I drove all the salacious texts and emails to the OWH's house. He was blase' about the whole thing. I said, "Your wife is driving some 25 miles from your home to hang out on our beach in hopes of bumping into my husband." He replied, "You look upset. I will read what you printed for me."
There is no telling what each couple has agreed to in their marriage. At least I felt better that he knew what was going on. I can't make him care, and I can't make her change. She already has several other boytoys lined up.
At least you made the effort. For all you know, he might have been cheating too, hence his lack of a reaction. But you did the right thing.
morituri's said this before, but the OM in his case, was found murdered recently. Now, I don't wish death on the OM, but I won't shed a tear either if it happens to him.
If the OM were on fire, then I would not panic, but walk at a steady pace and find help for him.
morituri's said this before, but the OM in his case, was found murdered recently. Now, I don't wish death on the OM, but I won't shed a tear either if it happens to him.
If the OM were on fire, then I would not panic, but walk at a steady pace and find help for him.
Hmmm, I wonder if the OM was murdered by an irate cuckolded spouse of the OW?
In my case if OW was drowning, I would call the rescue squad but wouldn't risk my life to save her.
I would call the squad for my own peace of mind, only.
In my case, AFTER OW was told by my H at the 10 month mark that he did not feel right about continuing the A and that he wanted to end it and focus on his M, she began threatening to destroy me and our M. She actually told him that if he hurt her, she wanted to hurt me. So yes, she deserves my anger as her invitation into my H's life was revoked and she still pursued him with the intention to hurt me and my children. She spent months begging, pleading, guilt-tripping and threatening while he went out of his way to avoid her texts and calls. At that point, she became a predator who purposely tried to end my M and demanded my H move out of our home so I am angry about those actions for sure.
This happened in my case, too. At first I was only angry at my STBEH, but later when she continued her pursuit and trouble making after being dropped, I started to become angry at her. IMO that's normal.
This whole thing is like being on a carousel...but all you want is for your purty little horse to turn real so you can jump off the ride and head towards the sunset preferably by yourself so you can heal and return strong and well without a care in the world ready to tackle varmints and mudslingers and cheaters and lowlife's. But sadly, the horse keeps going up and down and the only way for the fluctuations to stop is to get off the ride or to cut the power.
After a period of feeling indifferent I'm going through an angry period again and I know the only way for this to stop is for them to no longer be working together. The OW was my "friend"...kids in school together in our mutual town. She works under (no pun intended) my husband in a nearby city. He is looking for a new job. It can't come soon enough.
I think the only way to truly move towards a neutral feeling is either by miracle (horse/sunset) or with the knowledge that your sig other/waywardwaywardwaywardwaywardspousebadboypersonmyop icdude is no longer focused AT ALL on the other person and that can only come through a demonstration of ACTION on his/her part that they are devoted to you and your relationship. That creates security and rebuilds trust. Until then you have to do what you need to do regain your internal security and feelings of self-worth. Loving the good things. This anger bit, though motivating at times can eat away at us. It's not just a cliche. Get outside. Feel beautiful because you are and dress up for yourself. Spend time with people who build you up. (I'm self-talking too (-). Big hug your way. Posted via Mobile Device
I know I shouldn't have read some of those emails the other day that I have not seen...
I have to admit it cuts me to the core reading some of what was written...it is so hard to read words from another woman flirting and fawning over your husband...and him going along with it. It seems so surreal...almost like an out of body experience.
I am glad I read them. I needed to see how my STBEH really felt about me. I don't care if it was a Mid life crisis for him, He's 59. It was still stuff he said and he can never take it back. I see he hates the fact that I saw the emails and texts between them. To bad.
Not only was it surreal reading emails and texts that read like a cheap porn novel on the OW's part, but the part where my own husband was complaining about me.
He was complaining about things that he always said he loved about me, like being cautious with his money, and liking to cook at home, and being happy with simple things and being an intelligent intellectually curious woman.
All of a sudden he meets this brainless, spendy, flirty, sl&*tie woman who mentioned in the emails how she never cooked or cleaned the house, had a nanny so she could neglect her kids while she went off being sl*&tie, and liked to go to spas and spent her husbands money on things he never knew about....
... and then...all the things my STBEH ALWAYS said attracted me to him and that he loved about me, suddenly repelled him.
Hmmm, I wonder if the OM was murdered by an irate cuckolded spouse of the OW?
In my case if OW was drowning, I would call the rescue squad but wouldn't risk my life to save her.
I would call the squad for my own peace of mind, only.
You are a good person. I found what you wrote inspiring. I want to be more like you. I pray for the day that I would not look on and do nothing to help. I will get there. I am still bitter. It will change, I will heal, and that is better for all concerned.
I can relate to the surreality of the situation as well. When I think about my H lying to me so he could sneak off to see that nasty piece of work, well it's a complete out of body experience every time I allow my mind to go there.
That's so true, Zanna. It's the lying part that I am having a lot of difficulty wrapping my brain around.
He would look me straight int he eye and swear he would never cheat on me.
He would come home and hug me and make up some half lie about being out drinking with a friend, if I questioned why he was coming home much later than he usually did on boy's night out or after business meetings.
Well it was a friend, he just neglected to mention it was a girlfriend.
And, all so he could go off and be with a confessed (actually she bragged about it) serial cheater who often had sex at club in her car, club bathrooms, parking lots and claims she was a member of the mile high club which means she had sex in a airliner bathroom. Ugh.
I am glad I read them. I needed to see how my STBEH really felt about me. I don't care if it was a Mid life crisis for him, He's 59. It was still stuff he said and he can never take it back. I see he hates the fact that I saw the emails and texts between them. To bad.
Not only was it surreal reading emails and texts that read like a cheap porn novel on the OW's part, but the part where my own husband was complaining about me.
He was complaining about things that he always said he loved about me, like being cautious with his money, and liking to cook at home, and being happy with simple things and being an intelligent intellectually curious woman.
All of a sudden he meets this brainless, spendy, flirty, ****tie woman who mentioned in the emails how she never cooked or cleaned the house, had a nanny so she could neglect her kids while she went off being ****tie, and liked to go to spas and spent her husbands money on things he never knew about....
... and then...all the things my STBEH ALWAYS said attracted me to him and that he loved about me, suddenly repelled him.
All the emails/texts are burned into my brain forever. So painful to read. And the compliments he gave to her, and he could not give me one, not even a "You look nice" when we were going somewhere special. And I always compliment him, there is so much that I find appealing about him. It hurts so very much. I wish no one in this world of ours would ever have to feel that kind of pain again.
These days everyone is so much in a hurry to forgive and accept and accomodate.
Why? Have we become a culture of doormats? Anger directed against enemies is reasonable and natural. It's nature giving us motivate and focus against threats.
when the OW/OM stops being a threat you can down grade them to not current enemy, but don't rush it.
The anger is definitely a protective mechanism, IMO.
I do think our culture forgive cheaters far too easily. Everyone, including the counselors are all to quick to suggest forgiveness or to attribute too much blame to the loyal spouse.
All the emails/texts are burned into my brain forever. So painful to read. And the compliments he gave to her, and he could not give me one, not even a "You look nice" when we were going somewhere special. And I always compliment him, there is so much that I find appealing about him. It hurts so very much. I wish no one in this world of ours would ever have to feel that kind of pain again.
I experience that, too, the compliments thing.
My STBEH was not the type to compliment on a nice dress or my hair.
Yet, I saw that he did this with the OW in texts and email.
Complimenting her pants and her newly coifed hair fresh from the expensive hair salon, and her whitened teeth fresh from having them whitened at the dentist's office. He also never noticed new clothing on me. I used to joke about it.
I do my hair at home, and it looks good, but he never noticed. I also whiten my teeth at home because the dentists wants big bucks for it.
He never noticed when mine were whitened.
How can you not harbor anger and resentment after seeing things like that?
Sometimes it's hard to NOT be mad at the OW/OM...sure, your H/W is the one who make the choice to cheat, but some of these OW/OM are scum, who relentlessly chase. They're 'in your face' about it; they taunt; they steal. Kind of hard not to get mad and stay mad.
I'm still mad at the old wh0re who tried to come between me and my husband by trying to start up a texting dialogue, even though she'd stopped talking to him a few years before...before even I was on the scene! The only reason she started up was because she wanted to cause sh!t. To come between us. So ya. Phuckin' right I'm mad at her.
Sometimes it's hard to NOT be mad at the OW/OM...sure, your H/W is the one who make the choice to cheat, but some of these OW/OM are scum, who relentlessly chase. They're 'in your face' about it; they taunt; they steal. Kind of hard not to get mad and stay mad.
I'm still mad at the old wh0re who tried to come between me and my husband by trying to start up a texting dialogue, even though she'd stopped talking to him a few years before...before even I was on the scene! The only reason she started up was because she wanted to cause sh!t. To come between us. So ya. Phuckin' right I'm mad at her.
I go back and forth on this myself. I am still immensely angry with the OM, as I knew and trusted him. He was a pastor at a former church of ours. But I also know that my anger with him is a reflection of my anger with my wife. I was 110% clueless on DD#1. I swore up and down to myself that is was all a misunderstanding. I trusted my wife without a doubt for 11 years. My world crumbled in a day. "Who are you" screamed at her, she transformed before my eyes not only figuratively in perception, but once she had admitted to having an EA only (which was a lie) her demeanor changed, and all the things that should have been red flags for me became glaringly obvious.
I am not a violent man by nature, in fact I avoid confrontation whenever possible. Being a large man for most of my life (6'1 240lbs) most people are intimidated by me just naturally. But I am angry enough still to this day (Post DD#2 by 60 days) that I cannot travel home to see my family in my home town because he lives there, and I don't trust myself. I have never been this angry before.
On the flip side of it, during our R, and in speaking with my wife. I know there is a look of sadness on my face that she always questions. I have never once in my whole life been unfaithful to any partner. Not because I did not have opportunities, but because I respect myself more than that, and the I cannot bear to hurt the people I love.
How to stop being angry? I'm not sure, it's day to day for me. Some days I'm hopeful and positive, some days I am sad on down to angry and bitter. It's new ground for me, some days I try to figure out why I am giving her this chance to rebuild what she destroyed. Other days I feel like if I ever showed another person a sign of ultimate love, it would be working through the remnants of our wrecked marriage, and forging a new one. Living each day the rest of my life wondering, and checking.
Most tell me to let it go and move on, I have made my choice. But only one of those talking has ever been through the betrayal I have. His marriage never lasted through the R. So if you find the answer, spread it around OK? =)
I wish you the best of luck, my thoughts go out to you, knowing you know pain the way I do, the way most of us do.
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Re: How to stop being angry at OW/OM? 
). Big hug your way.
