My wife has been wonderful for the last 4 years of our five year marriage. My wife was in an abusive previous marriage. My wife has started getting over most of the baggage from that. She is now starting to have friends again. Unfortunately she is type of woman that has always had guy friends. She is also naive when it comes to men. She doesn't get that most men are around her to get in her pants.
My wife is stunningly beautiful. When she left her ex-husband several men offered to leave their marriages for her. She has been hit on by doctors, foreign diplomats, professional athlete's, and she gets eye-banged just about everywhere we go.
I am not the jealous type and she has never done anything suspicious.
She has a new guy friend. Who she has just started talking to for two months. She has told me that they are just friends and that if I am uncomfortable she will stop communicating.
I wasn't concerned until I looked at the phone bill and they are having 50 to 70 minute conversations on a regular basis. My wife has been open with me so far. Yesterday she was about 30 minutes late coming home. It was the same day I checked the phone records. She told me she was late coming home because of work. She did not tell me about the 70 minute phone conversation with her new friend. I confronted her about it and she said it was totally innocent. That the conversation was just friendship type stuff. She said it "wasn't worth bringing up because it was her talking to a friend. We weren't doing anything that really made me think I needed to tell you." I told her that she needs to tell me whenever she talks to her male friends to prevent further problems. I also told her that talking to a friend over and hour for three days straight wasn't normal. (it could be but I just never had friends like that)
I am concerned that my wife, who loves to fix people, might be setting herself up for an EA. I work in the I.T. field so I know there are no FB accounts, hidden email accounts, I have not used a keylogger but I know if there is anything behind closed doors she is too smart to use a computer. I haven't snooped the phone or text message conversations. I check every now and then and I have not seen anything suspicious. There are no extra phone lines or burner phones.
What do you guys think. I know many of you are biased, and maybe I need that. I am trying to decide whether or not to end their communication. She has been open and honest with me. So far she says that they both has set boundaries in their friendship. The Friend has been a WH before and admitted it to my wife. He R with his wife but he tells my wife their marriage isn't going that well.
So for now I am not interfering except for her telling me whenever she communicates with her male friends. I told her that I am fine with her having male friends as long as there is 100% transparency. Should i go further?
First step, ask if the three of you can go out somewhere or if he can come over for coffee. If that is a problem, you have a problem. If he needs fixing, you should be included in that as far as you want to be.
Since you no evidence so far - of her cheating, continue remaining vigilant.
I am inclined to believe that your trust is dwindling with this man in the picture.
Why dont you sit her down and explain your thoughts to her?
What is your gut saying?
If a married man is confiding to your wife about his problems in his present marriage, it is not a good sign.
I am not the jealous type and she has never done anything suspicious.
"Jealous" is an often misused word that allows some spouses to ignore normal marraige boundaries. Do not fall into this trap. There is nothing wrong with being jealous if you have reason to be jealous. Stop worrying about being called the "jealous type" and start setting up marriage boundaries that both of you are comfortable with.
Quote:
Originally Posted by badbane
She has a new guy friend. Who she has just started talking to for two months. She has told me that they are just friends and that if I am uncomfortable she will stop communicating
Since she told you that if you are uncomfortable with the relationship she will cut it off, why not just man up and tell her to cut it off.
The Friend has been a WH before and admitted it to my wife. He R with his wife but he tells my wife their marriage isn't going that well.
Even people that have boundaries that allow opposite sex friends would have problems with this guy. He is an admitted cheater that did not respect the vows of his own marraige, that will have even less respect for yours. By telling your wife that he is a cheater and that his marraige is not going well, he is telling your wife that he is available to her for an affair should she want one. This guy wants to sleep with your wife. Why are you letting him get the opportunist to work her?
Since you are OK with opposites sex friends, tell your wife that she can still have opposites sex friends but just not this guy.
Do His Needs Her Needs together and do the boudnary setting.
This is NOT about cheating. Cheating can be the end result but this is an EA or one waiting to happen.
An EA will take away and damge your relationship period. The problem is once it gets momentum it is next to impossible to put the genie back in the bottle and ecen if you get it handled the damage done can last years if not forever.
The key to dealing with EAs is to deal with them quickly. Time is not on your side. They can escalate over night.
Realize that most folks in an EA do not see it as so. They are just close friends. Personally I think you have enough information to assert that this is not acceptable to you. if you sit back and wait you will watch your wife get drawn deeper and deeper in.
You already know the relationship is inappropriate. You just do not know if it is ready to go to unfaithful. Cheating is just a stage of being unfaithful.
Is he a co-worker? How does she know this man?
My wife challenged me durng my EA. I was certain we were just friends. After I went through withdrawal I realized my wife was right.
While you say she has always had male friends it sounds like this was not the case during your marriage. She had a failed marriage already. Who knows if her having male friends did any damage their as well.
Be aware that at some point there is history re-writing. This guy may indeed enjoy her friendship but he also wants in her pants.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Last edited by Entropy3000; 06-11-2012 at 12:52 PM.
Even people that have boundaries that allow opposite sex friends would have problems with this guy. He is an admitted cheater that did not respect the vows of his own marraige, that will have even less respect for yours. By telling your wife that he is a cheater and that his marraige is not going well, he is telling your wife that he is available to her for an affair should she want one. This guy wants to sleep with your wife. Why are you letting him get the opportunist to work her?
Since you are OK with opposites sex friends, tell your wife that she can still have opposites sex friends but just not this guy.
I agree with the bolded but at some point you want to set general boundaries around what is and what is not acceptable with opposite sex friends.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
I have no problem telling her to end the relationship. My level of concern is very low. I have no problem going into fact finding mode. I know they are not texting alot since it is not showing up in the data plan. I know what his phone number is. I have talked to the guy briefly and the conversation didn't seem awkward. I do think that a face to face encounter is the next step I will take. I am not jealous of this guy. I just am just a very suspicious person by nature. Due to my past and having my circle of friends turn on me for their benefit growing up. I sometimes get more suspicious than a given situations warrant. That is why I don't want to over react to the situation.
I will start pushing harder for f2f contact. I want to know more about this guy other than what my wife is telling me.
I can in a one hour have all of her FB private messages sent to my phone. as well as all her email.
Thank you guys for taking the time to read this. My wife had no friends when I first met her due to the trauma of her first marriage. She has other guy friends who I have met and am cool with. I will see how the F2F goes. My wife hasn't talked to him in a couple of days and didn't fight with me on anything she was understanding of everything. If my wife and I meet this guy f2f and I can tell he's not interested in me at all. That will be the last of their conversations.
"Jealous" is an often misused word that allows some spouses to ignore normal marraige boundaries. Do not fall into this trap. There is nothing wrong with being jealous if you have reason to be jealous. Stop worrying about being called the "jealous type" and start setting up marriage boundaries that both of you are comfortable with. Since she told you that if you are uncomfortable with the relationship she will cut it off, why not just man up and tell her to cut it off.
Yes. This may be the last flight out of Casablanca. Take it. Otherwise you are giving her tacet approval to take this even deeper. She will not see this as approval for status quo. You will have approved all the rest that is coming along which you will find is going to become seeing each other and hanging out ( dating ). You will find out after the fact. When you do you will be told that she did not tell you because she did not want to make you jealous. Many men then start trying to prove they are not jealous. The exact opposite thing they should do.
Men who worry about being called jealous, insecure and controlling are controlled by fear. It then becomes darwinian as you are more likely to lose you wife to a man who has no fear. She likes that in him.
You are being tested. The hineymoon is over. She is ready for the next fittest male. Be that guy. Show her that you care enough about her to stand your ground while you can still come out the good guy.
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Like others have said, this is an EA or one about to happen. She's on the slippery slope here. When two people start sharing intimate details like marital problems, this builds INTIMACY....part of the progress toward an EA. They are already having long intimate chats. Tell your wife that she is NOT his individual counsellor. He needs to see a professional one.
You are not being jealous, insecure, or controlling by telling to stop talki.g to this man. You are simply doing what a husband is supposed to do: protect his marriage! Posted via Mobile Device
Everyone's logic here is really hard to argue. I will wait to after the f2f for her sake. My wife is hopelessly naive when it comes to men. She is the kind of person that wants to fix everyone. She is looking for friends I think you guys are right. I have tried to put the shoe on the other foot just because she has finally started to make friends and come out of her shell. They are talking everyday and I just got off the phone and they make plans to call each other everyday. Forget waiting jeez I am just glad I talked to you guys. I will talk to her tonight.
I'll tell you this as a man: If I found a woman who had the time and interest to talk to me for more than even a half hour every day on the phone - I'd think she was open to being taken. If she found the time to talk for 60-70 min everyday I would know for sure that she had an open spot in her life and that if I invest the time, that I will be getting her into bed.
It's not about trusting your wife. It's about realizing that a man's reaction to seeing a woman who has so much time she is willing to invest into him, is going to take full advantage of that opportunity and go for it.
As for your wife, why does she have so much time she is willing to invest in this other man? If she has that much free time, why isn't she investing that in being with you and building an even better marriage.
By making herself so available she is essentially screaming at the top of her lungs to every predator guy - that she is open for contact. She may not intend this, but this is very very much the message the hear.
When my wife was on my phone plan, she knew I would check from time to time and she would just say oh its work related.
then she thought she was smarter than me. they started talking on yahoo messenger on her iphone and you know you cant track this. All you would see is data usage that she would tell me is her streaming pandora.
So do not trust that since she is not texting, it means they have limited interaction; i found out that it not the case.
Everyone's logic here is really hard to argue. I will wait to after the f2f for her sake. My wife is hopelessly naive when it comes to men. She is the kind of person that wants to fix everyone. She is looking for friends I think you guys are right. I have tried to put the shoe on the other foot just because she has finally started to make friends and come out of her shell. They are talking everyday and I just got off the phone and they make plans to call each other everyday. Forget waiting jeez I am just glad I talked to you guys. I will talk to her tonight.
If she is looking for a close relationship, it would be less risky to have that with someone of the same sex. That does not mean there can't be issues with that, but it seems your wife is looking to have a close bond with others. There can be much drama with this, and much concern if it involves a same sex friendship IMO. If she is going to talk about marriage issues and such especially.
Was her oppostie sex friends an issue in her previous marriage? Does she feel her EX was jealous, insecure and controlling?
__________________
Rectitude--Courage--Benevolence--Respect--Honesty--Honor--Loyalty
"All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing."
"Why do we fall? So we might learn to pick ourselves up."
"It’s not who we are underneath, but what we do that defines us."
Last edited by Entropy3000; 06-11-2012 at 02:16 PM.
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concerned husband 
