My husband of 11 years announced he was a bad man and had to leave. He is my second husband and I have 2 children from my first marriage... they were only 4 and 7 when I married him. Six years ago he moved out for 3 months and the day after he moved home I found out he had been living with another woman and her daughter. I was devastated! I struggled through, sought marriage counseling and found a way to forgive him and move on with our marriage. I believed he was sorry and it would never happen again. About 2 weeks after he announced he was leaving I found out he had met "someone"... I said that if he had a place to go that why didn't he and he did. After he left he was still controling what I did. He refused to pay the bills. told me he would give me money for the cable bill if I gave him in writing that I had either cancelled the bill totally or reduced it below $100 so I could afford it in MY budget. He lead me right to it. I ended up calling the cable company to see what changes I could make and ended up with his e-mail account. When I opened it I went into complete shock. I found indescent pics of him that he sent to people, found dating ads, requests for swingers parties and so much more.... I was devastated! He has totally abandoned us! He kept asking me to just sign for an amicable divorce without attorneys. I found he has kept money from me for at least a year and is now giving me nothing. I lost my job a year and half ago and have been seeking employment since... took a parttime job to supplement unemployment and have now lost unemployment too. WHY did he do this to us? WHY didn't he just leave before doing all these horrible things? WHY ME? How do I stop shaking 24/7? I am going to lose the house I have lived in for 19 years with my children now too! WHY? How do I find the strength to get through this? I can't seem to see the light at the end of the tunnel. WHY?
Oh, fear. First off, let me just tell you how sorry I am that you are going through such a horrible situation.
I'm glad you are here. You will find many people who have been in exactly the same situation as you.
Secondly, you have to stop asking WHY, because WHY doesn't matter right now. What matters is your future. He is asking you to sign for an amicable divorce without attorneys so that he can sscrew you over. Did you? Did you sign?
If not, don't. If you did, well, then, you have some rebuilding to do.
Please keep posting here, you will find a lot of support.
Well, I can tell you why. He is a selfish bastard. That is the "why." When he did all these terrible things, he wasn't thinking about you or the children. His pleasure is paramount, and that is why he made the choices that he did.
I don't know much about divorce law. I would seek legal counsel to try to figure out how you can reverse this financial situation. There are free legal / pro bono clinics if you are in the U.S. that can give you some assistance and advice. Or perhaps you may be able to find an attorney to take pity on you and figure out how to get paid via your husband's absconded money, which is likely half yours. Just because he hid it from you, doesn't mean he gets to keep it.
Right now, you are still in a state of shock. That happens when someone betrays you this deeply.He clearly kept a huge part of his life hidden from you. You thought you knew him, but you did not. The person you thought you loved, and who loved you, doesn't exist.
If you aren't in counseling, I would do what I could to find that help too. In the U.S., many counselors work on a sliding scale so you only pay what you can afford.
If you can't afford counseling, look in your local library for books that discuss how to heal when a partner has a sex addiction. While your husband might not qualify as a true addict (he may just be a selfish bastard), these types of books can help you heal and recover from the betrayal. There are quite a few good ones out there. If your library doesn't have any books that qualify, identify the ones you really want and ask for them via inter-library loan.
OH NO! I DIDN'T sign! I got an attorney and I filed on my own! I filed for abandonment, verbal abuse, emotional abuse and infidelity. He has left me with nothing but my children! He won't even tell me if he has an attorney... although I found communication with one in his e-mail. I filed over a week ago and he should have received notice to pick up the papers at court by now, but my attorney and I haven't heard a thing from him or his attorney. I'm just at the point that I want to get moving forward. I feel like I'm stuck! I can't move forward and rebuild until this is behind me. I know I will never take him back, but why is there still part of me longing for him?
Thank you Iheartlife! I did find a counselor last week.... it is going to be a long haul. I was reading other posts and I think my H fits NPD diagnosis perfectly! He had a very traumatic childhood. He always told everyone that I was the best thing that ever happened to him... he continues to tell people how much he loves me but can't be with me... how messed up is that? How do you do this to someone you love and who has loved you back with everything they have?
Fear, I am so glad to hear you have an atty! And if he is not answering things, you are already halfway to victory.
As far as the longing? Well, that's because you are human. It happens. It happens to all of us, and it hurts. You just have to gut through it. I'm sorry, I wish I could give you an answer that would make it all go away, but I can't. It just is, and you get over it eventually.
Keep in mind that you are missing the person you thought he was, not the person that he actually was.
We all miss the person we thought we were married to. Painfully, we have all found out that we really didn't know the person we were married to at all. You have a long road ahead of you, I am still traveling my long road and it is hard. Hang in there, take it one day at a time, then those days will turn to one week at a time and then one month at a time. I have made it to the one month at a time stage financially right now. It wasn't so long ago that I doing it one day at a time. I can see that I have made progress and you will too!
Another day... made it! I went to my 2nd counseling session this morning and now off to work. Noone has heard a word from either my H or his atty... I am actually wondering if he hit the road... Now that he knows what I know and he should have received notice of the divorce papers, he will probably ride off into the sunset. He has a history before me of doing that. I really thought this is what he wanted and he found the family he has looked for all of his life. I couldn't have loved him more. I can't believe he has done this to my children and I. My son last night said that the only thing he had to stick around for was them and he hasn't even tried to contact them now in 3 weeks. It is for the better and they don't want to talk to him, but they said it would have been nice to know he had tried to contact them. My heart breaks for my children! What happens if he did take off? Will they look for him? Will I really be left with NO money? I'm scared! I have so many emotions that I am not sure what I feel. I feel like I need to release it, but I don't know how.
This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”
The waiting and unknown is starting to drive me crazy. He still hasn't been served. He won't answer my e-mails. He hasn't sent any money since 5/29. He hasn't tried to reach out to the kids he has helped raise since they were 4 and 7. I don't understand how someone can take 12 years and just walk away and not care whatsoever! I just want to get to court! I can't stand waiting! I keep having this tremendous desire to call him and talk to him.... but why? What would I really say and would I even get any answers? I'm going CRAZY!
That's the problem. I've stopped asking why but feel stuck. I am waiting for papers to be served and go for temporary orders. I am angry and scared! I want to call him up and say "What the FXXXX?" Really? After 12 years you can't even answer an e-mail? You can't even give me some money to take care of the house and kids? I want to slap him! I want to move on and this waiting is driving me CRAZY!