Did anyone else catch their wife by sheer intuition?

anonymouskitty · 06-06-2012, 12:27 PM

I don't think we, being BS's generally see the other side of the story, yes she was selfish and yes she knowingly deceived me but ultimately both of us view it as a bad decision on her part and we all make bad decisions.

Besides as i said my behaviour during reconciliation was anything but civil towards her, snide remarks, name calling and rage and I'm ashamed to say that i nearly came close to brutalizing her(mind you I've never been the kind of guy to abuse anybody either physically or emotionally) and all the while she just took it with silent tears and I saw her beat herself up about the entire incident she still does sometimes but seeing that just kills you on the inside, when you know you're doing it just to get back at someone for a mistake and they're taking it without question.

I always thought that i was the kind of guy who'd never give second chances to anyone but I'm certain now that I'd regret giving her the divorce, especially when i was livid about the entire incident and cursed her to hell. I imagine I'd end up being bitter and cynical so yes i actually took her back and you're right better me than you

Thorburn · 06-06-2012, 12:28 PM

Pit said it. Read what Pit wrote.

Somehow you went from point 1 to square K. Doesn't make sense what I just wrote and it does not make sense that you are saying. The OM is to blame, ouch and your wife? She is not as naive or innocent as you present her to us. If your wife is this easy due to her being naive or not having enough experience in the world then you need to watch her 24/7 because it will happen over and over again. I would suspect that your wife actively participated in this activity with her eyes wide open.

My wife says she could not say no to people. I do see that as one of her flaws, but I told her she better start saying no, fast or there will be no future with us.

WorkOnIt · 06-06-2012, 12:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigLiam

Why do men accept this "lack of attention/loneliness" excuse? And why do some men pigeonhole/stereotype all men as just wanting sex?
No doubt the OM is a slimeball. But , putting down an entire gender like this is just wrong.
And, have you looked at whether your wife was just perfect in giving you enough attention and emotional support? i bet she was less than great in these areas, as well. yet, you did not cheat, did you?
it's a two way street. Wives have just as much responsibility for meeting their H's needs,as vice versa.
I realize that in the aftermath of betrayal, many BSs first look to blame themselves and the OM. The BS ids devastated and depleted by the trauma and self esteem and confidence are in the tank. So, in this state , we , often, take blame that does not belong to us.
You are a man, right? Are you like "all men" just wanting to get into the pants of anything female that moves. i suspect not. many of us are not at all like that.
And, there was significant value to your wife and kids from you focusing on meeting financial and other obligations. She should see that and be grateful, not cheat on you.

I don't mean all men, but I mean how men generally treat a woman who they don't see a future with, yet still want the goodies is what I meant. I think when a man sees a woman he wants a future with that is where the true niceness comes in and you don't make an immediate push for the sex because then it becomes almost disrespectful. There are differences and I am aware of that, so please don't be offended. Some people are genuine but only to those they can see something actually with. I highly doubt a woman in a relationship with two kids was this guy's future dream girl, along with all her baggage, hence why he believed he could throw the charm on, hook her, lay waste to her life, simply for a piece of ass, and best case, suck her in use her to be his maid, baby sitter of his kid, and pay half his bills. POF.com is nothing but a hookup website, and there's a reason this guy is trolling on it. I bet he played the same lines on all the other local women on there. It's simply the "game" and we men all know the rules that apply, but come on, a married woman should be off limits, and a real gentleman would have told her "WTF are you doing, you have a family, kids, and a husband, go home and work on that"... So there is no chivalry in this puke man, and no fantasy to someone like that.

Badblood · 06-06-2012, 12:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by lordmayhem

Awesome read! That's what we have been trying to get thru to many of the betrayed spouses here. Taking firm, decisive action. You can't love them out of the affair, you can't sweep it under the rug, you have to expose to the other betrayed spouse, etc. That's what it takes to get to R.

So tell me what consequences AK's wife had to face? She got to f**k another guy for 7 months, and was at the point of leaving AK, and now gets to return to her meal ticket, and gets AK to stop the D. And what does AK get? To be second-hand Charley. So AK is bragging about how he managed to put one over on her? This would be funny, if it weren't so pathetic. I swear, sometimes I wonder about people. Geez, people, an affair isn't a competition. If AK's wife had come to him and confessed, then R might have a shot, but because she was outed, the only thing she learned is to take it deeper undercover the next time. Since my STBEW's affair, I have read so many books and visited so many websites, it makes my head swim, and the one thing I learned is that WS's who voluntarily confess are showing true remorse, while those who were outed rarely do, and that the chances of E is far greater with the former than the latter. OP, I completely agree with Warlock, you will be WAY better off by ending it and looking for somebody with class and integrity.

anonymouskitty · 06-06-2012, 12:40 PM

It all comes down to what principles a man or a woman has.Mistakes happen yes, many people don't recognize it yes. And i know that most men(married) boast about their conquests never realizing that their wives might be doing the same thing. So as i said it all comes down to whether or not you ignore your conscience when you willingly go out to hurt someone. Why do you think the WS feels guilty(not in all cases) and remorse after the affair has ended-> Because they ignored that tiny thing that pricks you when you know the cake's not meant for you.

Badblood · 06-06-2012, 12:43 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WorkOnIt

Oh she's not innocent by any means, but neither am I. Although I never stepped out of the relationship, I treated her quite poorly at times, but I never recognized those things until all of this **** came down. I believe she started seeking an emotional connect because we were so disconnected, and the OM once the emotions were hooked did use the typical male predator situation to push for the sex... Hook them and **** them... We all know this is how men work until they find the girl they want to marry correct?. It's genuinely a very easy way to get a girl you never actually ever intend a future with. She's thinking rainbows, and sunshine with this "wonderful" new man, and he's thinking when can I get my rocks off next... I actually found a search on the computer after the first time she did it, but before the second and third time that was on google asking if she can fix her relationship after having cheated meaning she wanted to, but she also knew my opinion on it, and I believe in her mind, she had already ****ed up her life, so there was no going back, and her best chance at not being alone was to continue along the path she had mistakenly taken. I'm sure she already knew at that point that she wanted me, but I believe she thought it would never be in her mind for what had happened. I think the entire gravity of everything dawned on her when she realized this OM was never going to take the role of me, for her and our children and at that point the gravity of what she did hit her. When I confronted her, she said the CRASH was the hardest thing. Going from an imaginary scenario, to sudden reality, remorse, and grief at what she had done to us and her family. We lay in bed at night now, and we do experience memories, and that heart connection. She also wears the other shoe, and is very much afraid that I will not forgive her, and move on, and someone else take her place in her life. We've had talks about what life is really like starting over.. the 2 year woo factor, which is actually more like 6 months where you have two kids and baggage before the OM realizes all the kids do is cut into sex time... The reality is every new relationship is the same once the woo is gone.. So the grass is only green where you actually water it. I do think she's concluded that she wants to commit to her family, and realizes it was the biggest mistake she could have ever made. She feels regret and foolish for being played a fool and so easily mislead to destroy all she had, and had built at the whim that something was going to be better freely without work. I think she's more willing now to turn to me, rather than outside the marriage if there are issues. Time will tell. I am not counting on anything. I am not getting any hopes up, so that I cannot be let down if she is not truly willing to go the moral route. I'm not willing to be broken down again, and I've made my stand with this, she's aware, and she knows that I won't give a third chance. She's still here. We are moving 1000 miles away for a new job and new beginning. The one thing though that she doesn't understand is that although the affair may be over for her and in her mind and she wants it just to go away and move on with life and fix it, that my mind, and heart are forever damaged, and it's far harder for me to let it all go, and not want to bring it up, and I also realize at this point that the scars and images (movies) will always be there. MY biggest challenge will be to let them become less frequent with the emotional waves that come with. I know that anything I say can bring more damage but sometimes it's hard to hold feelings of anger back, because after all this was the ultimate betrayal, but when I look at it after the feelings of rage vanish, and I feel sane again I remember in my mind that there were periods where I was a monster towards her emotionally too.
I do not allow her to justify this, and I do not justify my actions either. A moral wrong is a moral wrong on either end. The hard part is that we made it through everything that life could throw at us for 8 years being 100% faithful completely to each other only to have this **** go south right before our wedding we always wanted.
Life's a real ***** sometimes. I've controlled the urge to want revenge, as I know it won't benefit anything, but god damnit there's days I feel like exploding and imploding and leveling everything around me, and then ten minutes later the rage is gone, left with sadness... I start counting and breathing.... Certain things I hear from her set me off, and other things are so comforting that I feel almost like none of this happened. I know factually if she could go back and change it she would, because the 8 years we knew we were closer than close to each other... It's almost like a switch flicked in her head for a month long period, and then flicked back off... and she's the person she was for 8 years again. I actually believe she even has no idea why she did this. She cries about what she did because I don't feel she can even comprehend why. I guess I just have to learn to be more emotionally in tune with her, and I guess she has to learn how to communicate her needs that way better so I'm aware. Apart from that we have a pretty good thing, and always did. Yeah sure it's not cool what she did ... but she did come back and marry me right?. She realized something, had some kind of awareness happen. She sure doesn't like the other guy much that's for sure. Like I said earlier I am not blaming this on the OM as she had choices, and moral ones to make, but he did kind of lead her through everything with the sexual push. I think in the beginning she was just looking for emotional connection, but hey that's the inexperience part of what men are really like with women they are not looking at for marriage or a future. That's reality. If more women knew this, they'd be less inclined to destroy lives with men who truly love them for a few weeks, or months, of useless fantasy. Things will never be the same, but I'm hoping that we can use her learning to become stronger than ever, and something even deeper, once I learn to forgive that is, and the images get a bit less painful.

Dude, you say you're not blaming the OM, but pretty much everything you say is maing excuses for your ws. If you don't respect yourself, and demand the same respect from her, who is to blame, then? Not the OM, right?

anonymouskitty · 06-06-2012, 12:50 PM

well she did confess about visiting a dating website 5 months prior to meeting the OM, now why would she have to? I didn't know about it. not till she confessed at least. BadBlood I think you're quick to judge and generalize people, you're still angry with your STBEW which is understandable. Call me pathetic, but I'd rather go to my grave knowing that I did the right thing(you might disagree here) and I was true to myself. I'm sorry that you're in a mess here but you need to let go of the anger sometime, yes people screw you over all the time, yes revenge can be satisfying but you'll always know that it still happened and that'll make you even more bitter and even more cynical.

I'm not here to brag about it, it was a very painful phase in both our lives i'm just adding my 2 cents so that i can help someone who's going through something similar. And if they do recover from it, I may have the satisfaction in knowing that i helped someone somewhere.

BigLiam · 06-06-2012, 12:52 PM

I just cannot buy that your wife is all that naive. Are you aware that many women have voracious sexual appetites and are every bit as predatory as some men.

For some strange reason, we cling to the belief that the OM are always the moving force behind this and that they are the ones fooling the women.
That is insulting to women.
Women who cheat , just like men who do, plan these things, pursue the affairs etc.
Have you read any of the women cheater's posts on sites like that ******* one. In many of the cases, the women are absolutely nefarious.

BigLiam · 06-06-2012, 12:56 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anonymouskitty

It all comes down to what principles a man or a woman has.Mistakes happen yes, many people don't recognize it yes. And i know that most men(married) boast about their conquests never realizing that their wives might be doing the same thing. So as i said it all comes down to whether or not you ignore your conscience when you willingly go out to hurt someone. Why do you think the WS feels guilty(not in all cases) and remorse after the affair has ended-> Because they ignored that tiny thing that pricks you when you know the cake's not meant for you.

we must run in different circles. Very few of the guys i associate with boast of their conquests. I suspect that some refrain because they know that doing so will make them look pathetic and juvenile, as well as cast doubt on their actual achievement in that area.
In my experience, folks that talk a lot about their accomplishments are , often, insecure and are fabricating.

anonymouskitty · 06-06-2012, 12:57 PM

@BadBlood:- I do trust her now but not blindly and I've accepted the fact that life is unpredictable, if and when the situation occurs again I know exactly what i have to do

Badblood · 06-06-2012, 12:57 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by anonymouskitty

It all comes down to what principles a man or a woman has.Mistakes happen yes, many people don't recognize it yes. And i know that most men(married) boast about their conquests never realizing that their wives might be doing the same thing. So as i said it all comes down to whether or not you ignore your conscience when you willingly go out to hurt someone. Why do you think the WS feels guilty(not in all cases) and remorse after the affair has ended-> Because they ignored that tiny thing that pricks you when you know the cake's not meant for you.

AK, with all due respect, you really need to get a dose of reality. If the OM had not dumped her, even if you served her papers, she would most likely still be with him, and you're OK with that? Did she do anything before he dumped her to show that she was feeling bad about what she was doing? So you got to surprise her, and have cussed her out a few times. So what? It's a matter of comparison. She got to eff another guy, almost left you and probably would have, gets to come back to easy street and what do you get in return? To be the second choice of a cheater. Also compare your situation to mine. I have a new woman who treats me like I was made of gold, don't have to worry about a cheating wife, and can enjoy life . You, on the other hand, will always be married to a cheater. Think about it.

WorkOnIt · 06-06-2012, 01:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Badblood

Dude, you say you're not blaming the OM, but pretty much everything you say is maing excuses for your ws. If you don't respect yourself, and demand the same respect from her, who is to blame, then? Not the OM, right?

Oh I respect myself, and each situation is different for each couple, and I'm not the type that couldn't easily wipe my hands, walk out and start something new immediately either. I am quite capable, but I also know my wife. We were in a bad place, at a bad time, and I wasn't as there as I should have been when she needed the emotional. I do blame her for her choice, but that doesn't mean I have to hate her for being human with a basic need for love. I don't accept the apologies though. Words now mean nothing. What I will accept is actions, and seeing her change to value what she has, and nothing less. If I didn't feel she truly regretted it, I wouldn't be here. As far as I am concerned it's both of them. This was not a choice I had any choice in. I accept that. All the choices now are in my hands. None of them are easy. What keeps me holding on is the regret and remorse, and the realization that she chose her family, and the fact that I factually know that she is not the person she was for a month long period. The other thing I've forgotten to mention is that she was also coming down cold turkey off some pharmaceutical antidepressants during this time period, that were prescribed to her to deal with other issues in her life, everything from abuse as a kid, both physical and sexual, to much worse things. She went from being an emotional zombie at the time when she did this to suddenly the person who could feel again, right about the time I found out what she'd done.

Trust me when I say this one truly regrets it.. I'm aware of the statistics, and the numbers, and the women out there who are just plain cruel callous *****es, but my wife was ****ing amazing up until this happened. I've been through 2 other cheaters before and not a single one of them actually gave a **** for what they did after the fact. I'm not blind stupid nor naieve, and not easily mind tricked at all. She now has to deal with the fact that she made a life choice over something she felt for only a short period of time, and damaged us, and our family forever. She doesn't feel good, that's for sure, but she wants to be here, and fix it whatever it takes. I've not been easy on her, because I'm one to believe that if you are, they won't realize that they won't get the chance to do it and hurt you a third time. I've put my foot down. Next time I walk and she knows this. I don't think there will be a next time and if there is, she is aware that she will never have another chance. I know she loves, me but I am not sure she was aware how much I loved her if that makes sense. I feel she didn't think I really did.

Women are fickle creatures so I've learned, and I will be a more attentive, loving husband, but I won't do it a second time.

anonymouskitty · 06-06-2012, 01:04 PM

@BadBlood If you read my story again you'll realize that I'd already let her go at that point.In fact i was actually hell bent on pursuing the D.
So she effd another man, i'm not happy about it but what am i going to do about it now? she effd another man and i've accepted that fact.
Your new woman may be treating you like gold right now, but we all know that even gold loses its value when its not dusted properly. I still think you're hanging on to the image of your STBXW being virgin mary, learn to accept the situation. And you are so wrong if you think that you don't have to worry about being cheated on again. Listen man, anyone anytime anywhere can be a cheater. It just takes one bad decision. Think about it and maybe get a dose of reality??

MattMatt · 06-06-2012, 01:05 PM

Hey! Wait a darn minute! Why would someone who is married be on POF???

BigLiam · 06-06-2012, 01:08 PM

Not sure if i recall this clearly. But, i was under the impression that badblood, initially, gave his wife a second chance, until he busted her again.
Sorry if I got that wrong.