It Is What It is... your husband refused to have sex in a public car park?
NO? Really? Now why on EARTH would someone decline to have sex in a public car park? Where they might be seen by people they know, people they didn't know, restaurant staff, security staff, the police, children?
Nope. You can't think of a reason? Oh. OK. Then I guess everything is your husband's fault, then?
I am throwing myself out to the wolves with Empty Inside so she does not feel so alone. Her story is almost my story, I feel for her. sh*t happens folks, that’s life whether you want to admit it or not, and I can guarantee a lot more people have been in her shoes but will not admit on here. I was in an affair for almost 2 years with a married man before my husband caught me, we did counseling (individual and as a couple after the fact), we were married for 17 years before I started the affair and put up with rejection for years, I married him because he was a “good guy” - great provider, good husband, and awesome father. But he never met my sexual desires/needs the entire marriage, even the counselor pointed that out, our libidos were off since the beginning, he was LD, I was HD, he is an introvert, I am an extrovert, I enjoy lots of fun play, I even attempted to give him a BJ in the car before going in to have dinner one night at a restaurant since we had a sitter and without kids, but he declined. WTF? Seriously? I tolerated it for years, tried talking about it, etc. He did not like me being an initiator or being aggressive, so I would shower before bed as a “hint”, but lay there after he came to bed(with no shower after working all day) waiting for him to make a move, after 30 minutes of nothing, I would get up and leave the room pissed off. I am a woman and crave an emotional and physical connection, body warmth, passionate sex and to feel/be desired. And, I found it elsewhere and have no regrets. Life is too short for that crap, I felt something I thought I would never get to experience in life, to love someone like I have never loved before. Sure, we had the “fog” for a while but it faded some over the 2 years while still seeing each other, but we were still experiencing the most awesome lovemaking either of us had ever experienced towards the end of our relationship after getting caught. I have not seen my AP in a year and half and my heart still misses him and hurts so bad for him, I think of him every day. I miss him terribly and have cried more than I have ever cried over someone and never thought at the age of 42 that I would go through that type of emotion over someone.
A year and half later, I am still living with my husband in the same house for the kids. We are separated, but living together, sleep in different rooms, but get along as room mates wonderfully. I still cook and we have dinner every night as a family at the kitchen table, I still clean the house and pay the bills and also work 30 hours per week, we never fight, never have, part of lack of communication problem, neither of us likes conflict. No sex with husband for almost 3 years. Pretty sure he does not have anyone else, but wish he would find someone. I have no desire for him after having what I had, even if I can’t have it again with my AP. Husband and I have not talked about our relationship issues in a year and a half, he never asked for details, but expressed he wanted to work it out, that he forgave me, and when he married me it was for life. Well, no sh*t Sherlock, not many of us marry thinking it is going to be temporary, but I can’t go through life with no physical/intimate/emotional connection. Sorry. I will admit that I changed, we grew apart and I need more than what he can give me, and that I am a chicken sh*t for flat out not admitting that to him because I was afraid of hurting his feelings, but instead hurt him in a way I never intended. Yes, I am the selfish evil bi*tch. I think he could live the rest of his life without sex and us living the way we do, which is how it was before my affair, except now I sleep in another room instead of 2 feet from him in the bed resenting him all night. I have no idea what we are going to do at this point. Effed up.
Sorry for the hijack, best of luck to you Empty Inside, I know what you are going through and it sucks.
Are you serious?
I was in an unhappy marriage too. My H did not respect me or my opinions. He decided it was the 50's and he should make all the financial decisions because he had the MBA. He was rude and disrespectful. Angry all the time and drank too much.
Despite being in my late 30's, I still got hit on by men in their 20's who told me I was sexy. I recall once I even had a very attractive, very toned 29 year old man tell me that he loved older women and that I could call him anytime. For any reason.
I guess since I was so unhappy, I should have taken these men up on their offers.
But I didn't because even though I didn't care much for my H at the time, he is still the father of my children. And I actually pictured my children's faces and what it would mean to lose their respect if I was ever to get caught. Also, because no matter what he did, I have to have a relationship with the father of my children for the rest of their lives and that was not worth damaging over a sleazy affair.
Well, my H had an affair, instead of dealing with my unhappiness or listening to me when I tried to tell him I was unhappy.
Does that mean I should have a revenge affair now? Because clearly I was so very wronged so I must be justified in chucking my morals and my integrity because I'm so UNHAPPY and angry.
Why didn't these two HD wives, EI and IIWII, have the courage to ask their husbands to allow them to have a lover on the side before they chose to cheat on them? Only the most dense of husbands would not see such a request as an extremely serious marital issue needing to be addressed promptly.
Yes, yes, YES...! Thank you Mori, for repeating this and pointing out the difference in the abuse from both sides.
The claimed "emotional abuse" from the husbonds was out in the open do be dealt with, and the WS had their choice to do something about it. While the WS kept their abuse as a secret to their spouses, so that they didn't get to choose whether they wished to live like this or not. BIG difference.
So OP and It... deal with your situations, you didn't care enough to give your husbonds this option. Get out and get a life for your selves and your families.
Oh, and to elaborate on the opening post again; tell your husbond every detail unless he explicitly refuses to hear about it. Again, don't deny him his right to make an informed decission.
Even my H doesn't use the fact that I rejected him sexually for years, to excuse his affair. Oh sure, he did at first but he started to realize what a horrible mistake he had made and how he UNFAIRLY blamed me for all the problems in the M, instead of looking at how he contributed to his own rejection by the way he treated me.
I like how a friend of a friend that's a divorce lawyer used to put it -- Cinderella rarely marries the Big Bad Wolf. And Prince Charming rarely marries the Wicked Witch of the West.
Meaning both YOU and your husband contributed to the marriage problems pre-A, despite your victim mentality, and even if you were Cinderella married to the Big Bad Wolf, was anyone forcing you to stay married to him? Um....no.
It appears that these two women have chosen to complicate their lives and are unwilling to do the needed sacrifices to lead successful, separate lives as divorced women. They have grown too comfortable with their lifestyles, financed in large part by their husbands, and they don't want to find themselves working their tails off just like their husbands have been doing all these years.*
Both EI and IIWII have stressed that they don't want to divorce because of the financially devastating impact it would have on their families but what would happen if their husbands died? What then?
*Pew Research Center, entitled "The Rise of Wives," found that men are still the primary breadwinner in 78% of the couples.
Why don't you explain what you mean? Some of you guys believe one spouse, with impunity, is suppose to be able to treat the other like crap, making them feel inadequate, undesirable, ignored, and taken for granted. Sorry, I don't follow that philosophy. As far as I'm concerned, that's betrayal in and of itself. Is treating your wife like doesn't exist, making her feel unwanted and unloved, year end and year out, really better than her laying down with someone to prove to herself that she's not undesirable? Is that treatment loving and honoring your spouse. If her story is on the up and up, this cat broke his vows to her long before she broke hers to him. I said before, having an affair is not the best way to deal with it. But face it, that's the choice many will make. Like electricity, people normally take the path of least resistance. I'll say it again. A persons who knowingly treats their spouse like crap deserves what they get. Call me a douche, but call me a fair one.
At least, if she had told her husband upfront that she was going to have sex with another man and spend valuable time with him....away from the family, the husband could have made an informed decision whether to stay or go.
Having an affair takes away the ability to make important decisions under full knowledge.
Since I'm playing the devils advocate, a quick question for ya'll.
Suppose Empty and IIAII, instead of resorting to an affair to alleviate their problem , would have divorced their husbands, busted up the family, left most of the responsibility for kids, dumped the mortgage and all other expenses in their now ex husbands lap (to the point of his financial ruin ) while they paid minimal child support, moved into a swank apartment, and started dating. Would that be a better solution and a lesser transgression?
those two women must have assumed that that likelihood was very low......or else they would have gotten the divorce.
IIWII, it goes down like you describe a lot. There may be better ways of handling it, but how many always handle things the better way. Sometimes people try to get a little relief from what may be an intolerable situation without grossly altering their lives and the lives of those around them. Its human nature.
I have a better theory. Some people are weak pieces of sh*t, and some others aren't.
These two women put so much emphasis on the allegedly bad behavior of their husbands but at the very least it can be said that their husbands did not hide their allegedly appalling behavior towards them like they did when they chose to take on an OM and have a long term affair. They were presented with two honorable options, stay or leave but instead they chose a third and cowardly action, infidelity. Not only that, they still want to enjoy the best of both worlds at their husband's and families expense.
Tens of thousands of men and women per day divorce their spouses for reasons that have nothing to do with infidelity. For the vast majority it is not an easy decision and they face hard financial hardships in the beginning of their new lives as divorced people. Yet unlike these two women, they realize that staying in a bad marriage is much worse no matter how financially comfortable it would be for them and their children.
Divorce is not the first solution...but it is a solution to actually having an A. If you can not create some communication and stand up about what you think is wrong in the marriage how is an affair supposed to help that?
Being a selfish inconsiderate jerk who tears apart a family because they want to get their rocks off is not a viable solution. It is a pathetic excuse. If you 'have to have' the attention from someone else to amke yourself feel better there are more issues within yourself that need to be addressed than just marital problems. Those should be handeled and brought to light before you choose to have an A. If you can not get to that point, then yes divorce is a MUCH better option than cheating.
Having an affair is like pissing into other person's coffee. Whatever issues you have, it doesn't solve them.
Affair is not an alternative to divorce or anything else, because it does not address the actual problem. It's the king of passive aggressive behaviors encountered in families.
At least, if she had told her husband upfront that she was going to have sex with another man and spend valuable time with him....away from the family, the husband could have made an informed decision whether to stay or go.
Having an affair takes away the ability to make important decisions under full knowledge.
Yes. Exactly.
Both of these woman chose deceit. The husband didn't have the option of rejecting them for being cheaters. They deliberately betrayed the marriage vows and they defrauded the husband by letting him think the marriage was still valid when it was not.
when they cheated - they ended the marriage, but they remained taking the resources provided by the husband and marriage while returning nothing to the agreement.
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Re: How Much Detail? 
