turning out.
The best part about coming here is realizing that there are so many men and women out there who're going through similar situations.
Love it...I have read your story and it is inspiring.
Sometimes unfortunately you need to go thur crap in order to come out on the other side. Sometimes these situations can awaken feelings and issues that you try to previously buried because you did not want to deal with them.
Honestly I think there are many many marriages in which the people are just exisitng, staying for the kids, financial, etc. Just because there is no infidelity in those marriages doesn't mean that they are good or better marriages than those that have suffered and made it thru infidelity.
Thanks.
We did hit rock bottom. There was nowhere to go but up...
The only way that we could have possibly made it worse is if we decided not to try.
That's my point. By implying that I have no friends now that I have chosen to work things out with my husband, he showed his true colors and I am more certain than I was even before that I made the right decision in removing him.
PLUS I can guarantee you that you DO have friends still, because I'm one! And I'm gonna give you the kick in the butt you need sometimes to work on your marriage, both so YOU can be a better person and so your marriage can be more healthy and more intimate and more mature! So working on your marriage does not = losing all friends. It does = losing those friends who would threaten or harm the marriage.
Positive changes while in separation/divorce:
#1--I learned I can live through a lot of pain, so I'm not really afraid of anything anymore. If I can make it through THAT and be sane...I can live through this little teeny crisis! LOL
#2--I discovered I like red. Red lipstick. Red clothing. Red toenails. Even red pillows! My exH was a "beige" kind of guy....
#3--I like grape juice and my exH would never "let" me drink it because I might spill. Now I look back and wonder, "Why did I allow him to act like he's my dad?" and I drink grape juice wantonly.
Positive changes from TAM:
#1--I've learned patience and that not only does not everyone see things my way, but also they don't do things when I want or how I told them to do it! LOL Okay I'm not a huge control freak but I used to think if people would listen to good advice they could save themselves a bunch of hurt...and now I know that if they listen sometimes they don't actually LEARN from it. It may hurt, but people HAVE to learn!
#2--I even knew better and I still had an affair, so never say never. Okay it may be "very highly unlikely" but the right mix inside you put together with the right mix inside your spouse and vulnerability means it could happen to anyone. So I've learned to have some understanding in replying to Disloyals rather than anger. Agreement? NO! I just can see how they got there....
#3--Good, bad, or otherwise, we are not alone.
Positive changes from being married to my husband:
#1--Oh this is really personal but it's really true. In my whole life I've never had someone in my life who genuinely cares about me, and I can tell that he actually does. It has been very hard for me to wrap my mind around that fact and trust in it, but I'm getting there. (Having a parent beat you gives you strange ideas about love and caring).
#2--We practice what we preach so on the occasion we hear "I have to talk to you" and we have to be open and share something that is scary. Even though it's scary to be that transparent to someone, the payoff of having one human know you that well is worth it.
#3--I never thought anyone would be as weird as I am--liking all kind of music and geeky stuff--and my Dear Hubby is. That's fun!
14Likes 
Positive changes that occured due to CWI... 
Helping couples recover and reconcile after an affair or keep their marriages affair-free at 
Okay I'm not a huge control freak but I used to think if people would listen to good advice they could save themselves a bunch of hurt...and now I know that if they listen sometimes they don't actually LEARN from it. It may hurt, but people HAVE to learn!
