Beyond what may happen with your marriage at the end you need to commit to end officially the affair for good, for ever, give up the idea of a possible happy ending and totally abandon all this romantizing the uglyness.
Send OM a finnal NC letter, aproved by your husband, there are templates out there. Then relinquish the affair tools and be transparent with the comunication devices and acountable for your whereabouts.
To me the truth is somewhere in the middle. I am a BS so I will never condone your choice but it is clear that you fell into a trap so many others do. You probably didn't want to. But you are here now. You clearly f'ed up- bad. You need to understand that you made a bad choice- there were better options to deal with your situation. You also need to realize that the love you have for your AP is a mirage, a fantasy.
If you love your husband at all you MUST do the following ASAP;
- End all contact with AP
- Send a NC letter
- Agree to and attend MC
- Answer every question
- Come to terms with your choices and take responsibility for all consequences
- Have and show total remorse
- Realize your feelings for AP were a fantasy
If you can't or won't do these then you must pursue D. Posted via Mobile Device
It seems you are trading your loving H (who is clearly not the perfect spouse but who among us is?) of many years with all your shared history and memories for good sex.
As for being in love with your AP, classic fog speak. Since when is love based on dishonesty? And what is so special about an affair born of ugliness and built on a foundation of lies and deceit. Wonderful people don't get involved with married people regardless of the tale of woe you spun for your AP. In the same way, emotionally mature people do not get involved with felons or drug addicts. Your morals should stay consistent regardless of circumstances. Emotionally mature people also know that before you start dating, you seek a divorce. There is no good or rational excuse for stabbing the father of your children in the back.
And cheaters often re-write the history of their marriages to justify the cheating or at the very least they magnify the problems and portray themselves as the victims. You stole your H's choices for 16 months. You let him live a lie. You are not the victim, he is. He is the ONLY victim in this situation. You acted poorly, selfishly and with gross entitlement.
I suggest you start Googling affairs and see what the chances of your so-called relationship with the kind of man that would date a married woman has of becoming a real relationship. What you had with your AP was all sunshine and lollypops and was probably made more exciting by the stench of betrayal and getting away with something naughty.
Be honest with your H. Own your poor choices and remember the chances of you regretting giving up all the good things you share with your husband for those very fleeting "in love" feelings that only last 1-2 years are great.
Love is not a feeling. Many, many people possessing a feeling of love and even acting in response to that feeling act in all manner of unloving and destructive ways. It is not only possible but necessary for a loving person to avoid acting on feelings of love. I may meet a woman who strongly attracts me, whom I feel like loving, but because it would be destructive to my marriage to have an affair, I will say vocally or in the silence of my heart, "I feel like loving you, but I am not going to". My feelings of love may be unbounded, but my capacity to be loving is limited. I therefore must choose the person on whom to focus my capacity to love, toward whom to direct my will to love.
True love is not a feeling by which we are overwhelmed. It is a committed, thoughtful decision. Genuine love implies commitment and the exercise of wisdom. When we are concerned for someone's spiritual growth, we know that a lack of commitment is likely to be harmful and that commitment to that person is probably necessary for us to manifest our concern effectively.
Genuine love is volitional rather than emotional. The person who truly loves does so because of a decision to love. This person has made a commitment to be loving whether or not the loving feeling is present. If it is, so much the better; but if it isn't, the commitment to love, the will to love, still stands and is still exercised.
The common tendency to confuse love with feelings of love allows people all manner of self-deception. It is clear that there may be a self-serving quality in this tendency to confuse love with the feeling of love; it is easy and not at all unpleasant to find evidence of love in one's feelings. It may be difficult and painful to search for evidence of love in one's actions. But because true love is an act of will that often transcends ephemeral feelings of love, it is correct to say, "Love is as love does".
He said, "Why would I want to have sex with you.... look at you, your crying,"
For 27 years you put up with this shabby treatment? As far as I concerned, he got what's coming to him.
That is the most phucked up thing I have read on here!
I don't give a rats azz what he did, he didn't rip her heart out, and chit on it for 16 friggin months.
A ONS I could see, but she cheated for 16 months! Divorce the guy, and let him move on. Holy chit I feel for your husband. Cheating becuase you think your marriage is bad, is the cowards way out! There is NEVER a good time to get divorced, but its ALWAYS the better thing to do!
To answer your OP's question.
I say tell him anything, and everything he asks. No matter what it is. If he asks you to compare **** sizes, get a tape measure out, and get to measuring.
Being cheated on is BY FAR the worst emotional, and physical pain I have ever experienced. What ever you think your husband is going through............MULTIPLY it by 100!
Why don't you explain what you mean? Some of you guys believe one spouse, with impunity, is suppose to be able to treat the other like crap, making them feel inadequate, undesirable, ignored, and taken for granted. Sorry, I don't follow that philosophy. As far as I'm concerned, that's betrayal in and of itself. Is treating your wife like doesn't exist, making her feel unwanted and unloved, year end and year out, really better than her laying down with someone to prove to herself that she's not undesirable? Is that treatment loving and honoring your spouse. If her story is on the up and up, this cat broke his vows to her long before she broke hers to him. I said before, having an affair is not the best way to deal with it. But face it, that's the choice many will make. Like electricity, people normally take the path of least resistance. I'll say it again. A persons who knowingly treats their spouse like crap deserves what they get. Call me a douche, but call me a fair one.
Why don't you explain what you mean? Some of you guys believe one spouse, with impunity, is suppose to be able to treat the other like crap, making them feel inadequate, undesirable, ignored, and taken for granted. Sorry, I don't follow that philosophy. As far as I'm concerned, that's betrayal in and of itself. Is treating your wife like doesn't exist, making her feel unwanted and unloved, year end and year out, really better than her laying down with someone to prove to herself that she's not undesirable? Is that treatment loving and honoring your spouse. If her story is on the up and up, this cat broke his vows to her long before she broke hers to him. I said before, having an affair is not the best way to deal with it. But face it, that's the choice many will make. Like electricity, people normally take the path of least resistance. I'll say it again. A persons who knowingly treats their spouse like crap deserves what they get. Call me a douche, but call me a fair one.
The OP's husband is working on changing himself after he found out his marriage might be toast and imo she could have provoked the same change long ago if she had of forcefully put divorce on the table,but she never did.
The OP's husband is working on changing himself after he found out his marriage might be toast and imo she could have provoked the same change long ago if she had of forcefully put divorce on the table,but she never did.
Unless, of course, it all suited her purpose at that time?
Good provider, kids, including a sick one to look after.
But now? Perhaps hubby was looking sort of redundant? No longer required?
So... why rock the boat? Oh, look! Land! Let's leap out of the boat and make for the shore. Perhaps the shore turned out to be a mirage? So it's back aboard the Good Ship Marriage! Well, leastways until the next landfall...
I hear lots of justifications from the OP, but no remorse. She has even said she leave her husband if Iit didn't cost her too much money, or make her look bad for leaving him financially ruined for the rest of his life. She's even keeping the AP on standby so she can jump ship as soon as she gets happy with the idea. Oh, and then there is the therapist who knew about the cheating and supported it by suggesting the husband knew and approved.
So everyone wins here except the husband who is left alone, financially ruined, and emotionally destroyed. Well maybe if the OP works it right she can convince the children just how awful he is and they'll dump him too.
The OP is so deep in the fog of affair and self justification it's sickening. She doesn't want to go into details because she doesnt want to betray her honorable OM. He must be really honorable to cheat with a married woman, yep, what a great nice guy he must be. A real catch he is.
This is so horrible for the husband.
All this so the OP could get laid. Posted via Mobile Device
So it's back aboard the Good Ship Marriage! Well, leastways until the next landfall...
LOL.No,I think this is more about clearing her conscience as she reflects back on 28 years of marriage.I'm sure she has a moral compass she's trying to reconcile,but that unfortunately is to the continued detriment to her husband.She doesn't love him any more,so quit hurting him with hope.
I hear lots of justifications from the OP, but no remorse. She has even said she leave her husband if Iit didn't cost her too much money, or make her look bad for leaving him financially ruined for the rest of his life. She's even keeping the AP on standby so she can jump ship as soon as she gets happy with the idea. Oh, and then there is the therapist who knew about the cheating and supported it by suggesting the husband knew and approved.
So everyone wins here except the husband who is left alone, financially ruined, and emotionally destroyed. Well maybe if the OP works it right she can convince the children just how awful he is and they'll dump him too.
The OP is so deep in the fog of affair and self justification it's sickening. She doesn't want to go into details because she doesnt want to betray her honorable OM. He must be really honorable to cheat with a married woman, yep, what a great nice guy he must be. A real catch he is.
This is so horrible for the husband.
All this so the OP could get laid. Posted via Mobile Device
The post seemed somewhat passive-aggressive, too. "I cheated. But my husband, HE made me do it!"
And you are right, the lack of remorse was worrying. Also, it's fine for her to use the AP for sex but it is wrong, she implies, for her husband to want to use her for sex.
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Re: How Much Detail? 
