I'm writing this in hopes of some good advice and for my sanity. For a brief summary, my W and I have been married for almost 7 years, and have been together for almost 8 years. We have two sons (8 yr old is her son/my stepson, and 6 yr old). Up until a couple weeks ago, I thought our relationship was really good. We have never had any real conflicts (financially stable and have good job stability). We're both in the military, and I'm currently deployed on the other side of the world and have been away from home the past 7 months. My W has had to deal with the entire household pretty much by herself and raising our sons. We rarely argue, and when we do it's usually about our sons and regarding our parenting skills (I'll detail later if necessary). Anyways, a week and a half ago I noticed that my W was not acting normal (meaning not communicating as she normally did, with the usual I love you and miss you so much, etc). When I asked her what was wrong, she opened up and told me that was wasn't happy (which was a big shock to me, because up until that point, she had always been telling me how great of a husband and dad I am, and she'd tell me she brags to he co-workers about me too). I asked her why she wasn't happy, and she described how we both needed to be better parents and needing to be there more for our kids, how I don't do the same things I use to do for her, and she wasn't sure if things would ever be the same. She concluded with she loved me, wanted to work things out when I got home, and she's not going anywhere. She also stated no matter what happened, she wanted us both to be there for our kids. I agreed to everything she said, and agreed as well to her saying she wanted to fight for me and she wanted me to fight for her. I broke down and cried, but told her I wouldn't make any more excuses, and would do everything I could to make changes. After that, we went back to our normal conversations and treating one another pretty much the same.
As I said, this happened about 2 weeks ago. Starting this past weekend, I was suddenly told she was going to travel out of town (this weekend) and was going to have her friend watch the boys for her. After talking with her about it, I convinced my parents to pick the boys up from her and stay with them for not only the weekend but a whole week even before she would be out of town (to go to a business class is what I was told, and she provided details about it to make me not worry about not having told me about it before). So this past Monday the boys were picked up by my parents, and the W made plans to clean the house and keep busy while the boys were out. So even up until that point, we were still talking as we normally do and nothing seemed out of place. After getting off work on Wednesday, I call to talk to her. No answer......so I'm look cool, she had plans to clean and stuff, I'll call again later. Called again around her bedtime...still no answer. By this time, I'm getting worried (there had never been a day that my W and I have gone without talking to each other). So the next morning, I get a text from her saying sorry, missed your phone call....just needed the night off to forget everything. I'm like cool, I can understand that. Told her I was worried....no acknowledgement but responded with a random thought. I'm like okay....we exchange several other texts that seemed normal to me (this is while we're both at work, btw). When I got off work, I again tried to call my W.....no response again. I'm like wtf.....called several more times through the night....no answer. At this point I'm like whatever, and try to sleep (didn't work). By the next morning, it's Thursday (the day before she's supposed to leave town)....hadn't talked to her in two days over the phone or video chat (our normal, daily stuff). I try not to think about what might be going on, but it's got the better of me. Even then I played it off as her "needing the night off to forget everything". Today is Friday....still haven't heard from her other than "made it to town fine" text, and she hasn't contacted our sons in those three days either. At this point I'm freaking out....so I come up with the idea to check our cell phone logs (hers and mine are tied together under my contract). I noticed many, many, long timed phone calls placed to a guy whom we both know, but lives several states away. Now I'm really freaking out....doesn't look good. I also see she made a couple phone calls to an airline....the day before she is supposed to go out of town. Now I lose it. I called this guy's number and of course he doesn't answer, but I leave a voicemail on it saying for the sake of our children, he's interferring with my marriage and he should back off and let me and the W figure things out...after that, whatever. I then called her phone, and again no answer....but I leave a voicemail saying she should call me back so we can talk things out...I even tell her I will remain as calm as possible and will listen to what she has to say. Needless to say, she has not contacted me.
I've been through an affair from my previous marriage, so I kinda can keep myself calm enough not to do anything stupid. But I am having a hard time coming to terms with the very apparent possibility that I will have to deal with another one. If you would have asked me a month ago if I thought this would happen, I would have bet a million bucks "hell no" (if I had a million bucks). Now, especially with being deployed and not being able to directly deal with the situation, I don't know what to do. Any and all feedback would be greatly appreciated.
You are in a tough situation since you are located overseas.
Trust your gut because I think you are right that your wife is up to something.
Do not get angry or make any threats to her or the other OM that will get you in any trouble. Cince your parents have the kids let them know what you think is going on with your wife, where she is and what she is up to so you have their support in taking care of the kids.
I will pm a buddy that is active military stateside and see if he can give you more advice.
Stay calm and let us know if you hear from your wife or the buddy she might be with.
Are there official military steps you can take? I recall my FIL telling me that in the Royal Marines they have Welfare Officers who can help with this kind of situation, so as I'm guessing you are in the US Military that there'd be the same service? Maybe a padre/chaplain, too, perhaps?
There's not a whole lot I can do since the OM is not in the military. And if I were even to hurt her career, it would affect our children. There are mental health physicians available, and the W said she has been seeing one since January......I am pretty much in self-preservation mode right now.
There's not a whole lot I can do since the OM is not in the military. And if I were even to hurt her career, it would affect our children. There are mental health physicians available, and the W said she has been seeing one since January......I am pretty much in self-preservation mode right now.
I was thinking about what they could do for you, explaining options, compassionate leave, if possible, etc.
Happyman64.....I got a response back just a few minutes ago from WW.....she said she will call tomorrow but right now she's "enjoying her own time", is what she said. I can't believe what's going on right now, because like I said I would have bet that this wouldn't happen to us....now I'm in self-preservation mode and feel that I have to do everything in the best interest for myself and the kids. But even then, I feel pretty helpless....
I was thinking about what they could do for you, explaining options, compassionate leave, if possible, etc.
I talked to a counselor on Friday (before I check on the phone records), and was told there's not a whole lot I can do. What I do have is regular leave to go home in about 3 weeks.....about 5 weeks too late. I'm trying to stay calm and be strong for my kids.....
I don't think she knows what I know....although she is really smart, so there's the chance she has put 2 and 2 together. I don't know if she's in some MLC fog or what....I honestly am having a hard time thinking right now. I'm starting to read No More Mr. Nice Guy, and also purchased MMSL. I think those will have good information for a future relationship.....but since I'm stuck in the here and now, I can only think upon missed chances and what could be going on right now, behind my back.
Let her have her fun, she'll be dumped in no time but don't be her backup plan.
Just wait it out, as hard as it is. Consult a lawyer to get an idea what you need to do and what will happen.
Are you sharing joint bank accounts and credit cards?
I really feel what you're saying is the best bet.....I am having a hard time with being gone for almost 8 months and then coming home to this....I'm trying to be strong for my boys. I will definitely consult a lawyer too....I know right now I'm not thinking the clearest. We have joint bank accounts.....I will fix that first thing Monday.
I really feel what you're saying is the best bet.....I am having a hard time with being gone for almost 8 months and then coming home to this.....
Let's say you forgive her, can you leave again trusting her? I doubt it. Also while you're risking your life oversea's she's b***ing another man, it shows she's not wife material let alone fit to be a mother.
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I'm trying to be strong for my boys. I will definitely consult a lawyer too....I know right now I'm not thinking the clearest. We have joint bank accounts.....I will fix that first thing Monday.
Just to remind you, don't tell her what you will be doing just do it.
Do you have valuable items in the house? You might want to have them taken out and placed in a storage unit since she is away.
What a lousy place to be in, I'm really sorry man.
You know what's going on, we've all been there; even you in your previous marriage. By calling the other guy, you've at least tipped your hand a bit.
I would check her email, bank account info, or credit card online to search for that travel receipt. Between that and cell phone records I think you'll have plenty of evidence.
At that point, I guess I'd confront her. Then expose the affair far and wide. Then see what happens.
Good luck and do your best to keep your head on straight.
Also from now on let her do the calling and dont pick up the phone. Let her send emails/texts or leave voicemails, this way you have a proof of what she is saying/writing.
thanks for your service and sorry your here.
So it sounds like you are going to be on top of protecting your self finacially. Now contact your parent and inform them and expose the OM to them. This may help in keeping them away from OM. I suggest for now you lean on your folks as much as you can for support.
Your folks are your best life line right now and at the very least can prvent the kids from being around any unhealthy infuences that may involve your WW "time alone".
If you and your folks can come up with a plan to protect the kids from what appears to be some unhealthy behaviors.
Its my experience that often a waywards choices seem to snow ball, as the OM is far away there is no telling what your WW will do to ease her guilt and what she may start drinking or taking to eraes the pain away from what she has done.
In short your WW is not the same person she was weeks ago and the choice my have an adverse effect on how she behaves from here on out. So get some support from your parent and ask them to please get involved and do what they can to keep an eye out for any neglect they may occure do do her guilt, depression and state of mind she now is in.
Take this as a warning, I would hate to see your WW snowball in to a self distructive behavior due to her bad discision she has just made, and the effect it could have on the kids.
So please at the very least get some support in having someone validate or deny the possiblity of your WW going down any dark roads that will effect the kids. You may not beable to stop your wife from drinking her guilt away, but you do have a say in the welfare of the kids.
It was my experience that when my fWW was running around my kids were with and in some dangerous places, especially the early morning drinking my fWW was involved with.
7Likes
2nd Marriage, 2nd Apparent Spouse Affair 
