One of the problems with an affair is that the BS is completely cut out of that experience. One of the reasons that BSs ask so many questions is that they want to become part of the experience. Believe it or not, but knowing as much as possible can actually bring you closer.. it's like taking him to see a movie with you that you saw before without him. Now you both have lived through the movie together.
If there is a chance to save your marriage, it will be by you answering his questions. Yes it will hurt him. But eventually the truth will stop his imagination from running wild.
Yes sometimes he will be hurt and even angry by what you tell him. But you need put it all out there and let the chips fall where they may. Anything less is continued lying.
You really should not look at your AP as a fall back situation. Less than 3% of affairs survive very long. Your affair requires the dynamics of your failing marriage to survive.
I think that the two of you would benefit greatly from reading, discussing and working through a very good series of books. The first is "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harely. The others are linked to in my signature block below for building a passionate marriage.
Has your husband been able to shed any light on why he was so cold to you for so long in the past? This is very important.
This post is totally spot on in every way, and the analogy of not seeing the movie is correct as thats how I feel.
EleGirl, thank you for your thoughtful and kind responses. Thank all of you. If I couldn't handle the, sometimes, harsh words, I wouldn't be here. I'm really trying to do the right thing under the circumstances. At this point, I'm not sure what the right thing is. I need some insight and I think that this board is very helpful. Humans make mistakes... all of us. I can't speak for all cheating spouses, but I do know that we hurt, too. People have affairs for many reasons, but mostly, I assume, it is simply to feel something. For so long, I have been "Empty Inside."
I say share the truth. It is another way to reestablish intimacy with your husband. If you share it all and still don't feel attracted to H then your marriage may be dead. In which case perhaps you divorce & start a new life. Forget the OM. He won't want you either. Posted via Mobile Device
Yes, satisfy his questions. Even schedule time to do it if he wants so you can avoid any meltdowns at inconvenient times.
There are a lot of things that the BS /BP is looking for. Is there something that they could have done differently to have avoided the need for their partner to have an affair? What was the WP getting from the AP.......that the BP might be able to duplicate and so on.
Yes, I do wonder about the EA that my bf had. I know from looking at the texts that he shared things with her about our sex life. And lack thereof, since he withheld it from me while he was seeing her......and then she had the nerve to use that as a reason for him to dump me and date her.......round and round it goes.
My bf was trying to frame her as "Just a friend" which could have meant that I would be expected to play host and entertain her. Now who the **** wants to do that?
I also think that when the WP answers these questions, they are also forcing themselves to rethink their choices and have an opportunity to understand why they chose to do that.
since my bf and I are on the verge of getting married, I don't want ex gf's and other female friends appearing, creating situations in which he feels he must be their knight in shining armour or some such. I am glad to have gotten this situation settled before marriage.
I would agree that answering his questions in a factually and emotionally truthful way will help you both whether you both decide to stay together or not.
1. Do not think you are protecting your husband. This is a joke. You are only protecting yourself and the embarrassment this causes you. Answer ALL OF HIS QUESTIONS! ALL OF THEM. This will help him heal!
2. YOU left the marriage. It sounds like you are codependent, and that you were expecting him to make you happy when the only person you can control is yourself.
3. Find a different therapist. Find one for BOTH OF YOU to go to. I highly suggest a sex therapist as they will be ready help with a fountain of knowledge regarding how to disclose information. Trickle truths are so painful and sickening, it will literally cause your husband to die inside.
4. If you really think the grass is greener on the other side, you should have tried watering your own lawn.
You are in the 'Fog' and need to get out. You need to, whether you 'love' your husband or not, get to a sex therapist and work through the underlying issues. To me, and some others, you've made yourself out to be the victim.. That it was tough to be a stay at home mom, that you needed something extra your husband wasn't providing.. It's sad that you couldn't taken up a hobby, a part time job, a something. You chose an affair. Affairs take a lot of energy, time, emotion, support and nuturing. Imagine if you had spent that time and effort on your marriage! Getting the right help.
I feel for your husband, and I know that you are in a confusing place.. But you will need to answer ALL of his questions, no matter how many times he asks them. You need to both go to counseling, and you need to have NO CONTACT with the other man.
The victim doesn't put the effort into deceiving her family for 16 mos.. The victim doesn't nuture a relationship with her AP while lying to her family.. Cowgirl up, but on the big girl panties, and do the right thing. Your husband loves you, work on it, and you'll be surprised where you end up.. As for you AP, he's stringing you along, telling you the right words. He's using those phrases to keep you married as that is part of his fantasy. How do you know he is going to be around if you leave for good.. He wanted a married woman, now, not so much because the possibility of you being single is real. There won't be as much excitement for him either knowing that you are doing this with him without the added element of danger and taboo. He played you like a fiddle. You were feeling lonely, lost, victimized.. You're codependent, and he knew exactly what to say to get you in to a relationship. What's the rate of success for relationships started during an affair that continue on through divorce??
My wife had an affair for 9 months, this is 14 months ago now. We are still struggling with the aftermath of the infidelity.
I can tell you, that the absolut worst things are:
1. The trickle truth where you have to drag everything out of her. She would only reveal what she sensed that I had physical proof of. This is so frustrating. Tell him every f****** detail as much or less graphic that he wants it to be. His imagination will kill probably him otherwise.
2. Not knowing for a fact, that she still loves me. If you don't love him anymore, get the h*** out of there. Show him that much respect. Don't waste his precious time and let him find a new partner that will have him, love him and respect him.
And no, I don't care about financials, kids etc. etc.
You say that you don't know if you will let OM go or not, you better find out, because you won't be able to reconnect with your husbond untill you are free of other relationships...
Don't say that you will stay for your husbonds sake, that will not be in his best interest if you are not there emotionally.
First of all I will answer the question of how many details to share: All of them. He is the one betrayed and is asking for answers, give him the respect of answering all of his questions and not holding back information.
This includes your comments about not loving him in the right way anymore. He needs to know all the facts so he can make an informed decision about what he does with his life. If he thinks you are with him in R and you are just stringing him along, you are screwing up his life more than you already have.
Secondly, I just want to say this. Take repsonsibility for your own actions. I do not see in any of your posts where you actually take blame for the A. You and shifting blame to your husband. If things were so bad and he did not want to work on them, you should have looked into divorce or more aggressive therapy...something. Having an A is never the answer. Somehow I do not believe you really see the problem in this. You can not see that YOU made a choice. It no longer counts that you are embarrassed about your choice and the details of what transpired. Be open and honest; and seriously take a step back and look at how you are 100% to blame for the affair. The problems in the marriage can be split, but the A is all on you.
I know I am jumping in late but to hell with your pain. Your choices caused that pain. The pain he is suffering was not his choice but yours.
You should be a 100% focused on helping him through this. Call a MC and get you both in as soon as possible.
The other comment that turns my stomach is he is becoming the husband I always wanted him to be. What about the wife he wanted, one that did not drop her clothes an spread her legs for another man.
Your post is a lot of BS, Grow up and put on the big girl pants. You caused all of this. He did not force you to screw another man.
Now focus on what he needs! Get yourself into IC right away as well because you cheated for almot a 1 1/2 you will call that POS if you do not get yourself out of this fog.
28 years down the tubes because of your selfish act.
What your husband has to decide is what to do about it. It'll most likely take him quite a while to process the adultery, given what you had written about his reactions to the discovery.
You mentioned almost 30 years of marriage -- that makes you in the 50's? Your age, your family financial position, your special needs son, etc, do not really matter if he cant accept the adultery, I would assume.
I think he has a hard decision to make about how he's going to spend the rest of his life.
I appreciate your candidness but I truly do not think you are being honest with yourself.
You need to face the facts.
You say you do not want to hurt your husband with the facts and details of the A.
Too late. You already blew up your husbands world, your marriage and your family. You really need to come clean with all of his questions. he needs to hear the blunt truth about your feelings of love for the OM and the details of the sex right down to how many orgasms you had. He deserves the truth! Not what you deem is hurtful. Everything you tell him will hurt.
You said you first improved yourself.
Wow. Getting yourself in shape physically and spiritually and then having an Affair is great self improvement. You see the word "self". It is short for selfish.
So you cheated and then you got caught. You have now lost all rights in your marriage.
Your husband deserves only two things from you. The truth and closure. You do not decide what version of the truth. You need to be honest with all the answers to his questions. It is up to him to see if he still loves you after all the details.
You had the choice to do the right thing and Divorce him. Instead you got selfish. You decided to lie and cheat on your marriage. You broke your vows.
So if you still love your husband "familial" my ass you owe it to him to give him the answers. He needs to know who the new and self improved woman is that he is still married to.
And in the end if you are so in love after only "16" thats right 16 months versus 28 years then move out on your own and Divorce.
The hurt has already happened. You have been lying to him for a year and a half. As neglectful as he has been in the marriag you took that neglect to an all time high.
There is no justification that you can say here that denies you from telling him all the truth.
I am glad that you came here. That was a good first step. Now take a few more and come clean. He deserves to hear it from your mouth.
Good Luck and I hope this gives you the courage to do the right thing at this time in your life.
HM64
PS
If your OM was so damn great he would still be married and not being the OM and breaking up your marriage. You two probably deserve each other.
One of the problems with an affair is that the BS is completely cut out of that experience. One of the reasons that BSs ask so many questions is that they want to become part of the experience. Believe it or not, but knowing as much as possible can actually bring you closer.. it's like taking him to see a movie with you that you saw before without him. Now you both have lived through the movie together.
Dang Ele, you make it sound almost voyeuristic. Why not just have a three way.
E.I., sounds like you're basically through with your husband and have been for a long time. Once you hit that low, you're unlikely to ever get the feeling back. You tried to communicate your concerns a long time and he ignored it. At the risk of giving a somewhat cold comparison, a machine needs maintenance. If the operator ignores the maintenance the machine quits working. That's what happened to you. The same thing happened to me with my first wife. I married at 22 and was true blue until I was 36. I went through the same thing you did. One day I gave up and started an affair. In the years that followed, I "slept" with well over 20 women, most were married. When I finally packed up an left, my X wife wanted to reconcile. I had a choice. I could go back to the X knowing she would eventually turn back into a ice burg, or I could find someone who considered me more than just a meal ticket. I chose the latter about 18 years ago. I made the right choice. I think the only reason your old man now has his hat in hand is because he's losing and if you go back, it won't be long before he's up to his old self. Believe me, if its anything like you describe, I understand where you're coming from.
Dang Ele, you make it sound almost voyeuristic. Why not just have a three way.
E.I., sounds like you're basically through with your husband and have been for a long time. Once you hit that low, you're unlikely to ever get the feeling back. You tried to communicate your concerns a long time and he ignored it. At the risk of giving a somewhat cold comparison, a machine needs maintenance. If the operator ignores the maintenance the machine quits working. That's what happened to you. The same thing happened to me with my first wife. I married at 22 and was true blue until I was 36. I went through the same thing you did. One day I gave up and started an affair. In the years that followed, I "slept" with well over 20 women, most were married. When I finally packed up an left, my X wife wanted to reconcile. I had a choice. I could go back to the X knowing she would eventually turn back into a ice burg, or I could find someone who considered me more than just a meal ticket. I chose the latter about 18 years ago. I made the right choice. I think the only reason your old man now has his hat in hand is because he's losing and if you go back, it won't be long before he's up to his old self. Believe me, if its anything like you describe, I understand where you're coming from.
Wow advice from a POS AP that puts all the blame on his wife, Nice
I think the only reason your old man now has his hat in hand is because he's losing and if you go back, it won't be long before he's up to his old self. Believe me, if its anything like you describe, I understand where you're coming from.
Wtf...? If anything like you describe, you talk with your husbond and change together! You don't cheat. If this is not an option, you move on and divorce. Plain and simple.
If it's true that husbond will turn back into his old self, then OP will also turn back into a cheater - once a cheater or...?
Wow advice from a POS AP that puts all the blame on his wife, Nice
Like it or not mahike, if my X wife would have gave it up a little more often, ( the marriage was virtually absence of sex), not constantly bitc*** about not having this and that, treat my family like they were dirt, not refused MC, I may not have taken the low road.
1. Am I a POS, as you put it, for going down that road. Yes I am.
2. Am I like a monkey that don't turn loose of one limb before he has his hands on another. Yes.
3. Am I the kind that's not going to play second fiddle. Yes.
4. Do I believe that a spouse can drive the other to cheat. Well of course.
But I also know it would have been better to just get a divorce and get out. It was a bad choice and a weakness that got the better of me. I have made many bad choices and have many weaknesses. I'm not proud of myself, but you guys always want the details. How well did my limited details make you feel about me?
Just for the record, I now have a wonderful, loving, caring wife that thinks I hung the moon and I've been on the wagon a number of years (and don't intend to fall off.)
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Re: How Much Detail? 
