Well, I think I am well on my way to a Divorce.
A little past history...
My husband and I have been married now for 13.5 years. He cheated on me for most of 2010. I discovered it, did A LOT of information gathering, followed him, confronted him, etc. He didn't stop right away. Then I contacted the OW (keep your enemies close) and she helped me bust him good on New Years weekend of 2011. At that point I told him I wanted a Divorce, even went so far to tell both of our families, and left with no contact for 2 days. When I came back (we have two kids who needed to go to school), he cried, apologized, said all the right things and finally broke it off for good with the OW. I asked him to go to MC with me but he refused. It took me a good amount of time to get past my behaviors of snooping and learning to trust him again. There were a few inappropriate relationships with females I asked him to stop and he did, though somewhat reluctantly. I won't say that life has been perfect since even without infidelity every relationship has problems. At first he was very helpful around the house, etc. and eventually things went back to the way they were before. I think that the only thing that was different was that in my heart I just didn't love him as much as I used to.
More recent history...
I and my husband are both heavily involved in our children's sports. I noticed what I thought was an inappropriate relationship starting between my husband and another coach. It wasn't anything major - just joking around, talking what seemed was more than necessary, etc. I even told a good friend at one point that I just didn't trust this OW. She told me that she didn't think that I should worry. A couple of months goes by and I start noticing the little signs that are red flags in our relationship... the cell phone is starting to be on silent more often, he wants to take separate cars more often than not, I find the Find My IPhone app has been turned off on his phone, he's starting to watch porn more often, and finally we are beginning to fight more often. In the last couple of weeks the fights are happening about every other night and range from the very stupid to the somewhat stupid (most often about sex).
I get a phone call in the middle of the night from his brother but decide I don't want to answer it. But then I get worried that something happened. So I get up to check his phone and find text messages from his brother about his mom being put in the hospital followed by text messages from the OW. One of the first things I read is from her asking if he enjoys her company. His response is that he likes it more than she thinks. Her response was "Just for the sex or bc I'm just that awesome??!!" I am floored. I had suspicions but hadn't thought it had gone that far. I want to wake him up and confront him right away, but I don't. His mom has been in and out of the hospital for months with liver and kidney failure and I knew that this time was probably the last. He lost his dad at age 20 and now at 36 he is about to lose his mom.
It has been a couple of days. I am not sure that I am really in love with him anymore. I think I know this now because I haven't cried once since I read those messages. I actually don't feel much of anything. I still care about him though. I don't want to put him through a divorce while is mother is on her deathbed (she is in hospice now). But then again I don't know how long I can keep on pretending everything is okay. He blames all the fights/issues we've been having on his worry about losing his mother. And I know it is no excuse but I worry about our kids (ages 10 and 7) the effect this will have on them. They really have no idea that we are having problems (at least I don't think they have an idea). I don't want to be a part-time mom. I love my kids more than life and the idea of sharing them and not having them with me kills me. In fact I am tearing up now over this when I haven't teared up over anything else lately. I don't want to reconcile for their sake because I feel like that's what I did last time and look where it's gotten me.
I guess I'm just back to being sad and confused about what my next step should be. I have begun gathering information again. He is deleting her messages from his phone (I know because I can see online what numbers he sends/receives messages from). I added Find My iPhone back on his phone this morning while he was sleeping. And now I'm here writing all this down, hoping I will have a moment of clarity about what to do. Any advice or words of encouragement at this point are welcomed...
However the reality of this is that he's running rings around you and clearly has no intention of giving up this OW and has he's been at this for years now
It will, I feel, sadly end in one way only.
Again there's is a really really annoying aspect of this about control and manipulation.
Here are you thinking 'well I cant deal with all this now because of his sadly ill mother'. Thing is you/we tend to say that as if he, perpetrator of all this, does not know about his mother's terrible predicament!.
The news is he knows about it just as much as you do and is imo relying on your delaying your reaction to his misdemeanors because of it all
If you are delaying any confrontation out of respect to his mum fine and that's understandable but out of respect to your H - NOO! He does not deserve it
your problem is you feel bad for him, but he doesnt care about your feelings. he isnt going to change, and if he did he would have went to the MC, but he didnt. you should be happy. its not just his life. Its your life too. and your wasting much of your precious time on someone who is giving their time to someone else. MAKE YOU HAPPY!
Go through the regular steps of gathering hard proof. Put a VAR in the car, install mobile spy on his iphone, and a key logger/monitoring software on all the PCs/laptops. Once you have hard evidence of the affair, expose it to the OW husband/family as well as your own family and his mother. It may be harsh, but having his mother learn the truth is the right thing to do. If she chooses to talk to him about his terrible behavior, he may actually have to face the reality of being a bottom feeding scumbag. As mentioned above, he is perfectly aware of his mothers health, and has absolutely no problem sticking himself into another woman, using his mother to justify and excuse that deplorable behavior. His sense of entitlement is sickening, and you have absolutely no reason to put your needs on the back burner while he fking around on you.
At this point you get your doks in a row, lawyer up, follow his/her advice, play the different scenarios the divorce might play, save the ''affair'' info so he stop the gaslighting when you confront him and file or if you can use it in the divorce procedings (but don't let it go under your skin).
As you seem pretty much out of love after being burned again taylor the 180 to your adventage, get the spirit out of it (the self improvement- the don't get dragged again in his foolishness nad manipulations), take the high road concerning your MIL passing away, detach and let your true self become the master of your actions.
Plan your future.
It doesn't sound like he was ever truly remorseful for the first A. Although, given his behaviour after, it doesn't sound like it was his first rodeo either.
He wouldn't agree to MC and he had inappropriate relationships with females, then he resorts to flirting then sleeping with the coach of one of his children's sports teams? I don't think you should be protecting him at all at this point.
But I certainly understand you wanting to protect your kids.
So sorry you're dealing with this...Your kids are lucky to have one sane parent.
I so much wanted to spend the rest of my life in the "perfect" family. The thought of the affair doesn't want to make me cry, but the thought of having to 'share' my kids time does. I don't ever want them to be away from me. They are my whole life, especially right now. He could have everything else in our lives and I don't think I would care. This is the first time in the weeks since I've become suspicious that I've really cried.
Last night, or should I say this morning, at 5am he finally came home. He lied about where he was going. My nifty little 'FindMyIphone' app came in handy last night and pinpointed his location - which a friend confirmed with a drive-by.
I wanted to go over there and confront him, but I always second guess myself. He is very good and convincing me that I am wrong and overreacting to something innocent. To the point that I am usually apologizing at the end of the conversation. So, I'm afraid that I'm in the same cycle as last time. Last time it took me months to finally do it. And that was only because I befriended the OW and got her to help me set him up. There was no way he could deny that...
I need the strength and courage to end this. Just haven't found it yet... I think I need some serious counseling of my own... I know rationally that I am making excuses but... Please somebody tell me that I am not the only one who has felt this way
If you're certain he's out having sex with this woman, either confront him now or start filing now.
The only thing I would caution you on is regarding your feelings. Don't act on feelings; that's how marriages are desecrated to begin with. Remember that throughout a marriage feelings fluctuate. Sometimes people feel like they're falling out of love, but in reality that is simply a rough spot. When people come through that together the love they experience after that trial is more intense and vivid than what they had even before. Don't be directed by your feelings-- you won't be happy if you are. He was directed by his feelings and it led him to adultery. Instead be directed by what you know to be true.
But the stipulation here is that he's cheating on you, and it's so very hard to put that trust back together once it's broken. Especially when this is the second time in the marriage that he's done it.
My heart goes out to you. I really don't understand why people do this kind of thing. I would say that if there's any doubt in your mind to try to get him to go to Marriage Counseling, but by the looks of it he wouldn't really be up for that.