I found out about husband's affair nearly one year ago. For the past year he has been vacillating between me and the OW. I would kick him out and he comes back in a couple of weeks wanting to work on the marriage. He works on it for a couple of months and then I discover he is seeing the other woman again. The cycle has continued nearly 4-5 times throughout the year. Each and everytime I am ready to move on but he is so convincing that he will do anything to get the marriage to work and I try again.
This last time it lasted a bit longer before he contacted OW nearly 4 months. I discovered his contact and immediately told him I was done. I filed divorce papers and he was served last Thursday. He states he is addicted to her and admits he has a problem. He is seeing a therapists he says. He says that he has done so much damage that the only way to fix it is to leave and work on becoming the man he was. I know he is seeing the other woman. I feel that he is trapped after having the affair and he doesn't know what to do.
I love him and did not want him to leave but everything else is not working. I know this is the best for my whole family. This is so hard. I just keep obsessing about them living a happy life. I guess I feel rejected and still can accept the fact he left. Deep down I hope after the divorce he does some drastic changes and he fall back in love with me.
Go totally dark on him. detach, for your own sake.
Don't give him any kind of emotional feedback.
Childs, finances, in the most unemotional tone you can gather.
Deep down I hope after the divorce he does some drastic changes and he fall back in love with me.
And he probably will, but you have a great deal of control over breaking his pattern. Divorce is one thing, but, as someone already pointed out, you will likely get the best results if you become emotionally unavailable to him for as long as it takes for him to get control of himself.
After the 2nd time I would be done. I get the convincing part but I dont get the multiple repeats and the long time of cheating. How can you get through the day knowing your REWARD for the day is seeing his cheating face. Sharing the home you worked so hard for with someone who treats you like dirt? By the way, if he cheated on you he will cheat on her.
Definitely going to take your advice in going dark. So far so good. I have already figured out what triggers my bad days. It is getting text messages from him telling me he is sorry and to take care.
I am trying to build my confidence cuz all I do is try to compare myself to her. I know there is no comparison since he definitely Affaired down( 10 years older, filed bankruptcy, $9.00hr/job, nothing to her name, overweight). I just need to stop and let the whole affair play out. I know they will not work out but what if they do.
Definitely going to take your advice in going dark. So far so good. I have already figured out what triggers my bad days. It is getting text messages from him telling me he is sorry and to take care.
I am trying to build my confidence cuz all I do is try to compare myself to her. I know there is no comparison since he definitely Affaired down( 10 years older, filed bankruptcy, $9.00hr/job, nothing to her name, overweight). I just need to stop and let the whole affair play out. I know they will not work out but what if they do.
I am so sorry you are here. This is a terrible situation and one that is entirely out of your control. But, I want you to examine the quote from your last post above. You need to do the 180... No... your need to BE the 180. You are worried they will work out. You need to get to a point where you are ok with that. Where you are ok with your self and with whatever life has in store for you in the future. You are a worthy individual. You are entitled to respect and you deserve love. This man has disrespected you to the highest possible degree. Why you would want him is beyond my understanding. (and I would advise you to never take him back). But, that will be your choice should he ever grow up.
Take time to work on yourself. Exercise, take up a new hobby. practice some meditation. Engage friends and family and move on. As hard as it seems today, you will reap the reward just down the road.
Tiptoe, I kind of understand where you are at. You love him. You can't see life without him. I wish I could have gotten to a point of leaving my wife. I can't. My wife is making attempts in R. My counselor told me that I have not reached a point of no return or a breaking point yet and that is why I am trying to work it out.. My counselor told me that since I live apart from my wife during the week I also know what living alone is like and it sucks.
My wife is trying (I think) your husband is using you big time and he is not trying to work on anything and is getting away with it.
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This kind of cosmic dumbassery occupies a temporal plane of ineptitude and lack of reason so profound a Zen master could spend a lifetime meditating upon its philosophical consequences.”
Oh My Gosh I am sorry your H is putting you through this. You are obsessing over what is going on with him and her, it will drive you nuts. Comparing yourself to her (favorably or unfavorably) is also no good. Just a bad way to think in general because it creates a false set of ideas in the mind.
If you compare yourself to the AP and you win = "something must be wrong with him to pick that loser!" or you lose = "something must be wrong with me!" Its all trying to pass big sweeping judgements on yourself or your spouse in an effort to make sense of the betrayal....meanwhile, he gets away with the murder of your marital vows. You are focusing on him and her when you should be focused on yourself. FORGET ABOUT IF THEY WORK OUT. If they do, then SHE can deal with his lies because he will no doubt be right back on your doorstep, behind HER back.
He is a cake-eater. He still sees you as an option he can take or leave as he pleases. Maybe he really misses you when you two are apart. Then he can't stand it and has to come back to work on the marriage. Because he has little or no impulse control, which is why he can't quit seeing the OW.
The answer is the easiest and the hardest thing to do...Stop being an option for him. He knows he can sweet talk his way back into the henhouse. Don't fall for the wolf-in-sheeps-clothing until you see real, consistent change.
LoveWife- you hit it right on. When he is with her, he misses me. When he is with me he misses her. No impulse control!!! That is why I need to shut that door and lock it. He think he is doing this for us (our family). Just another justification for the affair and another selfish act.
I get it but to emotionally detach is just so difficult. Thinking about see dr. to get on some meds to help me on my bad days.
I think there is only one way to deal with a cake eater or a fence sitter and that's the tough love approach. Knock them off that fence by going completely dark and stop letting them eat cake.
Although, at this point with all the back and forth, as hard as it is, it might be time to let him go for good. How will you ever trust him again? Will he run back to OW every time you have a fight or go through a difficult period in your M? After all, no R is all sunshine and roses all the time. Let OW have him. Let her deal with the jealousy because once he's with her because you know Mr. Cake Eater going to be thinking of you when he doesn't have you waiting in the wings. If OW was so foolish as to get herself involved with a MM knowing full well the damage it would cause, then let her go through the stress of wondering if he really loves her and if he's going to cheat on her someday.
LoveWife- you hit it right on. When he is with her, he misses me. When he is with me he misses her. No impulse control!!! That is why I need to shut that door and lock it. He think he is doing this for us (our family). Just another justification for the affair and another selfish act.
I get it but to emotionally detach is just so difficult. Thinking about see dr. to get on some meds to help me on my bad days.
Just be careful about that. I did that in the beginning and got anti-anxiety meds. Wasn't the right choice for me. I went off them slowly and felt weird the whole time. Now, I ended up with a sleeping pill because I was so depleted and stressed. It helped the most to just get some rest and get my head on straight.
You need some time to think, IMHO. Without him making all the decisions for both of you. You need to do what is right for you. And that is not making long-term decisions based on his latest wave of "feelings". That has proved to be an inconstant barometer for you.
Emotional independence is a goal you need to achieve. It will come and go but you have to try for it. When you feel it for the first time its exhilarating. When you stop needing the person who is disrespecting you, your world comes back, ten times as strong.
When you get there? Then, that is the time to make decisions.
8Likes 
Acceptance 
