Here's something. While I do feel anger toward her for her part in the A. For her part in engaging a married man. Mostly, I just want her out of my head. Out of his head. He says she isnt there. That she was nothing. That he knows he didnt even really know her. And what he thought he felt for her was all based on a persona that she put forth much like the persona he put forth with her. He knows he put his absolute best foot forward ALL THE TIME with her leaving out the 'real flaws'. With that realization comes the understanding that she did exactly the same thing. The realization that she too was cheating on her H. She too was sacrificing time with her kids. She too is a liar. Nothing more. So I dont hate her. I am apathetic toward her. She owes me nothing. She tried to take everything. But in the end- my H is the one that cut me to the bone. He is the one that broke his vows to me. He is the one that looked me in the eye every night and lied straight to my face. He and he alone did that. In the end, when I confronted her, she didnt lie. She didnt deny it. She basically listened in stunned silence. Thats more respect than he gave initially. So No, I dont hate her. But if she were on fire, I wouldnt get water. That would take more effort than Im willing to put toward her.
Try to concentrate on the H in front of you. yes, he lied to you. He deceived you in the most cruel way possible. There was nothing special about her. If it hadnt been her, it would have been someone else. I believe that very strongly. There was nothing special about my H's AP. She was average. Truly. Im gonna go out on a limb and say your H's AP was no more than that. Beautiful women dont need to steal other womens husbands. They have a long line of available men. This Im sure has exceptions. But I think 95% of the time-the wife is smarter, prettier and obviously a better woman since she isnt screwing around with a married man. So try letting go of the jealousy??? I understand it. At first I was really jealous of her. Then I realized. It wasnt her. It was just opportunity. She was there and willing. Nothing special. She is a really thin, blonde with green eyes and no boobs. Honestly. Not the girl he'd normally chase down. But for some reason-HIS BIG OLE' EGO had to take that stroking. And she gave it in spades. So honestly she probably could have been Cruella DeVille and if she said the right sweet nothin's -game on. Its his character flaw. One he is very aware of NOW. He has boundaries now. I Hope. And thats all you can do. Hope for the best but prepare for the worst. But do not let HER have another minute of your life HW. Hasnt she had enough?
Ya know... I actually can relate to this. Granted, there was no physical contact with my husband and the OW, but those messages made me seethe. And, while I know I am still going to have days when the whole thing is going to rush back, I also know that the rage I felt even a month ago isn't there. I think, for myself, I had to hit my own "rock bottom" and crawl back up. Still crawling. But now, it is more about what my husband and I were lacking which caused both of us to seek attention elsewhere (neither went physical). I can't work thru all of this FOR HIM, I can only do what I need to do...and that has improved my outlook. Yes, we still have a long way to go. Yes, we still have things to work thru. Yes, there are some things that have gone backwards, but we are acknowledging those as well, and trying to move forward on those fronts. But I no longer hate the OW. I feel sorry for her, in a way. Actually, it's more that I feel sorry for her kids. And I'm not sure that's even the right word for it. She made wrong choices, not just about my husband, but the men she actually dated. She is lonely... not excusing her actions, just stating facts. Instead of "tit for tat" regarding her relationships, she should have either left and found someone who wasn't married, or tried to fix her relationship. Unfortunately, she has children stuck in this situation...
Sorry for rambling... I guess, for me, it was hitting my own "rock bottom" that changed the way I viewed the OW. I still hate what she did, pursuing my husband, waiting for 4 years to make her move, pretending to be my friend all that time... but I got to the point that SHE didn't matter to me. My husband matters. He chose to drop her, without question, tho he didn't really "get it"... he chose me. And now, my energy is focused on trying to fix us.
Yes, I just think of anger as requiring a lot of energy. I don't want to dignify the OW with that level of emotional investment; she means nothing to me as a person. I just have a bit of scorn but mostly pity that she has to get her scraps of validation from someone else's table. She's not mature enough, or deep enough, to find her own. I know you've heard it before, but indifference is the best revenge. She wins when she has the power to take over your mind and emotions. Posted via Mobile Device
funny, I'm not remotely interested in the 'other women' (however many there might have been)
I'm angry at him, I couldn't give a toss about them
I guess it's different if there is one specific AP which there wasn't in my case (as far as I know)
But he was the one that stood there and said his vows, not them, and he was the one that broke them
Oddly enough, I do not remember being angry with the OM, or my wife. I felt upset, but I can't recall feeling angry.
Though I did feel irritated with him when she made it clear to him that she did not want to have anything else to do with him and he persisted. Until she gave him the knee in the groin treatment.
Thanks all! I debated sending her an email telling her to **** off and that she is a piece of ****...after reading the comments I will not do that. People have cheated with a WS and were friends with the BS and that didn't stop them..so how then do I expect someone who does not know me and lives across the ocean to have any allegience to me.
I just got angry when I saw her giving him advice on what to do..like she has all the power over our marriage.
I think it is good to remember if it wasn't OM/OW (a) it would probably be OM/OW (b). If you're going to run around, you'll find someone to do it with. The OM/OW didn't exactly use magic to make it happen. To their spouse, your H/W is the OM/OW.
Thanks all! I debated sending her an email telling her to **** off and that she is a piece of ****...after reading the comments I will not do that. People have cheated with a WS and were friends with the BS and that didn't stop them..so how then do I expect someone who does not know me and lives across the ocean to have any allegience to me.
I just got angry when I saw her giving him advice on what to do..like she has all the power over our marriage.
Write it out. Then, either rip it up and throw it away or burn it. If you want to hold it for a couple days, then do that. But never send it to her. In the end, destroy the letter.
Yea, my husband's OW did that too. When he told her that I freaked out over the texts, she said that was why she deleted everything every night..and he should have as well. I never saw all the texts between them. Never saw all the pics. Never saw what pics he sent her, but I have a pretty good idea based on the dates of the messages and the dates on the pics in his phone. Only one pic/date is questionable. And, frankly, I don't want to know if that pic was sent to her. Frankly, I was guilty of the same things he was at one point, so the content isn't important to me anymore. What is important is working with my husband.
I never got the chance to contact her boyfriend. But I have an "insurance policy" of sorts. I typed up a letter to him and saved it to my computer as well as other places. If she ever contacts my husband, then I will let the boyfriend know what happened. I thought of sending it anyway, but after two months, I figured it would have looked petty, and showed she was still on my mind. I don't know, maybe that's part of why I was able to let go of all that rage? Because now, I have this in place "just in case" and will adjust the wording based on how much time passes.
That said, the OW/OM also deserves a big helping of blame if they knew the WS was married and still opted to become involved with them. A person who enters into an A with a married person does so knowing full well the damage they will cause, especially if there are children involved. Claiming not to know the BS, therefore not owing them respect or concern is a cop out. I don't know a lot of people in this world but I would NOT intentionally cause them harm simply because I don't know them personally.
In my case, AFTER OW was told by my H at the 10 month mark that he did not feel right about continuing the A and that he wanted to end it and focus on his M, she began threatening to destroy me and our M. She actually told him that if he hurt her, she wanted to hurt me. So yes, she deserves my anger as her invitation into my H's life was revoked and she still pursued him with the intention to hurt me and my children. She spent months begging, pleading, guilt-tripping and threatening while he went out of his way to avoid her texts and calls. At that point, she became a predator who purposely tried to end my M and demanded my H move out of our home so I am angry about those actions for sure.
However, I do think there comes a point where you need to let go of the anger. OW is not worth my time or energy and I refuse to allow her to take up space in my head forever.
Right now, I still think she's a pathetic, selfish, mean, nasty and manipulative wh0re though. But I do feel sorry for her H and her children.
Another thing that annoyed me was in one email from last fall when he was working overseas in a different location from where she was, she asked him did you have supper yet..make sure you have supper..like she was so concerned about him...trying to make her self out to be this caring loving woman...**** off lady!
Another thing that annoyed me was her.."I miss you soooooooo much!....god I just want to rip her eyes out reading that.
I know I shouldn't have read some of those emails the other day that I have not seen...
I have to admit it cuts me to the core reading some of what was written...it is so hard to read words from another woman flirting and fawning over your husband...and him going along with it. It seems so surreal...almost like an out of body experience.
I know I shouldn't have read some of those emails the other day that I have not seen...
I have to admit it cuts me to the core reading some of what was written...it is so hard to read words from another woman flirting and fawning over your husband...and him going along with it. It seems so surreal...almost like an out of body experience.
I have often wished I could have read some of my H's and his OW's texts or emails prior to the end of the A. I only saw the texts in which she was begging him to please talk to her and to please take her back or she would die. Yes, she actually said that. Those texts were enough though because like you, I'd probably read any emails between them over and over and torture myself.
I know it's easier said than done, but do you think it's time to stop reading those emails so you can focus on healing? And I say this as someone who would probably not do this myself so I do get it.
I can relate to the surreality of the situation as well. When I think about my H lying to me so he could sneak off to see that nasty piece of work, well it's a complete out of body experience every time I allow my mind to go there.
I know I shouldn't have read some of those emails the other day that I have not seen...
I have to admit it cuts me to the core reading some of what was written...it is so hard to read words from another woman flirting and fawning over your husband...and him going along with it. It seems so surreal...almost like an out of body experience.
Yes, it does feel that way. Another thing that hurts is when confronted, hubby said "well, she wasn't getting it from her bf, so someone had to make her feel better"... calling her things that should have been reserved only for me is NOT the way to "make her feel better"..well, it was, but you know what I mean. At least, he acknowledges that I was hurt by the exchanges. And he is trying to make it up to me as best he can.
Highwood, I don't remember if you said OW was married or not... nor if her H/SO was told. If you feel it too late to say anything to him, do what I did...write out the exposure letter anyway. Hold onto it if you feel you need to. And, if there is any contact, send it then. That helped me, at least.
No, she was single. Divorced, same age as me (43)..
I still can't figure out why a woman who was single and living an ocean away from her (boyfriend, my H) would be content with a relationship that was all online for the last 8 -1/2 months. Why would that be a satisfying relationship?? Wouldn't you want to be with a guy who you could actually go out on a date with??
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Re: How to stop being angry at OW/OM? 
Yes, she actually said that. Those texts were enough though because like you, I'd probably read any emails between them over and over and torture myself.
