HopeFulGuy

After reading other post mine doesnt seem as "good" but we're still hurting and confused. We have been together for 4 years and crazy in love. 2 summers I went out with another girl without my fiance knowing (not a date or anything like that) but it was still going behinde her back with another girl and this freaked her out because she believes that me and the other girl had plans on being together even though i keep telling her it was nothing like that.
Then about a year ago I was drunk at a party and kissed another girl (by kiss i mean peck and nothing more and nothing serious)
6 months ago I was drunk and kiss yet another girl but again nothing serious and just peck.
We stayed together through it all and things have been awesome but just recently she blew up on me saying how she doesnt know if she wants to be together right now because she doesnt feel that SHE is putting 100% into this and it isnt fair to me and that she cant get over me cheating especially that first time (which nothing happened). She still tells me she wants to marry me and have my babies..just not right now.
I love her and am very much IN love with her and would do anything for her and us. Should I just kinda let her do her own thing or maybe seek outside help? anything feed back would be great thanks for reading

Initfortheduration

Quit drinking. That could be the first commitment you make to her.

HopeFulGuy

I only drink about one weekend a month if that, and Ive told her Id stop that no problem. She says she afraid to fall 100% for me again because of what has happened. She wont fully open up to me about whats going on but i get pieces from both sides, how she does and does not wanna be with me. I know im the bad guy here but this still hurts, shes my everything.

justean

sorry but if you loved her you wouldnt do it.
you wouldnt keep puttin her through this.
trouble is, your selfish.
because you cant let her go for real.
because you dont want n e one else to have her.

Tim

Well, one of the feelings that one gets when cheated on is the shallow need for some sort of vengeance. Consider that your fiance might have someone on the side and feels very guilty about it and just doesnt know how to tell you.

She might be worried that you are not the one, and is currently looking for that but at the same time is comfortable with you and you are sort of her lifeline right now in case all of that other stuff doesnt work out.

If this is the case, then neither of you are mature enough for marriage. I speak from experience. Do not have children together.
I was told this a long time ago but was so stupid I didnt listen to anyone.

sunflower

Ummm I think that you love her I dont think that thats the issue I just think that you are just being selfish and playing still thinking its all fun and games but be careful with the game that you are playing. Nothing good comes and by doing it over and over after you told her wow if my H did that I would say peace out! It souldnt happen agian.

Sensitive

You both sound young and inexperienced. Marriage is a huge step. Unfaithfulness will not just disappear after there is a ring on your finger. Only you and her can decide how ready you are to make a lifelong commitment.

sunflower

Oh please it doesnt matter if the ring is on before or after GIVE ME A BREAK OK.

HopeFulGuy

She has no one on the side and its not that i dont want anyone else to have her. If anything its the other way around. She says that she couldnt stand to see me with someone else and I think shes only holding on because Im safe and all she knows, we are young. I really do only see myself with her we get along great and are best friends but im afraid that what I did ruined us. I know what i did was wrong stupid and could be the biggest mistake of my life. I really feel like shes the one and gosh I want to be with her so bad. I want to be with her because i love her and need her and feel i cant live without her shes the most amazing girl in the world and beautiful too, shes got it all, we had it all. If you all say Im selfish then should I be the one to let her go? Thanks for all the responses I dont really have anyone to talk to about this.

marina72

Hopefulguy.....

your fiancee was hurt, understandably, and you are sorry and remorseful, which is very helpful to the healing process.

Since she told you that she can't marry you right now, and that she still loves you but needs time away to gather her thougts... have you thougt of just giving her some space for a little while? This seems to be what she is asking for. And sometimes we have to do this, in order to either preserve, or better, a situation we are in. Since you two are not even engaged anymore and she has asked for time, I would give it to her, while letting her know that you are still there, and love her, and will wait for her (a reasonable amount of time, obviously you don't want to wait the next 10 years for her to forgive you) to go through her healing process.

In your situation, there doesn't seem to be a whole lot you can do right now. You could get into some counseling, for yourself, and invite her to join you. But it sounds to me like right now she needs to distance herself from you for a bit. It hurts I know, but it might be the only thing that is doable right now.

do the counseling for yourself, and ask her if she'd like to join you, but also give her some time and space, which is what she seems to be asking you for. And then after a time, maybe things will get back on track. If she says that she flat out doesn't want to be with you right now, there isn't much you can do to stop her leaving.

Hopefully you'll work this out, and move on with your marriage plans.
Lovingly give her the space she is asking for, and let her know she still is in your heart and that you still want to marry her, adn that you'll wait with open arms for her return... nothing unreasonable of course. You two can only do what you can do, if you decide you don't want to wait for her to heal, then you will have to make that decision too.

Either way, it seems it's at an impass. Talk to her, and work out a plan that works for both of you, and if that involves her taking some time away from you, then love her and let her....


this is just my advice, you'll have to do what you feel is best for you, and your girlfriend. I wish you much luck and success with your future , hopefully marriage. ;-)

AZMOMOFTWO

My question is, how do you know you won't do this again. I'm sure you mean it now but what caused you to do what you did? Granted its not as extreme as some but I wonder what little things like this lead to some bigger issues.

Having been cheated on, I can tell you its a loss you feel. A loss of the innocence of your relationship. If I had not been married and had 2 children, I would have walked away and never looked back.

As it is I am struggling mostly because I am not sure I will ever trust him again. How can I? So if I had the chance to start over with a clean slate. I might take that. Not that I can't now, I just feel more of a commitment to try to forgive and move on. If I can..

In your case its not too late. Give her the space and show her you have changed. Show her she is #1 with you and always will be.

HopeFulGuy

I have no problem showing her ive changed i hide nothing from her and if she ever ask or wants to check up on me i never get upset about it. Space scares me because when i hear it i think break up. I dont really know what space is but i think weve kinda been doing it. We dont talk much but when we do I let her know i still love her and want to be together but i always let her start talking first. She has been calling me in the middle of the night and saying she cant sleep without me but we dont get together.
I really have felt the change in me because this came kinda out of nowhere we werent fighting or anything like that. So after she layed it on me i wasnt mad and did the best to keep a clear head to really think. I weighed everything out I was "single" but had absolutly no desire to be with or even approach another girl. No one is better than the one i had. I looked at my life now and ahead and all I saw was her. I did all this for a little over a month and one night she called me and ask me to come over. We talked and she said that she wanted to be with me so we got back together.
After we got back together i decided to start acting how i felt about her and took the risk of wearing my heart on my sleev and just putting every bit of me into this. A week went by where we were in the honeymoon stage and it was feakin awesome but i could still feel she was holding back.
After a week I get a message..I just saw one of those girls you kissed im sorry but i cant do this...She said she loved how I had been acting its how she has always wanted me to but just cant let go of what i did.
I was crushed but understood. That was 4 days ago and havent talked since but she did call me last night and left a message saying that she was wondering what i was doing and couldnt sleep. I saw her today and ask if she wanted to get together later and she smiled and said maybe. So this is where Im at

Everyone that is writting back and has responded thank you very much it means a lot and helps keep it coming plaese.