(Share) Found a great ebook on how to fix a marriage after an affair

WorkOnIt · 06-08-2012, 10:38 PM

Found a great ebook with good techniques on dealing with your WS.

44 MB large so it's a download but a GOOD read.. Good techniques.

Adobe Acrobat or Foxit should open it.

http://bit.ly/KijT0E

morituri · 06-09-2012, 09:36 AM

That pdf ebook is Dr Willard Harley's "Surviving An Affair". The book does a good job of showing how affairs have their origins when marital boundaries are violated. Unfortunately it is extremely deficient on helping the betrayed spouse to properly process the emotional trauma and all the evils that come from it. The sample case of "Jon and Sue" is a nightmarish one for the victim, Jon, when he undergoes the trauma of discovery of his wife having sex with the OM in their marital bed after he returns home early from a business trip. NO ONE should have to endure what Jon went through. Although the affair ends when Jon forces Sue to live with the OM, the unremorseful, blame shifting cheating wife, Sue, is simply too much to deal with. Dr Harley glosses over the damage suffered by Jon and declares that the marriage was saved, but at what cost to Jon's soul?

Not a book I would recommend to a betrayed spouse, especially a husband, who is trying to recover from his/her cheating spouse's affair as well as trying to ascertain if the marriage is worth saving or not.

WorkOnIt · 06-09-2012, 10:36 AM

morituri, I agree with what you say but the portion that may help those trying to reconcile is the "love bank" theory where deposits, rather than withdrawals may help some discover how to win that affection back. Many BS especially men realize they got too comfortable in their lives and didn't make very many deposits, but simply withdrew from the bank. I agree it doesn't address a BS feelings well at all, but that simple theory of the Love Bank is such a simple one that almost any man can understand what he needs to do in order to have his wife fall for him again if he's willing to choose the long hard road of R. By far R is harder than D once you've been betrayed but I do believe if your WS is not a serial by nature, you can have a shot at having a better marriage than you had if both people want it, and are willing to work for it.

morituri · 06-09-2012, 11:16 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WorkOnIt

By far R is harder than D once you've been betrayed

I totally disagree with you on this because if that was the case, this forum and others like it, would have very few members. I've been D and I can tell you that after my ex-wife's affair, and my first wife's death from cancer, my decision to D her was the 3rd most gut wrenching experience in my life. Unlike a lot of affairs in the which cheating spouse has emotionally disconnected with the betrayed spouse because he/she is sexually/emotionally invested with his AP, but in the case of my ex-wife's affair, she never stopped being loving and sexual towards me. I did not make the decision to D her solely based because her betrayal was a deal breaker for me, but more importantly because it would assist me in my emotional and mental healing. Nevertheless, my decision to D her is one of the top 3 gut wrenching experiences of my life.

WorkOnIt · 06-09-2012, 12:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by morituri

I totally disagree with you on this because if that was the case, this forum and others like it, would have very few members. I've been D and I can tell you that after my ex-wife's affair, and my first wife's death from cancer, my decision to D her was the 3rd most gut wrenching experience in my life. Unlike a lot of affairs in the which cheating spouse has emotionally disconnected with the betrayed spouse because he/she is sexually/emotionally invested with his AP, but in the case of my ex-wife's affair, she never stopped being loving and sexual towards me. I did not make the decision to D her solely based because her betrayal was a deal breaker for me, but more importantly because it would assist me in my emotional and mental healing. Nevertheless, my decision to D her is one of the top 3 gut wrenching experiences of my life.

I understand what you're saying too. D for me right now would be too heartwrenching. I don't think it's an easy decision either way. To me it's worth working on only if she's truly learned.

Coffee Amore · 06-09-2012, 12:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by WorkOnIt

morituri, I agree with what you say but the portion that may help those trying to reconcile is the "love bank" theory where deposits, rather than withdrawals may help some discover how to win that affection back. Many BS especially men realize they got too comfortable in their lives and didn't make very many deposits, but simply withdrew from the bank. I agree it doesn't address a BS feelings well at all, but that simple theory of the Love Bank is such a simple one that almost any man can understand what he needs to do in order to have his wife fall for him again if he's willing to choose the long hard road of R. By far R is harder than D once you've been betrayed but I do believe if your WS is not a serial by nature, you can have a shot at having a better marriage than you had if both people want it, and are willing to work for it.

Harley's books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Lovebusters" explains the same concepts very well. I found Lovebusters very helpful. I haven't read SAA but the other two books he wrote have good information. His books are fine. Just stay off his message board.

Acabado · 06-09-2012, 12:42 PM

Quote:

His books are fine. Just stay off his message board

Yes!!

morituri · 06-09-2012, 01:00 PM

I have both his books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". They are both excellent and good guides to having a happy and fulfilling committed relationship. But as far as "Surviving An Affair", let's just say that IMNSHO he could have done a better job on the "Surviving" part of it by adding information on how the betrayed spouse can heal from his/her spouse's betrayal.

iheartlife · 06-09-2012, 04:19 PM

I preferred Not Just Friends to Surviving an Affair. I found NJF way more detailed. But I love His Needs / Her Needs and Love Busters.

BigLiam · 06-09-2012, 04:37 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by morituri

That pdf ebook is Dr Willard Harley's "Surviving An Affair". The book does a good job of showing how affairs have their origins when marital boundaries are violated. Unfortunately it is extremely deficient on helping the betrayed spouse to properly process the emotional trauma and all the evils that come from it. The sample case of "Jon and Sue" is a nightmarish one for the victim, Jon, when he undergoes the trauma of discovery of his wife having sex with the OM in their marital bed after he returns home early from a business trip. NO ONE should have to endure what Jon went through. Although the affair ends when Jon forces Sue to live with the OM, the unremorseful, blame shifting cheating wife, Sue, is simply too much to deal with. Dr Harley glosses over the damage suffered by Jon and declares that the marriage was saved, but at what cost to Jon's soul?

Not a book I would recommend to a betrayed spouse, especially a husband, who is trying to recover from his/her cheating spouse's affair as well as trying to ascertain if the marriage is worth saving or not.

One think I noticed about Harely is how incredibly sexist he is, with very antiquated notions about women.

morituri · 06-09-2012, 04:39 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by iheartlife

I preferred Not Just Friends to Surviving an Affair. I found NJF way more detailed. But I love His Needs / Her Needs and Love Busters.

I also liked "Not Just Friends" over Surviving An Affair". SAF only covers lightly the topics in "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters", two books that should be part of every couple's library.

BigLiam · 06-09-2012, 04:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Acabado

Yes!!

Oh, God, that message board is full of zealots who claim they spek for Harley. I would think he would want to distance himself from a lot of them, as they are rabid, Kool_Aid drinking types who have him on a pedestal.
One would thing having a PhD in psych makes one infallible.

Coffee Amore · 06-09-2012, 05:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by BigLiam

Oh, God, that message board is full of zealots who claim they spek for Harley. I would think he would want to distance himself from a lot of them, as they are rabid, Kool_Aid drinking types who have him on a pedestal.
One would thing having a PhD in psych makes one infallible.

He knows what goes on the board. People have written to him about it. I used to think like you do. Why wouldn't he distance himself from them? Then I realized it makes perfect sense from a business standpoint. At one time, you could get great peer advice from the board (ie. in the old days) so why go to the good doctor for help? However, if the board is nasty and cliquish, you'd go to him for help so their antics actually drive people to his online course and phone consults and retreats.

WorkOnIt · 06-09-2012, 05:34 PM

Does anyone have any of these other books in ebook format? .pdf?

BigLiam · 06-09-2012, 06:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Coffee Amore

He knows what goes on the board. People have written to him about it. I used to think like you do. Why wouldn't he distance himself from them? Then I realized it makes perfect sense from a business standpoint. At one time, you could get great peer advice from the board (ie. in the old days) so why go to the good doctor for help? However, if the board is nasty and cliquish, you'd go to him for help so their antics actually drive people to his online course and phone consults and retreats.

Makes sense, although it might also drive folks away. I felt like I'd fallen into a time warp and wound up in a revival held in a tent in the deep south in about 1870.
If I did not see infidelity as inexcusable, I could almost understand that poor cheater married to Melody Lane stepping out. Poor guy must have been castrated by now.