Long story short - husband had 3 month online and 4 day physical affair Oct - Dec. Told me in Dec he wanted a divorce, then said he didn't but that OW would cause a lot of damage if he didn't leave me, but didn't want to (we have 2 young children). THat was him trying to cover his tracks not realizing it was not going to go away and everything would be just fine like he and OW thought. If ever there was a fog, he was deep in the middle about 10 feet thick. So between Dec and early Mar, he went back and forth and made me believe that he was sorry and it was all about us now...came clean in Mar that he has started talking to her again after 2 weeks off in Jan, planned to stay with me and he loved me but wanted the cheap thrill. Has been very remorseful since and making major life changes. No conact since last confession - yes - he did confess and I did not know - suspected though. Had cheated one time very early in our 16 year marriage (I knew about and forgave him). He told me in December after this blew up about one other time about 10 years ago. Neither of the first 2 were more than a screw (but no less damaging). This last one almost lead to divorce. I never contacted OW (my children's safety is more important, although it pains me some now I did not expose her). She is psycho. Husband shows remorse and says he was so stupid and hates himself, and we have been doing pretty good for the most part recovering and moving past. I finally told him I forgave him and that the past is the past but never again. So now we are in recovery, and I am like "Holy crap - did this really happen - I know it has, I have been living it, I have cried the tears and wondered what was going to happen from one day to the next. I have sacrificed much, emotionally, physically, spiritually - been through it, but now that we are moving forward, I am like "for real - how does that happen - what am I doing?" So I want to continue recovery, but I feel like I have just been slapped upside the head wondering what just happened over the last 6 months. Is this normal? I am a bit angry again and wanting to expose, but what good would it do, and maybe too much time has passed for it to even matter...and that would mean that I have not moved past it. I just feel like Jim Carrey in the Truman Show - like everything I thought was real wasn't, and now I have to figure out a way to resume a life that is very much real but that shouldn't be - does that make sense? Is this normal? Does it mean anything? Is it just a part of recovery? I've had a lot of triggers over the last month - 2 birthdays, 1st anniversary after affair, 6 months since DDay and 3 month since last contact on same day. I am having a WTF moment and can't shake it. Again, yes, we have been doing pretty good considering only 3 months since last contact....but now this. How do I shake it off?
I regret that I do not have any positive words for you. We train people how to treat us, and you've apparently trained him that sleeping around on you is fine, and that you'll get over it.
Three times, at least, in 16 years, and that's what you know about?
You need to sit down and think about what you like about your marriage. If the pros outweigh the cons, then you just have to learn to live with it. It not, you have to plan something else.
I'm sorry this sounds so harsh. But really? You seem like you just keep taking it.
Thanks for your honesty. I partially agree with you - let me say why. I did not know he had cheated more than once until December when he said he wanted a divorce. It was at that time that I said there had to be someone else (and there was - she moved on him fast and he caved), and when he said he wanted to stay, I asked him if there were any other times and he admitted to the other one I did not know about. I could only process the current one at the time - I was dealing with the recent death of my brother from just a few weeks earlier. I went through all the emotions that a blindsided BS is hit with, plus I had 2 children to think about. So, while I did not allow him to think this behavior was ok (and we have since talked extensively - he admitted that at no point was it ever OK and that he was just weak got his ego fed and caved - lame, I know. Anyhow, as for him going back and forth from Dec - Mar - I knew of 2 times he started talking to her again, and yes, I still moved towards R, because he is my husband, because he is my children's father, and because of all of the stories I read here on TAMS about the FOG and how a person pretty much has to wean themselves from their AP because they basically have their head up their booty and if given a chance, they may just get it out. I thought in Jan that he said his last goodbye, but then admitted that he started talking to her again 2 weeks later via text and email. Said that he loved me but she was like a bad drug, and then in Mar told me that he had texted her for the last time that day after having an aha moment while trying to reconcile with me but still in contact w/her. I took my rings off that night, thought about it, and told him in the morning that what he did was unacceptable, that if he ever has any contact with her again I would expose them both. Said that I am not putting up with his weakness anymore, that he needed to get help, that I did not want him if he could not be 100% committed to me and our family, and that if knew he could meet my requirements for us he could put the rings back on my finger - and he put the rings back on and has made some major changes since then for the better. I still know we have a ways to go, but it just takes me back to my original question - is what I am feeling normal? If he screws up again, I made it clear that there will be no us and I will not be around to pick him up when he fails and screws up his life with work and his children. If he keeps on the straight and narrow, will I keep feeling like this? I don't know what I am feeling. I almost can't belive that what happened did, and wonder if this is normal 3 months into R. What might he be dealing with? He said he was totally done with her 3 months ago when he last fessed up - and has been depressed with a lot of self hate.....is that normal?
It almost sounds like you want to trust and believe him so badly you are not really considering life a month, a year, etc. down the road. Why would you think that he is now telling the truth after lying so many times before? Do you want to live with that doubt all the time? If that doesnt bother you, you are incredibly forgiving but very naive. The next time he screws up he will tell you right away, wait for you to find out, or just tell you when he feels like hurting you some more with the tale. I can tell you love him, but what makes you think he values you and your loyalty to him?
I don't even know what I want to say or ask...feeling numb. In R - yes, but for some reason I want to kick the crap out of him and scream at him until his ears bleed.....maybe because I took the high road, and what I thought was the right road to save our marriage from the beginning. I did not think that being crazy and violent at the time would have given us a chance, and now I feel like I missed out on that boat too - missed the boat to expose her to her family/friends/boyfriend and give her a taste of her own medicine and missed the boat for him to really feel like he lost something. I know he is remorseful and has made changes, and I know that he hurts, but none of it because I did anything. Did I do the right thing by not doing anything really? Is this normal for me to feel angry 3 months into R? At times I feel like i lost everything and they lost nothing (I know she didn't). I do want to move on and I do want my marriage, but I am angry all over again.
For me living apart from my wife during the week makes R even more difficult but we are slowly making it.
You are normal.
I would have exposed it and still would but that is me. My wife is still pis*ed and very upset that I made her call her family and tell them what she did. She really is upset over that. I could give a rat's as*. She did nothing in 2010 with her sexualy online EA and I kept it a secret. My wife was not "forced" to call her family, she could have said no and walked. But I was not going to put up with her doing to me this time and it went PA, what she did to me in 2010 with all the lies and more lies and more lies.
So we each walk this path in our own way but in many ways our reactions, feelings, thoughts and actions are very similar. It is like death. As a chaplain I have sat with many dying folks over the years and each person faces death on their own, no matter how many people are in the room. In every case it is very similar. I can tell in most cases when a person has minutes left on this earth. I knew when my father was dying in February I saw something in him and told the family that dad just had minutes left. We gathered around the bed and within about 10 minutes he was gone.
It is the same with us. We go through the cycles the roller coaster ride of emotions. The doubts, the fears, the hopes, and all sort of other emotions and for me I am no longer asking if it is normal.
For me it is the question and why am I the fuc* here? Why did she do this? What did I do to deserve this pain? Why can't I feel good about leaving her and move on with my life and find a wonderful woman who will understand me and love me for who I am? Am I a fool for staying? I know what D is. I live it every week when I am in my stinking apartment with nothing to do. No dog to greet me. No boys there when I get in the door. No wife to hug me. I only get that on the weekends.
So right now our normal is looking at that SOB who stole our joy and trying to R and walking in suck each day trying to figure out what the hel* just happened.
And there will be those (some I have come to love on here) who will say why go through that misery? Because I know that D is not any brighter and we hope in some way to get that joy back. Maybe it is a freaken pipe dream and somedays I do not even see it as a dream but a freaken nightmare that I wish I could wake up from.
I remember one time in the E.R. I was a chaplain in a hospital and I was standing next to the cardiologist as she literally was pumping a guys heart with her hands. They popped his chest due to a stab wound. One E.R. doctor told me that in 40 years of practise he only ever seen this done once before. I was standing right next to the cariologist watching her frantically trying to keep this drug dealer alive with her hands wrapped around the guys heart, pumping it. We have been stabbed in the heart and over time we may heal. But right now we are in the E.R.
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This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”
Thorburn - thans again - yes - we are walking in suck (I don't think that was a typo), because it does - every day. Some days are better than others. M - F is always worse when you are not near them - another crazy part of this mess. He was exposed to his mom/sister right away - his mom was here watching our girls the night I got back from a trip and he told me he wanted a divorce. My parents know because the OW posted it on my dad's Facebook page. Just thinking of that I want to kick her a** now :-) Hope - He has told me that if he were me he would leave, that if anyone ever did what he did to me to our daughters that he would kill them and bury them where no one would find them. He knows how bad he was and how he screwed up and he is paying for it having to live with that and knowing that I am a damn good wife. He asked me for the chance for him to fix us, our marriage and give us a happy life. We started church, he quit drinking and he is more attentive to our girls (has been great with them) but has been had bouts of where he just can't stand himself and says it has nothing to do with how he feels about me or us, but how he feels about himself. So I guess he is not trying to convince me, but is asking me. I am making the choice because I do love/hate him, I love our family, and I love our girls and they love their father. This is my last hurrah - it works or it does not. I want it to, and I will not be so kind if it does not. I just know that it will not be because of me - so I guess that is why I am back on here. How I handled it - I feel I saved us enough to get us this far and give us a fighting chance, but now I feel like fighting to kick som a**. I am angry about the whole thing again. I am not naive, and I hate how betrayal has changed me to some extent, but I somehow can still hold on to hope and faith. I love him, but I am angry - maybe at her, maybe him, but I just want it to go away.
Matt - so true! I know he is feeling it, but right now I am back feeling like I am the only one who has payed for his mistakes. I just read the thread about karma - I half feel like a bad person for wanting something bad to happen to her - just for her to lose her comfortable life that she went straight back to because she was not exposed. As for him, I would feel like crap too if I did to him what he did to me. Makes you wonder, but somehow I do still love him and pray that we can get through this without too many more bad days for either of us. I think if he could just feel like i have felt for a day, I would never have a doubt that he would ever cheat again.
Just read what I wrote - do I think he will cheat again - no, but that is my heart. My head tells me and past experience tells me anything is possible...I hate that feeling....betrayal makes you feel things you don't want to. My heart and my mind fight sometimes - that is the suck that we deal with. But, if I don't go with my heart, what chance do I have?
Matt - so true! I know he is feeling it, but right now I am back feeling like I am the only one who has payed for his mistakes. I just read the thread about karma - I half feel like a bad person for wanting something bad to happen to her - just for her to lose her comfortable life that she went straight back to because she was not exposed. As for him, I would feel like crap too if I did to him what he did to me. Makes you wonder, but somehow I do still love him and pray that we can get through this without too many more bad days for either of us. I think if he could just feel like i have felt for a day, I would never have a doubt that he would ever cheat again.
So I want to continue recovery, but I feel like I have just been slapped upside the head wondering what just happened over the last 6 months. Is this normal? I am a bit angry again and wanting to expose, but what good would it do, and maybe too much time has passed for it to even matter...and that would mean that I have not moved past it. I just feel like Jim Carrey in the Truman Show - like everything I thought was real wasn't, and now I have to figure out a way to resume a life that is very much real but that shouldn't be - does that make sense? Is this normal? Does it mean anything? Is it just a part of recovery? ... I am having a WTF moment and can't shake it. Again, yes, we have been doing pretty good considering only 3 months since last contact....but now this. How do I shake it off?
It's normal to be uncertain about things. It probably means you haven't addressed the problems at the heart of this marriage breakdown.
He chose to cheat, lie, and manipulate you and that's on him. Those are all things you're both going to have to deal with. You need transparency, honesty, the feeling that you're starting over with unsullied materials. If you haven't exposed and you know he's gone underground before, then how can you be sure you've killed the affair? It is normal to want to expose, like opening all the doors and windows and letting air and sunlight in to dispel the shadows and the bacteria and whatever else has been festering in that foggy space. I would encourage you to expose. You'll feel better. You'll see your h's true colors and determine whether or not he is actually remorseful or committed, too. You have not opened it all up yet.
However, there had to be some problems in the marriage to contribute to your problems together. Blame is pointless. There are two people in a marriage and they function as partners on a particular project. Think about how you can strengthen that partnership. What are your needs? What are his? Are you both fully present and committed? Are you both being honest and transparent? Are you hiding resentments or secret alliances with others? All of those things need to be dealt with, too. You've gotta figure out what is in the room that is allowing the bacteria and shadow to grow. You have not scrutinized the whole of what is there, yet.
So, kill the affair. Expose. Think of it as fumigation and airing out all the funk. And then, take stock of what's in that room, what needs to be in that room for you and your husband to be able to meet your needs; what kind of partnership is it and what needs to be in that room to help you both achieve whatever it is you're partnered toward. Rebuild entirely with all that stuff in mind.
Remember that if you're not both fully committed to the partnership it won't be strong. So, as you're taking stock of what's in there, one of the things you need to ask yourself is whether or not you really think the marriage can be saved. If you think he's messed up too much and you want to be done with him, then be done with him. If you think he isn't doing enough to demonstrate that he wants to be there, then send him away.
It takes a long time for the hurt and betrayal to uncloud your own judgement and it will be a while before you're sure of what you want. So, hang in there and don't beat yourself up over your uncertainty because it's a signal telling you that something isn't right -- just figure out what your gut is telling you isn't right, what your intuition is provoking to make you feel so uncertain. Is this man actually trustworthy? Do you believe it or do you just want to believe it? Are you sure you want to be in this or do you just think it's the right thing to do?
I don't know if anything I've said helps, but I hope I've offered you something that feels supportive.
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Betrayed Spouse - Am I Coming Out of the Fog? 
