LOL.No,I think this is more about clearing her conscience as she reflects back on 28 years of marriage.I'm sure she has a moral compass she's trying to reconcile,but that unfortunately is to the continued detriment to her husband.She doesn't love him any more,so quit hurting him with hope.
Well, TBT, I thought so, too. But from re-reading what she wrote, I wonder if she is so deep in the fog that she has -unconsciously- re-invented and re-written the history of their marriage, in part or in full?
Other people have had WS who have been in the fog 3 years or even longer.
Remember, the fog makes them feel gooood. So, a week? A month? A year? Longer? If they can get away with it, why not?
Maybe it's just me and the in your face harsh realities I've faced over the course of my life.While I can accept the fog to a degree early in fidelity,imo the longer the affair goes on,the more the fog becomes a catchall that allows the betrayer to minimize their responsibility.I mean even with the greatest love of my life I never walked around in dreamland for 16 months.
She has even said she leave her husband if Iit didn't cost her too much money, or make her look bad for leaving him financially ruined for the rest of his life.
You've got to consider that if she divorced, she'd end up stuck with all the kids while he got by with a few hundred a month in child support. One of my students recently got a divorce. Her old man move across the U.S. and hasnt paid dime one in child support. Like anything else, you have to look out for your own azz. That's what she was doing. She already said he was a cheapskate.
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Originally Posted by MattMatt
Remember, the fog makes them feel gooood. So, a week? A month? A year? Longer? If they can get away with it, why not?
Reckon her old man was in a fog for 27 years when he was thinking, "I'll treat her like crap and keep her near the bottom of the totem pole. She ain't gonna do nothing about it."
There are waywards who fully rewrite and demonize their betrayed ones to justify themselves to a point reality become unrecognizable. I can't see eny betrayed here which doesn't take their story with a grain of salt.
There are also waywards who have endured horrible marriages. It's not that excuse a sh!it, but explains why they doesn't love their BSs or show little to no empathy for them, which is perfectly understandable, let's face it.
Maybe it's just me and the in your face harsh realities I've faced over the course of my life.While I can accept the fog to a degree early in fidelity,imo the longer the affair goes on,the more the fog becomes a catchall that allows the betrayer to minimize their responsibility.I mean even with the greatest love of my life I never walked around in dreamland for 16 months.
Her husband had a hormone problem so he could not have much, if any, sex.
AP and CS were, to use an old English rural expression, "at it like a rat up a pump" so yes, the fog could last that long, or even longer.
Her husband had a hormone problem so he could not have much, if any, sex
She said "So, with no improvement in the state of our marriage, after 28 years, he wants to act like a sex-crazed teenager."
So much for the hormone problem. Also, why do you assume she's in a fog, re-writing history. Just because she had an affair doesn't mean what she is telling us in not the truth.
So because you won't divorce due to $$ & your almost grown kids, you're prepared to continue to stay married to a man who has shown you no love for almost 30 years & whom you profess no love for?
You do not love him, there is no reason to stay married to him except that you know no other way to live.
To me, this is why this sounds 100% like you have a Martyr Complex.
This life you have been leading is the one you feel most comfortable in, no matter how crappy a marriage you've had.
The fear of shedding your role of martyr is what is holding you back from divorcing, not your kids, not your finances.
There are people who have left their marriages with only the clothes on their backs in order to get away, so your excuses for no divorce are just that, excuses.
I am throwing myself out to the wolves with Empty Inside so she does not feel so alone. Her story is almost my story, I feel for her. sh*t happens folks, that’s life whether you want to admit it or not, and I can guarantee a lot more people have been in her shoes but will not admit on here. I was in an affair for almost 2 years with a married man before my husband caught me, we did counseling (individual and as a couple after the fact), we were married for 17 years before I started the affair and put up with rejection for years, I married him because he was a “good guy” - great provider, good husband, and awesome father. But he never met my sexual desires/needs the entire marriage, even the counselor pointed that out, our libidos were off since the beginning, he was LD, I was HD, he is an introvert, I am an extrovert, I enjoy lots of fun play, I even attempted to give him a BJ in the car before going in to have dinner one night at a restaurant since we had a sitter and without kids, but he declined. WTF? Seriously? I tolerated it for years, tried talking about it, etc. He did not like me being an initiator or being aggressive, so I would shower before bed as a “hint”, but lay there after he came to bed(with no shower after working all day) waiting for him to make a move, after 30 minutes of nothing, I would get up and leave the room pissed off. I am a woman and crave an emotional and physical connection, body warmth, passionate sex and to feel/be desired. And, I found it elsewhere and have no regrets. Life is too short for that crap, I felt something I thought I would never get to experience in life, to love someone like I have never loved before. Sure, we had the “fog” for a while but it faded some over the 2 years while still seeing each other, but we were still experiencing the most awesome lovemaking either of us had ever experienced towards the end of our relationship after getting caught. I have not seen my AP in a year and half and my heart still misses him and hurts so bad for him, I think of him every day. I miss him terribly and have cried more than I have ever cried over someone and never thought at the age of 42 that I would go through that type of emotion over someone.
A year and half later, I am still living with my husband in the same house for the kids. We are separated, but living together, sleep in different rooms, but get along as room mates wonderfully. I still cook and we have dinner every night as a family at the kitchen table, I still clean the house and pay the bills and also work 30 hours per week, we never fight, never have, part of lack of communication problem, neither of us likes conflict. No sex with husband for almost 3 years. Pretty sure he does not have anyone else, but wish he would find someone. I have no desire for him after having what I had, even if I can’t have it again with my AP. Husband and I have not talked about our relationship issues in a year and a half, he never asked for details, but expressed he wanted to work it out, that he forgave me, and when he married me it was for life. Well, no sh*t Sherlock, not many of us marry thinking it is going to be temporary, but I can’t go through life with no physical/intimate/emotional connection. Sorry. I will admit that I changed, we grew apart and I need more than what he can give me, and that I am a chicken sh*t for flat out not admitting that to him because I was afraid of hurting his feelings, but instead hurt him in a way I never intended. Yes, I am the selfish evil bi*tch. I think he could live the rest of his life without sex and us living the way we do, which is how it was before my affair, except now I sleep in another room instead of 2 feet from him in the bed resenting him all night. I have no idea what we are going to do at this point. Effed up.
Sorry for the hijack, best of luck to you Empty Inside, I know what you are going through and it sucks.
IIWII, it goes down like you describe a lot. There may be better ways of handling it, but how many always handle things the better way. Sometimes people try to get a little relief from what may be an intolerable situation without grossly altering their lives and the lives of those around them. Its human nature.
I am sad because you took the easy way out by having an affair and other than great sex you ended up with nothing gained in your life.
I am sad that you threw away your marriage and family for nothing.
I am sad that you are stuck in a marriage without love or intimacy.
I am sad that you did not have the courage to Divorce your husband before you had an affair.
I am sad that you still do not have the courage to Divorce your husband.
And lastly, I am sad that you do not see a solution in your future that will bring you personal happiness.
What good is having dinner as a family if you are living in separate rooms. What kind of marriage are you and your husband showing your children.
Again, you are brave posting and throwing yourself out to the wolves. But all of us BS's do seek happiness not just for us but our spouses as well.
It does not sound like your Affair brought you any happiness, maybe physical and emotional pleasure. If it did bring you happiness you would not be separated, living with your husband in limbo.
I think you only need to worry about how much detail to tell him if you are willing to give up your AP and stay married to you H.
The way you are sounding, you are wanting to be with the OM anyway, so why don't you just get divorced and take your chances..... unless now you're worried the OM won't want you either, and you would accept staying unhappily with your H rather than being alone with no one? Sad thinking!!
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Re: How Much Detail? 
